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The Circuit


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#1 NerdWitch

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Posted 24 November 2016 - 01:51 PM

This probably has lots of issues so any help would be appreciated. 

 

At seventeen-years-old, LAURA BISHOP witnessed her first Screening. The Government Sanctioned process where people confess to committed crimes, under the influence of the truth drug Vocacium. Her father confesses to a murder of a young girl nearly some years previous but Laura is certain her father is innocent, she just can't prove it. When it's her turned to be Screened, it doesn't work on her. She is immune and gets taken away by the government officials never to see her family again.

 A few years later, after escaping the claustrophobic walls of the research lab, Laura finds her a criminal on the run and working for the secret rebel organisation the Circuit who have vowed to bring down the corporation responsible for the truth drug and the screening (LifeSource Industries).

Things quickly get complicated when Laura is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the unexpected cost of two innocent lives. When the infamous London crime lord, VANCE SINCLAIR promises her safety in exchange for a one small favour: stealing an encrypted flash drive, it seems too simple for her to turn it down.

 

Assisted by her friends, ACE the hacker and KNOX; Laura begins to uncover a deep web tying the murder her father was accused and Vocacium to an underground cybernetics company called SCORPION. Scorpion has been funding the production of Vocacium to support their own experiments; human cybernetics.

The information on the flash drive contains valuable information about Vocacium that could help her expose the true nature of LifeSource Industries but there is a catch. The CEO of LifeSource Industries is Laura’s own brother MARIUS who will stop at nothing to capture his sister, even if it ends her life.

Unfortunately, Laura’s problems don't stop there. Scotland Yard Detective JONAH NOLAN is hot on her trails, hoping that the capture of such a dangerous criminal will boost his career and finally land him the rank of Chief Inspector. However, when he realises that the contents of the flash drive contain the key to an unsolved murder he pursued many years ago; Jonah has to choose between acting on the orders of his superior or do the right thing.

Jonah and Laura are able to track down a scientist who worked on the original experiments of Vocacium and revealed the horrible side effects that the test-subjects suffered. He tells them that these side effects lie dormant for a while but that they will eventually surface and have devastating results on the population. He tells them that the reason to why Immunes like Laura are viewed as dangerous is because if the production of Vocacium stops, Scorpion won’t have any more access to that money.
Meanwhile, Ace and Knox have trouble in the CITADEL (the underground city inhabited by members of the Circuit), when they discover an ally has turned against them and is working for the CEO of LifeSource Industries and the Citadel is burnt to the ground, risking the lives of everyone there.

Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse when Ace can’t get hold of Knox after he has gone in pursuit of the arsonist.

As a final resource, Laura and Jonah give the flash drive to an anti-Vocacium reporter who agrees to broadcast the contents of the flash drive and even gives them a lead on Scorpion.

With the CITADEL burnt to the ground and Knox mysteriously missing, Laura and Jonah decide to work together to find Knox and hunt down Scorpion once and for all.


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#2 asmcdermott

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Posted 05 December 2016 - 11:05 PM

This probably has lots of issues so any help would be appreciated. 

 

At seventeen-years-old (I don't believe you hyphenate this. If it was seventeen-year-old Laura Bishop, you would), LAURA BISHOP witnessed her first Screening. The Government Sanctioned process where people confess to committed crimes (can you confess to a crime that hasn't been committed?), under the influence of the truth drug Vocacium. Her father confesses to a murder of a young girl nearly some years previous (nearly doesn't fit with some years previous) with but Laura is certain her father is innocent, she just can't prove it. When it's her turned to be Screened, it doesn't work on her. She is immune and gets taken away by the government officials never to see her family again.

 A few years later, after escaping the claustrophobic walls of the research lab, Laura finds herself a criminal on the run and working for the secret rebel organisation the Circuit who have vowed to bring down the corporation responsible for the truth drug and the screening (LifeSource Industries). (this sentence is a little long, and I'd avoid putting the name of the screening company in parentheses)

Things quickly get complicated when Laura is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the unexpected cost of two innocent lives (need to be more specific here. what was the crime and why did two people die?). When the infamous London crime lord, VANCE SINCLAIR promises her safety in exchange for a one small favour: stealing an encrypted flash drive, it seems too simple for her to turn it down.

