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The Queen of Gosnter Synopsis (Fantasy)


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#1 MonaLon

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Posted 31 December 2016 - 03:18 PM

Hey guys, now I know that this synopsis is a mess and too long, but I don't know what else I should change to make it work. I really need some feedback here. Thanks!
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In a final attempt to prevent her parents from murdering the Queen and taking the throne, twenty-seven year old shopkeeper TINUKA DAYO returns to her home city of Jolid to destroy the Key. The Key is a magical artifact, the last existing record of the Dayos’ royal lineage, and the family bloodsorcerer ILGI is the only woman capable of destroying it.
 
Before Tinuka can convince Ilgi to betray the family, she learns that hellwalkers -- miners who extract ore from hell itself -- have destroyed her store while she was abroad. She vows to find the hellwalkers responsible and make them pay, after she’s done with the Key business.
 
Meanwhile, QUEEN KRIN’s bloodsorcerer MONALON becomes possessed by a spirit, who warns the Queen of the exiled Dayo family regaining the Key. This is the first time that a spirit has reached out to the people of Gosnter in over forty years, and it doesn’t seem like they’re just here to talk. Before exiting Monalon, The spirit promises to deal with the Dayos with any force necessary.
 
After Tinuka trusts Ilgi with the Key, the bloodsorcerer betrays her. She hands the Key over to Tinuka’s parents since she prefers such a powerful object to be in more mature hands. With hope that this move will prevent any infighting, Ilgi tries to avoid Tinuka.
 
In a fit of drunken rage Tinuka confronts her parents over collaborating with Ilgi behind her back and stealing the Key. She makes an ultimatum: the Key or death. Before any of them can move, Tinuka’s mother falls to the ground in a pool of blood. A demon -- the same demon the Dayos used to massacre almost half of the royal court forty years ago -- manifests within their house. In the chaos, Tinuka’s father OKUN DAYO stabs her with a spear before he escapes into Jolid with the Key. Ilgi and KINADE -- Ilgi’s student and Tinuka’s employee -- save her before the demon strikes.
 
After banishing the demon Ilgi confronts her old rival Monalon over the attack, believing that only he would be capable of summoning such a powerful entity. She promises to ruin his life like she should have done decades ago.
 
To prevent rioting after the demon attack the Queen sends her soldiers to patrol Jolid’s streets, and Tinuka grows paranoid from the increased security as she recovers from Okun’s stabbing. She employs WILLIAM and DANE, two foreign men known throughout the slums of Jolid for working with hellwalkers and wielding a type of gun never seen in the empire. They appeared in the city only a month ago and people already whispered their names. William and Dane become Tinuka’s new bodyguards.
 
Unknown to father and daughter, Okun’s bodyguard knows William and Dane. Okun threatens to end the Queen’s life within the week, which pushes the bodyguard over the edge. She takes the Key for herself and hands it over to William and Dane. Using it for the Queen’s death is unacceptable, but so is destroying such an integral part of the empire’s history. The three keep it for themselves until they can figure out a solution.
 
Realizing that she might never regain the Key, Tinuka refocuses all of her efforts towards repairing her store. William learns of who destroyed it and tells her. Without hesitation, Tinuka demands a confrontation with the hellwalker that very night. She is desperate to regain some scrap of dignity.
 
Though William tries to protect her, the fight that ensues results in Tinuka’s death. Ilgi finds William hovering over Tinuka’s corpse and assumes the worst. He flees the scene with Dane, and they act on Tinuka’s last order: kill the hellwalker who destroyed her store. They slit his throat and attempt to give Okun back the Key so that they have no further ties with the Dayo bloodline. They find Okun in the depths of hell, losing his sanity as he searches for the Key that William and Dane stole. Before they can return it, another spirit kills Okun and takes the Key for itself. William and Dane leave Jolid for good.
 
