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What Lurks Beneath the Bleachers (YA paranormal) (newest in #22)


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#21 jphollis

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Posted 19 January 2017 - 07:02 PM

As for the 'thin air' part, can't you just leave it at 'disappears'? That seems like enough. Or explain the circumstances in which she disappeared. Maybe 'goes missing' could work?

 

And the 'Because' at the end was just me being nitpicky. I don't think it throws anything off too much. But if you would like some recommendations, here are a few off the top of my head: 

 

One problem--if she doesn't hurry....

 

(Moving the last sentence from the paragraph above and melding them together) She'll do anything to get her back before there's nothing left of Ali to save.... (I don't love this sentence, but you get the general idea)

 

But honestly, I don't like my ideas any better than your original sentence. So if no one else is bothered by it, I'd say worry about other things.


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#22 KitCampbell

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Posted 27 January 2017 - 10:16 AM

I feel like the last query was losing its punch with too much tinkering, so I'm trying a completely different direction. Let me know what you think.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Look, sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in one. But there’s whispers haunting her, murmuring about her joining them. There’s wind that comes out of nowhere. And there’s a redheaded girl lurking around the school, but never when you look straight at her.

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara, Ali’s best friend and personal voice of reason, has too much to worry about—including avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears, Sara discovers those stories, especially the one about the school ghost, may be all too real.

 

Finally forced to believe Ali, Sara’s has to turn to the only other person who seems to have any clue what’s going on—Cecily Roberts. With limited time to save Ali, all three girls must put aside years of resentment and work toward pulling Ali back to the land of the living before her soul has been drained like dozens before her.

 

And the school ghost is free to strike again.

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#23 Jesse_DD

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Posted 31 January 2017 - 09:59 AM

The hook is great ... 100 times better than first one. And much more voice.

 

I think you can dump Sara's age. We assume she is similar age.  

 

I'll give the same advice someone gave me, which is probably good advice (hehe), is there a way to have the query all be from Ali. (I know the reasons not to, just a thought to keep me on Ali)

 

Also, the middle, after the hook, doesn't have as much voice. It is well written, but a tinge of the voice you had in hook would be good. Just a tinge. 



#24 Cdesouza

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Posted 31 January 2017 - 10:34 AM

I feel like the last query was losing its punch with too much tinkering, so I'm trying a completely different direction. Let me know what you think.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Look, sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in one. But there’s whispers haunting her, murmuring about her joining them. There’s wind that comes out of nowhere. And there’s a redheaded girl lurking around the school, but never when you look straight at her. Good, but I think this would pack more punch without the 'there's' and the gerunds. Whispers haunt her, A redheaded girl lurks...

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara, Ali’s best friend and personal voice of reason good characterization there, has too much to worry about—including avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears, Sara discovers those stories, especially the one about the school ghost, may be all too real.

 

Finally forced to believe Ali, Sara’s has to turn to the only other person who seems to have any clue what’s going on—Cecily Roberts. With limited time to save Ali, all three girls must put aside years of resentment need a bit more for this to pack some real punch - what is behind this resentment? and work toward pulling Ali back to the land of the living before her soul has been drained like dozens before her.

 

And the school ghost is free to strike again.

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hi,I'm seeing this with fresh eyes, and thanks for your critique of my own query.

 

The biggest problem with this query is that the main character is unclear. Since it opened with Ali, I assumed it was Ali, but then the remainder appears to be from Sara's POV. I'd suggest sticking to one POV for this (whoever takes the most action/has the most at stake), and a little more about the conflict the three girls have to contend with in order to save Ali - something more specific in terms of what is behind their original conflict or rivalry, and what they have to do to get Ali back.



#25 Melissa Haegert

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Posted 31 January 2017 - 12:12 PM

Hello!

 

Let me have it. I can take it. ::cringes::

 

------

 

17-year-old Sara doesn't have time for the paranormal. She's got to live up to her parents' expectations, not look like an idiot in front of her crush, and avoid attracting the attention of her archnemesis Cecily Roberts.

 

Not that the paranormal cares what she thinks [nice]. Sara's best friend Ali complains of threatening whispers haunting her in the library. Cecily's suddenly in possession of a large, wrong-feeling book that seems to be possessing her. And there are hints of a redheaded girl around the school, but she's never there when you look straight on.

 

When Ali disappears into thin air, and the only hint of her existence is the disturbing letters still arriving in her and Sara's shared locker [this clause was initially confusing as written], Sara is forced to turn to Cecily for help. The story Cecily spins is hard to believe, but if the paranormal feels the need to force itself into Sara's life, then for the love of all that is good and holy [nice], Sara's going to make it pay.

