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Not Enough Words (Gay YA)


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#21 Vio Liddell

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Posted 08 December 2016 - 04:26 PM

 

Dear agent - 
 
When seventeen year old Taylor meets Sara, she's trying to figure out a lot of things as anxiety overcomes her, like a stranger in her chest trying to steal half her breath. Just a suggestion, maybe not the perfect turn of phrase, lol, but something to shorten the sentence and make it nicer to read as a hook.
 
Self-assured and super-cool Sara introduces her to a world of pansexuality, gender fluidity, polyamory, and every other identity in the LGBTQIA rainbow. (I agree that this sounds like a general list and it’s not very evocative. The acronym is too vague and not very nice to read in a query. Maybe you could evoke pansexuality or polyamory with Taylor’s words, so that the reader could get a better glimpse of the rainbow and relate easier). Now Taylor has figured at least one thing out - she's in love with Sara. I like the way this line echoes with your hook. But I agree with Heynowyou: maybe you could bring out a particular trait of Sara to better show the reader why Taylor fell for her (although we guess that part of why Taylor fell for her is Sara’s self-assured, super-cool and “experienced” side). When they start dating, Taylor has to navigate her insecurities about Sara's old life (does this mean Sara has been dating mainly boys before or something like that, and Taylor worries that she will turn away from her? I don’t really get it), the overwhelming emotions of falling in love for the first time, and the art of coming out. There's nothing like announcing you have a girlfriend to show you who your true friends are. Good point. When Sara and Taylor's mutual friend, Christian, faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but what we do about it that matters.
 
NEVER ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 55,000 words, and will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and SISTER MISCHIEF. This Young Adult/New Adult coming-of-age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages. Interesting! I would be really curious to read it.
 
As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was. 
 
Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!
 
 
 
I'm keeping the bio even though it doesn't sell me as a writer because it's a way of making sure the agent knows that this is an #ownvoices book - gay YA written by a gay. You’re right. I often read from agents the “tell me why you’re the right person to write this precise story” line. I think your bio does the job very well.

 

 

Heynowyou pointed out that there was no villain or force to overcome. The force to overcome could actually be Taylor’s anxiety and her insecurities about Sara’s love for her, but I admit I was wondering at the end of your query, whether the conflict would center on Taylor and Sara or Christian’s identity and the way Taylor and Sara relate to it.



#22 julialynn

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Posted 10 December 2016 - 09:23 PM

 

Also, some people, myself included, find the Q-word (in your second paragraph), which is a slur, to be insulting. Some of the younger generation don’t, of course, and some use it politically to contradict its power as a political project, but using it runs the risk of insulting some people. It’s up to you, but something to consider if you haven’t already.
 

 

 

I thought Q now stood for "questioning?" 


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#23 Lauraburns22

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 10:29 AM

Q can represent questioning, but it can also stand for queer, which is a term for humans who don't feel that they fit in the gender expression or sexual attraction binaries of female and male. 


Dear agent -

When seventeen year old Taylor meets Sara, she is trying to figure out her overwhelming anxiety and the stranger than usual behavior of her friend, Christian.

Super cool and confident Sara introduces her to a world of pansexuality, gender fluidity, polyamory, and every other identity in the LGBTQIA rainbow. Sara is endlessly interesting and so stupidly attractive. Now Taylor has figured at least one thing out - she's in love with this girl.

Now that she has a girlfriend, Taylor also has to figure out how to navigate the all encompassing emotions of falling in love for the first time and the art of coming out. There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined to show you who your true friends are. When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but what we do about it that matters.

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and SISTER MISCHIEF. This Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages.

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!



#24 JonasJ

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 11:08 AM

I LIKE THIS QUERY! Good luck. You can check over my query to. I really need feedbacks.

 

 

Dear Ms. (Mr.)  agent – (never use AGENT when you send the query. Just the last name)

 

When seventeen year old Taylor meets Sara, she is trying to figure out her overwhelming anxiety and the stranger than usual behavior of her friend, Christian. (like this.)

 

Super cool and confident Sara introduces her to a world of pansexuality, gender fluidity, polyamory, and every other identity in the LGBTQIA rainbow. (or Super cool and confident Sara introduces her to LGBTQIA world.) If shorter, better. Gay readers already have an idea of it. I do. I am gay.) Sara is endlessly interesting and so stupidly attractive. Now Taylor has figured at least one thing out - she's in love with this girl.

