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THE CIRCUIT (YA Dystopia/Sci-Fi)


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#1 NerdWitch

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Posted 25 November 2016 - 12:05 PM

Any help is welcome.

Third revision at post #16

 

Dear Francesca,

 

As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature and appealing to your soft spot for dystopia, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller  set in a future not too distant from ours, where a young woman’s search for truth and identity in a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science lands her face to face with a rogue cybernetics company.

On the eve of her seventeenth birthday, when the government officials took her away, Laura Bishop knows she won’t see her family again and that her life is forever changed.

It's not like Laura ever had an easy childhood to begin with. For one thing, her bisexuality alienated her from her conservative family the moment they realised she preferred girls over boys. The struggle for acceptance drove her down a path filled with experimental substances found in the darkest corner of London’s criminal underground.

During an annual process called the Screening, Laura witnesses her father confess to a murder under the influence of a truth drug called Vocacium. The only thing is, Laura is certain her father didn’t do it but has no proof.
Laura’s problems don’t stop there. When it’s her turn to be Screened, Vocacium doesn’t have an effect on her.

Fast-forward to the year 2089, after living off the grid and working for a rebel organisation called the Circuit, Laura is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives.

Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission during which she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret that could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and expose the truth behind Vocacium. Laura sees it as a blessing and an opportunity to clear her father’s name but unfortunately there is one huge problem: she belongs to the rare 5% of the population immune to the effects of Vocacium which makes her a wanted criminal but her search turns dangerous when she finds herself dealing with forces beyond her control; a rogue cybernetics company willing to kill people for their experiments that may be at the heart of the mystery.

The only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource is by joining forces with a young Detective named Jonah. Jonah claims he’s on their side but others worry about his loyalties and whether he’s in fact, a double agent.
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and Detective Nolan never wanted to be a cop but the murder of a young girl, five years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no return. Despite their differences, together Laura and Jonah begin to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries



 


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#2 Testome

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Posted 25 November 2016 - 01:53 PM

Any help is welcome.

 

Dear Francesca,

 

As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature and appealing to your soft spot for dystopia, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller  set in a future not too distant from ours, where a young woman’s search for truth and identity in a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science lands her face to face with a rogue cybernetics company.Show us this instead.

On the eve of her seventeenth birthday, when the government officials took her away, Laura Bishop knows she won’t see her family again and that her life is forever changed.

It's not like Laura ever had an easy childhood to begin with. For one thing, her bisexuality alienated her from her conservative family the moment they realised she preferred girls over boys. The struggle for acceptance drove her down a path filled with experimental substances found in the darkest corner of London’s criminal underground.

During an annual process called the Screening, Laura witnesses her father confess to a murder under the influence of a truth drug called Vocacium. The only thing is, Laura is certain her father didn’t do it but has no proof.
Laura’s problems don’t stop there. When it’s her turn to be Screened, Vocacium doesn’t have an effect on her. 

Fast-forward to the year 2089, after living off the grid and working for a rebel organisation called the Circuit, Laura is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives.Three paragraphs of setup is overdoing it.

Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission during which she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret that could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and expose the truth behind Vocacium. Laura sees it as a blessing and an opportunity to clear her father’s name but unfortunately there is one huge problem: she belongs to the rare 5% of the population immune to the effects of Vocacium which makes her a wanted criminal but her search turns dangerous when she finds herself dealing with forces beyond her control; a rogue cybernetics company willing to kill people for their experiments that may be at the heart of the mystery. This line is really your only plot info thus far.  I would expand on it.  The rest is either backstory or setup. What stands in her way? What happens if she fails? I know there is this cybernetics company and that she opposes it, but this still reads like she faces no challenges. I would focus tighter around the conflict.

The only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource is by joining forces with a young Detective named Jonah. Jonah claims he’s on their side but others worry about his loyalties and whether he’s in fact, a double agent. I would focus on this, if it's actually an obstacle.  Right now this query still reads like character introduction and backstory and very little plot. 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and Detective Nolan never wanted to be a cop but the murder of a young girl, five years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no return. Despite their differences, together Laura and Jonah begin to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries


 



#3 Daisy

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Posted 25 November 2016 - 02:01 PM

Any help is welcome.

 

 

Dear Francesca, I'm old school and unless I knew Francesca personally, I'd refer to her as Ms. __________.

