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THE BLOOD BLADE (YA fantasy)- will reciprocate critique- New Draft at #4


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#1 Rykter

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Posted 25 January 2017 - 04:25 AM

Hi everyone- this is my second attempt at a synopsis, but I am still quite new to this process and welcome any and all help. I will return the favor!

 

 

In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old Prince Arek, alone since the death of his parents eight years ago, longs to find his place in the world and dreams to once again be a part of a family. Set to become the king on his next birthday, he hopes he can one day be the leader his parents would have been proud of. When he stumbles upon evidence of the Lord Regent’s plan to usurp the throne, he puts a target on his back. The Lord Regent hires an assassin named Rykter, to kill the prince. What both assassin and target don’t know, is that they are the same person, fragmented by his parents’ murders and his mother’s magic. 

 

When Rykter goes to the royal chambers to kill the prince, he cannot find him. Instead, he takes his mask off in a mirror, and Rykter and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. This meeting awakens both of them to the other’s existence and the reality that they are in danger. Prince Arek also learns he has an aunt and uncle, and he flees with a handful of protectors for the sanctuary they can provide.

 

The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to kill him and wrest the crown he covets from his corpse. Also on the hunt for the prince is a horde of mutated creatures who also desire the prince’s crown; not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For in his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that created the creatures.

 

When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders. Prince Arek must push past his fears about the assassin within him and allow Rykter to take over. Because it is Rykter’s powers and deadly Blood Blade that is needed. Many die, but Rykter is able to turn the tide of the battle.

 

Prince Arek is devastated by the death of several of his friends, but he survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. So too have arrived the mutated creatures known as the Dragonspawn. Surrounding the desert city, the savage monsters storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city appears lost. But Prince Arek uses the Eye of the Dragon to strike down the leader of the Dragonspawn, turning him to ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the power of the stone, retreat. 

 

With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents and many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself.



#2 jphollis

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Posted 26 January 2017 - 11:02 AM

Hi everyone- this is my second attempt at a synopsis, but I am still quite new to this process and welcome any and all help. I will return the favor!

 

 

In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old Prince Arek, alone since the death of his parents eight years ago, longs to find his place in the world and dreams to once again be a part of a family (A little long for a first sentence. I would lose either 'longs to find his place in the world' or 'dreams to once again be part of a family'. Actually, I would lose the first one, because it is so vague. At least the second one is a bit more specific). Set to become the king on his next birthday, he hopes he can one day be the leader his parents would have been proud of (I hate ending sentences with a preposition. could you maybe just say 'he hope to make them proud'?). When he stumbles upon evidence of the Lord Regent’s plan to usurp the throne, he puts a target on his back (This is an ambiguous pronoun. Is 'He' Prince Arek or the Lord Regent?). The Lord Regent hires an assassin named Rykter, to kill the prince. What both assassin and target don’t know, is that they are the same person, fragmented by his parents’ murders and his mother’s magic. 

 

When Rykter goes to the royal chambers to kill the prince, he cannot find him. Instead, he takes his mask off in a mirror, and Rykter and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. This meeting awakens both of them to the other’s existence and the reality that they are in danger ('And the reality they are in danger' just falls flat for me.)Prince Arek also learns he has an aunt and uncle, and he flees with a handful of protectors for the sanctuary they can provide. (This is the second time that the prince has conveniently learned some important information at exactly the right time. I would avoid this by just saying that he flees for sanctuary with his aunt and uncle. I don't think it's important that we know in this synopsis that he just discovered their existence, right?)

 

The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to kill him and wrest the crown he covets from his corpse (sounds more powerful when you erase those three word, right?). Also on the hunt for the prince is a horde of mutated creatures who also desire the prince’s crown; not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For in his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that created the creatures.

 

When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders. Prince Arek pushes past his fears (You are talking about pushing past these fears, like the reader has any idea what you are talking about, This is your first mention that Prince Arek fears the assassin inside of him. We need to know this earlier) about the assassin within him and allow Rykter to take over. Because it is Rykter’s powers and deadly Blood Blade that is needed (I recommend rewriting this sentence so it's not in passive voice). Many die, but Rykter is able to turn the tide of the battle.

