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The House of Ashes (YA Fantasy) New Draft at Post #27


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#21 jphollis

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Posted 28 January 2017 - 10:50 AM

Yet another edit. Thanks to Nonicks and Rykter. Most of your comments were taken under advisory. Let me know what you think! 

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from an unlikely source. His mentor, one of the monks, believes Kal’s declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. After observing his abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess, but few can access—the monk agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

Kal meets a rambunctious Patron and learns to control his Flame. Meanwhile, across the desert, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions.

 

When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery. Nia is saved by Kal and the monk—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed.

 

Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With her knowledge of the Humbaba, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba, her brother’s creation, brings Nia some peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. Though the Union lost this battle, the war rages on. Together, Kal and Nia will continue fighting alongside the Brotherhood.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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My Blog: jphollis.com


#22 Nonicks

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Posted 28 January 2017 - 12:08 PM

Yet another edit. Thanks to Nonicks and Rykter. Most of your comments were taken under advisory. Let me know what you think! 

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from an unlikely source. (no, that just feels like you're hiding something Maybe erase "an unlikely source" and continue with "one of the monks" or "his mentor"?) His mentor, one of the monks, believes Kal’s declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. After observing his abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess, but few can access(you don't need this because you don't use this later on)—the monk agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

Kal meets a rambunctious Patron and learns to control his Flame. Meanwhile, across the desert, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions.

 

When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery. Nia is saved by Kal and the monk—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed.

 

Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With her knowledge of the Humbaba, (where did she get the knowledge? If you don't want to get into more explanation, you could say that together they plan an attack)the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba, her brother’s creation, (we know this) brings Nia some peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. Though the Union lost this battle, the war rages on. Together, Kal and Nia will continue fighting alongside the Brotherhood.

 

Yep, I really think you solved all the problems, at least in my opinion. (by the way, your story reminds me of star wars :) )

 

And while you're still here, I'll be really happy if you take a (final) look at my query, link



#23 jphollis

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 03:54 AM

Thanks again Nonicks. My new draft os below. I really think it's nearly done!

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from his mentor, one of the monks. After observing his abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—the monk believes Kal’s declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. So he agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

While Kal is meeting a rambunctious Patron and learns to control his Flame, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery.

 

Kal and the monk save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia some peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. Though the Union lost this battle, the war rages on. Together, Kal and Nia will continue fighting alongside the Brotherhood.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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My Blog: jphollis.com


#24 Nonicks

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 06:20 AM

Thanks again Nonicks. My new draft os below. I really think it's nearly done!

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from his mentor, one of the monks. After observing his abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—the monk believes Kal’s declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. (I now noticed you have two sentences that start with "after" and it doesn't sound so good, you might want to change this structure a bit)So he agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron. (you've changed something, didn't you? Because now I ask myself what is the connection between the Patron and helping Nia. I mean, I think it would be more logical if you first say something like "he agrees to help her" and when Kal agrees, he's introduced to the Patron, and the next paragraph.) In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

While Kal is meeting a rambunctious Patron and learns to control his Flame, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery.

 

Kal and the monk save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia some peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. Though the Union lost this battle, the war rages on. Together, Kal and Nia will continue fighting alongside the Brotherhood.

 

I think it's nearly done, too. Good job!

 

If you post another revision, I'll check it out.

 

I've also posted a synopsis here, if you don't mind taking a look :)



#25 jphollis

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 11:31 AM

Another day. Another draft.

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from his mentor, one of the monks. The monk has observed Kal’s abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—and believes his declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. He agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

While Kal is taught to control his Flame by a rambunctious Patron, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery.

 

After Kal fails one of the Patron’s tests, he and the monk arrive at the House of Ashes just in time to save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia some peace of mind. And after Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. Though the Union lost this battle, the war rages on. Like the war, Kal and Nia’s journeys to discover their past has also only just begun.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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My Blog: jphollis.com


#26 Nonicks

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 05:02 PM

Another day. Another draft. sad lol

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from his mentor, one of the monks. The monk has observed Kal’s abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—and believes his declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. He agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron.(I still feel that something is missing here. Something that will explain what will happen when he meets the Patron. Maybe because I expect to to read this right after this sentence but you only explain this in the next paragraph and have the sentence about Nia in between.) In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

While Kal is taught to control his Flame by a rambunctious Patron, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery.