 

 

As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature and appealing to your soft spot for dystopia, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT; It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.  set in a future not too distant from ours, where a young woman’s search for truth and identity in a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science lands her face to face with a rogue cybernetics company. When you are finished a manuscript, there are several things you need for your "package".  A query/back cover blurb. A tagline, and a 2 page synopsis. These will be used over and over. The part I suggest removing above reads like a tagline, and I, like Ms. Snark, agree they don't belong in a query.  Get right to the meat instead.  I skimmed over this part because it didn't hold my attention...and you want to GRAB the agent's attention from the start. If that is your tagline, keep it in a file for when you need one, but I don't believe they're needed in a query. :smile:

 

 

On the eve of her seventeenth birthday, when the government officials took her away, Laura Bishop knows she won’t see her family again and that her life is forever changed. This sentence is just really clunky. Can you play around with the wording some more? It's also filled with tropes and clichés. This story starts on a birthday. She won't see her family again. Her life is changed forever. I know your book is different but right now it's reading like countless other queries.  You really need to make yours stand out. 
 

 

 

It's not like Laura ever had an easy childhood to begin with. For one thing, her bisexuality alienated her from her conservative family the moment they realised she preferred girls over boys. The struggle for acceptance drove her down a path filled with experimental substances found in the darkest corner of London’s criminal underground.

Nice. Diversity is something agents are always looking for. :smile: 
 

During an annual process called the Screening, Laura witnesses her father confess to a murder under the influence of a truth drug called Vocacium. The only thing is, Laura is certain her father didn’t do it but has no proof.
Laura’s problems don’t stop there. When it’s her turn to be Screened, Vocacium doesn’t have an effect on her.

Just be careful with your wording here because Laura sounds a lot like Tris from Divergent.  You need your heroine to be unique so play around with the wording. The first thing that popped into my head was...she's divergent!  LOL  I'm in the wrong story now.   :biggrin: If your story is like Divergent at all, you can mention that fans will enjoy this, but right here it sounds too close for comfort.   


Fast-forward to the year 2089, after living off the grid and working for a rebel organisation called the Circuit, Laura is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives.

 


Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission during which she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret that could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and expose the truth behind Vocacium. Laura sees it as a blessing and an opportunity to clear her father’s name but unfortunately there is one huge problem: she belongs to the rare 5% of the population immune to the effects of Vocacium which makes her a wanted criminal but her search turns dangerous when she finds herself dealing with forces beyond her control; a rogue cybernetics company willing to kill people for their experiments that may be at the heart of the mystery.

The only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource is by joining forces with a young Detective named Jonah. Jonah claims he’s on their side but others worry about his loyalties and whether he’s in fact, a double agent.
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and Detective Nolan never wanted to be a cop but the murder of a young girl, five years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no return. Despite their differences, together Laura and Jonah begin to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries


 

 

 

You should definitely reword the first part because now I just have Divergent on my mind. You don't want an agent to stop reading and say, "too similar".

I love Dystopian so I'm your target audience (although I'm not a teen).

This could be a good book but right now I don't see how it's different.  Show me.  :smile: Make me want to read it.  :biggrin:



#4 NerdWitch

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 05:06 AM

Thanks guys. Let me give it another try. The last thing I want is for it to be a copy of divergent as the main plot is actually very different.
 

 

Dear (Agent Name),

As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature and appealing to your soft spot for dystopia, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.

When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task.
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission during which she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret that could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries. Laura sees it as a blessing and an opportunity to clear her father’s name but unfortunately there is one huge problem: her brother, Marius controls the company and he wants nothing more than to capture his sister even if it means ending her life. 
 
It's not like Laura ever had an easy childhood to begin with. For one thing, her bisexuality alienated her from her conservative family the moment they realised she preferred girls over boys. The struggle for acceptance drove her down a path filled with experimental substances found in the darkest corner of London’s criminal underground.
 
The only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a young Detective named Jonah. Jonah claims he’s on their side but others worry about his loyalties and whether he’s in fact, a double agent;
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and Detective Nolan never wanted to be a cop but the murder of a young girls some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the mystery.

Scorpion are willing to kill people for their experiments so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries.

Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#5 Nonicks

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 11:01 AM

 

Thanks guys. Let me give it another try. The last thing I want is for it to be a copy of divergent as the main plot is actually very different.
 

 

Dear (Agent Name),

As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature and appealing to your soft spot for dystopia, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.

When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task.
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission during which she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret that could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries. Laura sees it as a blessing and an opportunity to clear her father’s name (I don't think you should mention this, it will only rise more questions, like what did her father do? I think if you just told "family secret" it would be okay) but unfortunately there is one huge problem: her brother, Marius controls the company and he wants nothing more than to capture his sister even if it means ending her life. 
 
