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Sentinel (YA Fantasy) Synopsis


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#1 Patomac

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 09:40 PM

New Draft in Post #5

 

 

Hello there everyone,

 

This is a synopsis for my current MS. I'm new to synopsis writing (and definitely still learning), so I'd appreciate any critiques you care to offer.  I'm happy to return the favor (on a synopsis or anything) if you nudge me in the right direction.  :smile:

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old LORI has one mission in life: to hunt the sorcerers that threaten to destroy her world. They routinely plant bombs that explode with dire magical consequences, unleashing localized floods or pocket firestorms. Lori is blessed with a rare mutation that allows her to feel magic as pain, and she can sense the presence of sorcerers and their bombs before they explode. She is training to join the Sentinels, the elite law enforcement agency responsible for safe-guarding the public from magical threats.

 

While Lori is meeting her brother, GRANT, sorcerers attack and kidnap him. Though Lori tries to save him, she is overpowered. She attempts to persuade first the Sentinels and her mother to rescue Grant, but both requests are denied.

 

Lori decides to go after Grant on her own. She sets out into the Zone, an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic. She falls into a trap set by a mutant spider moments across the border, and escapes with the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age who was nearly captured as well.

 

Though Lori is suspicious of Rylan, as they face the horrors of the Zone she comes to rely on him and develops romantic feelings for him. These feelings are betrayed when Lori finds Grant and discovers that Rylan is not only one of the kidnappers, but a sorcerer as well.

 

Lori’s shock at Rylan’s betrayal leads to her capture. She bides her time and seizes an opportunity to escape with Grant, but the sorcerers hunt them down before they get back to the safety of civilization. The sorcerers take Lori and Grant to their homeland, where Lori is separated from Grant.

 

In the sorcerer’s world, and under the power of a rival faction of sorcerers including Rylan’s brother, TYRATH, Lori’s ability to sense and resist magic is tested. The tests nearly kill her, but Rylan arrives just in time. He hides Lori while she recovers, and, when she eventually begins to forgive him for his betrayal, he offers to help her find Grant. He explains that his allies kidnapped Grant because he’s the key to ending a deadly curse. Time passes, and Lori decides to trust Rylan again. The romantic feelings she’s been trying to avoid resurface with a vengeance.

 

Rylan and Lori search for information on Grant’s whereabouts. They find it, and are set to go after him, when Tyrath and his faction appear. Panicked, Rylan tells Lori the last truth he’s been hiding from her—that she, too, is a sorcerer, one capable of ending the same curse as Grant. He wants to hide her again, but Lori no longer trusts him. She launches a desperate bid to escape only to discover that Tyrath has brought Grant with him. Lori lets her long dormant magic explode to cause the distraction that enables her to free Grant and flee.

 

In the Zone once more, Lori is horrified by all that she’s learned. Though she vows to be a good sorcerer, she still doesn’t entirely believe that’s possible. She returns to the Sentinels, prepared to be cast out but, to her surprise, Lori’s new skills make her valuable. The Sentinels agree to keep her on. Lori knows that her life is about to get a lot more complicated, but Grant is home. He’s safe. And that, to her, is worth it. 

 

 

 

 

Thanks again.  :biggrin: 



#2 jphollis

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Posted 03 February 2017 - 11:16 PM

Hello there everyone,

 

This is a synopsis for my current MS. I'm new to synopsis writing (and definitely still learning), so I'd appreciate any critiques you care to offer.  I'm happy to return the favor (on a synopsis or anything) if you nudge me in the right direction.  :smile:

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old LORI has one mission in life: to hunt the sorcerers that threaten to destroy her world. They routinely plant bombs that explode with dire magical consequences, unleashing localized floods or pocket firestorms. (I like this and have no problem with it, but I'm curious about more specifics. Are these sorcerers like terrorists? Are these magical bombs?) Lori is blessed with a rare mutation that allows her to feel magic as pain, and she can sense the presence of sorcerers and their bombs before they explode. She is training to join the Sentinels, the elite law enforcement agency responsible for safe-guarding the public from magical threats.

