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Red-Eyed Daniel (will return the favor)


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#1 Nonicks

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 05:41 AM

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture visits a doctor to treat his skin condition, he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes.

 

And he wakes up in a parallel universe, haunted by demons. Daniel discovers that while he was unconscious, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking skeleton pierce a woman’s shoulder and realizes that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself.

 

To gain the knowledge of fighting demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But on his first night Daniel and his roommates wake up for the Chief Commander’s investigation: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby. But soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were now stolen from the Commander.

 

Daniel and his new friend suspect that the thief is the class bully. He wanders about during their guard duty, and they give chase, but accidentally find themselves in a nearby pub full of demons. In this very pub Daniel spots the kidnapper.

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch Guy red-handed, using the blueprints to recreate the Pyramid Diamond.

 

When they enter the pub, it’s not the class bully who they find, but David. He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints. Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he wasn’t doing him a favor, on the contrary—these eyes were used as a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time. And now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus.

 

Asmodeus tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy, which he will gain using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him and in exchange for his mother’s life to join his army of demons.

 

Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his demonic eyes. He takes out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed and Daniel loses his conscious.

 

When he wakes up, he can see with only one eyes because the other one was beyond repair. The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and his mother is probably safe.

 

But the Chief Commander also tells him about his grandparents that are alive and would like to get to know him. Daniel leaves the academy to stay with his grandparents, knowing that no matter who will try to kill him in the future, it won’t be that easy because now he is much stronger.



#2 jphollis

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 11:28 AM

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture visits a doctor to treat his skin condition, he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes.

 

And (This 'And' feels abrupt here. I feel like you could erase ot and lose nothing.) he wakes up (Maybe, instead of saying the 'And' at the beginning of this sentence, instead say, "He wakes up from the procedure...") in a parallel universe, haunted by demons. Daniel discovers that while he was unconscious, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking skeleton pierce a woman’s shoulder and realizes that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself. (This last sentence is pretty confusing. Is the woman supposed to be his mother or just a random stranger. Also, is the walking skeleton a demon? It's unclear. Also, pircing a woman's shoulder is pretty specific, but the actual imagery is missing something. He pierces her, but with what? A sword? A knife? His pointy tail? See? It's specific but still vague. And why has he only just now realized that he can't battle his mother's kidnapper? I mean, he knows that the kidnapper is a demon. He has this knowledge. Did he think it was going to be easy until this exact moment?)

 

To gain the knowledge of fighting demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But on his first night Daniel and his roommates wake up for the Chief Commander’s investigation: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby. But soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were now stolen from the Commander. (Several questions. First, the way it is worded, it sounds like Daniel and his roommates woke up to help with the investigation, like they were planning on it. Maybe it's better to say that they wake up to the investigation. Are they suspects or helping with the investigation. If it;s the first then the investigation will wake them up. If it's the latter, that doesn't feel believable because they are fresh recruits. I mean it's their very first night, right? Second, what is a Pyramid Diamond. I feel like if you just gave the briefest summary of what this is, it would be super helpful. If the reader isn't meant to know what it is yet, maybe say that Daniel doesn't understand what these words mean.)

 

Daniel and his new friend suspect that the thief is the class bully. He wanders about during their guard duty, and they give chase, but accidentally find themselves in a nearby pub full of demons. In this very pub Daniel spots the kidnapper.

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch Guy red-handed, using the blueprints to recreate the Pyramid Diamond. (This is confusing. They were in the pub, but they left? Did the kidnapper escape or did Daniel just not give chase. If so, why? And where did they catch this bee demon? And how is catching the bee demon supposed to help them catch the Guy redhanded. And who is Guy? The bully or the demon? And again, what is a Pyramid Diamond?)