 

Prince Arek is devastated by the death of several of his friends, but he survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. So too have arrived the mutated creatures known as the Dragonspawn. Surrounding the desert city, the savage monsters storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city appears lost. But Prince Arek uses the Eye of the Dragon to strike down the leader of the Dragonspawn, turning him to ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the power of the stone, retreat. 

 

With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents and many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself.

 

Overall I think this summarizes the story well. Good structure and not too many names so I was able to keep the story in my head pretty well. I did feel like the horde of monsters came out of left field a bit, but I'm not sure how you could fix that.

 

If you have time, I'd appreciate if you had a look at my synopsis as well.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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My Blog: jphollis.com


#3 Nonicks

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Posted 27 January 2017 - 08:35 AM

Hi everyone- this is my second attempt at a synopsis, but I am still quite new to this process and welcome any and all help. I will return the favor!

 

 

In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old Prince Arek, alone since the death of his parents eight years ago, longs to find his place in the world and dreams to once again be a part of a family. Set to become the king on his next birthday, he hopes he can one day be the leader his parents would have been proud of. When he stumbles upon evidence of the Lord Regent’s plan to usurp the throne, he puts a target on his back.(who is "he"?) The Lord Regent hires an assassin named Rykter, to kill the prince. What both assassin and target don’t know, is that they are the same person, fragmented by his parents’ murders and his mother’s magic. 

 

When Rykter goes to the royal chambers to kill the prince, he cannot find him. Instead, he takes his mask off in a mirror, and Rykter and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. This meeting awakens both of them to the other’s existence and the reality that they are in danger. (it's not bad, but what's missing for me is some sort of connection between these two sentences. Prince Arek and Rykter are the same person, and all of a sudden Arek learn that he has aunt and uncle. "Also learn", also means in addition to the previous info, but you can't add these two together...)Prince Arek also learns he has an aunt and uncle, and he flees with a handful of protectors for the sanctuary they can provide.

 

The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to kill him and wrest the crown he covets from his corpse. Also on the hunt for the prince is a horde of mutated creatures who also desire the prince’s crown; not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For in his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that created the creatures.

 

When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders. Prince Arek must pushes past his fears about the assassin within him and allow Rykter to takes over. Because it is Rykter’s powers and deadly Blood Blade that is needed. (that's obvious)Many die, but Rykter is able to turn the tide of the battle.

 

Prince Arek is devastated by the death of several of his friends, (you didn't mention these friends before, so they don't seem like an important information)but he survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. So too have arrived the mutated creatures known as the Dragonspawn. Surrounding the desert city, the savage monsters storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city appears lost. But Prince Arek uses the Eye of the Dragon to strike down the leader of the Dragonspawn, turning him to ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the power of the stone, retreat. 

 

With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents and many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself.

 

I like it! This is a clear, easy to follow synopsis. And I like the end, it has that sort of "aww" effect. :)

 

But I'm still with my query :/ so if you can, please take a look - link



#4 Rykter

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Posted 27 January 2017 - 03:45 PM

Good Points both jphollis and Nonicks. I will work on your critiques today or tomorrow. I made some revisions and think this version is a lot better. I pulled a good bit from my query at the start. Please let me know what you think and I will return the favor!

 

 

 

In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old PRINCE AREK, orphaned as a child, wishes he had time to make friends and create some sort of family unit. But Prince Arek has a lot to learn before he takes the throne on his next birthday. Including the fact that when he thinks he’s sleeping, he’s actually prowling the rooftops of the city as RYKTER, one of the best assassins in Troander. Although an unstoppable force, he’s a slave to his deadly Blood Blade, addicted to the power and strength it provides him.

 

When the Lord Regent, determined to usurp the throne, hires Rykter to assassinate Prince Arek, everything changes as the two worlds collide. Rykter can’t find the prince in the royal chambers. He removes his mask in front of a mirror, and he and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. Confused and unsure who he can trust, the prince flees the kingdom. With a handful of protectors, he races to reach his aunt and uncle and the sanctuary they can provide.

 

The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to wrest the crown from the prince’s corpse. Also on the hunt for the prince are monstrous beings who desire the prince’s crown as well; not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For in his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that created the creatures.