It's not like Laura ever had an easy childhood to begin with. For one thing, her bisexuality alienated her from her conservative family the moment they realised she preferred girls over boys. The struggle for acceptance drove her down a path filled with experimental substances found in the darkest corner of London’s criminal underground. (That paragraph threw me out. There was a cool action plot with secrets and family intrigues and her backstory just doesn't belong. To me, it looks like if you take this paragraph out, nothing will change.)
 
The only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a young Detective named Jonah. Jonah claims he’s on their side but others worry about his loyalties and whether he’s in fact, a double agent;
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and Detective Nolan (you mean - Jonah? Since he's the only detective in this query, but I was confused for a second) never wanted to be a cop but the murder of a young girls some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the mystery.

Scorpion are willing to kill people for their experiments so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside (what differences? I didn't feel there were any) and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries.

 

 

I really liked it! I do have some question, like how her brother's company is connected to Scorpion, but I guess this is part of the mystery, isn't it? So reading this book would solve my questions. 

 

Hope my comments were helpful.

 

If you have time, please take a look at my query:

Red Eyed Daniel



#6 Daisy

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 04:44 PM

 

Thanks guys. Let me give it another try. The last thing I want is for it to be a copy of divergent as the main plot is actually very different.
 

 

Dear (Agent Name),

As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature and appealing to your soft spot for dystopia, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.

When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task.  :smile:  Although the wording needs tweaking, I already like it much better.  Crisp up the sentences.  Make them shorter and snappier.
 
 
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission during which she  to steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret that could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries. Why do I care about LifeSource Industries?  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Can you be more specific?  Laura sees it as a blessing and an opportunity to clear her father’s name <---- This is out of left field.  (I know you mentioned it the previous draft, but it's not in here yet.. but unfortunately there is one huge problem: her brother, Marius controls the company and he wants nothing more than to capture his sister even if it means ending her life. Why? I'm not emotionally invested in anything yet because I'm confused.  :blush:
 
 
It's not like Laura ever had an easy childhood to begin with. For one thing, her bisexuality alienated her from her conservative family the moment they realised she preferred girls over boys. The struggle for acceptance drove her down a path filled with experimental substances found in the darkest corner of London’s criminal underground.
 
The only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a young Detective named Jonah. Jonah claims he’s on their side but others worry about his loyalties and whether he’s in fact, a double agent;
 
This happened in your previous draft. By now my attention has drifted away because I'm confused.  You did a good job of Un-Divergent-ing it (LOL) but now we need to tighten the writing up and make it clearer.  If I was an agent I'd stop reading here.  :sad: 
 
 
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and Detective Nolan never wanted to be a cop but the murder of a young girls some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the mystery.

Scorpion are willing to kill people for their experiments so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries.

 

 

 

See if you can tighten up the first section and make that next paragraph clearer.  :biggrin:



#7 danipie

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 07:51 PM

 

Thanks guys. Let me give it another try. The last thing I want is for it to be a copy of divergent as the main plot is actually very different.
 

 

Dear (Agent Name),

As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature and appealing to your soft spot for dystopia, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.

When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task. nice!
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission during which she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret that could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries. what is the connection of the mission to the crime she committed? Laura sees it as a blessing and an opportunity to clear her father’s name how was her father's name tainted? because of her? you might want to specify but unfortunately there is one huge problem: her brother, Marius controls the company and he wants nothing more than to capture his sister even if it means ending her life. 
 
It's not like Laura ever had an easy childhood to begin with. For one thing, her bisexuality alienated her from her conservative family the moment they realised she preferred girls over boys. The struggle for acceptance drove her down a path filled with experimental substances found in the darkest corner of London’s criminal underground.
 
The only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a young Detective named Jonah Nolan. Jonah claims he’s on their side but others worry about his loyalties and whether he’s in fact, a double agent; end sentence
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and Detective Nolan never wanted to be a cop, but the murder of a young girls some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns this is a big run-on sentence. i would say end here and start a new sentence with this next bit which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the mystery.what mystery?

Scorpion are willing to kill people for their experiments so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries.

 

I think there are areas that need some clarification and areas where you should work on the sentence structure. This feels like something I would want to read, but some of the details feel unclear and confusing! Just keep trying and I think it'll turn out.

 

If you could give any feedback on my query I'd appreciate it so much! http://agentquerycon...-revision-in-6/



#8 A.M.Rose

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Posted 27 November 2016 - 05:44 PM

My comments below in green. 

 

Thanks guys. Let me give it another try. The last thing I want is for it to be a copy of divergent as the main plot is actually very different.
 

 

Dear (Agent Name),

As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature and appealing to your soft spot for dystopia, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller. (Unless you have a personalized message for the agent this feels generic and should be moved to the end of the query. It doesn't do anything for you being up front.) 

