Okay! Trying again.
I also have questions.
1. I agree the "thin air" bit is cliche, but I am unsure how else to succinctly imply that Ali was there, and then wasn't. Just seemingly faded away sometime between third and fourth periods (Sara did not see this happen). So if anyone has a better way to say it, I would love to hear it.
2. As jphollis points out, the "Because" on the stakes paragraph is a little strange. I had "But" before but there's a "but" in the sentence above, and then the "but"s seemed a little too much. But the sentence doesn't seem to work without some sort of transition. I don't know. I think I'm going mad.
3. Now that I've been trolling around the query boards for a bit, I see it's normal to put in the query when a story is dual POV. Is this a hard and fast rule? Bleachers is dual POV, alternating between Sara and Ali, but that fact doesn't change the main conflict (obviously Ali is also upset about disappearing). If I don't make note, will agents be confused/surprised if the manuscript alternates?
I also added in some details about the letters--let me know if that's good or bad.
Again, thanks to everyone for looking at this and helping me out!
Fairmont has always had a high number of unsolved missing persons’ cases. Local legend says this is because the high school ghost takes the living for its own. I worry that the main character is not here. It's interesting, but it feels separate from everything else
Seventeen-year-old Sara has too much to worry about—her parents' expectations, her inability to hold a conversation with her crush, and avoiding her archnemesis Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in her best friend Ali's ghost stories. (better hook here, but don't use ali's name. Go more in-depth after the hook). Could also follow hook immediately after with a paragraph about the schoolBut when Ali disappears into thin air, Sara discovers those stories may be all too real.
Especially since she continues to receive disturbing letters from Ali in their shared locker, warning against a redheaded girl. Do not like the word, Especially don't like especially
If the stories are to be trusted, Sara only has limited time to save Ali’s soul. She is forced to turn to the only person who seems to have any idea what's going on: Cecily Roberts. The story Cecily spins goes against everything Sara knows about how the world works, but Ali's always been there for her, and she'll do anything to get her back.
Need to explain why Celcily is relevant
Because you do these type of words to make it suspenseful but your query is much better without it if she doesn't hurry, there will be nothing left of Ali to save—and the library ghost will be free to strike again. Don't just randomly bring up library ghost. need to explain
WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Good plot, and potential to be a good query, but you need to make things flow better and be more concise and explanatory.
here's my query, please check it out:http://agentquerycon...e-2#entry333704