 

Along the way, Prince Arek struggles with the knowledge he is a killer. Worse, he has no control over when the assassin will emerge or what he will do as Rykter. He dreads waking up and discovering he has killed all of his allies. Sleep comes with difficulty.

 

When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders. Prince Arek pushes past his fears about the assassin within him and allows Rykter to take over. Because while Prince Arek can do little to ebb the tide of soldiers, Rykter’s powers and deadly Blood Blade are crucial to the army’s defeat.

 

Though several of his allies die, Prince Arek survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. Soon after, the savage monsters known as the Dragonspawn arrive as well. Surrounding the desert city, the beasts storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city appears lost. But Prince Arek, unlocking the power of the Eye of the Dragon, strikes down the leader of the Dragonspawn, turning him to ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the emanations of the stone, retreat. 

 

With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents and many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself.



#5 Nonicks

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Posted 28 January 2017 - 08:46 AM

Good Points both jphollis and Nonicks. I will work on your critiques today or tomorrow. I made some revisions and think this version is a lot better. I pulled a good bit from my query at the start. Please let me know what you think and I will return the favor!

 

 

 

In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old PRINCE AREK, orphaned as a child, wishes he had time to make friends and be a part create some sort of a family unit.(your previous opening line was better. "some sort of" sounds amateurish)  But Prince Arek has a lot to learn before he takes the throne on his next birthday. Including the fact that when he thinks he’s sleeping, he’s actually prowling the rooftops of the city as RYKTER, one of the best (that weakens the sentence. Is he THE best? Otherwise, why do you mention this?)assassins in Troander. Although an unstoppable force, he’s a slave to his deadly Blood Blade, addicted to the power and strength it provides him.(I didn't like this opening paragraph. I think the one you had in your previous version was better. Here you have sentences like "ha has a lot to learn" that actually don't mean anything and only add word count) 

 

When the Lord Regent, determined to usurp the throne, hires Rykter to assassinate Prince Arek, everything changes as the two worlds collide. Rykter can’t find the prince in the royal chambers. He removes his mask in front of a mirror, and he and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. Confused and unsure who he can trust, the prince flees the kingdom. With a handful of protectors, he races to reach his aunt and uncle and the sanctuary they can provide.

 

The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to wrest the crown from the prince’s corpse. Also on the hunt for the prince are monstrous beings who desire the prince’s crown as well; not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For in his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that created the creatures.

 

Along the way, Prince Arek struggles with the knowledge he is a killer. Worse, he has no control over when the assassin will emerge or what he will do as Rykter. He dreads waking up and discovering he has killed all of his allies. Sleep comes with difficulty. (Why did you add this? You show his fears the next paragraph, and it's always better to show than to tell)

 

When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders. Prince Arek pushes past his fears about the assassin within him and allows Rykter to take over. Because while Prince Arek can do little to ebb the tide of soldiers, (this is unnecessary, we understand this from your story) Rykter’s powers and deadly Blood Blade are crucial to the army’s defeat.

 

Though several of his allies die, Prince Arek survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. Soon after, the savage monsters known as the Dragonspawn(maybe you should add this when the monsters are first mentioned. I mean, this is the end of the synopsis...) arrive as well. Surrounding the desert city, the beasts storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city appears lost. But Prince Arek, unlocking the power of the Eye of the Dragon, strikes down the leader of the Dragonspawn, turning him to ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the emanations of the stone, retreat. 

 

With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents and many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself. (but what happens to Lord Regent?)

 

So I think you had a nice synopsis and you did what you've done with your query, you revised it and added some unimportant information. :-/ I think you should get to your first revision.

 

And thank you for comments on my query, I'll be happy to if you take a look at my latest revision - link 



#6 Patomac

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 09:51 PM

In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old PRINCE AREK, orphaned as a child, wishes he had time to make friends and create some sort of family unit. I get that this is your introduction to your character, but it doesn't really tell me much, so I don't know that it's strictly necessary. After all, who doesn't want to make friends and have a family?But Prince Arek has a lot to learn before he takes the throne on his next birthday. Including the fact that when he thinks he’s sleeping, he’s actually prowling the rooftops of the city as RYKTER, one of the best assassins in Troander. Although an unstoppable force, he’s a slave to his deadly Blood Blade, addicted to the power and strength it provides him.