 

While Lori is meeting her brother, GRANT, sorcerers attack and kidnap him. Though Lori tries to save him, she is overpowered. She attempts to persuade first the Sentinels and her mother to rescue Grant, but both requests are denied. (I think some more specifics would be nice here. Why is she meeting her brother? Why are both requests denied?)

 

Lori decides to go after Grant on her own. She sets out into the Zone, an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic. She falls into a trap set by a mutant spider moments across the border, and escapes with the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age who was nearly captured as well.

 

Though Lori is suspicious of Rylan, as they face the horrors of the Zone she comes to rely on him and develops romantic feelings for him. These feelings are betrayed when Lori finds Grant and discovers that Rylan is not only one of the kidnappers, but a sorcerer as well. (So was Rylan playing her this whole time? Might be nice to add a sentence describing if this was a happy accident for the sorcerors or part of their plan?)

 

Lori’s shock at Rylan’s betrayal leads to her capture. She bides her time and seizes an opportunity to escape with Grant, but the sorcerers hunt them down before they get back to the safety of civilization. The sorcerers take Lori and Grant to their homeland, where Lori is separated from Grant.

 

In the sorcerer’s world, and under the power of a rival faction of sorcerers including Rylan’s brother, TYRATH, Lori’s ability to sense and resist magic is tested. The tests nearly kill her, but Rylan arrives just in time. He hides Lori while she recovers, and, when she eventually begins to forgive him for his betrayal, he offers to help her find Grant. He explains that his allies kidnapped Grant because he’s the key to ending a deadly curse. (Now I finally know why they kidnapped him. This isn't too late in the synopsis to find out why, but it would be nice if earlier on you mentioned that Lori is at least curious as to why they would kidnap her brother, perhaps wondering if it had something to do with her.) Time passes (Kind of vague), and Lori decides to trust Rylan again (Why?). The romantic feelings she’s been trying to avoid resurface with a vengeance.

 

Rylan and Lori search for information on Grant’s whereabouts. They find it, and are set to go after him, when Tyrath and his faction appear. (These two sentences feel needlessly long without actually giving us much information. We don't need to know about their search for information. I have crossed out words to show you how it might be made shorter) Panicked, Rylan tells Lori the last truth he’s been hiding from her—that she, too, is a sorcerer, one capable of ending the same curse as Grant. He wants to hide her again, but Lori no longer trusts him. (This back and forth or trust and distrust, trust and distrust is a little hard to believe) She launches a desperate bid to escape (To escape from where? Has she been imprisoned again?) only to discover that Tyrath has brought Grant with him. Lori lets her long dormant magic explode to cause the distraction that enables her to free Grant and flee.(This way this is worded, your protagonist sounds a little passive just 'letting her long dormant magic explode'. It might be better to phrase this in a more active way to show that she has made a decision from which she can't turn back.)

 

In the Zone once more, Lori is horrified by all that she’s learned. Though she vows to be a good ('Good' is vague. It could mean she wants to practice sorcery well or that she wants to be benevolent. Try to be clearer as to her intentions.) sorcerer, she still doesn’t entirely believe that’s possible. She returns to the Sentinels, prepared to be cast out but, to her surprise, Lori’s new skills make her valuable. The Sentinels agree to keep her on. Lori knows that her life is about to get a lot more complicated, but Grant is home. He’s safe. And that, to her, is worth it. 

 

 

 

 

Thanks again.  :biggrin: 

 

Everything is pretty easy to understand, but I want more details. I know that's hard to do in a synopsis where you are trying to simultaneously keep the word count low, but maybe some stronger verbs and adjectives to convey more would be nice. Also, I'd like to know the protagonist's and the antagonist's reasons for taking certain actions. For example, why did Lori set off into the Zone? Why is she suspicious of Rylan at first? Just small things that would help me understand your characters a bit more and why they are acting the way they are acting.