 

Her best friend—and potentially the whole school—is depending on her.

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, redemption, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. I would be happy to send the manuscript upon request.

 

------

 

Thank you in advance for your help!

I really liked it! Admittedly I am new, but I have read a lot of queries that fall short of this. Small suggestions are embedded above in the quote.



#26 Kat_A_Turner

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Posted 31 January 2017 - 01:49 PM

Look, sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in one. Love it! But there’s whispers haunting her, murmuring about her joining them. There’s wind that comes out of nowhere. And there’s a redheaded girl lurking around the school, but never when you look straight at herI'd condense this part for maximum impact. But given the whispers, the weird voices, and that creepy redhead girl, it appears as if the spirit world has other plans. Or something. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara, Ali’s best friend and personal voice of reason, has too much to worry about—including avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in Ali's ghost stories.But when Ali disappears, Sara discovers that those stories, especially the one about the school ghost, may be all too real. I like, but I think you need to tie the disappearance to the supernatural for maximum clarity. 

 

Finally forced to believe Ali, Again, I want to know specifically what made Sara a believer. Did she see a ghost? Sara’s has to turn to the only other person who seems to have any clue what’s going on—Cecily Roberts. I don't have a clear sense of Cecily's significance. What does she know? What can she offer, or what does she bring to the table that's needed to save Ali? With limited time to save Ali, all three girls(Three? How is Ali involved in saving herself? I"m confused, I thought she'd been kidnapped) must put aside years of resentment and work toward pulling Ali back to the land of the living before her soul has been drained like dozens before her.Love that the plot involves girls putting aside their issues and working together to achieve a common goal. :smile: This is the first mention of soul draining. I think that you need to clarify earlier what the spirit world did/wants to do to Ali and how it's tied to her disappearance. 

 

And the school ghost is free to strike again.I don't know what this means, nor do I think you need it. 

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 
This is getting there, I just think that you need to clarify what happens, what the instigating event was. Sounds like a fun story!


#27 A.Lint

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Posted 31 January 2017 - 09:08 PM

I feel like the last query was losing its punch with too much tinkering, so I'm trying a completely different direction. Let me know what you think.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Look, sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in one. But (there was already a "but" in your last sentence. It'll be redundant) there’s whispers haunting her, murmuring about her joining them (Joining them as ghosts?). (You can shorten the prose here: Whispers haunt her, persuading her to join. or something like that) There’s wind that comes out of nowhere. (Wind blows from nowhere.)  And there’s a redheaded girl lurking around the school, but never(disappear) when you look straight at her.

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara, Ali’s best friend and personal voice of reason, has too much to worry about—including avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears, Sara discovers those stories, especially the one about the school ghost, (You can omit this to shorten the prose. It still gives the same impact.) may be all too real.

 

Finally forced to believe Ali, Sara’s has to turn to the only other person who seems to have any clue what’s going on—Cecily Roberts. With limited time to save Ali, all three girls must put aside years of resentment and work toward pulling (pull) Ali back to the land of the living before her soul has been drained like dozens before her(...before the school ghost drains her soul.)

 

And the school ghost is free to strike again. (I can see what you're trying to imply here, but your ending is hard to connect with the rest of your query. See how you can re-write this.)

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks for your query critique

 

 

Most of the comments I gave are focused more giving the prose a better bang. Also, what makes Cecily Roberts have any clue on what's going on?

 

All of these are subjective. Feel free to use what furthers your query!

 

P.S. My corgi apparently doesn't want his pictures to be shared, which is sad.



#28 jphollis

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Posted 01 February 2017 - 02:15 AM

I feel like the last query was losing its punch with too much tinkering, so I'm trying a completely different direction. Let me know what you think.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Look, sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in one. But there’s whispers haunting her, murmuring about her joining them. There’s wind that comes out of nowhere. And there’s a redheaded girl lurking around the school, but never when you look straight at her. (The double 'buts' at the beginning are troublesome, but a simple little rewrite would fix that: Look, just because sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories doesn't mean she wants to be in one. But...

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara, Ali’s best friend and personal voice of reason, has too much to worry about—including avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears, Sara discovers those stories, especially the one about the school ghost, may be all too real. (I don't think you need to say 'those stories'. Just get right to the meat of it and say, 'Sara discovers that the school ghost...')

