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What Lurks Beneath the Bleachers (YA paranormal) (newest in #39)


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#41 gigigriffis

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Posted 18 May 2017 - 04:01 AM

I'm baaaaack, she said in a creepy voice.

 

Wrote a new one from scratch. Also tweaked an old one. Which do you prefer?

 

New:

School legends say the ghost takes the living for its own. Not that seventeen-year-old Sara cares about ghosts. That's more of the purview of her best friend Ali. In fact, if Sara can get through high school with good grades and without attracting the attention of her archnemesis Cecily Roberts, life would be grand. <-- this is great. Good pace. Good voice. I already feel like I'm going to like the book itself. 

 

Of course, that would be asking too much.

 

When strange things start happening around her—Ali complaining of threatening whispers only she can hear, Cecily in possession of a wrong-feeling book <-- I'm not sure what this means only Sara ever sees her with, hints of a redheaded girl that isn't really there <-- "hints of" feels a bit vague to me...is she seeing visions? Finding red hairs left behind somewhere? What exactly does this mean?—Sara questions her sanity. But then Ali disappears, leaving behind only disturbing messages in their shared locker. Ones that continue to come even after she's gone.

 

Forced to give the ghost stories some credit and desperate to help her friend, Sara is forced to turn to the only person who seems to know what's going on—Cecily Roberts. Cecily spins a tale of shadow worlds and spell books, but despite the absurdity of it all, it's the only lead Sara's got. If true, this ghost has been taking people for a long time, and it doesn't give them back.

 

But Sara's going to bring Ali home, and no ghost is going to stop her. <-- Great. I'm in.

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS <-- I adore this title. is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books <-- ha!. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. <-- I'm not sure you need this tidbit here (I've been told it can be off-putting to agents, so consider leaving it out and letting them get into the writing and fall in love with your characters before the reveal) Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Old:

School legends say the ghost takes the living for its own.  

 

Seventeen-year-old Sara has too much to worry about—her parents' expectations, her inability to hold a conversation with her crush, and avoiding her archnemesis, Cecily Roberts—to put any stock in her best friend Ali's ghost stories. But when Ali vanishes, Sara discovers those stories may be all too real. Especially since she continues to receive disturbing letters from Ali in their shared locker.

 

Desperate to save her friend from the reality those letters depict, Sara is forced to turn to the only person who seems to have any idea what's going on—Cecily Roberts. The story Cecily spins goes against everything Sara knows about how the world works, but Ali's always been there for her, and she'll do anything to get her back.

 

But if she doesn't hurry, there will be nothing left of Ali to save—and then the ghost will be free to strike again.

 

[story stats blah blah blah]

 

Thanks, guys! I'm happy to return critiques.


Will you take a peek at my query?

 

Sincerely,

 

Gigi Griffis

Copywriter, Content Strategist, & Travel Guide Author

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#42 Sakura Eries

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Posted 18 May 2017 - 04:05 PM

The new one seems a bit rambly, although I like the final hook

 

"But Sara's going to bring Ali home, and no ghost is going to stop her."

 

As for the second one, it feels a bit too bare bones, like it needs a few extra details to really make it stand out from the crowd.


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#43 KitCampbell

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Posted 20 May 2017 - 11:15 PM

Thanks, guys! Now's the time where I feel pretty confident about a query version and post a tweaked version only to have someone new come in and explain all the ways I've gone wrong.

 

So if you're that person, NOW IS YOUR TIME.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

School legend says the ghost takes the living for its own. Not that seventeen-year-old Sara cares about ghosts. That's more of the purview of her best friend Ali. In fact, if Sara can get through high school with good grades and without attracting the attention of her archnemesis Cecily Roberts, life would be grand.

 

Of course, that would be asking too much.

 

When strange things start happening around her—Ali complaining of threatening whispers only she can hear, Cecily seemingly possessed by a wrong-feeling book only Sara ever sees her with, glimpses of a redheaded girl that isn't really there—Sara questions her sanity. But then Ali disappears, leaving behind only disturbing letters in their shared locker. Ones that continue to come even after she's gone.

 

Forced to give the ghost stories some credit and desperate to help her friend, Sara is forced to turn to the only person who seems to know what's going on—Cecily Roberts. Cecily spins a tale of shadow worlds and spell books, but despite the absurdity of it all, it's the only lead Sara's got. If true, this ghost has been taking people for a long time, and it doesn't give them back.

 

But Sara's going to bring Ali home, and no ghost is going to stop her.

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#44 gigigriffis

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Posted 21 May 2017 - 12:13 AM

Excellent! I've only got a few tiny nitpicky things and I think it's ready to go.

Thanks, guys! Now's the time where I feel pretty confident about a query version and post a tweaked version only to have someone new come in and explain all the ways I've gone wrong.

 

So if you're that person, NOW IS YOUR TIME.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

School legend says the ghost takes the living for its own. Not that seventeen-year-old Sara cares about ghosts. That's more of the purview of her best friend Ali. In fact, if Sara can get through high school with good grades and without attracting the attention of her archnemesis Cecily Roberts, life would be grand.