 

When they enter the pub, it’s not the class bully who they find, but David. (So they go back to the pub? And who is David. Ok, so I read back through the synopsis again. He was the doctor who gave him the eyes. But I had already forgotten his name. Maybe just say Dr. David or something to help the reader remember easily.) He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints. Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he wasn’t doing him a favor, (You need a period or a semi-colon here, not a comma) on the contrary—these eyes were used as a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time. And now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus.

 

Asmodeus tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy, which he will gain using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him and in exchange for his mother’s life to join his army of demons. (So was Asmodeus the demon who kidnapped his mother? I thought Daniel saw him in the pub. Or did he see David in the pub? If so, why didn't he recognize him? Was he in a disguise? Is David a demon too?)

 

Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his demonic eyes. He takes out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed and Daniel loses his conscious. ("Daniel loses consciousness")

 

When he wakes up, he can see with only one eyes because the other one was beyond repair. The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and his mother is probably safe. (Probably safe? Probably? That doesn't feel very reassuring.)

 

But the Chief Commander also tells him about his grandparents that are alive and would like to get to know him. Daniel leaves the academy to stay with his grandparents, knowing that no matter who will try to kill him in the future, it won’t be that easy because now he is much stronger. (This ending does not feel vey satisfying. His mother is probably safe. He is with grandparents who feel like a deus ex machina. And saying he is much stronger feels too vague.)

Unlike my first draft, I think your basic structure is fine. But there are many details that I did not feel were explained well. Also, some of the transitions between paragraphs were confusing (e.g. Going into the pub, catching the bee demon, and going back to the pub again). 

 

I'll keep an eye out for you next draft. Hope my comments were helpful.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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#3 Nonicks

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 05:04 PM

Thank you jphollis! Is this clearer?

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture visits a doctor to treat his skin condition, he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes.

 

He wakes up in a parallel universe, haunted by demons. Daniel discovers that while he was unconscious, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking skeleton with sharp nails pierce a woman’s shoulder and realizes that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself.

 

To gain the knowledge of fighting demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But the Chief Commander roll calls in the middle of the first night: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby. Soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a secret device called the Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were stolen from the Commander. Daniel is convinced that his mother was kidnapped because she had classified information about the Diamond.

 

Daniel and his new friend suspect that the thief is the class bully, who wanders about during their guard duty. They give chase, but accidently find themselves near a pub full of demons. Peeking into the pub, Daniel spots the kidnapper, but he’s not allowed to enter because only demons or humans accompanied by demons can.  

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch the bully red-handed, helping the kidnapper to recreate the Pyramid Diamond. When they enter the pub, it’s not the bully who they find, but David, the doctor who implanted Daniel his eyes. He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints. Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he wasn’t doing him a favor. On the contrary—these eyes were used as a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time. And now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus.

 

Asmodeus tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy, which he will gain using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him, and in exchange for his mother’s life to join his army of demons.

 

Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his demonic eyes. He takes out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed and Daniel loses consciousness.

 

When he wakes up, he can see with only one eye because the other one was beyond repair. The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and as long as Daniel is not caught his mother would be safe.

 

When Daniel gets back to the academy, students look at him with fear and admiration. Though his mother is still held hostage, Daniel’s battle with the demon has made him stronger: he will plot the best attack so the next time he fights Azazel, Daniel will save his mother and will come out victorious.



#4 jphollis

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Posted 30 January 2017 - 02:18 AM

Thank you jphollis! Is this clearer?

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture visits a doctor to treat his skin condition, he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes.

 

He wakes up in a parallel universe, haunted by demons. Daniel discovers that while he was unconscious, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking skeleton with sharp nails pierce a woman’s shoulder and realizes that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself. (So I'm still not sure if the waliing skeleton is a demon or some other creature in this parallel world. I know it sounds nice and it sucks to repeat 'demon' again and again, but I've just been introduced to this world. How am I supposed to know that it's only demons?)

 

To gain the knowledge of fighting demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But the Chief Commander roll calls in the middle of the first night: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby (much clearer.). Soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a secret device called the Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were stolen from the Commander. Daniel is convinced that his mother was kidnapped because she had classified information about the Diamond. (Much, much better. I can get a sense of what Daniel is thinking as these new revelations come to light.)

