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Dark Harvest (Literary Science Fiction) New Draft in #3


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#1 G A Johnson

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Posted 07 February 2017 - 05:38 PM

NEW DRAFT IN #3

 

 

 

 

 

I know it runs a little long, but I don't want to entirely gut it. Maybe condense down to 800 words from 990. Thanks for your feedback! 

 

ALAN’S memoir begins in L.A. rush hour the day before the BLACK SHIPS arrive. Despite being burnt-out by his career as a photojournalist, he is leaving his wife again for an assignment as a war correspondent. He hopes the time away will heal his broken relationship with his wife. But, the Black Ships will rip that plan apart along with the modern accomplishments of humankind.

 

The next morning, Alan is on the way to the bar to meet a friend from the Marine artillery unit he is about to be embedded in. His wife goes sailing with her family. Along the store fronts of Oceanside Boulevard, he runs into a young woman handing out pamphlets for a Christian outreach center. LYNN’s father and mother operate the center, and she cajoles him into going to their free breakfast. Alan flirtatiously indulges in her company expecting never to see her again.

 

Around noon, first reports of an invasion broadcast on the television above the bar Alan and his friend drink in. The news airs footage of beautiful CRYSTAL SHIPS awing crowds of thousands in Mexico. Minutes later sirens blare, and the public announcement system recalls all military personnel back to Camp Pendleton. Alan goes on base with his friend. A Black Ship arrives off the coast of San Diego. The craft hovers above blocking out the sky: it is more than four miles wide, and moves at a walking pace as it methodically pulls everything metallic up into it. Black Ships do the same to metropolises worldwide.

 

Alan is trapped on base as millions of refugees head northward on foot to escape the destruction. The Artillery unit Alan is with mounts a defense to buy time for the evacuation of Camp Pendleton. When the Black Ship arrives, it is undeterred by the high explosives hurled at it by hundreds of Howitzers. Marines die. Alan is nearly killed.

 

In the aftermath, he searches through the decimated city for a way north. Instead, Alan finds a camp of refugees led by people in white cloaks. The leader, SAM, says he is bringing people to the Crystal Ships leaving for the safety of another planet. Lynn is with the refugees; Alan finds her in a near catatonic state. In addition to the destruction, she has witnessed the rape and murder of her mother. The perpetrator is hiding among the refugees. Instead of leaving to find his wife, he stays by Lynn’s side on the way to the Crystal Ships.

 

Along the way, a survivalist militia stops the refugees and kills one of Sam’s followers. Alan negotiates safe passage. Sam asks Alan to join his mission promising a way Alan can find his wife. Alan agrees on the condition that Lynn stays by his side. Once aboard the Crystal Ship, he is taken to a small room. After having a metaphysical experience, he awakens outside the ship wearing the cloak of Sam’s followers.

 

Alan conducts several rescues with the Crystal Ships bringing in thousands of people from different parts of California. As time passes he notices disturbing changes in himself; he doesn’t thirst or hunger anymore. There are also lapses in his memory. His memories on board the ships are almost entirely blocked, except for one incident he has with Lynn. They witness naked corpses being unloaded from their Crystal Ship at a space dock. 

 

Alan’s next memory is a gathering of Crystal Ships in the Yosemite Valley. The people working for the Crystal Ships praise the Black Ships for ending global warming, wars, industrialization, and returning earth to Eden-like state. They praise the Crystal Ships for choosing them to be the next evolution of mankind. The gathering is an orgy mixed with a cultish motivational seminar where Alan learns the dark truth: the Crystal Ships aren’t saving people, but gathering them like cattle instead. Humanity has brought metal ore to the surface for the Black Ships to harvest. Besides unwittingly laboring for the invaders, Humans are also their food supply.

Lynn escapes the gathering first. Alan tries to follow but is crippled by a resurgence of thirst and hunger. He is captured. Sam tries to convince Alan of the righteousness of their cause: that they are mercifully ending the lives of people who wouldn’t survive the new world anyway. A military airstrike ends the gathering in a rain of fire; the Crystal Ships are unharmed but take flight leaving many injured and dying followers behind.

 

Alan is picked up by the men sent to observe the damage. They take him to the cabin used as an operations center. Labeled as an enemy collaborator, Alan is interrogated and tortured for weeks. His fogged memory is perceived as deliberate aversion, and someone is reporting that he is giving incomplete answers. Alan discovers that person is Lynn when he is sent for execution…by her hand. She blames him for forcing her to take part in genocide, but, ultimately, extends him mercy.

Instead of execution, Alan is banished with the mark of treason cut into his cheek so that he cannot receive aid from other outposts. They do give him a few rations, a canteen of water, and a revolver with a single bullet.

The power of the Crystal Ships still influences Alan’s thoughts as he travels back to the devastated urban areas; they bring him to a harvest of refugees. Alan follows the crowd until he meets Sam. Before the Crystal Ship can take total control of Alan again, he kills Sam, then escapes.