When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task. (Nice.)
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission (Takes on a mission? From whom? Is she a spy? Working on her own? This raises a lot of questions.)  during which she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret that could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries. Laura sees it as a blessing and an opportunity to clear her father’s name but unfortunately there is one huge problem: her brother, Marius controls the company and he wants nothing more than to capture his sister even if it means ending her life. (This whole part here raises a lot of questions and not really in a good way. What does this have to do with how you opened this query? Her committing the crime. Are they related at all? If so how? Connect the dots.)
 
It's not like Laura ever had an easy childhood to begin with. For one thing, her bisexuality alienated her from her conservative family the moment they realised she preferred girls over boys. The struggle for acceptance drove her down a path filled with experimental substances found in the darkest corner of London’s criminal underground.  This is all backstory and isn't needed in your query. 
 
The only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a young Detective named Jonah (I'm confused on how this world works. Are teens detectives in this world? How "young" is he?). Jonah claims he’s on their side but others worry about his loyalties and whether he’s in fact, a double agent; What "others" think isn't really relative. What does the MC think? 
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and Detective Nolan (I assume you mean Jonah - consider using the same name here) never wanted to be a cop but the murder of a young girls some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the mystery. (This makes no scene to me whatsoever. What does he not wanting to be a cop have to do with the plot? Is he an MC too? Keep this simple. About your MC. Who is your MC? What does she want? What stands in her way? What happens if she fails (stakes)? 

Scorpion are willing to kill people for their experiments so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries. (This doesn't feel like your stakes. Why do Laura or Jonah care if they kill "people"? How does this affect the MC?) 

 


A.M. Rose

Author of Road to Eugenica - Available 2018 from Entangled Teen 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#9 NerdWitch

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Posted 28 November 2016 - 07:31 AM

Third attempt, tried to keep all your suggestions in mind :) Thanks guys! 

 

Dear (Agent Name)


When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task. 
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission from infamous crime lord Vance Sinclair in exchange for protection. During the mission, she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that's been used in vaccinations in almost every citizen. This could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries; the Corporation who runs the country. Laura sees it as an opportunity to finally get what she wants - bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and the CEO; her brother Marius who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away from her family and run experiments on her. 
 
However. the only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a detective called Jonah Nolan. Although Laura isn't sure she can entirely trust Jonah because if he captures her, it can land him the rank of Chief Inspector. 
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and she certainly didn't want to work together with a cop but t the murder of a young girl some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the web. 
Although when Scorpion realize Laura is getting close solving the mystery, they are willing to kill people she cares about for their experiments; human cybernetics. so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries.
 
As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.,
 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#10 KrystenH

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Posted 28 November 2016 - 06:15 PM

 

Third attempt, tried to keep all your suggestions in mind :) Thanks guys! 

 

Dear (Agent Name)


When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes [she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run.] In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task. I still feel that part is overly wordy and no punchy enough for a hook.
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission from infamous crime lord Vance Sinclair in exchange for protection. I'm wondering why a crime lord would want to steal data from a pharmaceutical company... During the mission, she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that's been used in vaccinations in almost every citizen. This could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries; the Corporation who runs the country. Laura sees it as an opportunity to finally get what she wants - bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and the CEO; her brother Marius who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away from her family and run experiments on her.  who also happens to be her brother.
 
However. the only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a detective called Jonah Nolan. Although Laura isn't sure she can entirely trust Jonah him because if he captures her, it can land him the rank of Chief Inspector. 
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and she certainly didn't want to work together with a cop but [the murder of a young girl some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns] which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the web. Again, I'm torn about this. It feels too much like backstory and isn't punchy enough. I think it can be summarized as 'a old murder case sets them both on a revenge filled path of no return'. Okay, that kind of stinks too but you get the idea, yeah?

Although when Scorpion realize Laura is getting close solving the mystery, they are willing to kill people she cares about for their experiments; human cybernetics. so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries.
 
As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.,
 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration. Thank you for not throwing rotten fruit at me! :D

 

 

 

There is still the issue of character soup. I don't think the crime lord and CEO brother need to be named. Question: Does this book have a dual-POV between Laura and Jonah (think Ember in the Ashes) or it is solely in Laura's POV? 

 

I'm still not seeing the connection between Scorpion and everything else going on. Are they the ones behind all of LifeSource's bad stuff? It might be worth considering leaving their name out and finishing up the query like 'Laura and Jonah investigate the crimes behind LifeSources experiments only to find that they might not be the ones pulling the strings' DUN DUN DUN or something like that. 

 

I hope that helps. Could you take a look at my query, Shadowfall? It would be much appreciated!