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#3 Nonicks

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Posted 04 February 2017 - 04:05 PM

Hello there everyone,

 

This is a synopsis for my current MS. I'm new to synopsis writing (and definitely still learning), so I'd appreciate any critiques you care to offer.  I'm happy to return the favor (on a synopsis or anything) if you nudge me in the right direction.  :smile:

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old LORI has one mission in life: to hunt the sorcerers that threaten to destroy her world. They routinely plant bombs that explode with dire magical consequences, unleashing localized floods or pocket firestorms. Lori is blessed with a rare mutation that allows her to feel magic as pain, and she can sense the presence of sorcerers and their bombs before they explode. She is training to join the Sentinels, the elite law enforcement agency responsible for safe-guarding the public from magical threats.

 

While Lori is meeting her brother, GRANT, sorcerers attack and kidnap him. Though Lori tries to save him, she is overpowered. She attempts to persuade first the Sentinels and her mother to rescue Grant, but both requests are denied. (why would her mother refuse to save her son? This is really strange)

 

Lori decides to go after Grant on her own. She sets out into the Zone, an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic. She falls into a trap set by a mutant spider moments across the border, and escapes with the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age who was nearly captured as well.

 

Though Lori is suspicious of Rylan, as they face the horrors of the Zone she comes to rely on him and develops romantic feelings for him. These feelings are betrayed when Lori finds Grant and discovers that Rylan is not only one of the kidnappers, but a sorcerer as well. (and she couldn't feel Rylan?)

 

Lori’s shock at Rylan’s betrayal leads to her capture. She bides her time and seizes an opportunity to escape with Grant, but the sorcerers hunt them down before they get back to the safety of civilization. The sorcerers take Lori and Grant to their homeland, where Lori is separated from Grant.

 

In the sorcerer’s world, and under the power of a rival faction of sorcerers including Rylan’s brother, TYRATH, Lori’s ability to sense and resist magic is tested. The tests nearly kill her, but Rylan arrives just in time. He hides Lori while she recovers, and when she eventually begins to forgive him for his betrayal, he offers to help her find Grant. He explains that his allies kidnapped Grant because he’s the key to ending a deadly curse. Time passes, and Lori decides to trust Rylan again and The romantic feelings she’s been trying to avoid resurface with a vengeance.

 

Rylan and Lori search for information on Grant’s whereabouts. They find it, and are set to go after him, when Tyrath and his faction appear. Panicked, Rylan tells Lori the last truth he’s been hiding from her—that she, too, is a sorcerer, one capable of ending the same curse as Grant. He wants to hide her again, but Lori no longer trusts him. She launches a desperate bid to escape only to discover that Tyrath has brought Grant with him. Lori lets her long dormant magic explode to cause the distraction that enables her to free Grant and flee. (and what happens to Tyrath and Rylan? Are they killed?)

 

In the Zone once more, Lori is horrified by all that she’s learned. Though she vows to be a good sorcerer, she still doesn’t entirely believe that’s possible. She returns to the Sentinels, prepared to be cast out but, to her surprise, Lori’s new skills make her valuable. The Sentinels agree to keep her on. Lori knows that her life is about to get a lot more complicated, but Grant is home. He’s safe. And that, to her, is worth it. 

 

 

 

 

Thanks again.  :biggrin: 

 

This is actually a solid synopsis, easy to follow. There are just a couple of things that needed to be clarifies, but apart from that - good job! 



#4 anathebookworm

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Posted 05 February 2017 - 09:38 AM

Hello there everyone,

 

This is a synopsis for my current MS. I'm new to synopsis writing (and definitely still learning), so I'd appreciate any critiques you care to offer.  I'm happy to return the favor (on a synopsis or anything) if you nudge me in the right direction.  :smile:

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old LORI has one mission in life: to hunt the sorcerers that threaten to destroy her world. They routinely plant bombs that explode with dire magical consequences, unleashing localized floods or pocket firestorms. Lori is blessed with a rare mutation that allows her to feel magic as pain, and she can sense the presence of sorcerers and their bombs before they explode. She is training to join the Sentinels, the elite law enforcement agency responsible for safe-guarding the public from magical threats. Very solid, I like it! Plus, your MC's name reminded me of The Walking Dead :D

 

While Lori is meeting her brother, GRANT, sorcerers attack and kidnap him. Though Lori tries to save him, she is overpowered. She attempts to persuade first the Sentinels and her mother to rescue Grant, but both requests are denied.