On the same night of Tinuka’s death, the Queen is murdered by her own husband, one of Okun’s collaborators. Monalon barely escapes the mutiny and accuses Ilgi collaborating with the Dayos to kill the Queen. He wants to murder Ilgi before he leaves the empire for good. Monalon doesn’t kill her in the end, because he pities her. Regardless, Ilgi sacrifices herself to the rituals she swore to protect in her state of severe fatigue. In the epilogue, it is revealed that Kinade takes on her responsibilities.


#2 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 07 January 2017 - 05:07 PM

Here are my thoughts:

 

In a final attempt to prevent her parents from murdering the Queen and taking the throne, twenty-seven year old shopkeeper TINUKA DAYO returns to her home city of Jolid to destroy the Key. The Key is a magical artifact, the last existing record of the Dayos’ royal lineage, and the family bloodsorcerer ILGI is the only woman capable of destroying it. Exciting opening sentence! But rather than background on the Key, I'm much more interested in knowing why Tinuka's parents want to kill the Queen and why she disagrees. Betraying your own family is a big deal--what brought her to this point?
 
Before Tinuka can convince Ilgi to betray the family, she learns that hellwalkers -- miners who extract ore from hell itself -- have destroyed her store while she was abroad. Cool name. Why did the hellwakers destroy a normal person's store? She vows to find the hellwalkers responsible and make them pay, after she’s done with the Key business.
 
Meanwhile, QUEEN KRIN’s bloodsorcerer MONALON becomes possessed by a spirit, who warns the Queen of the exiled Dayo family regaining the Key. This is the first time that a spirit has reached out to the people of Gosnter in over forty years, and it doesn’t seem like they’re just here to talk. Before exiting Monalon, the spirit promises to deal with the Dayos with any force necessary.
 
After Tinuka trusts Ilgi with the Key, the bloodsorcerer betrays her. She hands the Key over to Tinuka’s parents since she prefers such a powerful object to be in more mature hands. Seems like a weak motive since the Key means life or death for the Queen, a much bigger issue than the maturity of who has it. With hope that this move will prevent any infighting, Ilgi tries to avoid Tinuka.
 
In a fit of drunken rage Tinuka confronts her parents over collaborating with Ilgi behind her back and stealing the Key. She makes an ultimatum: the Key or death. Before any of them can move, Tinuka’s mother falls to the ground in a pool of blood. A demon -- the same demon the Dayos used to massacre almost half of the royal court forty years ago -- manifests within their house. In the chaos, Tinuka’s father OKUN DAYO stabs her with a spear before he escapes into Jolid with the Key. Ilgi and KINADE -- Ilgi’s student and Tinuka’s employee -- save her before the demon strikes.
 
After banishing the demon Ilgi confronts her old rival Monalon over the attack, believing that only he would be capable of summoning such a powerful entity. She promises to ruin his life like she should have done decades ago.
 
To prevent rioting after the demon attack the Queen sends her soldiers to patrol Jolid’s streets, and Tinuka grows paranoid from the increased security as she recovers from Okun’s stabbing. She employs WILLIAM and DANE as her new bodyguards, two foreign men known throughout the slums of Jolid for working with hellwalkers and wielding a type of gun never seen in the empire. They appeared in the city only a month ago and people already whispered their names. William and Dane become Tinuka’s new bodyguards.
 
Unknown to father and daughter, Okun’s bodyguard knows William and Dane. Okun threatens to end the Queen’s life within the week, which pushes the bodyguard over the edge. She takes the Key for herself and hands it over to William and Dane. Why those two? Why are they keeping it a secret from Tinuka? I'm having trouble keeping track of who's on whose side. Using it for the Queen’s death is unacceptable, but so is destroying such an integral part of the empire’s history. The three keep it for themselves until they can figure out a solution.
 
Realizing that she might never regain the Key, Tinuka refocuses all of her efforts towards repairing her store. William learns of who destroyed it and tells her. Without hesitation, Tinuka demands a confrontation with the hellwalker that very night. She is desperate to regain some scrap of dignity. <--When did she lose her dignity?
 