#11 cassia

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Posted 30 November 2016 - 06:18 AM

 

Third attempt, tried to keep all your suggestions in mind :) Thanks guys! 

 

Dear (Agent Name)


When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed * for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task. Up until where I put the star, I think it is a great hook - and I believe it can be, you just might have to work a little bit on it. I agree, the sentence might be overly long and wordy for hook. Maybe if you could break it up some and rephrase it, it could work. 
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission from infamous crime lord Vance Sinclair in exchange for protection. During the mission, she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that's been used in vaccinations in almost every citizen. This could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries; the Corporation who runs the country. Laura sees it as an opportunity to finally get what she wants - bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and the CEO; her brother Marius who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away from her family and run experiments on her. I love the part about taking on a mission of a crime lord - I think this paragraph describes too much, though. Maybe you could sum it up some: Through a mission by the infamous crime lord Vance Sinclair, she gets the chance to achieve her own goals: bring down ... (not exactly like that, but you see what I'm getting at). Not sure if the part about her past needs to be included here; maybe it would be enough for the agent to know her brother betrayed her and she wants to seek revenge. Let them find out why in the story.
 
However. the only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a detective called Jonah Nolan. Although Laura isn't sure she can entirely trust Jonah because if he captures her, it can land him the rank of Chief Inspector. Maybe just mention she has to join up with a detective she's not sure she can trust?
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and she certainly didn't want to work together with a cop but t the murder of a young girl some years previous sets them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the web. 
Although when Scorpion realizes Laura is getting close to solving the mystery, they are willing to kill people she cares about for their experiments; human cybernetics. so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries.
 
As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.,
 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I think your story sounds really great and interesting! I just think that your query might be a little bit too detailed. You could shorten a lot of the information while still making it sound interesting (even more interesting, in fact), because you don't reveal too much of the background information.

 

I hope this helps any! If you have the time, I would appreciate you reading over my own query (YA fantasy novel by cassia, posted yesterday, and a new version today). Thank you so much! :-)

 

Best



#12 Lauraburns22

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Posted 30 November 2016 - 05:17 PM

Laura Bishop is a criminal on the run after she is spotted at the scene of the crime that she committed for the right reasons despite the cost of two innocent lives. When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task. 
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission from infamous crime lord Vance Sinclair in exchange for protection. During the mission, sShe steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret - a fatal pathogen that's been used in vaccinations in almost every citizen. This could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries; the Corporation who which runs the country. Laura sees it as an opportunity to finally get what she wants - bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and its CEO; her brother Marius who betrayed her when he allowed by allowing scientists to take her away from her family and run experiments on her. (Who for people, which for things unless you did this on person to create the image of this corporation being a person in line with the supreme court ruling ;) 
 
Laura joins forces with Detective Jonah Nola to get closer to LifeSource and her brother, but she However. the only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a detective called Jonah Nolan. Although Laura isn't sure she can entirely trust Jonah. because If he captures her, it can land him the rank of Chief Inspector. 
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and she certainly didn't want to work together with a cop but the murder of a young girl some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: too wordy) Together, they discover the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the web. 
Although wWhen Scorpion realizes Laura is getting close to solving the mystery, they are willing to kill people she cares about for their human cybernetics experiments. Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries.
 
As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.,
 
 
 
 
You have a lot villians in this story, which I like but it feels like a lot to introduce in a query letter. Be careful with wordy sentences, they can be hard to get through. I enjoyed the action filled nature of this plot and hope that you find an agent soon.
 
If you have time, would you please read my query lettter for Not Enough Words (Gay YA) Thank you! 


#13 Daisy

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Posted 02 December 2016 - 10:52 AM

 

Third attempt, tried to keep all your suggestions in mind :) Thanks guys! 

 

Dear (Agent Name)


When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes  she committed for the right reasons-- but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task. 
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she Laura takes on a mission from infamous crime lord Vance Sinclair in exchange for protection. During the missionI'd think of a another word rather than repeating mission she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that's has been used in vaccinations in on almost every citizen. This could  bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries;(I think you need to make that last part about the downfall of LifeSource Industries stronger. Play around with the wording a bit more)  the Corporation who  that runs the country.
 
Laura sees it as an opportunity to finally get what she wants - bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and the CEO; her brother Marius who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away from her family and run experiments on her. Make this part stronger! This is the meat of your query.  WOW me here.  :biggrin:  You know you want to! 
 
However. the only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a detective called Jonah Nolan. Although Laura isn't sure she can entirely trust Jonah because if he captures her, it can land him the rank of Chief Inspector. 
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and she certainly didn't want to work together with a cop but t the murder of a young girl some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: This sentence is really clunky. Play around with it some more. :wub: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the web.  
 