 

When the Lord Regent, determined to usurp the throne, hires Rykter to assassinate Prince Arek, everything changes as the two worlds collide. Rykter can’t find the prince in the royal chambers. He removes his mask in front of a mirror, and he and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. Dumb question-- and maybe totally out of scope for a synopsis, but why hasn't this happened before? Confused and unsure who he can trust, the prince flees the kingdom. With a handful of protectors, he races to reach his aunt and uncle and the sanctuary they can provide.

 

The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to wrest the crown from the prince’s corpse. Also on the hunt for the prince are monstrous beings who desire the prince’s crown as well; , not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For in his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that created the creatures.

 

Along the way, Prince Arek struggles with the knowledge he is a killer. Worse, he has no control over when the assassin will emerge or what he will do as Rykter. He dreads waking up and discovering he has killed all of his allies. Sleep comes with difficulty.

When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders. Prince Arek pushes past his fears about the assassin within him and allows Rykter to take over. Because while Prince Arek can do little to ebb the tide of soldiers, Rykter’s powers and deadly Blood Blade are crucial to the army’s defeat.

 

Though several of his allies die, Prince Arek (does he defeat the army or just sneak away?) survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. Soon after, the savage monsters known as the Dragonspawn arrive as well. Surrounding the desert city, the beasts storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city appears lost. But Prince Arek, unlocking the power of the Eye of the Dragon hidden in his crown (or something, since I deleted that sentence earlier you'd have to fix it here, too), strikes down the leader of the Dragonspawn, turning him to ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the emanations of the stone, retreat.  'Emanations' feels like such a weird word. Is there a better one? Maybe just magic?

 

With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents and many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself. This is a smaller issue, but when did he find the friends he wanted? You may have cut it for brevity as part of the synopsis, but the family part is obvious (Aunt and Uncle), the friends part is not. Also, what happened to the Lord Regent? Is he still back in Troander holding Arek's crown?

 

Hey, so I think your synopsis is pretty solid. I could just use a little more detail in key places.



#7 dragoness

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 05:12 AM

Hi  :smile: ,

 

I think you content is great, but the sentences' structure sometimes disturbs the fluent reading. I don't know if you're still working on the synopsis, but maybe you'd like to see some suggestions:

 

In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old PRINCE AREK, orphaned as a child, wishes he had time to make friends, and create some sort of family unit.   but he has a lot to learn. Before he takes the throne on his next birthdayPrince Arek has also to learn that when he thinks he’s sleeping, he’s actually prowling the rooftops of the city as RYKTER, one of the best assassins in Troander. Although an unstoppable force, he’s a slave to his deadly Blood Blade, addicted to the power and strength it provides him.

 

When the Lord Regent, determined to usurp the throne, hires Rykter to assassinate Prince Arek, everything changes. As the two worlds collide, Rykter can’t find the prince in the royal chambers. He removes his mask in front of a mirror, and he and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. Confused and unsure who he can trust, the prince flees the kingdom. With a handful of protectors, he races to reach his aunt and uncle and the sanctuary they can provide.

 

The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to wrest the crown from the prince’s corpse. Also on the hunt for the prince are monstrous beings who desire the prince’s crown as well; not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For in his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that can defeat created the creatures. (focus on its relevance now)

 

Along the way, Prince Arek struggles with the knowledge he is a killer. Worse, he has no control over when the assassin will emerge, or what he will do as Rykter. He dreads waking up and discovering he has killed all of his allies. Sleep comes with difficulty.

 

When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders. Prince Arek pushes past his fears about the assassin within him and allows Rykter to take over. Because While Prince Arek can do little to ebb the tide of soldiers, Rykter’s powers and deadly Blood Blade are crucial to the army’s defeat.

 

Though several of his allies die, Prince Arek survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. Soon after, the savage monsters known as the Dragonspawn arrive as well. Surrounding the desert city, the beasts storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city appears lost. But Prince Arek, unlocking the power of the Eye of the Dragon, strikes down the leader of the Dragonspawn, turning him to ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the emanations of the stone, retreat. 

 

With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents and (to late to bring then into the story now) many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself. (Great! Good ending, with potential of series.)

 

I'd thank you if you'd like to look at my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#8 KitCampbell

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 12:58 PM

Hello!