 

Daniel and his new friend suspect that the thief is the class bully, who wanders about during their guard duty. They give chase, but accidently find themselves near a pub full of demons. Peeking into the pub, Daniel spots the kidnapper, but he’s not allowed to enter because only demons or humans accompanied by demons can.  (Clearer, but that last sentence is a bit wordy. You need to keep it for clarification's sake, but can you edit it to feel smoother?)

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch the bully red-handed (Wait. The bully was in the pub too. The way it was worded, I thought they initially chased after the bully but ended up near this pub where they accidentally saw the kidnapper inside), helping the kidnapper to recreate the Pyramid Diamond. When they enter the pub, it’s not the bully who they find, but David, the doctor who implanted Daniel his eyes. He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints (This still confuses me, as you said they chased after the bully but it turned out to be David. Was David wearing some sort of disguise? How did they mistake David for the bully?). Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he wasn’t doing him a favor. On the contrary—these eyes were used as a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time. And now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus.

 

Asmodeus tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy, which he will gain using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him, and in exchange for his mother’s life to join his army of demons. (Last sentence is a tiny bit confusing. I can't tell exactly whether it is Daniel or his mother joining his army of demons. I mean, I assume it's Daniel, but the way it's worded doesn't make that crystal clear.)

 

Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his demonic eyes. He takes out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed and Daniel loses consciousness.

 

When he wakes up, he can see with only one eye because the other one was beyond repair. The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and as long as Daniel is not caught his mother would be safe. (Better.)

 

When Daniel gets back to the academy, students look at him with fear and admiration. Though his mother is still held hostage, Daniel’s battle with the demon has made him stronger: he will plot the best attack so the next time he fights Azazel, Daniel will save his mother and will come out victorious. (Much better ending too.)

Definitely an improvement. I'll keep an eye out for your next draft. You've helped me so much with my synopsis and query that I'm going to help you get this synopsis into shape!


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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#5 Nonicks

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Posted 30 January 2017 - 06:01 AM

Thanks, jphollis! Here's another version. I tried to clarify what wasn't clear. Is it better? Do you see any other clumsy sentences?

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture visits a doctor to treat his skin condition, he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes.

 

He wakes up in a parallel universe, haunted by demons. Daniel discovers that while he was unconscious, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking demon-skeleton with sharp nails pierce a woman’s shoulder and realizes that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself.

 

To gain the knowledge of fighting demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But the Chief Commander roll calls in the middle of the first night: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby. Soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a secret device called the Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were stolen from the Commander. Daniel is convinced that his mother was kidnapped because she had classified information about the Diamond.

 

Daniel and his new friend suspect that the thief is the class bully, after they see his silhouette near their guard booth. They give chase, but accidentally find themselves near a pub full of demons. Peeking into the pub, Daniel spots the kidnapper, but he’s not allowed to enter because only demons or humans accompanied by demons can.  (jphollis, can you elaborate on this sentence? what's not working for you? or do you have an idea how to improve it?)

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch the bully red-handed, helping the kidnapper to recreate the Pyramid Diamond. When they enter the pub, it’s not the bully who they find, but David, the doctor who implanted Daniel his eyes. He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints. Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he wasn’t doing him a favor. On the contrary—these eyes were used as a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time. And now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus.

 

Asmodeus tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy, which he will gain using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him, and in exchange for his mother’s life he offers Daniel to join his army of demons.

 

Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his demonic eyes. He takes out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed and Daniel loses consciousness.

 

When he wakes up, he can see with only one eye because the other one was beyond repair. The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and as long as Daniel is not caught his mother would be safe.

 

When Daniel gets back to the academy, students look at him with fear and admiration. Though his mother is still held hostage, Daniel’s battle with the demon has made him stronger: he will plot the best attack so the next time he fights Azazel, Daniel will save his mother and will come out victorious.