 

Now that she has a girlfriend, Taylor also has to figure out how to navigate the all encompassing emotions of falling in love for the first time and the art of coming out. There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined to show you who your true friends are. When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but what we do about it that matters.

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and SISTER MISCHIEF. This Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages. (remember to include the underline part if this is what the agent asks in her/his guidelines submissions)

 

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was. (I like this. I like your reasons, indeed.)

 

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below.

 

Thank you for your time. (don’t use !)

 

Regards,

 

 

(your name)

 

(CONTACT INFO)



#25 miahayson

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 12:50 PM

I'm new here, and honestly it was a pleasure to read through and see this come together with such great people helping!

 

As a reader the only thing that sticks out to me is this

 

"When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but what we do about it that matters."

 

I love it, but I wonder whether it's giving away the whole book without creating a hook? Idk idk. Really just a thought. It just feels like I'm being told the end of the book before the hook if you get what I mean? Like if it was reworded into a question or in a more open ended way it might be better?



#26 jessicav

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 06:04 PM

Q can represent questioning, but it can also stand for queer, which is a term for humans who don't feel that they fit in the gender expression or sexual attraction binaries of female and male. 


Dear agent -

When seventeen year old Taylor meets Sara, she is trying to figure out (maybe another phrasing? This one sounds off) her overwhelming anxiety and the stranger than usual behavior of her friend, Christian.

Super cool and confident Sara introduces her to a world of pansexuality, gender fluidity, polyamory, and every other identity in the LGBTQIA rainbow. Sara is endlessly interesting and so stupidly attractive (I like this description). Now Taylor has figured at least one thing out (Maybe, "Now Taylor has at least one thing figured out")- she's in love with this girl.

Now that she has a girlfriend, Taylor also has to figure out how to navigate the all encompassing emotions of falling in love for the first time and the art of coming out. There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined to show you who your true friends are. (I like this sentence) When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they (Who? The 3 girls?) all realize that it's not how we identify, but what we do about it that matters.

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and SISTER MISCHIEF. This Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages.

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!



#27 JonBurgess

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 06:20 PM

The first sentence on the query really jumped out at me. I'm not sure if it's appropriate for the genre, but you may want something a bit more dynamic.

 

Instead of:

 

"When seventeen year old Taylor meets Sara, she is trying to figure out her overwhelming anxiety and the stranger than usual behavior of her friend, Christian."

 

What about:

 

"Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to deal with right now, like figuring out the reason for her best friend's strange behavior and coping with her own overwhelming anxiety. As if that weren't enough, Super cool and confident Sara walks into her life..."

 

Just as an example. It may seem a bit "action-y," but hopefully that keeps people reading. I'm not terribly familiar with the genre, so feel free to disregard if this isn't appropriate. :-)



#28 Vio Liddell

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Posted 07 January 2017 - 09:37 PM

Q can represent questioning, but it can also stand for queer, which is a term for humans who don't feel that they fit in the gender expression or sexual attraction binaries of female and male. 


Dear agent -

When seventeen year old Taylor meets Sara, she is trying to figure out her overwhelming anxiety and the stranger than usual behavior of her friend, Christian.

Super cool and confident Sara introduces her to a world of pansexuality, gender fluidity, polyamory, and every other identity in the LGBTQIA rainbow (shame that you still have the list..). Sara is endlessly interesting and so stupidly attractive. Now Taylor has figured at least one thing out - she's in love with this girl. Cool! Now we can hear Taylor's voice.

Now that she has a girlfriend, Taylor also has to figure out (echoing twice is punchy and works well, echoing more is redundant..) how to navigate the all encompassin  g emotions   of falling in love for the first time and the art of coming out. There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined (too formal and stilted, try to reword) to show you who your true friends are. When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but what we do about it that matters.

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and SISTER MISCHIEF. This Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages.

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!

 

I'm going to be annoying, lol... But I think your previous hook was nicer  :blush:  I mean, for a romance novel. Here it feels like you tried to push the conflict with Christian in, cutting off the glimpse we should have gotten of Taylor and Sara's romance. It kind of clutters up the hook and it's confusing. Maybe you could keep the hook as it was with just Taylor's anxiety. You have the whole first paragraph to introduce Christian, don't try to rush it.