 

Lori decides to go after Grant on her own. She sets out into the Zone, an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic. She falls into a trap set by a mutant spider moments across the border, and escapes with the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age who was nearly captured as well. This feel a bit too rushed to me. Maybe it's just me but you could say something simpler like, "To find her brother, Lori ventures into an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic on her own, and to navigate there she receives the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age."

 

Though Lori is suspicious of Rylan, aAs they face the horrors of the Zone magical region, she comes to rely on Rylan, but upon finding Grant, she learns Rylan's not only one of her brother's kidnappers, but a sorcerer as well. him and develops romantic feelings for him. These feelings are betrayed when Lori finds Grant and discovers that Rylan is not only one of the kidnappers, but a sorcerer as well.

 

Lori’s shock at Rylan’s betrayal leads to her capture. She bides her time and seizes an opportunity to escape with Grant, but the sorcerers hunt them down before they get back to the safety of civilization. The sorcerers take Lori and Grant to their homeland Lori's or the sorcerers'?, where Lori is separated from Grant once again.

 

In the sorcerer’s world, and under the power of a rival faction of sorcerers including Rylan’s brother, TYRATH, Lori’s ability to sense and resist magic is tested. The tests nearly kill her, but Rylan arrives just in time. He hides Lori while she recovers, and, when she eventually begins to forgive him for his betrayal, he offers to help her find Grant. He explains that his allies kidnapped Grant because he’s the key to ending a deadly curse. Time passes, and Lori decides to trust Rylan again. The romantic feelings she’s been trying to avoid resurface with a vengeance. This paragraph confused me a little. Maybe you could make it more clear? What tests did Lori do? What about Rylan's brother? I'm lost.

 

Rylan and Lori search for information on Grant’s whereabouts. They find it, and are set to go after him, when Tyrath and his faction appear. Panicked, Rylan tells Lori the last truth he’s been hiding from her—that she, too, is a sorcerer, one capable of ending the same curse as Grant What???? I don't know what you mean here. He wants to hide her again, but Lori no longer trusts him Why? He was honest with her. Besides, I thought it was obvious she was a sorcerer, since you said at the beginning she had magical habilities of some sort. She launches a desperate bid to escape only to discover that Tyrath has brought Grant with him. Lori lets her long dormant magic explode to cause the distraction that enables her to free Grant and flee.

 

In the Zone magical region once more, Lori is horrified by all that she’s learned. Though she vows to be a good sorcerer, she still doesn’t entirely believe that’s possible. She returns to the Sentinels, prepared to be cast out but, to her surprise, Lori’s new skills make her valuable. The Sentinels agree to keep her on. Lori knows that her life is about to get a lot more complicated, but Grant is home. He’s safe. And that, to her, is worth it. 

 

 

 

 

Thanks again.  :biggrin: 

 

Seems like a solid synopsis to me -- you just need to clarify some points and you'll be good to go. If you have the time, can you please take a look at my synopsis as well? http://agentquerycon...turn-the-favor/ Thanks!



#5 Patomac

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Posted 07 February 2017 - 11:00 AM

Hey everyone! I did some tidying and I made an effort to put back some of the details I cut the first time without pulling it past one page. Is it any clearer now?

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old LORI has one mission in life: to hunt the sorcerers that threaten to destroy her world. They routinely plant bombs that explode with dire magical consequences, unleashing localized floods or pocket firestorms. Since Lori has a rare mutation that allows her to sense the magic in these bombs before they explode, she is training to join the Sentinels, the elite law enforcement agency responsible for safe-guarding the public from magical threats.

 

Lori meets her brother, GRANT, after sneaking him away from his security detail. They are attacked by sorcerers and, though Lori tries to save him, she is overpowered. The sorcerers kidnap Grant and leave Lori behind. Lori returns to Sentinel headquarters and attempts to persuade first the Sentinels and her mother, the Governor, to rescue Grant. Both requests are denied on the grounds that a mission to rescue him has a low chance of success and will produce excessive casualties.