Though William tries to protect her, the fight that ensues results in Tinuka’s death. Wait, wasn't Tinuka the main character? Who's the main character or is it more of a Game-of-Thrones situation? Ilgi finds William hovering over Tinuka’s corpse and assumes the worst. He flees the scene with Dane, and they act on Tinuka’s last order: kill the hellwalker who destroyed her store. They slit his throat and attempt to give Okun back the Key so that they have no further ties with the Dayo bloodline. They find Okun in the depths of hell, losing his sanity as he searches for the Key that William and Dane stole. Before they can return it, another spirit kills Okun and takes the Key for itself. William and Dane leave Jolid for good.
 

 

On the same night of Tinuka’s death, the Queen is murdered by her own husband, one of Okun’s collaborators. Monalon barely escapes the mutiny and accuses Ilgi collaborating with the Dayos to kill the Queen. He wants to murder Ilgi before he leaves the empire for good. Monalon doesn’t kill her in the end, because he pities her. <--This is too big a shift from him wanting to kill her last sentence. Regardless, Ilgi sacrifices herself to the rituals she swore to protect in her state of severe fatigue. In the epilogue, it is revealed that Kinade takes on her responsibilities.
 
You've clearly got a really interesting and complicated story. But for the synopsis, I think you need to cut it. I suggest getting down to only five or six characters and cutting some of the plot threads. The Queen's assassination, Tinuka's store, Monalon and Ilgi's rivalry: pick one to be the main plot. It's okay if that means glossing over important parts of your book--the synopsis doesn't have to have everything. My suggestion is to pick one person to be the main character and focus on their single storyline.
 

Hope I've helped! You can find my synopsis here.



#3 jphollis

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Posted 18 January 2017 - 07:03 PM

 

Hey guys, now I know that this synopsis is a mess and too long, but I don't know what else I should change to make it work. I really need some feedback here. Thanks!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
In a final attempt to prevent her parents from murdering the Queen and taking the throne, twenty-seven year old shopkeeper TINUKA DAYO returns to her home city of Jolid to destroy the Key. The Key is a magical artifact, the last existing record of the Dayos’ royal lineage, and the family bloodsorcerer ILGI is the only woman capable of destroying it. (I don't recommend having a 'be' verb in here. It feels too much like telling. Maybe change it to: "In a final attempt to prevent her parents from murdering the Queen and taking the throne, twenty-seven year old shopkeeper TINUKA DAYO returns to her home city of Jolid. She must destroy the Key, a magical artifact and the last existing record of the Dayos’ royal lineage. But the family bloodsorcerer ILGI is the only woman capable of destroying it." I don't know. Does that move along better?)
 
Before Tinuka can convince Ilgi to betray the family, she learns that hellwalkers -- miners who extract ore from hell itself -- have destroyed her store while she was abroad. She vows to find the hellwalkers responsible and make them pay, after she’s done with the Key business. (Do we need to know that hellwalkers are miners who extract ore from hell? Is it vital to understanding the plot here?)
 
Meanwhile, QUEEN KRIN’s bloodsorcerer MONALON becomes possessed by a spirit, (erase this comma) who warns the Queen of the exiled Dayo family regaining the Key. This is the first time that a spirit has reached out to the people of Gosnter in over forty years, and it doesn’t seem like they’re just here to talk. (Is this really necessary?) Before exiting Monalon, The spirit promises to deal with the Dayos with any force necessary.
 
After Tinuka trusts Ilgi with the Key, the bloodsorcerer betrays her. She hands the Key over to Tinuka’s parents since she prefers such a powerful object to be in more mature hands. With hope that this move will prevent any infighting, Ilgi tries to avoid Tinuka. (I think you might consider erasing these phrases.)
 