So the main conflict is Christian's identity crisis and the way Taylor and Sara relate to it? Correct me if I'm wrong, but your query sounds like there's no real conflict in Taylor and Sara's relationship, just the anxiety and coming-of-age of Taylor.

 

Again, good luck with your work  :wink:

 

I've posted a new version of my query for The Hero Syndrome, if you want to take a look.



#29 R. William Isenor

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 08:07 PM

Lauraburns22 I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. Thank you for your review of EVEN BLADES SLEEP. I just posted a completely revised letter and I'd be happy to get your opinion. I worked a lot of the reviews from you all into this from-scratch piece.


Dear agent -

 

When seventeen year old Taylor meets Sara, she is trying to figure out her overwhelming anxiety and the stranger than usual behavior of her friend, Christian. (Intrigue, I like.)

 

Super cool and confident Sara introduces her to a world of pansexuality, gender fluidity, polyamory, and every other identity in the LGBTQIA rainbow. Sara is endlessly interesting and so stupidly attractive. Now Taylor has figured at least one thing out - she's in love with this girl. (There is some word dropping going on here that. I don't think you need to cut any words, but maybe re-work how they are listed? Just my opinion.)

 

Now that she has a girlfriend, Taylor also has to figure out how to navigate the all encompassing emotions of falling in love for the first time and the art of coming out. (Lots of new emotions and firsts, readers will relate!) There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined to show you who your true friends are. (I get lost in this sentence...) When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but what we do about it that matters. (Nice!)

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and SISTER MISCHIEF. This Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages.

 

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was. (Keep up the great work!)

 

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!



#30 Lauraburns22

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 01:25 PM

Dear agent -

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to deal with right now, like figuring out why her best friend, Christian’s, has been acting so strangely and how to deal with her own overwhelming anxiety. As if that weren't enough, super cool and confident Sara walks into her life and upends everything by introducing her to a world of pansexuality, genderqueerness, and all the other identities of LGBTQIA alphabet soup. Sara is endlessly interesting and so stupidly attractive. Now Taylor has at least one thing figured out - she's in love with this girl.

Now that she has a girlfriend, Taylor navigates the all of the feels that come with falling in love for the first time and the art of coming out. There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined, even if you don’t really know how you identify yet, to show you who your true friends are. When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but who we are underneath it all that matters.

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and CRANK. This alternative format Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages.

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!



#31 trailerbride

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Posted 11 April 2017 - 02:55 PM

There are a lot of unnecessary words here. Brevity is the key of a good query, I think. If you can do it without losing your voice. I've suggested some edits. I hope some of them work for you.

Dear agent -

Seventeen-year-old Taylor has a lot to deal with right now, like figuring out why her best friend, Christian’s, ha is been acting so strangely and how to deal with her own overwhelming anxiety. As if that weren't enough, super cool and confident Sara walks into her life and upends everything by introducesing her to a world of pansexuality, genderqueerness, and all the other identities the full flavour of the LGBTQIA* alphabet soup. Sara is endlessly interesting and so stupidly attractive.  (I think the super cool and confident makes her attractive enough for the query) The only thing Now Taylor has at least one thing figured out - knows for sure is she's in love with this girl.

 

There seems to be a leap between falling in love and having a girlfriend that can probably best be resolved by deleting the next six words.

 

Now that she has a girlfriend, Taylor must navigates the all of the feels that come with falling in first love for the first time and the art of coming out. There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined, even if you don’t really know how you identify yet, to show you who your true friends are -- this feels clumsy but I'm not sure how to improve it. Possibly delete it and write it again? When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but who we are underneath it all that matters.

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and CRANK. This alternative format Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages.

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

 

*Just a thought but you might try QUILTBAG just because of the way it sounds.

** I'm not absolutely sure but if Christian is the transgirl, then I think the sentence I italicised can just be deleted.



#32 Lauraburns22

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Posted 30 April 2017 - 01:34 PM

Dear agent -

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out - why her friend, Christian, is acting so strangely and how to stop her overpowering anxiety. As if that weren't enough, stupidly attractive and super confident Sara introduces her to the full flavor of the LGBTQIA alphabet soup. Now the only thing Taylor has figured out is that she’s in love with this girl.

