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Cry of the Witch


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#1 Maranda83

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Posted 05 January 2017 - 09:40 PM

Following the death of CALLIE RICHARDS father, she is forced to move from the large city of Toledo to the small rural town of Coshocton with her only surviving relative, her grandmother, MILLIE. Little does she know how her life is about to change.
Three years later, on her seventeenth birthday, Callie sets those changes into motion when she decides to have her first sexual encounter with her long-term boyfriend and best friend, TREVOR. When she returns home she begins to feel odd. Hot, dizzy and nauseated, Callie doesn't get cold medicine or a cool washcloth from her grandma. Instead, she receives the irrefutable truth that‘s been kept a secret her entire life. She’s a witch. Perhaps the most powerful ever in existence. She has the ability to master control of not one but all the elements. Including the fifth element that most don’t believe in, spirit. Her powers will act as a magnifier, bouncing the powers of her coven outward at a target, and inward at the group itself, strengthening the other members magical potential. And her untrained powers have just appeared.
Callie also learns that numerous family members, including her own parents, whose deaths appeared as mere accidents, were murdered at the hands of an evil sorcerer named BELLARY, and he‘s coming for her next. Millie tells Callie that she believes Bellary has been building an army for decades and will use them to test Callie as he has done to several witches over the years. With his ability to live off the energy caused by death and a special talent for absorbing the powers of magical beings, Bellary believes that he has become almost unmatched. Millie and the rest of the magical residents believe Callie, as the only witch ever to control spirit, is their last hope to destroy the threat to their world and live a peaceful existence.
Bellary has sworn to turn the non-magical population into an endless supply of energy and the magical community into his slaves. However, because Callie must first learn to focus all four elements before she can truly master the fifth, she has a small window of time. Millie informs Callie that due to the nature of his magic, Bellary must wait until Callie’s powers to fully mature before taking them from her or he runs the risk of another witch being able to defeat him. Thus, Callie has a small amount of time to learn what she needs to. 

Callie finds that almost everyone she knows has a special gift, including her three closest friends. MELANIE a descendant of the local Native American tribe, can control the element of Earth. KEN possesses the ability to read emotions as an empathic, and has the potential to master the element of fire. EMMA a century old vampire, has speed and stealth of the element of air. 
The only person left in her world that possess no magical ability and knows nothing of it’s existence, is Trevor. To protect him from Bellary, Callie is left with the only solution she can think of: to push Trevor away to keep him safe. 
Though she is consumed with regret and distracted at the status of Trevor’s safety. Callie works to put her heartache aside and focus on controlling her powers. Callie and her friends form a powerful coven with Callie as their center, though the coven struggles to perform as one.
Callie and her coven uncover a rare magic running through the heart of the small town where the three rivers meet. It has the ability to draw other magical beings to it. The group maybe able to harness that power and use it to their advantage against Bellary, though it will take practice. And Callie faces a complication-her coven is still incomplete, without a person who masters the water element.
Bellary grows impatient and chooses to test Callie’s progress from his hiding place. He coordinates an attack using one of his enslaved tribal leaders from his army, and uses him to assume the form of the tribe’s totem animal, a wolf, as his weapon. Bellary hopes that even if Callie has advanced enough to foresee the attack that she will be unable to understand it enough to stop him. Callie worst fears are confirmed when Bellary chooses Trevor as the weakest target. Forcing the wolf to bite and control Trevor from his very soul. 
Her inexperience in the magical world leads her to believe that the wolf was a conventional werewolf. Callie forms a plan-- if she can bind the werewolf form getting close enough to give Trevor orders to harm her, she will be able to save Trevor‘s and her own life. 
The coven’s incomplete powers are unequipped for the task, and her spell goes horribly wrong. The spell, designed only for keeping physical beings away puts Callie close enough for the attack Bellary had envisioned. When the wolf orders Trevor to attack Callie or die himself, Trevor chooses to lose his own life to keep her safe. As Trevor dies Callie sees his soul escape and is left to believe the wolf is gone as well. 
 