 

After Kal fails one of the Patron’s tests, (I don't this is is important because it doesn't change the plot, at least not in the synopsis) Kal he and the monk arrive at the House of Ashes just in time to save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia some peace of mind. And after Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. Though the Union lost this battle, the war rages on. Like the war, Kal and Nia’s journeys to discover their past has also only just begun. (I think the last sentence of your previous version was clearer. Because I thought Kal knew his past, now you say he didn't? Maybe you can combine the two version? Together they will continue fighting and discover their past? [and maybe a tiny hint of their past?])



#27 jphollis

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Posted 30 January 2017 - 07:11 PM

Thanks again, Nonicks. I've underlined the sections where I've made changes so it should be easier for you to look over them.

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from his mentor, one of the monks. The monk has observed Kal’s abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—and believes his declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. He agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron who will train Kal and help him search for his original incarnation’s name. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

While a rambunctious Patron teaches Kal to control his Flame, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery.

 

Kal puts his training on, and he and the monk arrive at the House of Ashes just in time to save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. As Kal and Nia continue to fight alongside the Brotherhood, their journeys to discover their past lives have only just begun.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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#28 Nonicks

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Posted 31 January 2017 - 06:49 AM

Thanks again, Nonicks. I've underlined the sections where I've made changes so it should be easier for you to look over them.

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from his mentor, one of the monks. The monk has observed Kal’s abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—and believes his declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. He agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron who will train Kal and help him search for his original incarnation’s name. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

While a rambunctious Patron teaches Kal to control his Flame, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery.

 

Kal puts his training on(hold?), and he and the monk arrive at the House of Ashes just in time to save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. As Kal and Nia continue to fight alongside the Brotherhood, their journeys to discover their past lives have only just begun.

 

This is your best version so far. It's a good synopsis, I don't have any other comments. :)



#29 Patomac

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 11:53 AM

Hey, I think your synopsis is really good. I was only confused by the long lost brother part-- for a second I thought that Kal was the brother in question, although that might just have been me.

 

Also, here:

 

Kal puts his training on, and he and the monk arrive at the House of Ashes just in time to save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. 

 

I don't know what you mean when you say "puts his training on." Does he use his training? Does he put it on hold? If it's the second, I'd find another way to phrase it, because you use the same phrase in the next sentence.

 

Otherwise, marvelous. Made sense beginning to end. :)



#30 JonBurgess

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Posted 06 February 2017 - 10:27 PM

Thanks again, Nonicks. I've underlined the sections where I've made changes so it should be easier for you to look over them.

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from his mentor (This mention of his mentor actually doesn't seem all that important to the synopsis-only that he's one of the monks. Consider removing), one of the monks. The monk has observed Kal’s abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—and believes his declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. He agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron who will train Kal and help him search for his original incarnation’s name. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

While a rambunctious Patron teaches Kal to control his Flame, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery. (The word "weapon" gets used a little too often in this paragraph for my tastes. Consider a synonym or two.)

 

Kal puts his training on, and he and the monk arrive at the House of Ashes just in time to save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. As Kal and Nia continue to fight alongside the Brotherhood, their journeys to discover their past lives have only just begun.

 

This seems pretty solid as a short synopsis. My only input are the few tweaks mentioned above.



#31 dragoness

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 04:51 AM

Hi  :smile: ,

 

I love your synopsis. I think it's fascinating and original.

 

I think it's pretty clear, but I still have some comments:

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. (name is a boring thing, IMO. why won't you omiy it?) Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, (there's no "on one hand" here, so I think you better move between them with something like: on contrary to him, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. In her airship above the city,she only...") wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from his mentor, one of the monks. The monk has observed Kal’s abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—and believes his declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. He agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron who will train Kal and help him search for his original incarnation’s name. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

While a rambunctious Patron teaches Kal to (fight by?) control his Flame, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by "the Humbaba". This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery.

 

Kal puts his training on, and he and the monk arrive at the House of Ashes just in time to save Nia (why didn't they arrive before her brother died?) —but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, but at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack, and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage.(does he turn into a god? why can't he beat the Union?) As Kal and Nia continue to fight alongside the Brotherhood, their journeys to discover their past lives have only just begun. (great!)

 

I'd thank you if you'd like to look at my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#32 KitCampbell

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 12:53 PM

Hello!