Taylor must navigate all of the feels that come with being in love and coming out. There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined, even if you don’t know how you identify yet, to show you who your true friends are. Sara seems to have it all figured out, but Taylor isn’t sure where she fits as she explores the world of gender fluidity, pansexuality, and polyamory. When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but who we are underneath it all that matters.

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and CRANK. This alternative format Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages.

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!



#33 dragoness

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Posted 03 May 2017 - 11:20 AM

The story seems very interesting!  :smile:

 

I think the query would be more interesting if you'd give more details about the MC that would make her look uniqe and enable the reader to identify with her. I feel we mostly know her as the girl who explore her sexuality, and that's not enough to make the reader care.

 

Dear agent -

 

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out - why her friend, Christian, is acting so strangely, (comma) and how to stop her overpowering anxiety. As if that weren't enough, stupidly attractive and super confident Sara introduces her to the full flavor of the LGBTQIA alphabet soup. Now the only thing Taylor has figured out is that she’s in love with this girl.

 

Taylor must navigate all of the feelings that come with being in love and coming out. There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined, even if you don’t know how you identify yet, to show you who your true friends are.

 

While Sara seems to have it all figured out, but Taylor isn’t sure where she fits as she explores the world of gender fluidity, pansexuality, and polyamory. When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but who we are underneath it all that matters. (this ending is a summery, not a choice or a complicated situation that intrigues the reader. I think you better end the query with the MC's dilemma)

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is Young Adult (specify the genre) complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and CRANK. This alternative format Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages. (the format is intimidating, so I suggest not to mention it. let the novel talk for itself.)

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

 

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!

 

Thank you for critiquing my query!

 

Would you like to look at the new version? http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#34 eric balson

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Posted 12 May 2017 - 01:59 PM

Dear agent -

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out - why her friend, Christian, is acting so strangely and how to stop her overpowering anxiety. As if that weren't enough, stupidly attractive and super confident Sara introduces her to the full flavor of the LGBTQIA alphabet soup. Now the only thing Taylor has figured out is that she’s in love with this girl.

 

 

You've set up everything nicely with the first paragraph, but the second one is a circuitous mess, there's no coherent flow to it. But most importantly, it's devoid of Query ingredients that usually come in the sophomore paragraph. I'm talking about stakes. I haven't read your story but I'm thinking it has something to do with how things will go bad for her if she comes out. Another ingredient is the choice Taylor has to make. I guess you could whittle down everything to: "...if Taylor chooses to come out, she might lose her friends." This isn't perfect, but you get the idea.

 

Also, I suggest you ditch mentioning Christian. I know she's an important part of the story, but it's Taylor's story and the focus should be on her, and Sara, since she's her love interest.

 

Taylor must navigate all of the feels that come with being in love and coming out. There's nothing like announcing you’re not currently heterosexually inclined, even if you don’t know how you identify yet, to show you who your true friends are. Sara seems to have it all figured out, but Taylor isn’t sure where she fits as she explores the world of gender fluidity, pansexuality, and polyamory. When Christian faces a crisis based on her identity as a transgirl, they all realize that it's not how we identify, but who we are underneath it all that matters.

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and CRANK. This alternative format Young Adult/New Adult coming of age story is told through journal entries and poems by Taylor, alternating character perspectives, and social media/text messages.

 

As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!

Your narrative technique involving the use of poems and entries and texts is intringuing. Hope this helps! Take the time to review mine: 

http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-3



#35 Lauraburns22

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 02:05 PM

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out - why her friend, Christian, is acting so strangely and how to stop her crazy anxiety. As if that weren't enough, stupidly attractive and super confident Sara introduces her to the full flavor of the LGBTQIA alphabet soup. Now the only thing Taylor has figured out is that she’s in love with this girl.

 

As Taylor navigates all of the feels of falling in love, Sara teaches her the vocabulary of queerness and a couple other things along the way. But unlike her beautiful, amazing girlfriend, Taylor isn’t sure what her identity is. Does dating guys make her bi? Can she be demiromantic and pansexual but call herself queer? It’s enough to give anybody a panic attack, but when Christian faces a crisis because she's trans, Sara and Taylor learn the true definition of queer family.

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and CRANK. As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

 

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!