Good Points both jphollis and Nonicks. I will work on your critiques today or tomorrow. I made some revisions and think this version is a lot better. I pulled a good bit from my query at the start. Please let me know what you think and I will return the favor!

 

 

 

In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old PRINCE AREK, orphaned as a child, wishes he had time to make friends and create some sort of family unit. But Prince Arek has a lot to learn before he takes the throne on his next birthday. Including the fact that when he thinks he’s sleeping, he’s actually prowling the rooftops of the city as RYKTER, one of the best assassins in Troander. Although an unstoppable force, he’s a slave to his deadly Blood Blade, addicted to the power and strength it provides him.

 

When the Lord Regent (capitals), determined to usurp the throne, hires Rykter to assassinate Prince Arek, everything changes as the two worlds collide. Rykter can’t find the prince in the royal chambers. He removes his mask in front of a mirror, and he and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. Confused and unsure who he can trust, the prince flees the kingdom. With a handful of protectors, he races to reach his aunt and uncle and the sanctuary they can provide.

 

The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to wrest the crown from the prince’s corpse. Also on the hunt for the prince are monstrous beings who desire the prince’s crown as well; (not a semi-colon here--second part isn't a complete thought. Em-dash maybe?) not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For in his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that created the creatures.

 

Along the way, Prince Arek struggles with the knowledge he is a killer. Worse, he has no control over when the assassin will emerge or what he will do as Rykter. He dreads waking up and discovering he has killed all of his allies. Sleep comes with difficulty.

 

When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders. Prince Arek pushes past his fears about the assassin within him and allows Rykter to take over. Because while Prince Arek can do little to ebb the tide of soldiers, Rykter’s powers and deadly Blood Blade are crucial to the army’s defeat.

 

Though several of his allies die, Prince Arek survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. Soon after, the savage monsters known as the Dragonspawn (I feel like this information should be up when they're first mentioned) arrive as well. Surrounding the desert city, the beasts storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city appears lost. But Prince Arek, unlocking the power of the Eye of the Dragon, strikes down the leader of the Dragonspawn, turning him to an ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the emanations of the stone, retreat. 

 

With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents and many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself.

I'm still a little unclear about how the Arek/Rykter thing gets cleared up. Is it just by accepting that Rykter is part of him?



#9 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:52 PM

Great story about the good an evil in all of us! I think that you can sharpen it up with further revision and it will be a smoother read.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Perhaps you can take a look at my synopsis, RIVER PLATE BASIN. 

 

 

 

In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old PRINCE AREK, orphaned as a child, wishes he had time to make friends and create some sort of family unit. But Prince Arek he has a lot to learn before he takes the throne on his next birthday. Including the fact that when he thinks he’s sleeping, he’s actually prowling the rooftops of the city as RYKTER, one of the best assassins in Troander. Although an unstoppable force, he’s Rykter is a slave to his deadly Blood Blade, addicted to the power and strength it provides him.

 

When the Lord Regent, who is determined to usurp the throne, hires Rykter to assassinate Prince Arek, everything changes as the two worlds collide. (What a great set-up!) Rykter can’t find the prince in the royal chambers. He removes his mask in front of a mirror, and he and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. Confused and unsure who he can trust, the prince flees the kingdom. With a handful of protectors, he races to reach his aunt and uncle and the sanctuary they can provide. I think you need to build on the idea of trust, or lack of it. Does Arek know that Regent hired Rykter to kill him? If so, then that knowledge is the source of the distrust. Right?

 

The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to wrest the crown from the prince’s corpse. What is the pretext for Regent's plot to kill Arek? Wouldn't that be insurrection? Also on the hunt for the prince are monstersrous beings who desire the prince’s crown as well; not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For i In his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that created the creatures. Does Arek know this?

 

Along the way, Prince Arek struggles with the knowledge that he is a killer. Worse, he has no control over when the assassin will emerge or what he will do as Rykter. He dreads waking up and discovering he has killed all of his allies. Sleep comes with difficulty..

 

When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers guarantee that they will overpower are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders and butcher them. Prince Arek pushes past his fears about the assassin within him and allows Rykter to take over. Because w While Prince Arek can do little to ebb the tide of battle soldiers, Rykter’s powers and the deadly Blood Blade are the difference between defeat and victorycrucial to the army’s defeat. In the end, Arek and his men prevail over the larger force.