 

Racked with guilt from her role in Grant’s kidnapping, Lori decides to mount her own rescue mission. She travels to the Zone, an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic. She falls into a trap set moments across the border, and escapes with the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age. Lori comes to rely on Rylan’s assistance when dealing with the many magically-generated obstacles of the Zone, but when she finally catches up to Grant’s kidnappers she finds out that, not only is Rylan a sorcerer, but he’s been working with the kidnappers all along.

 

Lori is captured by the sorcerers. Though Rylan claims he didn’t know Lori was looking for Grant, he doesn’t set her free either. Lori bides her time and seizes an opportunity to escape with Grant, but the sorcerers hunt them down before they reach the safety of civilization. Lori and Grant are taken to the sorcerer homeland and separated once more.

 

In the sorcerer’s world, and under the power of a rival faction of sorcerers, Lori’s ability to sense and resist magic is tested. The tests nearly kill her, but Rylan arrives just in time to save her life. He hides Lori while she recovers and offers to help her find Grant. Lori presses him for information, and he explains that his allies kidnapped Grant because he’s the key to ending a deadly curse. Lori thinks Rylan is finally being completely honest, and she decides to trust him to aid her in her search for Grant.

 

Rylan and Lori track down information on Grant’s whereabouts. On the eve of their mission to rescue him, the rival sorcerers appear. Concerned for Lori’s safety, Rylan reveals the last truth he’s been hiding—Lori is also a sorcerer, one capable of ending the same curse as Grant. Rylan offers to hide Lori again, but Lori’s trust in him has been shattered. Before she can leave, she finds out that the rival sorcerers brought Grant, still captive, with them. With no other weapons left, Lori uses her dormant magic to cause a distraction that enables her to rescue Grant and flee.

 

The knowledge that she’s a sorcerer horrifies Lori. She’s been raised to consider them evil, and joining their ranks does little to change her mind. She’s seen the vast destructive power of magic, and now she’s unleashed it herself. Lori returns to the Sentinels, prepared to be cast out but, to her surprise, they offer to keep her on. Lori’s new skills position her to act within the rebellious sorcerer community. Lori realizes that her life is about to get a lot more complicated, but she accomplished her goal. Grant is home, and his safety is worth the price she paid. 



#6 Nonicks

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Posted 08 February 2017 - 08:43 AM

Hey everyone! I did some tidying and I made an effort to put back some of the details I cut the first time without pulling it past one page. Is it any clearer now?

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old LORI has one mission in life: to hunt the sorcerers that threaten to destroy her world. They routinely plant bombs that explode with dire magical consequences, unleashing localized floods or pocket firestorms. Since Lori has a rare mutation that allows her to sense the magic in these bombs before they explode, she is training to join the Sentinels, the elite law enforcement agency responsible for safe-guarding the public from magical threats. (nice and clear)

 

Lori meets her brother, GRANT, (saying Lori meets her brother makes me think the never met him before and now is the first time. so I think if you say something like "after sneaking her brother GRANT, Lori...." would be mush clearer) after sneaking him away from his security detail. They are attacked by sorcerers and, though Lori tries to save him, she is overpowered. The sorcerers kidnap Grant and leave Lori behind. Lori returns to Sentinel headquarters and attempts to persuade first the Sentinels and her mother, the Governor, to rescue Grant. Both requests are denied on the grounds that a mission to rescue him has a low chance of success and will produce excessive casualties. (it's still not clear for me why would her mother refuse. I mean, this is her son. So the mission has a low chance of success, but a mother will try no matter what. sounds strange, for me)

 

Racked with guilt from her role in Grant’s kidnapping, Lori decides to mount her own rescue mission. She travels to the Zone, an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic. She falls into a trap set moments across the border, and escapes with the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age. Lori comes to rely on Rylan’s assistance when dealing with the many magically-generated obstacles of the Zone(for example? if you don't want to elaborate, don't mention these obstacles), but when she finally catches up to Grant’s kidnappers she finds out that, not only is Rylan a sorcerer, but he’s been working with the kidnappers all along.

 

Lori is captured by the sorcerers. Though Rylan claims he didn’t know Lori was looking for Grant, he doesn’t set her free either(why not?). Lori bides her time and seizes an opportunity to escape with Grant, but the sorcerers hunt them down before they reach the safety of civilization. Lori and Grant are taken to the sorcerer homeland and separated once more.