Although when Scorpion realizes Laura is getting close solving the mystery, they are willing to kill people she cares about for their experiments; human cybernetics. so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries. Same here.  This last part feels really lazy and you don't want any of your writing to feel lazy, ESPECIALLY in your query.
 
As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.,
 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

It's getting there!

 

Keep going.  :biggrin:



#14 MonaLon

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Posted 03 December 2016 - 05:35 PM

 

Third attempt, tried to keep all your suggestions in mind :) Thanks guys! 

 

Dear (Agent Name)


When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. This first sentence is really confusing to me. It took me a minute to realize what you were trying to say, and with a hook you don't want the reader to be confused. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task. 
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission from infamous crime lord Vance Sinclair in exchange for protection. During the mission, she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that's been used in vaccinations in almost every citizen. This could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries; the Corporation who runs the country. Laura sees it as an opportunity to finally get what she wants - bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and the CEO; her brother Marius who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away from her family and run experiments on her. The final sentence in this paragraph reads a little strangely. I'd consider rewriting it.
 
However. the only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a detective called Jonah Nolan. Although Laura isn't sure she can entirely trust Jonah because if he captures her, it can land him the rank of Chief Inspector. I think this should be rewritten with a little more voice. Right now this seems more like you're just stating facts from your plot, like a synopsis.
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and she certainly didn't want to work together with a cop but t the murder of a young girl some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the web. <-- This is basically a run-on sentence. Definitely rewrite this to make it clearer!
Although when Scorpion realizes Laura is getting close solving the mystery, they are willing to kill people she cares about for their experiments; human cybernetics. so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries. This is still rewritten very matter-of-factly. Really delve me into your world! It sounds so interesting but I'm not feeling it yet.
 
As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller., I would just say "THE CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word Young Adult dystopian thriller.
 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I like where you're going with this, but your main problem right now is really engaging the reader! This felt very distant and almost like a summary, instead of an exciting pitch showing us what your story has to offer. If you can get rid of the awkwardly written sentences and bring in a stronger voice, I think you'll have something strong.

 

Good luck writing!



#15 Mezzanine

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Posted 05 December 2016 - 08:56 AM

 

Third attempt, tried to keep all your suggestions in mind :) Thanks guys! 

 

Dear (Agent Name)


When Laura Bishop is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons but at the cost of two innocent lives - she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. In a world steeped in corporate espionage and cutting edge science, this is no easy task. 
 
Desperate and guilt ridden, she takes on a mission from infamous crime lord Vance Sinclair in exchange for protection. During the mission, she steals an encrypted flash drive containing a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that's been used in vaccinations in almost every citizen. This could bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries; the Corporation who runs the country. Laura sees it as an opportunity to finally get what she wants - bring about the downfall of LifeSource Industries and the CEO; her brother Marius who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away from her family and run experiments on her. 
 
However. the only way Laura is able to get close to LifeSource and her brother, is by joining forces with a detective called Jonah Nolan. Although Laura isn't sure she can entirely trust Jonah because if he captures her, it can land him the rank of Chief Inspector. 
 
But Laura never meant to become a criminal and she certainly didn't want to work together with a cop but t the murder of a young girl some years previous set them both on a revenge filled path of no returns which eventually lands them face to face with a dangerous adversary: the rogue cybernetics company Scorpion, that may be at the heart of the web. 
Although when Scorpion realize Laura is getting close solving the mystery, they are willing to kill people she cares about for their experiments; human cybernetics. so Laura and Jonah have to put their differences aside and work together in order to untangle the secrets of LifeSource Industries.
 
As per your submission guidelines and your interest in YA literature, I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT. It is a 70,000-word Young Adult Dystopian thriller.,
 
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

You have  a good beginning.
 
I’d shorten your opening sentence, removing “she believes…innocent lives”. It’s too long.
 
Can a world be steeped in cutting edge science? When you say steeped in item a and then mention item b, “steeped” applies to both. But saying the world is steeped in cutting edge science doesn’t make sense. I think you should remove that. Actually, I’d remove that sentence entirely because it really doesn’t add anything and reads more like telling than showing.
 
Corporation shouldn’t be capitalized. You’ve already given the name of the corporation
 
You mention too many characters. You have Laura, Vance, Marius, Jonah. You really need to focus or some would say it is character soup.
 
When you mention the company Scorpion in the penultimate paragraph, you personalize the company and make it sound like the company, not someone at the company, is realizing Laura is getting close. 
 
You have some typos that need to be fixed.
 