#2 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 07 January 2017 - 04:55 PM

Here are my thoughts:

 

Following the death of CALLIE RICHARD'S father, she is forced to move from the large city of Toledo to the small rural town of Coshocton with her only surviving relative, her grandmother, MILLIE. Little does she know how her life is about to change.  Bit of a cliche. More specific here would make your synopsis stronger.
Three years later, (this transition is abrupt. I think it would be better to reveal or at least hint at what happened three years ago in the last paragraph, to build more excitement and tension) on her seventeenth birthday, Callie sets those changes into motion when she decides to have her first sexual encounter with her long-term boyfriend and best friend, TREVOR. When she returns home she begins to feel odd. Hot, dizzy and nauseated, Callie doesn't get cold medicine or a cool washcloth from her grandma. <-- Like! Instead, she receives the irrefutable truth that‘s been kept a secret her entire life. She’s a witch. Perhaps the most powerful ever in existence. This statement is also a bit cliched and might work better with more explanation. She has the ability to master control of not one but all the elements. Including the fifth element that most don’t believe in, spirit. Her powers will act as a magnifier, bouncing the powers of her coven outward at a target, and inward at the group itself, strengthening the other members magical potential. And her untrained powers have just appeared.
Callie also learns that numerous family members, including her own parents, whose deaths appeared as mere accidents, were murdered at the hands of an evil sorcerer named BELLARY, and he‘s coming for her next. Millie tells Callie that she believes Bellary has been building an army for decades and will use them to test (test? Why not just kill her?) Callie as he has done to several witches over the years. With his ability to live off the energy caused by death and a special talent for absorbing the powers of magical beings, Bellary believes that he has become almost unmatched. Millie and the rest of the magical residents believe Callie, as the only witch ever to control spirit, is their last hope to destroy the threat to their world and live a peaceful existence.
Bellary has sworn to turn the non-magical population into an endless supply of energy and the magical community into his slaves. However, because Callie must first learn to focus all four elements before she can truly master the fifth, she has a small window of time. Millie informs Callie that due to the nature of his magic, Bellary must wait until Callie’s powers to fully mature before taking them from her or he runs the risk of another witch being able to defeat him. (Unclear why attacking an untrained witch as opposed to a trained one would be more likely to lead to his defeat.) Thus, Callie has a small amount of time to learn what she needs to. 

Callie finds that almost everyone she knows has a special gift, including her three closest friends. MELANIE a descendant of the local Native American tribe, can control the element of Earth. KEN possesses the ability to read emotions as an empathic, and has the potential to master the element of fire. EMMA, a century old vampire, has speed and stealth of the element of air. 
The only person left in her world that possess no magical ability and knows nothing of it’s existence, is Trevor. To protect him from Bellary, Callie is left with the only solution she can think of: to push Trevor away to keep him safe. How does she push him away? Make it heartbreaking.
Though she is consumed with regret and distracted at the status of Trevor’s safety. Callie works to put her heartache aside and focus on controlling her powers. Callie and her friends form a powerful coven with Callie as their center, though the coven struggles to perform as one.
Callie and her coven uncover a rare magic running through the heart of the small town where the three rivers meet. It has the ability to draw other magical beings to it. The group maybe able to harness that power and use it to their advantage against Bellary, though it will take practice. And Callie faces a complication-her coven is still incomplete, without a person who masters the water element.
Bellary grows impatient and chooses to test Callie’s progress from his hiding place. He coordinates an attack using one of his enslaved tribal leaders from his army, and uses him to assume the form of the tribe’s totem animal, a wolf, as his weapon. Bellary hopes that even if Callie has advanced enough to foresee the attack that she will be unable to understand it enough to stop him. Callie's worst fears are confirmed when Bellary chooses Trevor as the weakest target. (How did he know about Trevor after Callie broke up with him?) Forcing the wolf to bite and control Trevor from his very soul. 
Her inexperience in the magical world leads her to believe that the wolf was a conventional werewolf. Callie forms a plan-- if she can bind the werewolf form getting close enough to give Trevor orders to harm her, she will be able to save Trevor‘s and her own life. 
The coven’s incomplete powers are unequipped for the task, and her spell goes horribly wrong. The spell, designed only for keeping physical beings away, puts Callie close enough for the attack Bellary had envisioned. When the wolf orders Trevor to attack Callie or die himself, Trevor chooses to lose his own life to keep her safe. As Trevor dies Callie sees his soul escape and is left to believe the wolf is gone as well. 

 

Overall a solid synopsis! I think more details and a careful proofreading for commas and apostrophes would help, then this will be ready to go.

 

Hope I've helped! You can find my synopsis here.



#3 jphollis

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Posted 15 January 2017 - 08:13 AM

 

Following the death of CALLIE RICHARDS father, she is forced to move from the large city of Toledo to the small rural town of Coshocton with her only surviving relative, her grandmother, MILLIE. Little does she know how her life is about to change. ('Little does she know...' is cliche. Try to change this.)