 

In the sorcerer’s world, and under the power of a rival faction of sorcerers, Lori’s ability to sense and resist magic is tested. The tests nearly kill her, but Rylan arrives just in time to save her life. He hides Lori while she recovers and offers to help her find Grant. Lori presses him for information, and he explains that his allies kidnapped Grant because he’s the key to ending a deadly curse. Lori thinks Rylan is finally being completely honest, and she decides to trust him to aid her in her search for Grant.

 

Rylan and Lori track down information on Grant’s whereabouts. On the eve of their mission to rescue him, the rival sorcerers appear. Concerned for Lori’s safety, Rylan reveals the last truth he’s been hiding—Lori is also a sorcerer, one capable of ending the same curse as Grant. Rylan offers to hide Lori again, but Lori’s trust in him has been shattered. Before she can leave, she finds out that the rival sorcerers brought Grant, still captive, with them. With no other weapons left, Lori uses her dormant magic to cause a distraction that enables her to rescue Grant and flee.

 

The knowledge that she’s a sorcerer horrifies Lori. She’s been raised to consider them evil, and joining their ranks does little to change her mind. She’s seen the vast destructive power of magic, and now she’s unleashed it herself. Lori returns to the Sentinels, prepared to be cast out but, to her surprise, they offer to keep her on. Lori’s new skills position her to act within the rebellious sorcerer community. Lori realizes that her life is about to get a lot more complicated, but she accomplished her goal. Grant is home, and his safety is worth the price she paid. (the end is good, no comments here) 

 

Much better, but I still had some comments. I think you're almost there.

I hope I was able to help. If you can, please take a look at my opening here



#7 KitCampbell

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 06:01 PM

Hello! I'm new to synopses so I apologize if I'm not the most help.

Hey everyone! I did some tidying and I made an effort to put back some of the details I cut the first time without pulling it past one page. Is it any clearer now?

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old LORI has one mission in life: to hunt the sorcerers that threaten to destroy her world. They routinely plant bombs that explode with dire magical consequences, unleashing localized floods or pocket firestorms. Since Lori has a rare mutation that allows her to sense the magic in these bombs before they explode, she is training to join the Sentinels, the elite law enforcement agency responsible for safe-guarding the public from magical threats. (In general this is good, but I'm wondering what Lori's motivation is...did she lose someone in one of these bombs? See one go off? Or does she just feel its her duty because she has this particular talent?)

 

Lori meets (this kind of sounds like she meets him for the first time) her brother, GRANT, after sneaking him away from his security detail. They are attacked by sorcerers and, though Lori tries to save him, she is overpowered. The sorcerers kidnap Grant and leave Lori behind. Lori returns to Sentinel headquarters and attempts to persuade first (I don't think "first" is helping here unless you have a "then" in front of her mother.) the Sentinels and her mother, the Governor, to rescue Grant. Both requests are denied on the grounds that a mission to rescue him has a low chance of success and will produce excessive casualties.

 

Racked with guilt from her role in Grant’s kidnapping, Lori decides to mount her own rescue mission. She travels to the Zone, an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic. She falls into a trap set moments across the border, and escapes with the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age. Lori comes to rely on Rylan’s assistance when dealing with the many magically-generated obstacles of the Zone, but when she finally catches up to Grant’s kidnappers she finds out that, not only is Rylan a sorcerer, but he’s been working with the kidnappers all along. (Gasp!)

 

Lori is captured by the sorcerers. Though Rylan claims he didn’t know Lori was looking for Grant, he doesn’t set her free either. Lori bides her time and seizes an opportunity to escape with Grant, but the sorcerers hunt them down before they reach the safety of civilization. Lori and Grant are taken to the sorcerer homeland (is this different than the Zone?) and separated once more.

 

In the sorcerer’s world, and under the power of a rival faction of sorcerers, Lori’s ability to sense and resist magic is tested. The tests nearly kill her, but Rylan arrives just in time to save her life. He hides Lori while she recovers and offers to help her find Grant. Lori presses him for information, and he explains that his allies kidnapped Grant because he’s the key to ending a deadly curse. Lori thinks Rylan is finally being completely honest, and she decides to trust him to aid her in her search for Grant.

