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June Bug - Contemporary YA Synopsis


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#1 perpetual

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Posted 07 February 2017 - 11:46 AM

Thank you all in advance. THIS IS THE NEWEST VERSION:

 

Seventeen-year-old JUNE GERBER (a.k.a June Bug) is furious her MOM is moving June away from their hometown, and all her friends, and where senior year would've been relatively easy. Still, June's determined to make a memorable first impression with her new classmates, especially her drool-worthy Chemistry partner, ASHER ALKOFF. And she does—by accidentally setting the school on fire.

 

Thankfully, her mom isn’t too disappointed. That’s because she’s been holding onto news of her own. His name is JIM, they've been dating for a year and a half, and he’s coming for dinner on Friday. Watching her mom love someone who is definitely not her dad reopens all the wounds of his death, threatening to send June back to the worst time in her life.

 

At school, June's special kind of crazy rapidly limits her potential friend pool to just Asher. And the closer Mom and Jim become, the more June struggles with loneliness and her resurfacing feelings about her dad’s passing. Since Asher, too, has lost a parent, June’s convinced they could be a source of comfort to each other, if only Asher wasn’t so anti-social.

 

Still, June’s mission in life is to make everyone feel invincible and she refuses to give up. She volunteers at Asher’s work, determined to spend time with him. But Asher becomes continually more withdrawn, and June can't even remember the last time she saw him smile. Then, one day, he doesn’t show up for school or work.

 

With panic fueling her, June rushes to his house. She finds him on his bathroom floor, clutching onto a bottle of pills. Refusing to let him out of her sight, June convinces Asher to stay at her house. Asher confesses his father is an alcoholic and a gambler who’s spent all their money, leaving Asher feeling hopeless. He doesn’t want to die, but he doesn't know how to stop the pain either.

 

June realizes Asher is battling with depression and his struggles are all too familiar. Her life’s mission becomes even more vital. June confides to Asher about her own battle with depression following her dad's passing, hoping it’ll help him realize that, despite his circumstances, life isn't actually hopeless.

 

Thanks to June's persistence and positivity, Asher is willing to try one more option: calling the aunt he's lost touch with. He moves in with her and, in true Asher fashion, doesn’t stay in touch with June. Without him around, June’s struggles with her mom dating Jim become more apparent. Remembering the courage it took for Asher to do right by himself, June realizes it's high time to face her own fears of her dad being replaced. She finally takes into consideration a suggestion Asher gave her a while ago: have a real conversation with Jim. Even though it goes well, June's still not comfortable with the idea of her mom with someone who isn't her dad. However, with the help of her sister, she comes to the conclusion that sometimes all that can be done is to work at having the right attitude.

 

In the meantime, June still hasn’t heard from Asher. She’s worried and furious. When she's close to feeling like they'll never be friends again, he surprises her with a visit. Better yet, he shows up with a new shirt and haircut—signs of baby steps forward. He tells June that he owes his life to her and hands her a brochure to a nursing home—a nod to June's request they be friends even in their old age.


Query: Click here.

 


#2 G A Johnson

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Posted 07 February 2017 - 06:17 PM

I think this is very well written, your genre is not my cup of tea, but your description of the story line engaged me. I only have a couple comments. The other super posters may be more helpful than I. Good luck!

 

Here goes:

 

JUNE GERBER (a.k.a June Bug) is furious her MOM is moving June and all her other belongings 57 miles (This spot is too wordy. We can infer if they move she's taking everything. The exact distance doesn't matter either.) away from their hometown and everything she has ever loved or known (or maybe you mention her father's grave instead?). Still, June is determined to make a memorable first impression with her new classmates, especially her drool-worthy Chemistry partner, ASHER ALKOFF. And she does—by accidentally setting the school on fire.

 

Thankfully, her mom isn’t too disappointed. That’s because she’s been holding onto news of her own(maybe say she's been keeping a secret from June, instead. This makes it understandable for June to get off the hook easy). His name is JIM, they've been dating for a year and a half, and he’s coming for dinner on Friday. Watching her mom love someone who is definitely not her dad reopens all the wounds of his death, threatening to send June back to the worst time in her life.

