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Hook for Magical Thinking (Romance)


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#1 Kat_A_Turner

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Posted 23 January 2017 - 09:42 AM

Helen has a shroom-induced voice in her head and a dating history of epic fails. She uses her wonky mystic’s brain to cast a love spell to make the universe pony up her soul mate. 



#2 Andrea Roche

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Posted 24 January 2017 - 01:36 PM

WHAT? Using words like "shroom", "wonky" and "pony up" is not going to make an agent, publisher or reader take your work seriously.  If you have a good story I can't tell.  I'm really not sure what you are talking about.


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#3 Kat_A_Turner

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Posted 24 January 2017 - 03:45 PM

Hmmm...most of the feedback on that hook was that it hinted at the story's humor and voice. The story is supposed to be humorous, and Helen is kind of a goofy and quirky MC. Communicating voice and humor in a query without coming across as silly feels like such a fine line. But the point is taken. 

 

What about this? 

 

Helen, twenty-nine, has a hallucinogen-induced voice in her head and a dating history of epic fails. She wonders if she’s a mystic and casts a love spell to make the universe manifest her soul mate.



#4 theboldfox

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Posted 30 January 2017 - 11:38 AM

I kind of agree that the hook could be stronger. It's more about the set up than the conflict of your story. What's at the heart of your story?

 

Maybe...

 

When Helen thinks the voice in her head makes her a mystic, she casts a love spell to reverse a lifetime of epic dating fails. (now you need to add something that gets the conflict going) 


Good karma! Please have a look at my query if you have a moment: http://agentquerycon...s-ya-dystopian/


#5 Kat_A_Turner

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Posted 30 January 2017 - 12:15 PM

Thanks for the suggestion!

 

What about...

 

Helen thinks that the magic mushroom-induced voice in her head might make her a mystic, so she casts a love spell to stop her history of epic dating fails and make the universe manifest her soul mate—a choice that could break her heart or end her life. 



#6 theboldfox

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Posted 05 March 2017 - 12:05 PM

Seems a little wordy to me. I like snappy hooks, but that's just me.


Good karma! Please have a look at my query if you have a moment: http://agentquerycon...s-ya-dystopian/


#7 AnnDayleview

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Posted 05 March 2017 - 12:20 PM

Why is it so important to include "shroom" in the hook? It might be nice to have the agent curious about why she is hearing voices. When you add "so" and "might" it slows down the pacing, and you want the hook to be super punchy. The "end her life" phase is a little passive, try changing it to something more active like "kill her".

 

I really like theboldfox's recommendation. Maybe try combining it with the last part of yours.



#8 DogHugger

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 12:52 PM

I'm into these types of stories and I think this has a lot of potential. There's just a few cracks in the foundation. 

 

The first issue that popped out to me is that she thinks she's a mystic. I write about and have friends in the metaphysical/occult community, so I have an understanding of what a mystic is, but I'm not sure that the average person does. So I googled and found this simple explanation: 

 

"a person who seeks by contemplation and self-surrender to obtain unity with or absorption into the Deity or the absolute, or who believes in the spiritual apprehension of truths that are beyond the intellect."

 

The average person could look this up and assume that a mystic is a deep-thinker on spirituality, not necessarily someone who casts spells. So for the sake of reference, does Helen actually think she's a mystic? How does she come to this conclusion? I'm asking because from this thread title I assume this is contemporary romance and therefore grounded in our reality. Or is it magical realism? Once we get this foundation dealt with, I think I can help you create a snappy hook.  :smile:  Feel free to PM me. 



#9 Niambi

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Posted 11 March 2017 - 12:48 AM

Thanks for the suggestion!

 

What about...

 

Helen thinks that the magic mushroom-induced voice in her head might make her a mystic, so she casts a love spell to stop her history of epic dating fails and make the universe manifest her soul mate—a choice that could break her heart or end her life. 

 

I get a Ghostbusters-opening-the-doors-to-hell kind of vibe!  I like it but keep the words down to a minimum and make the story clear.

 

We can learn about her "history of epic dating fails" by reading what she wants.  You can just tell us about her spell casting and drug taking quickly, then move on to the rest of the good stuff.

 

e.g.

 

Magic mushrooms do not a sorceress make, and 29-year-old Helen learned this when her failed love spell sends her intended soulmate to the bowels of hell!

 

p.s. we always get the urge to add in a bunch of details, but the hook is only for hooking, and drawing folks in. 



#10 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 05:28 AM

I really liked the quirky wordings in the first version.

 

However, there is nothing hooky about it.

 

I guess you can hint at what happens when the soulmate manifests.

Is he what she wanted? Or is he something that she regrets? Or is their something wild going on with her like an unexpected emotion of motherhood (since she created him)?

 

That would make a better hook IMHO






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