 

Rylan and Lori track down information on Grant’s whereabouts. On the eve of their mission to rescue him, the rival sorcerers appear. Concerned for Lori’s safety, Rylan reveals the last truth he’s been hiding—Lori is also a sorcerer, one capable of ending the same curse as Grant. Rylan offers to hide Lori again, but Lori’s trust in him has been shattered. Before she can leave, she finds out that the rival sorcerers brought Grant, still captive, with them. With no other weapons left, Lori uses her dormant magic to cause a distraction that enables her to rescue Grant and flee.

 

The knowledge that she’s a sorcerer horrifies Lori. She’s been raised to consider them evil, and joining their ranks does little to change her mind. She’s seen the vast destructive power of magic, and now she’s unleashed it herself. Lori returns to the Sentinels, prepared to be cast out but, to her surprise, they offer to keep her on. Lori’s new skills position her to act within the rebellious sorcerer community. Lori realizes that her life is about to get a lot more complicated, but she accomplished her goal. Grant is home, and his safety is worth the price she paid. 

Seems pretty good to me! Just a couple of questions here and there.



#8 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:06 PM

Nice story about the good and evil in all of us. I think that you can sharpen it up with further revision.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Perhaps you can take a look at my synopsis, RIVER PLATE BASIN. 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old LORI has one mission in life: to hunt the sorcerers that threaten to destroy her world. They routinely plant bombs that explode with dire magical consequences, unleashing localized floods or pocket firestorms. Since Lori has a rare mutation that allows her to sense the magic in these bombs before they explode, she is training to join the Sentinels, the elite law enforcement agency responsible for safe-guarding the public from magical threats.

 

Lori meets sneaks her brother, GRANT, after sneaking him away from his security detail. They are attacked bys Sorcerers attack them and, though Lori tries to save her im, she is overpowered Lori. They sorcerers kidnap Grant, and leaving Lori behind. Lori returns to Sentinel headquarters and attempts to persuade both first the Sentinels and her mother, the Governor, to rescue Grant. Both requests are denied turn her down on the grounds that a mission to rescue him has a low chance of success and will produce excessive casualties.

 

Racked with guilt from her role in Grant’s kidnapping, Lori decides to mount her own rescue mission. She travels to the Zone, an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic. She falls into a trap set moments after acrossing the border, and but escapes with the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age. Lori comes to rely on Rylan’s assistance when dealing with the many magically-generated obstacles of in the Zone, but when she finally catches up to Grant’s kidnappers she finds out that, not only is Rylan a sorcerer, but he’s been working with the kidnappers all along.

 

Lori is captured by the sorcerers. (It is understood that it is the sorcerers.) Though Rylan claims he didn’t know Lori was looking for Grant, he doesn’t set her free either. Lori bides her time and seizes an opportunity to escape with Grant, but the sorcerers hunt them down before they reach the safety of civilization. Lori and Grant are taken to the sorcerer's homeland and separated From each other? once more.

 

In the sorcerer’s world, and under the power of a there are rival factions. of sorcerers, Lori’s ability to sense and resist magic is tested. The tests nearly kill her, but Rylan arrives just in time to save her life. He hides Lori while she recovers and offers to help her find Grant. Lori presses him for information, and he explains that his allies kidnapped Grant because he’s the key to ending a deadly curse. Lori thinks Rylan is finally being completely honest, and she decides to trust him to aid her in help her search for Grant.

 

Rylan and Lori track down information on Grant’s whereabouts. On the eve of their mission to rescue him, the a rival sorcerers appears. Concerned for Lori’s safety, Rylan reveals one last secret - the last truth he’s been hiding—Lori is also a sorcerer, one capable of ending the same curse as Grant. Rylan offers to hide Lori again, but Lori’s trust in him has been is shattered. Before she can leave, she finds out that the rival sorcerers brought Grant, still captive, with them. With no other weapons left, Lori uses her dormant Why is it dormant? magic to cause a distraction that enables her to rescue Grant and flee.