Thanks again, Nonicks. I've underlined the sections where I've made changes so it should be easier for you to look over them.

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find the name of his original incarnation. But without her airship, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, he receives help from his mentor, one of the monks. The monk has observed Kal’s abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—and believes his declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. He agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron who will train Kal and help him search for his original incarnation’s name. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, the House of Ashes.

 

While a (the?) rambunctious Patron teaches Kal to control his Flame, Nia’s Flame is sucked out and weaponized by the Humbaba. This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery.

 

Kal puts his training on (hold?), and he and the monk arrive at the House of Ashes just in time to save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron on hold (it already was?) to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba. As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine with his abundance of Flame. Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. As Kal and Nia continue to fight alongside the Brotherhood, their journeys to discover their past lives have only just begun.

Pretty good! Just some missing words and overlap from different versions, I think.



#33 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 09:11 AM

I think that if you clarify a number of things this will be much easier to read. One thing that makes it difficult is the abundance of names of people and things : Kal, Nia, Patron, Flame, the monk, Humbaba, Union, Brotherhood, and Nia's brother. That is a lot to keep straight in a synopsis. I suggest you simplify wherever you can.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Perhaps you can take a look at my synopsis, RIVER PLATE BASIN. 

 

Fourteen-year-old Kal, (CAPS) resident jokester at the local temple where he was abandoned as a baby, longs to find his original incarnation's name. Only then can he prove he's not just another Reborn with no past ('Reborn with no past' is confusing - if one is reborn then they do have a past, from before their birth.) but a bona fide god reincarnated. On the other hand, in her airship above the city, fourteen-year-old Nia doesn't care about her past incarnations. She only wants to find her older brother, lost after their parents' murder ten years ago.

 

Faced with the unwelcome prospect of becoming a permanent member of the temple, Kal steals Nia’s airship and escapes. If he can escape his fate and find a Patron—someone with a proven pedigree as a previous god—he may finally be able to find learn the name of his original incarnation. But wWithout her airship, though, Nia is stranded when Union forces attack and begin abducting teenagers.

 

After Kal crashes the airship and is kicked out of the temple, (Confusing - Kal already escaped the temple, so how can he be kicked out of it?) he receives help from his mentor, one of the monks. The monk has observed Kal’s abundance of Flame—the magic all Reborn possess—and believes his declarations of being a god reincarnated may not be simple boasting. He agrees to introduce Kal to a Patron who will train Kal and help him search for his original incarnation’s name. In return, Kal must rescue Nia, who is now trapped in a Union prison, called the House of Ashes.

 

While a rambunctious Patron teaches Kal to control his Flame, Nia’s Flame is sucked out of her(?) and weaponized by the Humbaba. (So, Nia is a reborn also. Probably should mention this when she is introduced in the first para.) This weapon is the true purpose behind the House of Ashes and the reason for all of the abductions. When the weapon’s inventor visits the House of Ashes, Nia recognizes her long-lost brother. In a secret meeting with him, Nia learns he was tricked into inventing the Humbaba for the Union. (It is not clear what Humbaba is. In the first sentence of this para you make it sound like the name of a people, like a tribe or something. In this last sentence, it sounds like the name of the weapon.) They plan an escape, but Nia’s brother is found out and executed for his treachery.

 

Kal puts his training on, (This makes it sound like body armour. I'm not sure that is the image you want.) and he and the monk arrive at the House of Ashes just in time to save Nia—but in their fight to escape, the monk is killed. Devastated by his death, Kal puts his training with the Patron (This is understood.) on hold to join the Brotherhood, a group of rebels. Nia also joins, hoping to avenge her brother. With the knowledge of the Humbaba’s weak point obtained from her brother, the Brotherhood plan a pre-emptive attack.

 

Their plan goes perfectly until Kal is trapped inside the Humbaba (Now I really do not understand what the Humbaba is! Now you make it sound like a place.) As his Flame is sucked out, at the last moment he manages to overload the machine (What machine?) with his abundance of Flame. (Very confusing - if his Flame is being sucked out, how does he still have an abundeance of the stuff?) Nia swoops down in her airship, launching a surprise attack and finishing the battle.

 

With the weapon destroyed, the Brotherhood celebrates their victory. The destruction of the Humbaba brings Nia peace of mind. After Kal’s display in the battle, the Patron is also convinced of his lineage. As Kal and Nia continue to fight alongside the Brotherhood, their journeys to discover their past lives have only just begun.






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