 

Finally forced to believe Ali, Sara’s has to turns to the only other person who seems to has any clue what’s going on—Cecily Roberts (This is wordier than it needs to be, I think. I crossed out the words you can easily lose.) With limited time to save Ali, all three girls must put aside years of resentment and work toward pulling Ali back to the land of the living before her soul has been is drained like dozens before her.

 

And the school ghost is free to strike again. (I see what you are doing here, but it feels out of step. I feel like it might be better to lose this sentence altogether, but on the other hand, keeping something like this could be good as well. Maybe replace 'And' with 'Before', so it's playing more off the sentence before it? I'm not sure, but that might work a little better.)

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Overall, I like this query better because I can hear more of your voice coming through.


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#29 Zach67

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Posted 01 February 2017 - 03:17 AM

Okay! Trying again.

 

I also have questions.

1. I agree the "thin air" bit is cliche, but I am unsure how else to succinctly imply that Ali was there, and then wasn't. Just seemingly faded away sometime between third and fourth periods (Sara did not see this happen). So if anyone has a better way to say it, I would love to hear it.

2. As jphollis points out, the "Because" on the stakes paragraph is a little strange. I had "But" before but there's a "but" in the sentence above, and then the "but"s seemed a little too much. But the sentence doesn't seem to work without some sort of transition. I don't know. I think I'm going mad.

3. Now that I've been trolling around the query boards for a bit, I see it's normal to put in the query when a story is dual POV. Is this a hard and fast rule? Bleachers is dual POV, alternating between Sara and Ali, but that fact doesn't change the main conflict (obviously Ali is also upset about disappearing). If I don't make note, will agents be confused/surprised if the manuscript alternates?

 

I also added in some details about the letters--let me know if that's good or bad.

 

Again, thanks to everyone for looking at this and helping me out!

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Fairmont has always had a high number of unsolved missing persons’ cases. Local legend says this is because the high school ghost takes the living for its own. I worry that the main character is not here. It's interesting, but it feels separate from everything else

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara has too much to worry about—her parents' expectations, her inability to hold a conversation with her crush, and avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in her best friend Ali's ghost stories. (better hook here, but don't use ali's name. Go more in-depth after the hook). Could also follow hook immediately after with a paragraph about the schoolBut when Ali disappears into thin air, Sara discovers those stories may be all too real. Especially since she continues to receive disturbing letters from Ali in their shared locker, warning against a redheaded girl. Do not like the word, Especially don't like especially 

 

If the stories are to be trusted, Sara only has limited time to save Ali’s soul. She is forced to turn to the only person who seems to have any idea what's going on: Cecily Roberts. The story Cecily spins goes against everything Sara knows about how the world works, but Ali's always been there for her, and she'll do anything to get her back.

Need to explain why Celcily is relevant

Because you do these type of words to make it suspenseful but your query is much better without it if she doesn't hurry, there will be nothing left of Ali to save—and the library ghost will be free to strike again. Don't just randomly bring up library ghost. need to explain

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Good plot, and potential to be a good query, but you need to make things flow better and be more concise and explanatory.

here's my query, please check it out:http://agentquerycon...e-2#entry333704


My timeless miracle query: http://agentquerycon...e-2?hl=timeless

 

My timeless miracle synopsis: http://agentquerycon...meless +miracle

 

 


#30 slbynum3

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Posted 01 February 2017 - 09:50 PM

Thank you for critiquing my query!

I feel like the last query was losing its punch with too much tinkering, so I'm trying a completely different direction. Let me know what you think.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Look, sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in one. But (you just used the word 'but'. Try rewording this sentence) there’s whispers haunting her, murmuring about her joining them. There’s wind that comes out of nowhere. And there’s a redheaded girl lurking around the school, but never when you look straight at her.

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara, Ali’s best friend and personal voice of reason, has too much to worry about—including avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears, Sara discovers those stories, especially the one about the school ghost, may be all too real.

 

Finally forced to believe Ali, Sara’s has to turn to the only other person who seems to have any clue what’s going on—Cecily Roberts. With limited time to save Ali, all three girls must put aside years of resentment and work toward pulling Ali back to the land of the living before her soul has been drained like dozens before her.

 

And the school ghost is free to strike again. (I don't think this part is needed)

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books (I like this line, but I'm confused. What creepy books? I think you left out a part from your older queries about Ali picking up a book. You should put that part back in so this makes sense.). It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 
I don't know, I think one of your older queries was better. But that's just my opinion. Good luck!


#31 alicewitten30

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 04:05 PM

Hi Author! 

 

I took a stab at combining two versions of your query and adding notes.