More generally, I think you’re trying to do give way too much information about the story. There’s all these characters with little about them.
 
You really need to show the main character making a big decision and the stakes involved in that decision. What happens if she chooses Choice A, and what if she instead goes with Choice B? Choices define us. Choices define character, motivations, goals, and can help give the story shape and direction. Without that big choice, your story may read as a list of events rather than a story with a plot.
 
I think this could be a great story, and I encourage you to keep going. Try to really focus, draw out that choice (from Act One of your story), and you could have a real gem.
 
Hope this helps. Best of luck!
 


#16 NerdWitch

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Posted 05 December 2016 - 10:49 AM

Here we go with the fourth attempt, hopefully I'm getting somwhere. I really appreciate all your input and I will try my best to get aorund to your queries as well :)

Dear (Agent Name),
Laura Bishop wants nothing more than to seek revenge on the brother who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away and run experiments on her. Especially because it made her believe her bisexuality was the reason.

When she is spotted at the scene of gruesome crime she committed for the right reasons – but at the cost of two innocent lives – she finds herself a criminal on the run and hunted by LifeSource Industries; the corporation who runs the country and is fronted by her brother.

Desperate for protection, Laura takes on a mission from an unlikely ally, during which she steals an encrypted flash drive that contains a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that has been used in vaccinations on almost every citizen. Finally Laura has an opportunity to get what she wants but it won’t be easy. She’s got to join forces with Detective Jonah Nolan but she isn’t sure if she can trust him because if he hands her to the authorities it can finally land him the rank of Chief Inspector.

Laura and Detective Nolan begin to realise they might be in over their heads when they discover that a rogue Cybernetics company called Scorpion may have been using LifeSource Industries and the vaccinations as a front to fund their experiments; illegal human cybernetics.

However, when Scorpion realise how close they're getting bodies of loved ones begin to drop and Laura and Detective Nolan have to race against time to stop them.

I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT, a 70,000 word YA sci-fi.
Thank you for your time and consideration


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#17 NerdWitch

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 11:16 AM

Fourth attempt :D

 

 

Dear (Agent Name),
Laura Bishop wants nothing more than to seek revenge on the brother who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away and run experiments on her. Especially because it made her believe her bisexuality was the reason.

When she is spotted at the scene of gruesome crime she committed for the right reasons – but at the cost of two innocent lives – she finds herself a criminal on the run and hunted by LifeSource Industries; the corporation who runs the country and is fronted by her brother.

Desperate for protection, Laura takes on a mission from an unlikely ally, during which she steals an encrypted flash drive that contains a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that has been used in vaccinations on almost every citizen. Finally Laura has an opportunity to get what she wants but it won’t be easy. She’s got to join forces with Detective Jonah Nolan but she isn’t sure if she can trust him because if he hands her to the authorities it can finally land him the rank of Chief Inspector.

Laura and Detective Nolan begin to realise they might be in over their heads when they discover that a rogue Cybernetics company called Scorpion may have been using LifeSource Industries and the vaccinations as a front to fund their experiments; illegal human cybernetics.

However, when Scorpion realise how close they're getting bodies of loved ones begin to drop and Laura and Detective Nolan have to race against time to stop them.

I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT, a 70,000 word YA sci-fi.
Thank you for your time and consideration


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#18 heynowyou

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Posted 08 December 2016 - 07:26 PM

Fourth attempt :D

 

 

Dear (Agent Name),
Laura Bishop wants nothing more than to seek revenge on the brother who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away and run experiments on her. (it's definitely an intriguing opening line but it's a little long and reads awkward) Especially because it made her believe her bisexuality was the reason. (this is confusing. What made her believe it was because she was bi? The experiments or the betrayal? Either way its a little far fetched to connect her sexuality to the betrayal or experiment without more information)

When she is spotted at the scene of gruesome crime she committed for the right reasons – but at the cost of two innocent lives – she finds herself a criminal on the run and hunted by LifeSource Industries; the corporation who runs the country and is fronted by her brother. (Good world building but this is all too vague. State her crime and say so confidently)

Desperate for protection, Laura takes on a mission from an unlikely ally, during which she to (If you're not going to say who the ally is or why they're unlikely it all comes off as vague) steals an encrypted flash drive that contains a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that has been used in vaccinations on almost every citizen. Finally Laura has an opportunity to get what she wants but it won’t be easy. (What does she want? And why wont it be easy? At this point in the letter and I still don't know what it is she wants or who is even against her. Is it her brother? Whoever is doing the experiments?) She’s got to join forces with Detective Jonah Nolan but she isn’t sure if she can trust him because if he hands her to the authorities it can finally land him the rank of Chief Inspector. 