#6 jphollis

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Posted 30 January 2017 - 07:01 PM

 

Thanks, jphollis! Here's another version. I tried to clarify what wasn't clear. Is it better? Do you see any other clumsy sentences?

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture visits a doctor to treat his skin condition, he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes.

 

He wakes up in a parallel universe, haunted by demons. Daniel discovers that while he was unconscious, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking demon-skeleton with sharp nails pierce a woman’s shoulder and realizes that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself. 

 

To gain the knowledge of fighting demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But the Chief Commander roll calls (I think the correct verb form is 'calls roll') in the middle of the first night: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby. Soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a secret device called the Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were stolen from the Commander. Daniel is convinced that his mother was kidnapped because she had classified information about the Diamond.

 

Daniel and his new friend suspect that the thief is the class bully, after they see his silhouette near their guard booth. They give chase, but accidentally find themselves near a pub full of demons. Peeking into the pub, Daniel spots the kidnapper, but he’s not allowed to enter because only demons or humans accompanied by demons can. (The sentence is clearer now. My only concern is the way it's worded. Maybe try something like: Peeking into the demons- only pub, Daniel spots the kidnapper. But to get in and confront him, Daniel needs a demon companion.)

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch the bully red-handed, (I would erase this comma and 'red-handed' as it is quite cliche.) helping the kidnapper to recreate the Pyramid Diamond. When they enter the pub, it’s not the bully who (You can erase this 'who' if you like) they find, but David, the doctor who implanted Daniel his eyes (Strange wording at the end of this sentence. Better to say implanted Daniel's new eyes). He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints (Maybe consider simply saying He was the true thief.). Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he wasn’t doing him a favor. On the contrary—these eyes were used as a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time. And now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus.

 

Asmodeus (Maybe say "Asmodeus appears and tells", because in the previous paragraph you introduced the idea of summoning him, so it makes sense for him to suddenly appear, right?) tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy, which he will gain (Is 'gain' the right word here? Isn't he stealing it from Daniel? Maybe consider saying 'steal' or 'syphon off') using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him (Maybe pass it over willingly, a in the previous sentence his energy would be taken unwillingly), and in exchange for his mother’s life he offers Daniel to join his army of demons. (Actually, after reading this whole sentence again, I would erase the part about Daniel giving his energy over to the demon. I mean, the demon already has the Pyramid Diamond, so making a deal with Daniel to get his energy willingly feels odd. Just say that he makes an offer to spare his mother's life if Daniel joins his army of demons. It's simpler and easier to understand.)

 

Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his demonic eyes. He takes (Saying he simply 'takes' out his eyes makes it sound painless and easy. Maybe say that he yanks out his eyes or something like that) out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed and Daniel loses consciousness.

 

When he wakes up (Where does he wake up? The infirmary?), he can see with only one eye because the other one was beyond repair. The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and as long as Daniel is not caught his mother would (will not 'would') be safe.

 

When Daniel gets back to the academy, students look at him with fear and admiration. Though his mother is still held hostage, Daniel’s battle with the demon has made him stronger: he will plot the best attack so the next time he fights Azazel, Daniel will save his mother and will come out victorious.

 


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

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My Blog: jphollis.com


#7 Patomac

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 12:23 PM

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture visits a doctor to treat his skin condition, he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes. That's a heck of a hook. I love it. :) You might want to say who he trades them to, though. ( he trades his eyes to a demon surgeon).

 

He wakes up in a parallel universe, haunted by demons. Daniel discovers that while he was unconscious, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking demon-skeleton with sharp nails pierce a woman’s shoulder and realizes that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself. I feel like this could be more precise-- this is where Daniel's goal shifts from "run blindly after mom" to "get skills to rescue mom" so maybe something like "Now in the demon world, Daniel realizes he lacks the skills to battle his mother's demon kidnapper" would be more appropriate.