 

 

17-year-old Sara has too much to worry about—her parents' expectations, her inability to hold a conversation with her crush, and avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in her best friend Ali's ghost stories of threatening whispers following her throughout the school. But when Ali disappears into thin air, and Sara hears the whispers for herself, Sara discovers those she fears the stories may be all too real. Especially since she continues to receive disturbing letters from Ali in their shared locker. Cool! Include something about what they say, maybe "pleading for Sara to save her" or saying "watch out for the demon in math class!"  
 
With limited time to save Ali's soul, if the stories are to be trusted, Willing to do anything to get Ali back, Sara is forced to turn to the only person who seems to have any idea what's going on—Cecily Roberts. I think you need a sentence here about why Cecily knows what's going on - is she a psychic medium? Did her brother disappear a few years ago because the ghost got him? The story Cecily spins goes against everything Sara knows about how the world works, but Ali's always been there for her, and she'll do anything to get her back. Unfortunately, Cecily's news is grim. Sara only has until the Saturday homecoming dance to save Ali's soul. A sentence here about how Sara is supposed to save Ali - is it a ritual spell and she has to collect eclectic ingredients? Sacrifice a freshman? I also liked the line about the wrong-feeling book possessing Cecily but wasn't sure how to fit that in since I didn't know the other details and couldn't get it to flow. 
 
But if she doesn't hurry, there will be nothing left of Ali to save—and then the library ghost will be free to strike again.
 
WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. I know some other commenters have said to axe that last part but I like the voice here I would be happy to send the manuscript upon request.
 
I liked more of the earlier version's wording, but it felt off that the title referenced bleachers but the query was about the library . The newer version made it sound like the paranormal was targeting Sara specifically but I'm not sure how because the ghost has Ali? Is there something special about Sara that the ghost wants and its using Ali as bait? I may be way off in some of the details but hopefully this is helpful! Overall I think this looks like a good story to read around Halloween, and I like the urgency you've created with saving Ali. Good luck!


#32 KitCampbell

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 05:20 PM

Thanks for your help, everyone. I'm feeling a bit lost so I think I'm going to take a week off and work on my synopsis and then come back to this, and hopefully my chickens will get themselves in a row or whatever the saying actually is.

 

~Kit



#33 cbaz

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 09:07 PM

I feel like the last query was losing its punch with too much tinkering, so I'm trying a completely different direction. Let me know what you think.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Look not sure I like starting with 'look', sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in one. But there’s whispers can you expand on this more? Whispers from what/ whom? haunting her, murmuring about her joining them. There’s I'm not crazy starting a sentence with 'there's' either. wind that comes out of nowhere. And there’s a redheaded girl lurksing around the school, but never when you look straight at her.

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara, Ali’s best friend and personal voice of reason, has too much to worry about—including avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears, Sara discovers those stories, especially the one about the school ghost, may be all too real. this part is good

 

Finally forced to believe Ali, Sara’s has to turns to the only other person who seems to have any clue about what’s going on—Cecily Roberts. With limited time to save Ali not sure this part is needed, all three girls must put aside years of resentment and work toward pulling Ali back wouldn't they have to find her first? to the land of the living before her soul has been drained like dozens before her.

 

And the school ghost is free to strike again.

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books not sure about this last thing (creepy books). It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Hi there--sounds like an interesting story! Hope this helps. 



#34 michaelaguil88

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Posted 18 February 2017 - 07:01 AM

 

Fairmont has always had a high number of unsolved missing persons’ cases. Local legend says this is because the high school ghost takes the living for its own. (I agree with previous comments that this hook is rather vague and does little for me.)

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara has too much to worry about—her parents' expectations, her inability to hold a conversation with her crush, and avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to never put any stock in her best friend Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears into thin air vanishes (Maybe include a time such a a short window between classes. Ex: ...vanishes between art and gym...), Sara discovers those stories may be all too real. Especially since she continues (Was Ali leaving letters before her disappearance?) to receive disturbing letters from Ali in their shared locker, warning against a redheaded girl (Distrubing letters from Ali, warning of a redheaded girl, are especially convincing since she has yet to be found. That sentence wasn't working for me. I don't know if mine is really better or not, but should keep experimenting with the phrasing there.).

 

If the stories are to be trusted, Sara only has limited time to save Ali’s soul. She is forced to turn to the only person who seems to have any idea what's going on: archnemesis, Cecily Roberts. The story Cecily spins goes against everything Sara knows about how the world works, but Ali's always been there for her, and she'll do anything to get her back.