 



#36 Sataris

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 05:22 PM

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out - why her friend, Christian, is acting so strangely and how to stop her crazy anxiety whose anxiety? The sentence structure here implies that it's Christian's anxiety, but I fell like you mean Taylor is anxious. As if that weren't enough, stupidly attractive and super confident Sara introduces her (Taylor?) to the full flavor of the LGBTQIA alphabet soup. Now the only thing Taylor has figured out is that she’s in love with this (sara?) girl.

 

I think it's going to be hard to introduce three different women in one paragraph; it's hard to place who you're referring to with all the hers and so on. Maybe add in a few more names for specificity, or possibly see if you can restructure to introduce someone in the second paragraph? Maybe Sara?

 

As Taylor navigates all of the feels of falling in love, Sara teaches her the vocabulary of queerness and a couple other things along the way We already know Taylor loves her, and that Sara is teaching her the vocabulary from the previous paragraph But unlike her beautiful, amazing girlfriend calling her both beautiful and attractive is maybe a bit redundant, and saying she's amazing doesn't give us much to picture her with. I liked confident a lot better - it sets her apart from the other characters quite well. Is there a way you could describe her looks that's more concrete? and maybe a quick line about how she makes everything seem effortless to play up the confidence/dissonance angle? Taylor isn’t sure what her identity is. Does dating guys make her bi? Can she be demiromantic and pansexual but call herself queer? It’s enough to give anybody a panic attack, but when Christian faces a crisis because she's trans, Sara and Taylor learn the true definition of queer family.

 

This seems to be the hook here, which everything builds up to. Would it be possible to restructure the query to start with that so that we aren't wondering what's at stake until we get to the very end? A friend in crisis is a good point to anchor a story around, but I'm worried that an agent might stop reading before they get to the hook if it's buried at the end.

 

There's also a good amount of detail about sara in here, but it seems like we'd be better off knowing about Christian, since she's the one whom the conflict revolves around. Right now she's mentioned in the first line, then the next time we hear about her is in the last line.

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and CRANK. As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

 

Might also be worth mentioning how your job has allowed you to spend a ton of time around your target audience?

 

Good luck!


No current query!


#37 margoo77

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 05:51 PM

 

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out.- Why is her friend Christian acting so strangely, and how can Taylor stop her crazy anxiety? As if that weren't enough, stupidly attractive and super confident Sara introduces her to the full flavors of the LGBTQIA alphabet soup. Now the only thing Taylor has figured out is that she’s in love with this girl Sara.

 

As Taylor navigates all of the feels of falling in love, Sara teaches her the vocabulary of queerness and a couple other things along the way. But unlike her beautiful, amazing girlfriend, Taylor isn’t sure what her identity is. Does dating guys make her bi? Can she be demiromantic and pansexual but call herself queer? It’s enough to give anybody a panic attack. When Christian faces a crisis because she's trans (does Taylor know that Christian is trans at this point?), Sara and Taylor learn the true definition of queer family.

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MINDCRANK, and I'LL GIVE YOU THE SUN. As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

 

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!

 

 

Hope my notes help. Good luck on your querying! 



#38 lionspaws

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 06:27 PM

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out - why her friend, Christian, is acting so strangely and how to stop her crazy anxiety. I like this hook. Her means Taylor, right? Confusing because you just talked about Christian. Also, what is Christian doing specifically that is strange? As if that weren't enough, stupidly attractive and super confident Sara new girl in town? best friend? introduces her to the full flavor of the LGBTQIA alphabet soup. Now the only thing Taylor has figured out is that But one thing Taylor knows: she’s in love with this girl. 

 

As Taylor navigates all of the feels of falling in love, Sara teaches her the vocabulary vocabulary is a very passive word... the "world of" maybe? of queerness and a couple other things along the way. But unlike her beautiful, amazing girlfriend, Taylor isn’t sure what her identity is. Does dating guys make her bi? Can she be demiromantic and pansexual but call herself queer? It’s enough to give anybody a panic attack, but when Christian faces a crisis because she's trans, Sara and Taylor learn the true definition of queer family.

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MIND and CRANK. As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was. Personally I would just say that you are an English teacher -- I think keeping it concise and clear is generally a better approach. But I could be wrong! 

 

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!