 

The knowledge that she’s a sorcerer horrifies Lori. She’s been raised to consider them evil, and joining their ranks does little to change her mind. She’s seen the vast destructive power of magic, and now she’s unleashed it herself. Lori returns to the Sentinels, prepared to be cast out but, to her surprise, they offer to keep her on. Lori’s new skills position her to act within the rebellious sorcerer community. Lori realizes that her life is about to get a lot more complicated, but she accomplished her goal. Grant is home, and his safety is worth the price she paid. Not clear what price that is. She has been a sorcerer all along, so it can't be that.



#9 dragoness

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Posted 20 April 2017 - 07:31 AM

I think the synopsis is very good!

 

Here are some tiny comments:

 

Seventeen-year-old LORI has one mission in life: to hunt the sorcerers that threaten to destroy her world. They routinely plant bombs that explode with dire magical consequences, unleashing localized floods or pocket firestorms that kill a lot of people (why else would she hate them so much?). Since Lori has a rare mutation that allows her to sense the magic in these bombs before they explode, she is training to join the Sentinels, the elite law enforcement agency responsible for safe-guarding the public from magical threats.

 

Lori meets her brother, GRANT, after sneaking him away from his security detail. They are attacked by sorcerers and, though Lori tries to save him, she is overpowered. The sorcerers kidnap Grant and leave Lori behind. Lori returns to Sentinel headquarters and attempts to persuade first the Sentinels and her mother, the Governor (it's a surprise to suddenly find that her mother is the governor, I think you better say it earlier) , to rescue Grant. Both requests are denied on the grounds that a mission to rescue him has a low chance of success and will produce excessive casualties.

 

Racked with guilt from her role in Grant’s kidnapping, Lori decides to mount her own rescue mission. She travels to the Zone (why?) , an uninhabited region in the middle of the country teeming with magic. She falls into a trap set moments across the border, and escapes with the help of RYLAN, a traveler her age. Lori comes to rely on Rylan’s assistance when dealing with the many magically-generated obstacles of the Zone, but when she finally catches up to Grant’s kidnappers she finds out that, not only is Rylan a sorcerer, but he’s been working with the kidnappers all along.

 

Lori is captured by the sorcerers. Though Rylan claims he didn’t know Lori was looking for Grant, he doesn’t set her free either. Lori bides her time and seizes an opportunity to escape with Grant, but the sorcerers hunt them down before they reach the safety of civilization. Lori and Grant are taken to the sorcerer homeland and separated once more. (it feels like we're back on the starting point again, and it's frustrating. maybe say what's the difference, what does she know now that she didn't know before?)

 

In the sorcerer’s world, and under the power of a rival faction of sorcerers, Lori’s ability to sense and resist magic is tested. The tests nearly kill her, but Rylan arrives just in time to save her life. He hides Lori while she recovers and offers to help her find Grant. Lori presses him for information, and he explains that his allies kidnapped Grant because he’s the key to ending a deadly curse. Lori thinks Rylan is finally being completely honest (why?), and she decides to trust him to aid her in her search for Grant.

 

Rylan and Lori track down information on Grant’s whereabouts. On the eve of their mission to rescue him, the rival sorcerers appear. Concerned for Lori’s safety, Rylan reveals the last truth he’s been hiding—Lori is also a sorcerer, one capable of ending the same curse as Grant. Rylan offers to hide Lori again, but Lori’s trust in him has been shattered. Before she can leave, she finds out that the rival sorcerers brought Grant, still captive, with them. With no other weapons left, Lori uses her dormant magic to cause a distraction that enables her to rescue Grant and flee.

 

The knowledge that she’s a sorcerer horrifies Lori. She’s been raised to consider them evil, and joining their ranks does little to change her mind. She’s seen the vast destructive power of magic, and now she’s unleashed it herself. Lori returns to the Sentinels, prepared to be cast out but, to her surprise, they offer to keep her on. Lori’s new skills position her to act within the rebellious sorcerer community. Lori realizes that her life is about to get a lot more complicated, but she accomplished her goal. Grant is home, and his safety is worth the price she paid. (good ending)

 

Good luck!

 

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