 

Assisted by her friends, ACE the hacker and KNOX; Laura begins to uncover a deep web tying the murder her father was accused of and Vocacium to an underground cybernetics company called SCORPION. Scorpion has been funding the production of Vocacium to support their own experiments; human cybernetics. (this seems a little overly-complicated. you might want to combine Scorpion and LifeSource into one company, unless there is a good plot reason for them to be separate)

The information on the flash drive contains valuable information about Vocacium that could help her expose the true nature of LifeSource Industries but there is a catch. The CEO of LifeSource Industries is Laura’s own brother MARIUS who will stop at nothing to capture his sister, even if it ends her life. (I think the fact that her brother runs the evil corporation needs to be established earlier, unless it's supposed to be a surprise to the characters)

Unfortunately, Laura’s problems don't stop there. Scotland Yard Detective JONAH NOLAN is hot on her trails, hoping that the capture of such a dangerous criminal will boost his career and finally land him the rank of Chief Inspector. However, when he realises that the contents of the flash drive contain the key to an unsolved murder he pursued many years ago; Jonah has to choose between acting on the orders of his superior or doing the right thing.

Jonah and Laura are able to track down a scientist who worked on the original experiments of Vocacium. and He revealedreveals the horrible side effects that the test-subjects suffered. He tells them that these side effects lie dormant for a while but that they will eventually surface and have devastating results on the population. He tells (I wouldn't use he tells them in back to back sentences) them that the reason to why Immunes like Laura are viewed as dangerous is because if the production of Vocacium stops, Scorpion won’t have any more access to that money.
Meanwhile, Ace and Knox have trouble in the CITADEL (the underground city inhabited by members of the Circuit),
(I'd establish this location earlier) when they discover an ally has turned against them and is working for the CEO of LifeSource Industries (I'd start a new sentence here) and the Citadel is burnt to the ground, risking the lives of everyone there.

Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse (worse than the Citadel burning to the ground?) when Ace can’t get hold of Knox after he has gone in pursuit of the arsonist.

As a final resource, Laura and Jonah give the flash drive to an anti-Vocacium reporter who agrees to broadcast the contents of the flash drive and even gives them a lead on Scorpion.

With the CITADEL burnt to the ground (again?) and Knox mysteriously missing, Laura and Jonah decide to work together to find Knox and hunt down Scorpion once and for all. (Is this the ending? it seems like nothing is really resolved)

You definitely have the seeds of an interesting idea here. I would just consider simplifying it. You have a lot of characters and mysterious organizations and it could be hard for a reader to keep track of who's who. It seems like some of these characters are extraneous, so I would just focus on Laura's journey and what's important to her character. Good luck with this!



#3 9emilylime9

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Posted 16 December 2016 - 07:17 PM

This probably has lots of issues so any help would be appreciated. 

 

At seventeen-years-old, LAURA BISHOP witnessed her first Screening. The Government Sanctioned process where people confess to committed crimes, under the influence of the truth drug Vocacium. (This is a fragment). Her father confesses to a murder of a young girl nearly some years previous but Laura is certain her father is innocent, she just can't prove it. (If he confessed before the events of the novel, you should use past tense. Otherwise it's confusing because the reader thinks that her father confessing to a crime is the start of your novel, when I think it happens in the past). When it's her turned to be Screened, it doesn't work on her. She is immune and gets taken away by the government officials never to see her family again. (I think as a reader I have a few questions about this passage that I don't think get answered. Does EVERYONE get Screened? Why? When? What's the point? Would anyone even bother committing crimes? I think I would like a sentence that explains the system a little more).

 A few years later, after escaping the claustrophobic walls of the research lab, Laura finds her a criminal on the run and working for the secret rebel organisation the Circuit who have vowed to bring down the corporation responsible for the truth drug and the screening (LifeSource Industries). (It seems as the though Vocacium is a big part of your world, which should be mentioned in the first paragraph. Also how does the Circuit plan on bringing down the corporation? Espionage? Murder? I would like to know what Laura's getting herself into).

Things quickly get complicated when Laura is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the unexpected cost of two innocent lives. (What was the crime? What were her reasons? Details are always better than being vague). When the infamous London crime lord, VANCE SINCLAIR promises her safety in exchange for a one small favour: stealing an encrypted flash drive, it seems too simple for her to turn it down.

