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The Last Deception (mystery suspense) new version post #113


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#101 John_Angel

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Posted 05 January 2017 - 12:12 AM

 

Another version. Pretty much the same thing, but I combined some elements with an older version. Hope it's closer, wanna get this book out. Thanks again to all advice and help.

 

 

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman has a reputation for his keen instinct: he’s never on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991.

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men. When the grieving wives receive letters from their husbands saying they left for other women, Eric questions whether the men are alive or dead. As his rigorous, obsessive investigation turns up nothing, his bosses shut down the case due to a lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is unwillingly forced to retire, leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing young man. Eric comes out of retirement to lend a hand with a chance to solve the riddle, but this time he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three missing men, along with a link to all of them: a mistress, Kaitlin Donovan. I agree with the above statement that you should cut this name out. I think the query can work just fine without it

Determined to finish what he started, Eric grills Kaitlin about the affairs. Instead, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to Eric’s and his cousin’s this case. Convinced of his guilt, Eric is driven on taking down the author, but makes a disturbing discovery that exonerates him, and turns his attention back to Kaitlin. Questioning why everyone around Kaitlin ends up dead, Eric’s is hellbent on putting an end to the mystery that has eluded him for years before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web. I was trying to make some suggestions of how to cut this paragraph down, but I'm finding it quite hard without knowing what is absolutely the most important information that should be included. I really do think you'll be good to go if you cut down the wordiness of these sentences though
 

 

Thank you for your advice, really appreciate it. Will go back and make corrections. Was told the name of the mistress wasn't a good idea. Don't know why I put it back in LOL. Maybe a brain fart. Thanks again.



#102 Tanja

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Posted 05 January 2017 - 04:16 AM

Really good now. tiny things.

 

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman has a reputation for his keen instinct: he’s never on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991.

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men. When the grieving wives receive letters from their husbands saying they left for other women, Eric questions whether the men are alive or dead. As his rigorous, obsessive investigation turns up nothing, his bosses shut down the case due to a lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is unwillingly forced to retire, leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing young man. Eric comes out of retirement to lend a hand with a chance to solve the riddle Somebody suggested once using "for a change at solving the riddle" I think it was stronger than "lending a hand", but this time he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three missing men, along with a link to all of them: a mistress, Kaitlin Donovan. This is spot on. It's debatable about using her name or not. If you don't, it means you'll have to repeat "the mistress" in the last para. I think it's up to your taste.

Determined to finish what he started, Eric grills Kaitlin about the affairs. Instead, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling great word similarities to Eric’s and his cousin’s case. Convinced of his guilt,  I agree with danipie. not needed. Eric is driven on taking down the author, but makes a disturbing discovery that exonerates him, and turns his attention back to Kaitlin. Questioning why everyone around Kaitlin ends up dead, Eric’s is hellbent on putting an end to the mystery that has eluded him for years before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web.

 

I'm trying to cut down the last bit a little. It's the only part that still seems a little bit out of whack as there is too much telling and it's too wordy: During his vigorous interrogation, Eric learn she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to Eric's and his cousin's case. Determined to finish what he started, Eric is hellbent to take down to author, but one wrong move could trap someone else in the killer's deadly web.

 

I was just playing around here but I think there is a lot not needed in the last para. And I think that turning the attention back to Kaitlin might give away too much. I'm guessing here since I don't know the story.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#103 dragoness

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Posted 05 January 2017 - 05:52 AM

I think you query is excellent  :Woah!: , but the end is too long and partly redundant.

 

Maybe you can change it this way:

 

 

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman has a reputation for his keen instinct: he’s never on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991.

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men. When the grieving wives receive letters from their husbands saying they left for other women, Eric questions whether the men are alive or dead. As his rigorous, obsessive investigation turns up nothing, his bosses shut down the case due to a lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is unwillingly forced to retire, leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing young man. Eric comes out of retirement to lend a hand with a chance to solve the riddle, but this time he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three missing men, along with a link to all of them: a mistress, Kaitlin Donovan. Determined to finish what he started, Eric grills Kaitlin about the affairs. Instead, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to Eric’s and his cousin’s case. Convinced of his guilt, Eric is driven on taking down the author, but makes a disturbing discovery that exonerates him, and turns his attention back to Kaitlin. Questioning why everyone around Kaitlin ends up dead, Eric is hellbent on putting an end to the mystery that has eluded him for years, before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web.
 

 

Good Luck  :smile: !



#104 John_Angel

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Posted 05 January 2017 - 07:23 AM

Thank you dragoness, jphollis, danipie, and of course, Tanja, for all of your help and suggestions. I think I may have it, but won't know until I get some more feedback. Thanks again.

 

 

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman has a reputation for his keen instinct: he’s never on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991.

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men. When the grieving wives receive letters from their husbands saying they left for other women, Eric questions whether the men are alive or dead. When his obsessive investigation turns up nothing, his bosses shut down the case due to a lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is unwillingly forced to retire, leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing young man. Eric comes out of retirement for a chance to solve the riddle, but this time, he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three missing men, along with a link to all of them: they were involved with the same mistress.

