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First 250: Rising Tides (Fantasy)


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#1 nonstop

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Posted 10 January 2017 - 09:52 AM

Hello! Was hoping to get some feedback on the first 250 words of my fantasy novel, Rising Tides. I'm just looking for general con-crit - if it pulled you in, made you want to read more...or if it was too boring, too much exposition or not enough information etc. Just whatever comes to mind! I'm happy to return the favour.

 

 

Picking the bones of the dead always seemed dishonest to Blair. It was too easy to steal from those who could not defend themselves. It required no finesse, no deft touch or sleight of hand. Out on the shore she was one among the gulls and the crows, circling the carrion. It was the work of a scavenger, not a thief. And yet here she was. For the past five years, here she was.

 

Loose stones and shells underfoot gave way to coarse, damp sand as she approached the water's edge. The loch stretched far out of sight, snaking around bends and bays until it met the sea some miles north. The fierce swell of the storms meant she never had to go that far. They carried their victims to her.

 

The first bloated body brought with it the same familiar feelings she'd never quite been able to shake off, no matter how many she’d seen. Relief that her time had not been wasted and anger at the reason why. It was a rhythm of sorts, a pattern she’d fallen into. Both comfortable and confining, like the anchor that stops the boat from drifting out to sea. She always woke the same way after a storm, her ears ringing with the sound of screams smothered by waves as the night’s helpless victims were dragged to the depths. The nightmare was not her own but it had become all too familiar.



#2 chellina216

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Posted 10 January 2017 - 11:40 AM

Hello!

I'm commenting as a reader and not as a writer because I have limited experience as a writer, but lots of experience as a reader :) 

 

I do like where you're going with it and it makes me want to read more.  I felt like the last paragraph was stronger than the beginning, and it had a lot to do with your description of the drowning victims.  So I would say more descriptions of being at the sea - I want to feel like I'm there, looting the bodies of the dead  (eek!)

 

The character sounds interesting, but again, I'd like to know more so I can better visualize.  How does she look, is she armed with a weapon while she scavenges, is she human?  

 

It's a good start.  It would be nice to see you take it to the next level. 



#3 Andrea Roche

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 12:19 AM

I have a question- before I look deeper into this there is one thing kind of bugging me.  Scientifically speaking rivers run south not north. There are rivers that run north but most times it's south. Unless you are working on a Paranormal World where there are things going on that defy gravity, then all science can be thrown out the window, and you are fine. LOL 

 

Thanks!


Andrea Roche

Author: Nights Arose on Amazon

www.Facebook/NightsArose.com

Twitter: @Rose121562


#4 nonstop

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 04:05 AM

I have a question- before I look deeper into this there is one thing kind of bugging me.  Scientifically speaking rivers run south not north. There are rivers that run north but most times it's south. Unless you are working on a Paranormal World where there are things going on that defy gravity, then all science can be thrown out the window, and you are fine. LOL 

 

Thanks!

 

Hi Andrea - no problem! The loch isn't a river, it's more like a coastal inlet. If you look up 'Loch Eriboll' on Google Maps you'll see the sort of idea. Also, the setting is in the southern hemisphere in that the colder, more mountainous regions are to the south and the warmer regions to the north.

 

Of course, I could easily eliminate any potential confusion for readers by saying it meets the sea "some miles away" rather than "some miles north"  :laugh:



#5 dragoness

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Posted 19 January 2017 - 04:04 AM

I liked it very much!  :smile:

 

The first sentence is great! The second paragraph was a little slow for me (I would leave the descriptions for later), and the third was really excellent!

 

If it's okay with you, there are a few changes I suggest:

 

Picking the bones of the dead always seemed dishonest to Blair. It was too easy to steal from those who could not defend themselves. It required no finesse, no deft touch or sleight of hand. Out on the shore she was one among the gulls and the crows, circling the carrion. It was the work of a scavenger, not a thief. And yet here she was. F for the past five years, here she was.

 

Loose stones and shells underfoot gave way to coarse, damp sand a As she approached the water's edge  . T the loch stretched far out of sight, snaking around bends and bays until it met the sea some miles north. The fierce swell of the storms meant she never had to go that far. They carried their victims to her.

 

The first bloated body brought with it the same familiar feelings she'd never quite been able to shake off, no matter how many she’d seen. Relief that her time had not been wasted and anger at the reason why. It was a rhythm of sorts, a pattern she’d fallen into. Both comfortable and confining, like the anchor that stops the boat from drifting out to sea. She always woke the same way after a storm, her ears ringing with the sound of screams smothered by waves as the night’s helpless victims were dragged to the depths. The nightmare was not her own but it had become all too familiar.

 

 

I'd be thankful if you could look at my first sentences: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/






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