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Hook: The Personal Account of Darius Carlyle


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#1 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 06 December 2016 - 11:33 AM

So since this is the APPROPRIATE forum for this, please critique:

Told through his personal journals, letters & notebooks, Darius Carlyle is a 200 year-old mystical werewolf hunter who recounts his investigation into the five gruesome murders attributed to the infamous "Jack the Ripper." But when tragedy strikes & Darius's wife is afflicted with lycanthropy, Darius begins a frantic & seemingly futile quest for a cure, despite having been told all his life that there is none. Driven to the brink of madness, Darius's desperate search for answers will eventually force him to answer one question:

To truly kill evil, do you have the strength to break your own heart?

FYI: the novel is a New Adult dark fantasy/horror epistolary novel

#2 Nonicks

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Posted 30 December 2016 - 02:39 PM

I'd say your first sentence is too long. Why do you need to mention the journals etc? I'd go with: Darius Carlyle is a 200 year-old mystical werewolf hunter who recounts his investigation into the five gruesome murders attributed to the infamous "Jack the Ripper."



#3 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 30 December 2016 - 03:09 PM

Thanks for the feedback (I get lost in adjectives sometimes haha, good on you for pointing that out)...the story is told through his journals, so I felt it was worth mentioning.

#4 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 30 December 2016 - 04:19 PM

Updated:

Darius Carlyle is a 200 year-old mystical werewolf hunter chronicling his investigation into the murders committed by the infamous "Jack the Ripper."

But when Darius's own wife is afflicted with lycanthropy he begins a frantic & seemingly futile quest for a cure, despite having been told all his life that there is none. Driven to the brink of madness, Darius will be forced to answer one impossible question:

To truly kill evil, do you have the strength to break your own heart?

#5 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 11 January 2017 - 03:37 PM

A friend helped me work on an elevator pitch:

THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE

A mystical Victorian-era werewolf hunter records his life & investigation into the Jack the Ripper murders. When he crosses paths with an ancient werewolf and his wife is afflicted with lycanthropy, he begins a desperate search for a cure that may not exist.


Thoughts?

#6 Testome

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Posted 11 January 2017 - 07:43 PM

A mystical Victorian-era werewolf hunter records his life & investigation into the Jack the Ripper murders. When he crosses paths with an ancient werewolf and his wife is afflicted with lycanthropy, he begins a desperate search for a cure that may not exist.
 

I felt like that bit of info could be saved for the actual query. It seemed to just take up space in a hook. 



#7 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 12:03 PM

So something like...

"When a Victorian-era werewolf hunter's wife is cursed with lycanthropy after crossing paths with an ancient werewolf, Darius Carlyle records his desperate search for a cure that may not exist."

#8 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 03:36 PM

OR....

"While investigating the Jack the Ripper murders, Victorian-era werewolf hunter Darius Carlyle crosses paths with an ancient werewolf and his wife is afflicted with lycanthropy; these journals record his desperate search for a cure that may not exist."

#9 Testome

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Posted 13 January 2017 - 02:17 AM

Is this a retelling of the Jack the Ripper story?! If so, I would go with the second one. 



#10 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 13 January 2017 - 01:44 PM

It's a crucial plot point in the story, yes—and it helps sell the book to layreaders haha

#11 Niambi

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Posted 14 January 2017 - 06:22 AM

They are all too wordy. Just way too many words. You have to cut down on the descriptors and just hit the main points that will hook the reader and/or the agent.

Why should we read the book?

#12 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 14 January 2017 - 02:02 PM

Hmm...

On the trail of Jack the Ripper, Darius Carlyle crosses paths with an ancient werewolf, and his wife Kate is turned. These journals recount his desperate search for a way to save the love of his life, before he is forced to kill the monster she has become...

Still too wordy?

#13 suja

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Posted 15 January 2017 - 12:45 AM

Hi, 

you could take out extraneous information and names and keep to specifics. 

how is the MC - A werewolf hunter

Inciting event- he encounters an ancient werewolf and his wife is turned.

his choices - find a cure that's non-existent or kill the one thing he cares for most in this world.

Now combine them all. Best of luck! Please take a look at my hook if you have time. Thanks. 



#14 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 17 January 2017 - 12:02 PM

Just a doodle:

At 200 years old, Darius Carlyle thought he had seen it all; that is, until he took on the Ripper case. After crossing paths with an ancient werewolf, he will be forced to answer one question:

"To save your love, are you strong enough to break your own heart?"

Hail Cain.


Again, just a doodle.

#15 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 01:16 AM

NEW HOOK! NEW HOOK!

Also the new opening line of my query letter:

A grim reflection on a life of damned love, ancient werewolves, Jack the Ripper, and black magic is told through the journals of a mystical Victorian-era werewolf hunter.

#16 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 01:35 AM

NEW HOOK! NEW HOOK!

Also the new opening line of my query letter:

A grim tale of damned love, Jack the Ripper, black magic and ancient werewolves is told through the journals of a mystical Victorian-era werewolf hunter.



#17 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 06:09 AM

How about this? :)

 

 

NEW HOOK! NEW HOOK!

Also the new opening line of my query letter:

A grim tale of damned love, Jack the Ripper, black magic and ancient werewolves, (comma) is told through the Victorian-era journals of a mystical Victorian-era werewolf hunter.

 



#18 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 06:11 AM

Or this -

 

NEW HOOK! NEW HOOK!

Also the new opening line of my query letter:

A grim tale of damned love, Jack the Ripper, black magic and ancient werewolves, (comma) is told through the journals of a mystical Victorian-era werewolf hunter in the Victorian-era



#19 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 09:31 AM

A grim account of damned love, Jack the Ripper, black magic and ancient werewolves, told through the journals of a mystical Victorian werewolf hunter.

I dig it :)

#20 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 06:43 PM

OH MY GOD!!

Firsthand accounts of ancient werewolves, Jack the Ripper, black magic and damned love ebb and flow through the journals of a mystical werewolf hunter in Victorian England.




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