 

Because if she doesn't hurry, there will be nothing left of Ali to save—and the library ghost will be free to strike again (The inclusion of the "library ghost" here at the end seems a bit random. Maybe introduce it earlier with the disappearance.).

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Hope this gives you some ideas to work with.



#35 hermitage

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 09:50 PM

I feel like the last query was losing its punch with too much tinkering, so I'm trying a completely different direction. Let me know what you think.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Look, [maybe colon instead of comma?] sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in one. But there’s whispers are haunting her, murmuring about her joining them. There’s a wind that comes out of nowhere. And there’s a redheaded girl lurking around the school, but never when you look straight at her.

 

Seventeen-year-old [do we need her age? I figure she's near 16 if she's the other one's friend] Sara, Ali’s best friend and personal voice of reason, already? has too much to worry about—including avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears, Sara discovers those stories, especially the one about the school ghost, may be all too real.

 

Finally forced to believe Ali, Sara’s has to turn to the only other person who seems to have any clue what’s going on—Cecily Roberts [in a weird way, I like this little twist. though I'm left wondering what was so bad about CR in the first place...]. With limited time to save Ali, all three girls [wait, which three? are you including Ali? I thought she disappeared? is she back? I think you should be clearer on this point] must put aside years of resentment and work toward pulling Ali back to the land of the living before her soul has been drained like dozens before her.

 

And the school ghost is free to strike again. [not sure if this adds all that much punch really?]

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#36 SharonMorrisWagner

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 04:32 PM

I agree with what others said - stick to one POV unless the book is written in multiple POVs and even then the query is confusing. Also your MC is too much of a Mary Sue. Maybe she's not in the novel but in this query she seems to be. I want to know more about her than she has a best friend and there's a mean girl at school that she doesn't like.

#37 marsbars

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Posted 28 February 2017 - 10:17 AM

I feel like the last query was losing its punch with too much tinkering, so I'm trying a completely different direction. Let me know what you think.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Look, Sixteen-year-old Ali loves ghost stories, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in one. But there’s whispers haunting her, murmuring about her joining them. There’s wind that comes out of nowhere. And there’s a redheaded girl lurking around the school, but never when you look straight at her.

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara, Ali’s best friend and personal voice of reason, has too much to worry about—including avoiding her arch-nemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears, Sara discovers those stories, especially the one about the school ghost, may be all too real.

 

Finally forced to believe Ali, Sara’s has to turn to the only other person who seems to have any clue what’s going on—Cecily Roberts. With limited time to save Ali, all three girls must put aside years of resentment and work toward pulling Ali back to the land of the living before her soul has been drained like dozens before her.

 

And the school ghost is free to strike again.

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Hmm, I think that alternating viewpoints might take away from the story, seeing as part of the suspense is wondering if Ali will be found. Having it just from Sara's point of view might be interesting!



#38 AdrianGC

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 02:08 PM

Hey Kit. First off, let me just say that I think your query is very solid. Obviously you're trying to make it as strong as possible and I think you definitely have a solid foundation here -- not like it needs to be totally rewritten or anything. 
 
They say the library ghost takes the living for its own.  I know a lot of people like this opening sentence, but I wonder if it's necessary. I think you could scrap it and just start with the next paragraph.
 
Seventeen 17-year-old Sara has too much to worry about—her parents' expectations, her inability to hold a conversation with her crush, and avoiding her archnemesis, Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in her best friend Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali disappears vanishes into thin air (maybe add something right here, e.g. just before gym class, between periods, etc) Sara discovers those stories may be all too real. Especially since she continues to receive disturbing letters from Ali in their shared locker. (Is sharing lockers a real thing? I'm not trying to be a dick -- I really don't know. We always had our own growing up. Is this believable/common?)
 
Maybe something here like "When one of the notes says that Ali only has X amount of time to be restored to this world before being lost forever... (Unless that is in complete contrast to the story, in which case please disregard.) With limited time to save Ali's soul, if the stories are to be trusted, Sara is forced to turn to the only person who seems to have any idea what's going on—Cecily Roberts. The story Cecily spins goes against everything Sara knows about how the world works, but Ali's always been there for her, and she'll do anything to get her back.
 
But if she doesn't hurry, there will be nothing left of Ali to save—and then the library ghost will be free to strike again.
 
WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. I would be happy to send the manuscript upon request.
 
I hope this is helpful. If you could, please take a moment to look at my query. (Which isn't nearly as good as yours!) 
 

Adrian

I'm looking for feedback on my query. Thanks in advance. http://agentquerycon...-rhinos-sci-fi/

 





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