 

To gain the knowledge of fighting demons learn how to fight demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But the Chief Commander roll calls (awkward-- calls roll?) in the middle of the first night: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby. What does this theft have to do with Daniel gaining skills to rescue his mother? Is the theft of the blueprints mentioned later? I think you could cut the whole sentence and not lose comprehension. Soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a secret device called the Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were stolen from the Commander. Daniel is convinced that his mother was kidnapped because she had classified information about the Diamond.

 

Daniel and his new friend suspect that the thief is the class bully, after they see his silhouette near their guard booth. They give chase, but accidentally find themselves near a pub full of demons. Peeking into the pub, Daniel spots the kidnapper, but he’s not allowed to enter because only demons or humans accompanied by demons can. 

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch the bully red-handed, helping the kidnapper to recreate the Pyramid Diamond. When they enter the pub, it’s not the (I think you can leave everything in red out for brevity and summarize by saying that Daniel and friend pursue the bully to a pub, but instead find David, the doctor who implanted Daniel's eyes. He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints. Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he wasn’t doing him a favor. On the contrary—these eyes were used as Daniel's eyes are a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time. track Daniel's movementsAnd now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus. I'm not 100% sure why Daniel is an essential part of summoning Asmodeus. You mention that Asmo wants Daniel's telekinetic energy in the next paragraph. Is that why? If so, I could stand to know why David considers Daniel an integral part of the process.

 

Asmodeus tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy, which he will gain using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him, and in exchange for his mother’s life he offers Daniel to join his army of demons. Awkward phrasing-- Maybe "If Daniel will surrender the energy and join his army of demons, Asmodeus will spare his mother's life."

 

Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his demonic eyes. He takes out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed and Daniel loses consciousness.

 

When he wakes up, he can see with only one eye because the other one was beyond repair. This runs contrary to my expectations-- when Daniel stabbed himself in both eyes, I expected him to go blind, not to miraculously retain sight. So maybe "When he wakes up, Daniel discovers he can still see with one eye" or something nicer sounding The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and as long as Daniel is not caught his mother would be safe.

 

When Daniel gets back to the academy, students look at him with fear and admiration. Though his mother is still held hostage, Daniel’s battle with the demon has made him stronger: he will plot the best attack so the next time he fights Azazel, Daniel will save his mother and will come out victorious. I like the end too.



#8 anathebookworm

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Posted 05 February 2017 - 09:54 AM

 

Thanks, jphollis! Here's another version. I tried to clarify what wasn't clear. Is it better? Do you see any other clumsy sentences?

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture visits a doctor to treat his skin condition you mean acne? If it is, better to just say it. The way it is now, it makes me wonder what might be wrong with his skin, he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure help him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world This is not a very good transition, and while I'm familiar with your manuscript after reading your query, it comes out of nowhere now. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes. This is something that I never understood - why does he trade his eyes? How is this going to help? Is this what the doctor asks for? I'm confused. To me, it just seems random right now that he chooses to sacrifice his eyes.

 

He wakes up in a parallel universe, haunted by demons. Daniel discovers that while he was unconscious, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking demon-skeleton with sharp nails pierce a woman’s shoulder The two sentences here do not connect with each other (at least, I don't think so) and realizes that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself.

 

To gain the knowledge of fighting demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But the Chief Commander roll calls in the middle of the first night: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby. Does he suspect Daniel? If not, I'd just say "But when the Chief Commander roll call in the middle of the night..." Soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a secret device called the Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were stolen from the Commander. Daniel is convinced that his mother was kidnapped because she had classified information about the Diamond.

 

Daniel and his new friend Who? You never mention a friend suspect that the thief is the class bully, after they see his silhouette near their guard booth. They give chase, but accidentally find themselves near a pub full of demons. Peeking into the pub, Daniel spots the kidnapper, but he’s not allowed to enter because only demons or humans accompanied by demons can.  (jphollis, can you elaborate on this sentence? what's not working for you? or do you have an idea how to improve it?)