As Eric grills the woman for answers, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to the two missing husband cases. Hellbent on taking down the author, Eric is determined to finish what he started before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web.



#105 jphollis

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Posted 05 January 2017 - 06:16 PM

Thank you dragoness, jphollis, danipie, and of course, Tanja, for all of your help and suggestions. I think I may have it, but won't know until I get some more feedback. Thanks again.

 

 

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman has a reputation for his keen instinct: he’s never on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991. (I keep thinking this could be shorter by losing  'has a reputation for his keen instict', but maybe that's important. But just try saying it with those words erased and see if you like the feel of them better. I just think the hook should always be as short as possible, but not shorter.)

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men. When the grieving wives receive letters from their husbands saying they left for other women, Eric questions whether the men are alive or dead (is there a better way to say 'dead or alive'? Maybe 'questions their whereabouts'? I Don't like that much better either, but something a little snappier might work well here). When his obsessive investigation turns up nothing, his bosses shut down the case due to a lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is unwillingly forced to retire, leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing young man. (this is the third time you've said 'man' or 'men'. Not sure how to avoid this repetition, but I know in my own queries that my eyes sometimes slide over repeated words so I wanted to make sure you were aware of this.) Eric comes out of retirement for a chance to solve the riddle, but this time, he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three missing men, along with a link to all of them: they were involved with the same mistress. (Do not like this: 'they were all involved with the same mistress.' Is it possible to shorten this? Maybe just 'the same mistress'? I mean, being involved is sort of inferred, right?)

As Eric grills the woman for answers, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to the two missing husband cases. Hellbent on taking down the author, Eric is determined to finish what he started before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web. (Awesome.)

So, so much better. It's shorter and more to the point. The notes I made are just my own personal reflections on how I would tighten some sentences, but they are purely subjective, so take what works for you and ignore the rest.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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#106 Tanja

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Posted 06 January 2017 - 03:05 AM

I think you're pretty much there. I did read jphollis comments and yes, there is a lot of men repetition, but it's also hard to avoid in this query. But I'll write a few words behind that might work. I'll put them in brackets

 

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman has a reputation for his keen instinct: he’s never on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991. I like the hook. I think it says a lot about Eric

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men (husbands. When the grieving wives receive letters from their husbands (loved ones) saying they left for other women, Eric questions whether the men are alive or dead. When his obsessive investigation turns up nothing, his bosses shut down the case due to a the lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is unwillingly forced since he is forced, it is unwillingly to retire, leaving the case cold. I just stumbled over something. I marked it in green. Two sentences are starting with WHEN. Plus, you could also shorten the second sentence slightly. Suggestion: Eric delves into the disappearance of the two husbands, but when the grieving wives receive letters saying their loved ones left for another women, Eric questions whether the men are alive or dead. His obsessive investigation turning up nothing, his bosses shut down the case due to the lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is forced to retire, unwillingly leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing young man. Eric comes out of retirement for a chance to solve the riddle, but this time, he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three missing men, along with a link to all of them: they were involved with the same mistress. "Missing is another repeated word. Maybe you could use "unaccounted for" at one stage. Or abducted.

As Eric grills the woman for answers, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to the two missing husband cases. Hellbent on taking down the author, Eric is determined to finish what he started before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web. Great. L

 

This is pretty much there. It's the repetition of words. Missing and Men/Man. That's the only thing that needs cleaning up. The rest is great. I love it. Great job


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#107 John_Angel

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Posted 06 January 2017 - 07:40 AM

Thank you jphollis and Tanja for your help yet again. I made some different changes based on both your suggestions. See if they work. I know there are some words repeated, but at this point, it might be unavoidable. Hope it's closer. Thanks again.

 

 

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman’s keen instinct has never been on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991.

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men, but when letters arrive to the grieving wives saying their spouses left for other women, Eric questions the validity of their vanishing. As his obsessive investigation turns up nothing, Eric’s bosses shut down the case due to the lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is forced to retire, unwillingly leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing husband. Eric comes out of retirement for a chance to solve the riddle, but this time, he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three men, along with a possible clue to their deaths—they all had the same mistress.

As Eric grills the woman for answers, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to the two abducted husband cases. Hellbent on taking down the author, Eric is determined to finish what he started before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web.



#108 Tanja

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Posted 06 January 2017 - 08:00 AM

This is it!!! At least for me. I think it's short, snappy, to the point. Like a thriller query should be. I think it's great. Of course there will be different opinions and you could go on and on changing it. But in my opinion it's great. Nothing I can add at this point. Congrats. Good work


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#109 John_Angel

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Posted 06 January 2017 - 08:07 AM

This is it!!! At least for me. I think it's short, snappy, to the point. Like a thriller query should be. I think it's great. Of course there will be different opinions and you could go on and on changing it. But in my opinion it's great. Nothing I can add at this point. Congrats. Good work

Thanks, sweetie!! You've been a tremendous help in all of it. Couldn't have done it without you, or gotten this far. Just hope others like it as well. Gotta get dmsimone's opinion on this, she's been a big help.