 

Assisted by her friends, ACE the hacker and KNOX; Laura begins to uncover a deep web tying the murder her father was accused and Vocacium to an underground cybernetics company called SCORPION. Scorpion has been funding the production of Vocacium to support their own experiments; human cybernetics.

The information on the flash drive contains valuable information about Vocacium that could help her expose the true nature of LifeSource Industries but there is a catch. The CEO of LifeSource Industries is Laura’s own brother MARIUS who will stop at nothing to capture his sister, even if it ends her life. (Does she know her brother's the CEO? That seems pretty important. Also, why does he not care if she dies in his attempt to capture her? Also, if she's eighteen, how old is her brother, and how has he become the CEO? I think a sentence on their relationship would be beneficial)

Unfortunately, Laura’s problems don't stop there. Scotland Yard Detective JONAH NOLAN is hot on her trails, hoping that the capture of such a dangerous criminal will boost his career and finally land him the rank of Chief Inspector. However, when he realises that the contents of the flash drive contain the key to an unsolved murder he pursued many years ago; Jonah has to choose between acting on the orders of his superior or do the right thing.

Jonah and Laura are able to track down a scientist who worked on the original experiments of Vocacium and revealed the horrible side effects that the test-subjects suffered. He tells them that these side effects lie dormant for a while but that they will eventually surface and have devastating results on the population. He tells them that the reason to why Immunes like Laura are viewed as dangerous is because if the production of Vocacium stops, Scorpion won’t have any more access to that money (Why is Vocacium so important? Is it critical to the function of your world? You should establish that. Also- is all Scorpion does the cybernetic enhancement experiments? To what end? Why do Scorpion and LifeSource need to be separate companies?).
Meanwhile, Ace and Knox have trouble in the CITADEL (not needed to be all caps) (the underground city inhabited by members of the Circuit), when they discover an ally has turned against them and is working for the CEO of LifeSource Industries and the Citadel is burnt to the ground, risking the lives of everyone there. (What ally, why? Also- have they already burnt it to the ground? Or are they trying to stop it from being burnt to the ground. It's a little unclear)

Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse when Ace can’t get hold of Knox after he has gone in pursuit of the arsonist.

As a final resource, Laura and Jonah give the flash drive to an anti-Vocacium reporter who agrees to broadcast the contents of the flash drive and even gives them a lead on Scorpion. (Why couldn't they do that in the first place? What was stopping them?)

With the CITADEL burnt to the ground and Knox mysteriously missing, Laura and Jonah decide to work together to find Knox and hunt down Scorpion once and for all.

 

(generally synopses include the ending, so you should add a sentence about how it all wraps up)

 

Overall- I think you were hesitant to include a lot of specific detail about your story, including the ending. I know it's tempting to want to save all the best parts for the reader to eventually find out, to make them curious about how everything actually happens, but that's not the function of this particular tool when you're sending it to agents.

 

I think that you also need to add the human element to this-- you spend a lot of time on plot but gloss over the pieces of personal connection that tend to make stories compelling: she's outraged over her incarceration, and her father's arrest (I'm assuming), but her brother is the main villain? How did that happen? What in that relationship makes everything more complicated for your protagonist? Does she need to kill her brother?

 

I read somewhere that it's generally advised that you only introduce 3 characters by name in a synopsis (doesn't have to be exactly 3, but probably no more than 5 is a good idea)-- And I think that you should focus on Laura, Jonah, and her brother (unless her brother's role isn't that important to the story, which would be a shame because there's a lot of potential for conflict there). Introduce Jonah earlier in your synopsis, it seems like he's an afterthought, but he's clearly quite important.

 

Lastly, I think you need to add a sentence that explains why Vocacium seems like an integral part of the "establishment" in your society. Why are they using it despite the side-effects? Does everyone get Screened as a periodic thing, and is it avoidable? Also, if they have the drug, why are there detectives? Things like that should be answered in order to establish what about your world is critical to your plot.

 

I hope you think this is helpful! I'm sorry if I seem a little critical, but it looks like you have a lot of good pieces, they're just a bit jumbled!






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