 

I can tell this is a very personal topic for you, and one you can write about from experience, which always gives a lot of depth and dynamic to writing! I was just confused about the plot. It seems to be just that she meets Sara and they date, as Taylor explores being queer. This is also a very short query. I would suggest reading through some successful queries that demonstrate the typical three paragraph format. You could delve more into Taylor's anxiety and Christian's strange behavior... set the stage and stakes a little more. 

 

I'd appreciate your thoughts on my query for "To Sail The Stars!" 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#39 rccallahan

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 05:12 AM

Hello! 

 

Thank you so much for your feedback!  I hope my thoughts are as helpful to you as yours were to me.  

 

6/15 - latest version. Thanks for all the feedback. Please post your query link, and I will review it!

 

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out - why her friend, Christian, is acting so strangely and how to stop her crazy anxiety (I feel like you have a little more room for one more thing here.  Not that anxiety isn't a b**** because it totally is, but there's something... missing?). As if that weren't enough, stupidly attractive and super confident Sara introduces her to the full flavor of the LGBTQIA alphabet soup(I<3 this). Now the only thing Taylor has figured out is that she’s in love with this girl (I don't know if you meant it this way, but I feel like there's this surrendered frustration in the voice here and I love it).

 

As Taylor navigates all of the feels of falling in love, Sara teaches her the vocabulary of queerness and a couple other things along the way. But unlike her beautiful, amazing girlfriend, Taylor isn’t sure what her identity is. Does dating guys make her bi? Can she be demiromantic and pansexual but call herself queer? It’s enough to give anybody a panic attack, but when Christian faces a crisis because she's trans, Sara and Taylor learn the true definition of queer family. (Wait... who is trans, Christian or Taylor?  Either way, it's a bomb drop that needs some more lead up)

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MINDCRANK, and I'LL GIVE YOU THE SUN. As an English teacher, (Quasi-related: I'm an English teacher too!  And I also wish my kids had more of these novels to help validate them! GO YOU!) I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

 

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!

 

Over all:  I am filled with lots of warm fuzzies about this story.  I think it just needs a little bit of clarification in some places.  Best of Luck!



#40 trailerbride

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 11:48 AM

6/15 - latest version. Thanks for all the feedback. Please post your query link, and I will review it!

 

Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out - why her friend, Christian, is acting so strangely and how to stop her crazy anxiety.

 

I think this might read better if you went with something like: Seventeen year old Taylor has a lot to figure out. Her own anxiety is driving her crazy, and Christian is getting weirder by the day.

 

As if that weren't enough, stupidly attractive and super confident Sara introduces her to the full flavor of the LGBTQIA alphabet soup. Now the only thing Taylor has figured out  knows for sure is that she’s in love with this girl.

 

As Taylor navigates all of the feels of falling in love, Sara teaches her the vocabulary of queerness and a couple other things along the way.

 

I wonder if you are hamstringing yourself by sticking to certain "buzzword" phrases? I get that one of the points of your book is that we can't always find the right words to use when we're discussing sexuality, but you still need your query to sing. Maybe something more like:

 

As Taylor navigates all the feels of first romance, Sara teaches her the lexicon of love and the semantics of queer.

 

 

But unlike her beautiful, amazing girlfriend, You've already called her stupidly attractive and super confident.

 

Taylor isn’t sure what her identity is. Maybe just who she is?

 

 

Does dating guys make her bi? Can she be demiromantic and pansexual but call herself queer? (Yes!) It’s enough to give anybody anyone a panic attack, but when Christian faces a crisis because she's trans, Sara and Taylor learn the true definition of queer family.

 

I would like to know a little more about Christian's crisis. Whatever it is--bullying, parents, self-doubt, self-loathing, suicidal tendencies, the effing bathroom law--spending a few words to describe it would add depth and richness to this query.

 

 

 

NOT ENOUGH WORDS is complete at 58,000 words, and it will appeal to lovers of ANNIE ON MY MINDCRANK, and I'LL GIVE YOU THE SUN. As an English teacher, I've always wished there were more LGBTQIA novels for my students to read. I decided to write one myself drawing from my experience of growing up in Indiana wondering if all the other girls were just as attracted to women as I was.

 

Per your submissions guidelines, the first ten pages of the manuscript are included below. Thank you for your time!






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