 

Though several of his allies die, Prince Arek survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. Soon after, the savage monsters known as the Dragonspawn Presumably these are the monsters from the third para, right? If so, you should name them when they are introduced. arrive as well. Surrounding the desert city, the beasts storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city All appears lost. But Prince Arek, unlocking the power of the Eye of the Dragon, strikes down the leader of the Dragonspawn, turning him to ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the emanations of the stone, retreat. 

 

With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents The subject of his parents has not come up in the entire synopsis, and should not be thrown in at the last minute. Because he was orphaned as a child, I assumed that he had no recollection of them.  and many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself.



#10 JeffJustWrites

JeffJustWrites

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:10 AM

Good Points both jphollis and Nonicks. I will work on your critiques today or tomorrow. I made some revisions and think this version is a lot better. I pulled a good bit from my query at the start. Please let me know what you think and I will return the favor!
 
 
 
In the Kingdom of Troander, seventeen-year-old PRINCE AREK, orphaned as a child, wishes he had time to make friends and create some sort of family unit. But Prince Arek has a lot to learn before he takes the throne on his next birthday. Including the fact that when he thinks he’s sleeping, he’s actually prowling the rooftops of the city as RYKTER, one of the best most notorious assassins in Troander. Although an unstoppable force, he’s a slave to the Blood Blade, addicted to the power and deadly strength it bequeaths him. I moved 'deadly,' I feel that 'THE Blood Blade' has a bit more oomph. Never anything wrong with oomph.
 
Everything changes when the Lord Regent, determined to usurp the throne, hires Rykter to assassinate Prince , everything changes as the two worlds collide. Rykter can’t find the prince in the royal chambers. He removes his mask in front of a mirror, and he and Prince Arek meet face to face for the first time. Confused and unsure who he can trust, the prince flees the kingdom. With a handful of protectors, he races to reach his aunt and uncle and the sanctuary they can provide.
 
The Lord Regent sends an army of soldiers after the prince with orders to wrest the crown from the prince’s his corpse. Also on the hunt for the prince are monstrous beings who desire the prince’s crown as well; not for the power it represents, but for the powerful artifact hidden among its many gemstones. For in his crown, the prince carries the Eye of the Dragon, the mystic stone that created the creatures. Intrigue. I dig it!
 
Along the way, Prince Arek struggles with the knowledge he is a killer. Worse, he has no control over when the assassin will emerge or what he will do as Rykter. He dreads waking up and discovering he has killed all of his allies. Sleep comes with difficulty.
 
When the Lord Regent’s army catches up to the prince, their overwhelming numbers are sure to butcher him and his small group of defenders. Prince Arek pushes past his fears about the assassin within him and allows Rykter to take over. Because while Prince Arek can do little to ebb the tide of soldiers, Rykter’s powers and deadly Blood Blade are crucial to the army’s defeat.
 
Though several of his allies die, Prince Arek survives and reaches his aunt and uncle. Soon after, the savage monsters known as Dragonspawn arrive as well. Surrounding the desert city, the beasts storm the walls and tear down the city’s defenses. The city appears lost. But Prince Arek, unlocking the power of within the Eye of the Dragon, strikes down the leader of the Dragonspawn's leader, turning him to ash that rains down upon the city. The rest of the creatures, vulnerable to the emanations of the stone, retreat. 
 
With the monsters defeated, the desert city holds a ceremony to honor the prince. His aunt and uncle offer him a home in the city until he is old enough to return to Troander and reclaim his throne. Though Prince Arek is still sad about the loss of his parents and many who sought to protect him, he has found the friends and family he yearned for. He has also accepted the assassin within and found a balance between the two divergent parts of himself.


I agree with a post I saw above; I think a crucial part of this synopsis SHOULD be how Arek and Rykter reconcile their parity. Is the Eye of the Dragon a factor? That's actually what drew me into the story, so very well done! Most of my edits are just tidying things up I guess, but you've got a great voice. Interested to see where this goes, man!

If you get a minute I could REALLY use some input on my own synopsis, THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE. Much appreciated!

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 





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