 

At school, June's discovers that not everyone understands her special kind of crazy and rapidly limits her potential friend pool becomes limited to just Asher. And the closer Mom and Jim become, the more June struggles with loneliness and her dad’s passing. Since Asher, too, has lost a parent, June’s convinced they could be a source of comfort to each other, if only Asher wasn’t so anti-social.

 

Still, June’s mission in life is to make everyone feel invincible and she refuses to give up. She volunteers at Asher’s work, determined to spend time with him. But Asher becomes continually more withdrawn, and June can't even remember the last time she saw him smile. Then, one day, he doesn’t show up for school or work.

 

With panic fueling her, June rushes to his house. She finds him on his bathroom floor, clutching onto a bottle of pills. Refusing to let him out of her sight, June convinces Asher to stay at her house. Asher confesses his father is an alcoholic and a gambler who’s spent all their money, leaving Asher feeling hopeless. He doesn’t want to die, but he doesn't know how to stop the pain either.

 

June realizes Asher is battling with depression and his struggles are all too familiar. Her life’s mission becomes even more vital. June confides to Asher about her own battle with depression following her dad's passing, hoping it’ll help him realize that, despite his circumstances, life wasn’t actually hopeless.

 

Thanks to June's persistent positiveness, Asher is willing to try one more option: calling the aunt he's lost touch with. He moves in with her and, in true Asher fashion, doesn’t stay in touch with June. Without him around, June’s struggles with her mom dating Jim become more apparent. Considering the courage it took for Asher to do right by himself for the first time in years, June realizes it's high time to face her own fears of her dad being replaced head-on. She finally takes into consideration a suggestion Asher gave her a while ago and has her first real conversation with Jim. Even though it goes well, June's still not comfortable with the idea of her Mom with someone who isn't her dad. However, she comes to the conclusion that sometimes all that can be done is to work at having the right attitude.

 

In the meantime, days have passed and June still hasn’t heard from Asher. She’s worried and furious. When she's close to feeling like they'll never be friends again, he surprises her with a visit. Better yet, he shows up with a new shirt and haircut—signs of baby steps forward. He tells June that he owes his life to her and hands her a brochure to a nursing home—a nod to June's request they be friends even in their old age.

 

****

 

I will return critique. :) Thank you all in advance.

Also, quick question: Is it bad to repeat some phrases from the query into the synopsis?



#3 KitCampbell

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 05:56 PM

I am going to come out and say that I'm new to synopses and I apologize if I'm not helpful.

Here goes:

 

JUNE GERBER (a.k.a June Bug) (I assume this is YA--do you know if you need to stick in age here like you do in a query?) is furious her MOM is moving June and all her other belongings 57 miles away from their hometown. Still, June is determined to make a memorable first impression with her new classmates, especially her drool-worthy Chemistry (chemistry isn't capitalized) partner, ASHER ALKOFF. And she does—by accidentally setting the school on fire. (Awesome.)

 

Thankfully, her mom isn’t too disappointed. That’s because she’s been holding onto news of her own. His name is JIM, they've been dating for a year and a half, and he’s coming for dinner on Friday. Watching her mom love someone who is definitely not her dad reopens all the wounds of his death, threatening to send June back to the worst time in her life.

 

At school, June discovers that not everyone understands her special kind of crazy and her potential friend pool becomes limited to just Asher. And the closer Mom and Jim become, the more June struggles with loneliness and her dad’s passing. Since Asher, too, has lost a parent, June’s convinced they could be a source of comfort to each other, if only Asher wasn’t so anti-social.

 

Still, June’s mission in life is to make everyone feel invincible and she refuses to give up. She volunteers at Asher’s work, determined to spend time with him. But Asher becomes continually more withdrawn, and June can't even remember the last time she saw him smile. Then, one day, he doesn’t show up for school or work.

 

With panic fueling her, June rushes to his house. She finds him on his bathroom floor, clutching onto a bottle of pills. Refusing to let him out of her sight, June convinces Asher to stay at her house. Asher confesses his father is an alcoholic and a gambler who’s spent all their money, leaving Asher feeling hopeless. He doesn’t want to die, but he doesn't know how to stop the pain either.