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch the bully red-handed, helping the kidnapper to recreate the Pyramid DiamondWhen they enter the pub though, it’s not the bully who they find, but David, the doctor who implanted Daniel his eyes. He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints. Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he used wasn’t doing him a favor. On the contrary—these eyes were used as a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time. And now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus. But why did he need Daniel, exactly?

 

Asmodeus tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy, which he will gain using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him, and in exchange for his mother’s life he offers Daniel to join his army of demons.

 

Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his demonic eyes. He takes out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed and Daniel loses consciousness.

 

When he wakes up, he can see with only one eye because the other one was beyond repair I actually expected him to go blinf, but okay.... The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and as long as Daniel is not caught his mother would be safe.

 

When Daniel gets back to the academy, students look at him with fear and admiration. Though his mother is still held hostage, Daniel’s battle with the demon has made him stronger: he will plot the best attack so the next time he fights Azazel, Daniel will save his mother and will come out victorious.

 

 

Good synopsis! Aside from the first paragraph that I don't think worked for me, I think you've done a pretty outstanding job here. Well done! If you have the time, do you think you could take a look at my synopsis as well? Thank you! http://agentquerycon...turn-the-favor/



#9 dragoness

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 03:45 AM

Hi  :smile: ,

 

The synopsis looks pretty clear to me.

 

The main thing I miss here is your voice. I think you can put in the details from your query describing this world- the watches, the warriors, etc. I think your voice is the main thing that would make everyone want to read your book.

 

Another general comment: the demons identities are not clear enough, IMO. Lilith's role is not clear (I think you better mention her again, and tell her name). Is David a demon? if yes, why he has such a name? If not, why does he help the demons? the two figures of Asmodeus and Azazel are confusing, I think you can omit Azazel here.

 

My detailed comments:

 

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture visits a doctor to treat his skin condition (not important, IMO, and takes too much of the hook), he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes. (I think it would be better to write: he discovers she's there not to cure him, but to kidnap his mother to a demon's world.)

 

He wakes up in a penetrates this parallel universe, haunted by demons. Daniel discovers to find that while he was unconscious during the worlds' change, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking demon-skeleton with sharp nails pierce a woman’s shoulder, and realizes (why?) that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself named Lilith.

 

To gain the knowledge of fighting demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But the Chief Commander roll calls in the middle of the first night: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby. Soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a secret device called the Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were stolen from the Commander. Daniel is convinced that his mother was kidnapped because she had classified information about the Diamond. (good)

 

Daniel and his new friend suspect that the thief is the class bully, after they see his silhouette near their guard booth. They give chase, but accidentally find themselves near a pub full of demons. Peeking into the pub, Daniel spots the kidnapper, but he’s not allowed to enter because only demons or humans accompanied by demons can.

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch the bully red-handed, helping the kidnapper to recreate the Pyramid Diamond. When they enter the pub, it’s not the bully who they find, but David, the doctor who implanted Daniel his eyes. He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints. Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he wasn’t doing him a favor. On the contrary—these eyes were used as a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time (why?). And now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete (how?) and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus.

 

Asmodeus tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world, because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy (we should hear about this unique ability when he enters the academy), which he will gain using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him, and in exchange for his mother’s life he offers Daniel to join his army of demons. (better, IMO: He offers Daniel, in exchange for his mother’s life, to pass his energy over to him and join his army of demons.)

 

When Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But , and then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his own demonic eyes. He takes out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed (why?) and Daniel loses consciousness.

 

When he wakes up, he can see with only one eye because the other one was beyond repair. The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and (is only disturbs the plot's description) as long as Daniel is not caught his mother would be safe. When Daniel gets back to the academy, students look at him with fear and admiration. Though his mother is still held hostage, Daniel’s battle with the demon has made him stronger: he will plot the best attack so the next time he fights Azazel, Daniel he will be able to save his mother and will come out victorious. (good, you're preparing the series.) 