 

Of course, that would be asking too much.

 

When strange things start happening around her—Ali complaining of threatening whispers only she can hear, Cecily seemingly possessed by a wrong-feeling book only Sara ever sees her with, glimpses of a redheaded girl that isn't really there—Sara questions her sanity. But then Ali disappears, leaving behind only disturbing letters in their shared locker. Ones <-- Ones feels a bit weird here. I think "Letters" would work better. (Some will disagree with me and call it repetitive, but when you're intentionally using sentence fragments to build tension, repeating a key word in the next fragment helps make them feel connected IMO) that continue to come even after she's gone.

 

Forced to give the ghost stories some credit and desperate to help her friend, Sara is forced <-- since you just used forced, I'd try a different word here to turn to the only person who seems to know what's going on—Cecily Roberts. Cecily spins a tale of shadow worlds and spell books, but despite the absurdity of it all, it's the only lead Sara's got. If true, this ghost has been taking people for a long time, and it doesn't give them back.

 

But Sara's going to bring Ali home, and no ghost is going to stop her.

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Will you take a peek at my query?

 

Sincerely,

 

Gigi Griffis

Copywriter, Content Strategist, & Travel Guide Author

Blog  /  Website  /  Facebook  /  Twitter


#45 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 21 May 2017 - 02:26 AM

Thanks, guys! Now's the time where I feel pretty confident about a query version and post a tweaked version only to have someone new come in and explain all the ways I've gone wrong.
 
So if you're that person, NOW IS YOUR TIME.
 
~*~*~*~*~
 
School legend says the ghost takes the living for its own. Not that seventeen-year-old Sara cares about ghosts. That's more of the purview of her best friend, Ali. In fact, if Sara can get through high school with good grades, and without attracting the attention of her archnemesis Cecily Roberts, life would be grand.
 
Of course, that would be asking too much.
 
When strange things start happening around her—Ali complaining of threatening whispers only she can hear, Cecily seemingly possessed by a wrong-feeling book only Sara ever sees her with, glimpses of a redheaded girl that isn't really there—Sara questions her sanity. But then Ali disappears, leaving behind only disturbing letters in their shared locker. Ones agreed with Gigi Letters that continue to come even after she's gone.
 
Forced to give the ghost stories some credit and desperate to help her friend, Sara is forced has to turn to the only person who seems to know what's going on—Cecily Roberts. Cecily spins a tale of shadow worlds and spell books, but despite the absurdity of it all, it's the only lead Sara's got. If true, this ghost has been taking people for a long time, and it doesn't give them back.
 
But Sara's going to bring Ali home, and no ghost is going to stop her.
 
WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books. It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.


All I did was add a couple commas and help you out with the repetitions (well spotted on Gigi's part), but yeah, this sounds awesome.

My favorite part? No romantic interest. That means no sparkly Casper-Bieber abominations!!! :biggrin: haha

Well written, Kit, and thanks so much for helping me with my query :)

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#46 Vio Liddell

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Posted 21 May 2017 - 11:00 AM

Hi! Returning the favor.

 

Thanks, guys! Now's the time where I feel pretty confident about a query version and post a tweaked version only to have someone new come in and explain all the ways I've gone wrong.

 

So if you're that person, NOW IS YOUR TIME.

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

School legend says the ghost takes the living for its own. Not that seventeen-year-old Sara cares about ghosts. That's more of the purview of her best friend Ali. In fact, if Sara can get through high school with good grades and without attracting the attention of her archnemesis Cecily Roberts, life would be grand.

 

Of course, that would be asking too much.

 

When strange things start happening around her—Ali complaining of threatening whispers only she can hear, Cecily bewitched by a wrong-feeling book only Sara ever sees her with, glimpses of a redheaded girl that isn't really there (I liked your previous version of this sentence better, when you said "a girl that's never there when you look straight on")—Sara questions her sanity. But then Ali disappears, leaving behind only disturbing letters in their shared locker. Letters that continue to come even after she's gone.

 

Forced to give the ghost stories some credit and desperate to help her friend, Sara must turn to the only person who seems to know what's going on—Cecily Roberts. Cecily spins a tale of shadow worlds and spell books, but despite the absurdity of it all, it's the only lead Sara's got. If true, this ghost has been taking people for a long time and it doesn't give them back.

 

But One thing's for sure: Sara's going to bring Ali home, and no ghost is going to stop her.

 

WHAT LURKS BENEATH THE BLEACHERS is an 89,000 word YA paranormal novel which focuses on friendship, forgiveness, and why it's bad to pick up creepy books (I think you shouldn't include this here. Your themes must show through your query). It’s told in alternating viewpoints between Sara and Ali. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I like the voice  :wink: And I love your title. But I'm wondering, like other posters, if the bleachers do play a major part in the setting of your story? That would be great. Anyway I think your query is strong. I've just made a few suggestions.

 

Good luck!



#47 KitCampbell

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Posted 26 May 2017 - 10:07 AM

Thanks, guys! I think I'm going to try my luck.






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