 

June realizes Asher is battling with depression and his struggles are all too familiar. Her life’s mission becomes even more vital. June confides to Asher about her own battle with depression following her dad's passing, hoping it’ll help him realize that, despite his circumstances, life wasn’t (isn't) actually hopeless.

 

Thanks to June's persistent positiveness, Asher is willing to try one more option: calling the aunt he's lost touch with. He moves in with her and, in true Asher fashion, doesn’t stay in touch with June. Without him around, June’s struggles with her mom dating Jim become more apparent. Considering the courage it took for Asher to do right by himself for the first time in years, June realizes it's high time to face her own fears of her dad being replaced head-on. She finally takes into consideration a suggestion Asher gave her a while ago and has her first real conversation with Jim. Even though it goes well, June's still not comfortable with the idea of her Mom (mom) with someone who isn't her dad. However, she comes to the conclusion that sometimes all that can be done is to work at having the right attitude.

 

In the meantime, days have passed and June still hasn’t heard from Asher. She’s worried and furious. When she's close to feeling like they'll never be friends again, he surprises her with a visit. Better yet, he shows up with a new shirt and haircut—signs of baby steps forward. He tells June that he owes his life to her and hands her a brochure to a nursing home—a nod to June's request they be friends even in their old age.

 

****

 

I will return critique. :) Thank you all in advance.

Also, quick question: Is it bad to repeat some phrases from the query into the synopsis?

In general, I think it's pretty good! It's engaging, the plotline is easy to follow and makes sense, and the ending makes sense for the story.



#4 AutumnL

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 03:27 PM

JUNE GERBER (a.k.a June Bug) is furious her MOM is moving June and all her other belongings 57 miles away from their hometown. Still, June is determined to make a memorable first impression with her new classmates, especially her drool-worthy Cchemistry partner, ASHER ALKOFF. And she does—by accidentally setting the school on fire.

 

Thankfully, her mom isn’t too disappointed. That’s because she’s been holding onto news of her own. His name is JIM. tThey've been dating for a year and a half, and he’s coming for dinner on Friday. Watching her mom love someone who is definitely not her dad reopens all the wounds of his death, threatening to send June back to the worst time in her life.

 

At school, June discovers that not everyone understands her special kind of crazy and her potential friend pool becomes limited to just Asher. And the closer Mom and Jim become, the more June struggles with loneliness and her dad’s passing. Since Asher, too, has lost a parent, June’s convinced they could be a source of comfort to each other, if only Asher wasn’t so anti-social.

 

Still, June’s mission in life is to make everyone feel invincible and she refuses to give up. She volunteers at Asher’s work, determined to spend time with him. But Asher becomes continually more withdrawn, and June can't even remember the last time she saw him smile. Then, one day, he doesn’t show up for school or work.

 

With panic fueling her, June rushes to his house. She finds him on his bathroom floor, clutching onto a bottle of pills. Refusing to let him out of her sight, June convinces Asher to stay at her house. Asher confesses his father is an alcoholic and a gambler who’s spent all their money, leaving Asher feeling hopeless. He doesn’t want to die, but he doesn't know how to stop the pain either.

 

June realizes Asher is battling with depression and his struggles are all too familiar. Her life’s mission becomes even more vital. June confides to Asher about her own battle with depression following her dad's passing, hoping it’ll help him realize that, despite his circumstances, life wasn’t isn't actually hopeless.

 

Thanks to June's persistent positiveness, Asher is willing to try one more option: calling the aunt he's lost touch with. He moves in with her and, in true Asher fashion, doesn’t stay in touch with June. Without him around, June’s struggles with her mom dating Jim become more apparent. Considering Remembering(?) the courage it took for Asher to do right by himself for the first time in years, June realizes it's high time to face her own fears of her dad being replaced head-on. She finally takes into consideration a suggestion Asher gave her a while ago and has her first real conversation with Jim (What is the suggestion?). Even though it goes well, June's still not comfortable with the idea of her Mom with someone who isn't her dad. However, she comes to the conclusion that sometimes all that can be done is to work at having the right attitude.

 

In the meantime, days have passed and June still hasn’t heard from Asher. She’s worried and furious. When she's close to feeling like they'll never be friends again, he surprises her with a visit. Better yet, he shows up with a new shirt and haircut—signs of baby steps forward. He tells June that he owes his life to her and hands her a brochure to a nursing home—a nod to June's request they be friends even in their old age (Aww).