#110 John_Angel

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Posted 07 January 2017 - 12:36 PM

Here is what I feel is the completed version of my query. I want to thank very much for all of you who helped me get this far.

 

 

Dear Agent,

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman’s keen instinct has never been on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991.

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men, but when letters arrive to the grieving wives saying their spouses left for other women, Eric questions the validity of their vanishing. As his obsessive investigation turns up nothing, Eric’s bosses shut down the case due to the lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is forced to retire, unwillingly leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing husband. Eric comes out of retirement for a chance to solve the riddle, but this time, he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three men, along with a possible clue to their deaths—they all had the same mistress.

As Eric grills the woman for answers, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to the two abducted husband cases. Hellbent on taking down the author, Eric is determined to finish what he started before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web.

The Last Deception is a mystery suspense novel completed at 115,000 words. It will appeal to fans of James Patterson’s Alex Cross novels and Michael Connelly’s Harry Bosch novels.

I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
John Angel



#111 MonaLon

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Posted 07 January 2017 - 02:13 PM

Dear Agent,

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman’s keen instinct has never been on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991. Excellent.

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men, but when letters arrive to the grieving wives saying their spouses left for other women, Eric questions the validity of their vanishing. It's great that you jump right into the triggering event. As his obsessive investigation turns up nothing, Eric’s bosses shut down the case due to the lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is forced to retire, unwillingly leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing husband. Eric comes out of retirement for a chance to solve the riddle, but this time, he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three men, along with a possible clue to their deaths—they all had the same mistress.

As Eric grills the woman for answers, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to the two abducted husband cases. Hellbent on taking down the author, Eric is determined to finish what he started before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web. Honestly great. You've given us the stakes, goals, and conflict. And it ends strongly.

The Last Deception is a mystery suspense novel completed at 115,000 words. It will appeal to fans of James Patterson’s Alex Cross novels and Michael Connelly’s Harry Bosch novels.

I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
John Angel

 

Really man, I know you said you're finished with this but I just wanted to add in my support. This reads very well in my opinion, and I wish you the best of luck!



#112 John_Angel

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Posted 07 January 2017 - 07:16 PM

Really man, I know you said you're finished with this but I just wanted to add in my support. This reads very well in my opinion, and I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you very much!! Once I'm done proof reading my book for the third time LOL, this is the letter I'm using.



#113 John_Angel

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 01:58 AM

Having a little dilemma here. I've been writing for over twenty years, some poetry, short stories and screenplays, but nothing published, except my first full length book on Amazon 4 years ago. Ho do I convey in the letter my writing experience to agents when they ask for it? I see some on here just starting out, but have some awards for writing or have some works of theirs published in magazines, but are still looking for an agent. I am pretty much just starting out myself, but need a little help of what to say to agents. Do I be honest and say I have no writing experience? Or just tell them I have experience but have yet to be published?

 

Any advice would be greatly helpful and appreciated. Thank you...

 

 

Dear Agent,

NYPD Detective Eric Spellman’s keen instinct has never been on the wrong side of an investigation—until 1991.

Eric delves into the disappearance of two men, but when letters arrive to the grieving wives saying their spouses left for other women, Eric questions the validity of their vanishing. As his obsessive investigation turns up nothing, Eric’s bosses shut down the case due to the lack of evidence. At his wits end, Eric is forced to retire, unwillingly leaving the case cold.

Ten years later, Eric’s cousin on the force is critically wounded hot on the trail of another missing husband. Eric comes out of retirement for a chance to solve the riddle, but this time, he has a head start. His cousin found the grisly remains of the three men, along with a possible clue to their deaths—they all had the same mistress.

As Eric grills the woman for answers, he learns she has a famous friend—a renowned author who wrote a short story with chilling similarities to the two abducted husband cases. Hellbent on taking down the author, Eric is determined to finish what he started before someone else is trapped in the killer’s deadly web.

The Last Deception is a mystery suspense novel completed at 115,000 words. It will appeal to fans of James Patterson’s Alex Cross novels and Michael Connelly’s Harry Bosch novels.

I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
John Angel



#114 jphollis

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 02:28 AM

Just wanted to chime in and say your query letter looks great. I don't think any of us can really feel like we're finished with our queries, but I think you've taken this one plenty far enough to make it stand out. I can't think of any more advice to give, none of us can, so that should say enough.

 

As to how you should convey your writing experience, I would simply say don't. I've read in several places that, for fiction at least, a short biography isn't really necessary in a query letter if you have no publishing experiences or awards to speak of. I feel like saying, in my case, "This is my sixth completed novel," for example, would simply reek of being pitiful. I mean, six manuscripts and still no agent? Yeah, doesn't come across as experienced, but more as lacking skill.

 

So I say skip the biography. Your query is strong enough as it is now. If the agent is interested in you, the description of your novel is what's going to grab them, not a history lesson on your unpublished writing experience.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

______________________

 

My Blog: jphollis.com


#115 dragoness

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 05:11 AM

As much as I understand, the only relevant info here is the book you sell on Amazon, and only if it sells a lot (thousands of copies on several weeks period, or tens of thousands total). Otherwise, just say nothing about it.






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