 

 

I'd thank you if you'd like to look at my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#10 KitCampbell

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 12:48 PM

Hello! I'll try to be helpful, but I'm still pretty new to the whole synopsis thing.

 

Thanks, jphollis! Here's another version. I tried to clarify what wasn't clear. Is it better? Do you see any other clumsy sentences?

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture (Do names need to be all caps on first use? Or is that archaic advice?) visits a doctor to treat his skin condition, he discovers that she has zero intentions to cure him, and instead kidnaps his mother to a parallel world. For the opportunity to search for his mother, Daniel trades his eyes.

 

He wakes up in a parallel universe, (not sure you need the comma, though I suppose it's the difference between the universe being haunted by demons vs Daniel being haunted by demons. If Daniel, then comma. If universe, then no.) haunted by demons. Daniel discovers that while he was unconscious, a local doctor named David filled his empty eye sockets with artificial red eyes. With these new eyes Daniel sees a walking demon-skeleton with sharp nails pierce a woman’s shoulder and realizes that he is incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper, who is a demon herself.

 

To gain the knowledge of (for?) fighting demons, Daniel enlists in a military academy. But the Chief Commander roll calls in the middle of the first night: something has been stolen and the thief is suspected to be nearby. Soon Daniel overhears a conversation between two teachers and learns that his dead father was once working on the reproduction of a secret device called the Pyramid Diamond, whose blueprints were stolen from the Commander. Daniel is convinced that his mother was kidnapped because she had classified information about the Diamond.

 

Daniel and his new friend suspect that the thief is the class bully, after they see his silhouette near their guard booth. They give chase, but accidentally find themselves near a pub full of demons. Peeking into the pub, Daniel spots the kidnapper, but he’s not allowed to enter because only demons or humans accompanied by demons can.  (jphollis, can you elaborate on this sentence? what's not working for you? or do you have an idea how to improve it?)

 

After Daniel and his friend successfully catch a giant bee demon they are convinced that they can enter the pub and catch the bully red-handed, helping the kidnapper to recreate the Pyramid Diamond. When they enter the pub, it’s not the bully who they find, but David, the doctor who implanted Daniel his eyes. He was the one they had seen during their guard duty, and he also stole the blueprints. Even worse, when David implanted Daniel his artificial eyes, he wasn’t doing him a favor. On the contrary—these eyes were used as a surveillance system, meant to follow Daniel all the time. And now, with the Pyramid Diamond finally complete and Daniel fallen into his trap, David can summon the king of all demons—Asmodeus.

 

Asmodeus tells Daniel that his mother was used as bait to lure Daniel into the parallel world because what Admodeus really desires is Daniel’s immense telekinetic energy, which he will gain using the Pyramid Diamond. But he also offers Daniel to pass his energy over to him, and in exchange for his mother’s life he offers Daniel to join his army of demons. (The grammar is off on this sentence. I feel like it's missing words. Offers Daniel the choice of passing his energy over to him, maybe? Hm. I'm not sure.)

 

Daniel refuses and Asmodeus begins draining Daniel’s energy. But then Daniel realizes that in order to destroy Asmodeus he must destroy his demonic eyes. He takes out his eyes, and stabs them with a knife. Asmodeus is destroyed and Daniel loses consciousness. (I'm a little confused here, because I'm not seeing an obvious connection between Daniel's eyes and Asmodeus.)

 

When he wakes up, he can see with only one eye because the other one was beyond repair. The Chief Commander tells him that Asmodeus was only receiving orders from another, more powerful, demon—Azazel—and as long as Daniel is not caught his mother would be safe.

 

When Daniel gets back to the academy, students look at him with fear and admiration. Though his mother is still held hostage, Daniel’s battle with the demon has made him stronger: he will plot the best attack so the next time (he hasn't fought Azazel yet) he fights Azazel, Daniel will save his mother and will come out victorious.

 

I hope that helps! Sorry for being nitpicky about the grammar. Day job and all.






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