In a fit of drunken rage Tinuka confronts her parents over collaborating with Ilgi behind her back and stealing the Key. She makes an ultimatum: the Key or death (death of whom? Herself or her parents? It's not super clear here.). Before any of them can move, Tinuka’s mother falls to the ground in a pool of blood. A demon -- the same demon the Dayos used to massacre almost half of the royal court forty years ago -- manifests within their house. In the chaos, Tinuka’s father OKUN DAYO stabs her with a spear before he escapes into Jolid with the Key. Ilgi and KINADE -- Ilgi’s student and Tinuka’s employee -- save her before the demon strikes.
 
After banishing the demon Ilgi confronts her old rival Monalon over the attack, believing that only he would be capable of summoning such a powerful entity. She promises to ruin his life like she should have done decades ago. Wait, Ilgi and Monalon were rivals? Was I suppsed to know this before?)
 
To prevent rioting after the demon attack the Queen sends her soldiers to patrol Jolid’s streets, and Tinuka grows paranoid from the increased security as she recovers from Okun’s stabbing. She employs WILLIAM and DANE, two foreign men known throughout the slums of Jolid for working with hellwalkers and wielding a type of gun never seen in the empire. They appeared in the city only a month ago and people already whispered(whisper?) their names. William and Dane become Tinuka’s new bodyguards.
 
Unknown to father and daughter, Okun’s bodyguard knows William and Dane. Okun threatens to end the Queen’s life within the week, which pushes the bodyguard over the edge. She takes the Key for herself and hands it over to William and Dane. Using it for the Queen’s death is unacceptable, but so is destroying such an integral part of the empire’s history. The three keep it for themselves until they can figure out a solution. (I think you need to make it clear that these two body guards aren't giving it to Tinuka because she wants to destroy it. You alluded to this, but it would be nice if it were clearer.)
 
Realizing that she might never regain the Key, Tinuka refocuses all of her efforts towards repairing her store (So she just gives up?). William learns of who destroyed it and tells her. Without hesitation, Tinuka demands a confrontation with the hellwalker that very night. She is desperate to regain some scrap of dignity.
 
Though William tries to protect her, the fight that ensues results in Tinuka’s death (I don't get it. She went through so much before and this is what kills her?). Ilgi finds William hovering over Tinuka’s corpse and assumes the worst (Assumes the worst? She's dead. That's gotta be the worst, right?). He flees the scene with Dane, and they act on Tinuka’s last order: kill the hellwalker who destroyed her store. They slit his throat and attempt to give Okun back the Key so that they have no further ties with the Dayo bloodline. They find Okun in the depths of hell, losing his sanity as he searches for the Key that William and Dane stole. Before they can return it, another spirit kills Okun and takes the Key for itself. William and Dane leave Jolid for good.
 
On the same night of Tinuka’s death, the Queen is murdered by her own husband, one of Okun’s collaborators. Monalon barely escapes the mutiny and accuses Ilgi collaborating with the Dayos to kill the Queen. He wants to murder Ilgi before he leaves the empire for good. Monalon doesn’t kill her in the end, because he pities her. Regardless, Ilgi sacrifices herself to the rituals she swore to protect in her state of severe fatigue. In the epilogue, it is revealed that Kinade takes on her responsibilities.

 

 

For one, I feel like there were so many names to keep up with that I often lost track of who was who, what their intentions were, and where they were. In short, I had to go back and reread things just to try to understand what was going on. That's not great.

 

Also, I felt kind of disappointed at the end. I'm not the kind of guy who always needs a happily every after (though I do like them), but it feels like had Tinuka not intervened at all, the queen was still going to die. It's like she died for absolutely nothing. I finished reading and felt like, 'Oh, well. Ok. Didn't see that coming.' But not really in a good way. I'm not sure how to fix this or even if you want to. I just wanted to fill you in on what I was thinking as I was reading.

 

What you can do is simplify this synopsis. Cut out extraneous characters who aren't absolutely essential to the plot.Help me remember who everyone is. Otherwise, it's just too confusing for me to understand with one read through.


My Query: House of Ashes

My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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