 

Nice work! :) It sounds like a story with characters that are hard to forget :) You have great structure, I only found a few easily-fixed issues. Really great job! 

 

If you have the time, I would really appreicate you taking a look at The Underground synopsis (It needed way more help than yours!) :)



#5 perpetual

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Posted 03 April 2017 - 08:02 AM

Thank you all above :)

 

New version posted in original post to include suggestions from you guys :)


Query: Click here.

 


#6 npstanford

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 04:43 PM

 

Seventeen-year-old JUNE GERBER (a.k.a June Bug) is furious her MOM is moving June away from their //I'd use "her" here since the next two items are specifically about June, the "their" held me up for a bit hometown, and all her friends, and where senior year would've been relatively easy. Still, June's determined to make a memorable first impression with her new classmates, especially her drool-worthy Chemistry partner, ASHER ALKOFF. And she does—by accidentally setting the school on fire. //pretty effective hook :-)

 

Thankfully, her mom isn’t too disappointed. That’s because she’s been holding onto news of her own. His name is JIM, they've been dating for a year and a half, and he’s coming for dinner on Friday. Watching her mom love someone who is definitely not her dad reopens all the wounds of his death, threatening to send June back to the worst time in her life. //solid paragraph

 

At school, June's special kind of crazy rapidly limits her potential friend pool to just Asher. And the closer Mom and Jim become, the more June struggles with loneliness and her resurfacing feelings about her dad’s passing. Since Asher, too, has lost a parent, June’s convinced they could be a source of comfort to each other, if only Asher wasn’t so anti-social.

 

Still, June’s mission in life is to make everyone feel invincible and she refuses to give up. She volunteers at Asher’s work, determined to spend time with him. But Asher becomes continually more withdrawn, and June can't even remember the last time she saw him smile. Then, one day, he doesn’t show up for school or work.

 

With panic fueling her, June rushes to his house. She finds him on his bathroom floor, clutching onto a bottle of pills. Refusing to let him out of her sight, June convinces Asher to stay at her house. Asher confesses his father is an alcoholic and a gambler who’s spent all their money, leaving Asher feeling hopeless. He doesn’t want to die, but he doesn't know how to stop the pain either.

 

June realizes Asher is battling with depression and his struggles are all too familiar. Her life’s mission becomes even more vital. June confides to Asher about her own battle with depression following her dad's passing, hoping it’ll help him realize that, despite his circumstances, life isn't actually hopeless.

 

Thanks to June's persistence and positivity, Asher is willing to try one more option: calling the aunt he's lost touch with. He moves in with her and, in true Asher fashion, doesn’t stay in touch with June. //I was surprised that this was "true Asher fashion". I can sort of see this from when you mentioned he was anti-social. Might be clearer if you just say "but to June's disappointment, he drops contact with her" Without him around, June’s struggles with her mom dating Jim become more apparent.//become more apparent or become worse? Remembering the courage it took for Asher to do right by himself, June realizes it's high time to face her own fears of her dad being replaced. She finally takes into consideration //takes into consideration sounds weaker than what actually happens, cause she does indeed have the conversation... how about "finally takes Asher's advice from a while ago" a suggestion Asher gave her a while ago: have a real conversation with Jim. Even though it goes well, June's still not comfortable with the idea of her mom with someone who isn't her dad. However, with the help of her sister, //this was a big WUT for me since you had never mentioned the sister. Does the sister live with her and her mom? If so, then mention her during the initial move. If she doesn't live with them, say something like "June's older sister that lives in the big city" she comes to the conclusion that sometimes all that can be done is to work at having the right attitude.

 

In the meantime, June still hasn’t heard from Asher. She’s worried and furious. When she's close to feeling like they'll never be friends again, he surprises her with a visit. Better yet, he shows up with a new shirt and haircut—signs of baby steps forward. He tells June that he owes his life to her and hands her a brochure to a nursing home—a nod to June's request they be friends even in their old age.

 

 

This seems like a really effective synopsis. I can see all the major plot lines from beginning to end. Just had a few comments above, mostly about sentence structure and a few details that could be more clear. 

 

If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at mine: http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/






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