Three years later, on her seventeenth birthday, Callie sets those changes into motion ('sets those changes into motion' feels awkward.) when she decides to have her first sexual encounter with her long-term boyfriend and best friend, TREVOR. When she returns home she begins to feel odd. Hot, dizzy and nauseated, Callie doesn't get cold medicine or a cool washcloth from her grandma. Instead, she receives the irrefutable truth that‘s been kept a secret her entire life. She’s a witch. (Wait. What? How does this go from feeling like a cold to realizing she's a witch? How exactly does she figure out this revelation?) Perhaps the most powerful ever in existence. (Again, how does she know this?) She has the ability to master control of not one but all the elements. Including the fifth element that most don’t believe in,(Maybe use a colon here instead of a comma) spirit. Her powers will act as a magnifier, bouncing the powers of her coven outward at a target, and inward at the group itself, strengthening the other members magical potential (this sentence is very vague. I barely understand what you mean by bouncing powers outward and inward) And her untrained powers have just appeared.

Callie also learns that numerous family members, including her own parents, whose deaths appeared as mere accidents, were murdered at the hands of an evil sorcerer (What makes him evil?) named BELLARY, and he‘s coming for her next. Break this sentence up. It's too long.) Millie (By this time, I've already forgottn who Millie is. Maybe write 'Her grandmother' instead.) tells Callie that she believes Bellary has been building an army for decades and will use them to test Callie as he has done to several witches over the years (Why does he test them? To what purpose?). With his ability to live off the energy caused by death and a special talent for absorbing the powers of magical beings, Bellary believes that he has become almost unmatched. Millie and the rest of the magical residents believe Callie, as the only witch ever to control spirit, is their last hope to destroy the threat to their world and live a peaceful existence. 

Bellary has sworn to turn the non-magical population into an endless supply of energy and the magical community into his slaves. (Maybe put this earlier.) However, because Callie must first learn to focus all four elements before she can truly master the fifth,(This is a comma splice. Break these sentences up or add a conjunction.) she has a small window of time. Millie informs Callie that due to the nature of his magic, Bellary must wait until Callie’s powers to fully mature before taking them from her or he runs the risk of another witch being able to defeat him. Thus, Callie has a small amount of time to learn what she needs to. 

Callie finds that almost everyone she knows has a special gift, including her three closest friends. MELANIE a descendant of the local Native American tribe, can control the element of Earth. KEN possesses the ability to read emotions as an empathic, and has the potential to master the element of fire. EMMA a century old vampire, has speed and stealth of the element of air. (This is all background info. Can you relate this information in more of a showing manner?)

The only person left in her world that possess no magical ability and knows nothing of it’s existence, is Trevor (Really? There's only one? Everyone except this poor guy has magical powers? That's how this reads). To protect him from Bellary, Callie is left with the only solution she can think of: to push Trevor away to keep him safe. 

Though she is consumed with regret (This is telling and cliche) and distracted at the status of Trevor’s safety. (comma, not a period) Callie works to put her heartache aside and focus on controlling her powers. Callie and her friends form a powerful coven with Callie as their center, though the coven struggles to perform as one.

Callie and her coven uncover a rare magic running through the heart of the small town where the three rivers meet. It has the ability to draw other magical beings to it. The group maybe ('may be', not 'maybe') able to harness that power and use it to their advantage against Bellary, though it will take practice. And Callie faces a complication-her coven is still incomplete,(erase this comma) without a person who masters the water element.

Bellary grows impatient and chooses to test Callie’s progress from his hiding place. He coordinates an attack using one of his enslaved tribal leaders from his army, and uses him to assume the form of the tribe’s totem animal, a wolf, as his weapon (Awkward phrasing). Bellary hopes that even if Callie has advanced enough to foresee the attack that she will be unable to understand it enough to stop him. Callie's worst fears are confirmed when Bellary chooses Trevor as the weakest target. (Comma, not a period) Forcing the wolf to bite and control Trevor from his very soul. 

Her inexperience in the magical world leads her to believe that the wolf was a conventional werewolf. Callie forms a plan-- if she can bind the werewolf form getting close enough to give Trevor orders to harm her, she will be able to save Trevor‘s and her own life ( I read this three times and I still don't understand it)

The coven’s incomplete powers are unequipped for the task, and her spell goes horribly wrong. The spell, designed only for keeping physical beings away puts Callie close enough for the attack Bellary had envisioned. When the wolf orders Trevor to attack Callie or die himself, Trevor chooses to lose his own life to keep her safe. As Trevor dies Callie sees his soul escape and is left to believe the wolf is gone as well. 

 

 

Besides the awkward phrasing and punctuation mistakes, I see two other major problems: this is probably longer than most agents would request. Best to get it down to 500 words. Also, if the ending of your synopsis is the ending of your book, it feels pretty bleak. This feels like it's lacking a resolution. Where is the win for the good guys? If this is meant to be part of a series, it still needs to work as a stand alone novel, and this ending doesn't feel like an ending. It feels like the point where the good guys have to regroup and try a different tactic to take the baddie down.

 

Anyway, hope my comments helped.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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