Laura and Detective Nolan begin to realise they might be in over their heads when they discover that a rogue Cybernetics company called Scorpion may have been using LifeSource Industries and the vaccinations as a front to fund their experiments; illegal human cybernetics. (This is like a whole other plot and it only gets one sentence. Do I care about her brothers company or Scorpion? because her brother's got a full paragraph and Scorpion gets one sentence.)

However, when Scorpion realise how close they're getting bodies of loved ones begin to drop and Laura and Detective Nolan have to race against time to stop them. (I dont know what this sentence means. I don't know if its a typo or maybe missing some words or punctuation but this sentence doesn't make sense to me. I think you're trying to say that when Laura starts to get close her loved ones start being killed?)

I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT, a 70,000 word YA sci-fi. (Just say, completed at 70,000 words, THE CIRCUIT is a young adult science fiction novel/thriller)
Thank you for your time and consideration

 

This needs some focus. You set up Laura vs her brother and dropped it. And you mention her sexuality but did nothing with it. Both points lead me to believe that they aren't important to the plot and thus have no place in the letter. If they are important to the plot then that's what needs to be the focus. Same with Nolan and Scorpion. If he and that company are important then they need to be the focus. But you can't have all four and Laura because it ends up reading like a lot of half baked ideas instead of one solid one. Hopefully that helps. Good luck

 

EDIT: I just read your very first attempt. And while long the opening and first paragraph of your first query do a far better job at hooking the reader (at least me lol) and it progresses better. Maybe there's something to salvage from that first query. 


Edited by heynowyou, 08 December 2016 - 07:29 PM.

Here's my attempt at a query letter

KEEPERS (YA urban fantasy)

Any help is appreciated and will be reciprocated to the best of my abilities.


#19 yawriter

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 10:34 PM

Heads up. You don't have this post on post 16, so I got a bit lost. 

Fourth attempt :D

 

 

Dear (Agent Name),
Laura Bishop wants nothing more than to seek revenge on the brother who betrayed her when he allowed scientists to take her away and run experiments on her.​ (space) This is kind of a long hook. I actually had to go back and reread, but neat concept. Is there a way to condense?  Especially because it made her believe her bisexuality was the reason. perhaps "suspicious" could be used here?

When she is spotted at the scene of gruesome crime, she committed for the right reasons – but at the cost of two innocent lives – she finds herself a criminal on the run and hunted by LifeSource Industries; the corporation who runs the country and is fronted by her brother.

Desperate for protection, Laura takes on a mission from an unlikely ally, during which she steals an encrypted flash drive that contains a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen that has been used in vaccinations on almost every citizen. Finally Laura has an opportunity to get what she wants but it won’t be easy. She’s got to join forces with Detective Jonah Nolan but she isn’t sure if she can trust him because if he hands her to the authorities it can finally land him the rank of Chief Inspector.

Laura and Detective Nolan begin to realise they might be in over their heads when they discover that a rogue Cybernetics company called Scorpion may have been using LifeSource Industries and the vaccinations as a front to fund their experiments; illegal human cybernetics.

However, when Scorpion realise how close they're getting bodies of loved ones begin to drop and Laura and Detective Nolan have to race against time to stop them.

I would like to send you THE CIRCUIT, a 70,000 word YA sci-fi.
Thank you for your time and consideration



#20 NerdWitch

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Posted 17 June 2018 - 05:56 AM

Fifth attempt. 

It seems like I somehow accidentally posted an old query as the fifth attempt without double checking so apologies for the confusion. This is what I was actually going to post. 

 

------------------

 

 

 

Dear (Agent’s Name),

 

A terrorist wanted for murder and a cop hellbent on revenge must work together to stop rogue scientists from creating bionic humans.

 

It all started with the drug that labelled Laura Bishop a criminal: Vocacium.

Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous. Outlawed and hunted, Bishop’s only sanctuary lies with the Circuit; a faction of mercenaries dwelling in the London Underworld. For years, they’ve been trying to bring down the corporate regime who rule the city with an iron fist.

 

Because of her reckless actions during a heist-gone-wrong, two civilians are caught in the crossfire. Now, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Bishop will give him the promotion and closure he’s always sought. Years ago, Bishop’s father was arrested for the murder of his childhood sweetheart. What Jonah doesn’t know is that Laura has found a flash drive. It contains information that ties everything to an enigmatic science division called Scorpion.

 

While facing incarceration, Bishop gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to find out what happened all those years ago. Or he can let her die an innocent, knowing the so-called Utopia he’s sworn to protect is a lie.  

 

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word-work of speculative fiction with series potential that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light and Claire North’s 84K.

Thank you for your time.


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 





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