 

His memoir ends in Monterey with a small community of survivors. They tell him about a large fleet of sailboats, fishing boats, and yachts that anchored in the Bay a week earlier. The fleet left following a Coast Guard cutter. One of the survivors recognizes the name of the ship Alan’s wife may have been on. Alan flags down a sailboat with the hope of catching up with the fleet and finding his wife.



#2 perpetual

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Posted 08 February 2017 - 09:55 AM

Returning the favour, as promised. ;)

 

I know it runs a little long, but I don't want to entirely gut it. Maybe condense down to 800 words from 990. Thanks for your feedback! From my extensive research on agent preferences, it seems the strong recommendation is 600 words or less.

 

ALAN’S memoir begins in L.A. rush hour the day before the BLACK SHIPS arrive. Despite being burnt-out by his career as a photojournalist, he is leaving his wife again for an assignment as a war correspondent. Could you simply say: "in three days, he's leaving for an assignment in [insert place name]"? He hopes Hopefully, the time away will heal his broken relationship with his wife. But, the Black Ships will rip that plan The plan for repairing the relationship? I'm unclear as to what Black Ships is and what the connection is to our MC. apart along with the modern accomplishments of humankind. This sentence has me very confused.

 

The next morning, Alan is on the way to the bar to meet a friend from the Marine artillery unit he is about to be embedded in. Not convinced you need this info. His wife goes sailing with her family. You don't need every detail in a synopsis. Just focus on main plot points and how they affect your MC. Along the store fronts of Oceanside Boulevard, This is novel level details, not synopsis level details. he runs into a young woman, LYNN, handing out pamphlets for a Christian outreach center. LYNN’s father and mother operate the center, and she cajoles him into going to their free breakfast. Alan flirtatiously indulges in having breakfast with her her company, (comma here) expecting never to see her again.

 

Around noon, first reports of an invasion broadcast on the television above the bar Alan and his friend drink in. This sentence reads awkwardly. It sounds passive as opposed to active. The news airs footage of beautiful CRYSTAL SHIPS insert comma here awing crowds of thousands in Mexico. Minutes later, comma here sirens blare, and not here and the public announcement system recalls all military personnel back to Camp Pendleton. Alan goes on base with his friend. A Black Ship arrives off the coast of San Diego. The craft hovers above blocking out the sky: it is more than four miles wide, and moves at a walking pace as it methodically pulls everything metallic up into it. Black Ships do the same to metropolises worldwide. I'm not convinced you need all this information. Again, just focus on major plot points.

 

Alan is trapped on base as millions of refugees head northward on foot to escape the destruction. The Artillery unit Alan is with Alan's Artillery unit mounts a defense to buy time for the evacuation of Camp Pendleton. When the Black Ship arrives, it is undeterred by the high explosives hurled at it by hundreds of Howitzers. I don't know who these are or why this is significant. Marines die. Alan is nearly killed. I do wish this could be expressed better. E.G. Marine casualties number into the thousands, with Alan barely escaping with his life.

 

In the aftermath, he searches through the decimated city for a way north. Instead, Alan finds a camp of refugees led by people in white cloaks. The leader, SAM, says he is bringing people to the Crystal Ships leaving for the safety of another planet. for safety on another planet. Otherwise it sounds like they're leaving so another planet is safe. Lynn is with the refugees; Alan finds her in a near catatonic state. Maybe show us (vs telling) this by showing Alan's reaction when he discovers Lynn? In addition to the destruction, she has witnessed the rape and murder of her mother. The perpetrator is hiding among the refugees. How does she know this and not his identity? Instead of leaving to find his wife, he stays by Lynn’s side on the way to the Crystal Ships. Sounds like a splendid guy. Would it be worth mentioning if he's at all aware of his wife's status? Is he even worried?

 

Along the way, a survivalist militia stops the refugees and kills one of Sam’s followers. before Alan negotiates safe passage. Sam asks Alan to join his mission comma here promising a way Alan can find his wife. His concern for his wife needs to be apparent earlier if this is the case. Alan agrees on the condition that Lynn stays by his side. Omg why? What's your wife going to think? Once aboard the Crystal Ship, he is taken to a small room. After having a metaphysical experience, he awakens outside the ship wearing the cloak of Sam’s followers.

 

Alan conducts several rescues with the Crystal Ships bringing in thousands of people from different parts of California. As time passes comma here he notices disturbing changes in himself; he doesn’t thirst or hunger anymore. There are also lapses in his memory. His memories on board the ships are almost entirely blocked, except for one incident he has with Lynn. They witness He remembers one vividly, however: witnessing naked corpses being unloaded from their Crystal Ship at a space dock. 

 

Alan’s next memory is HERE a gathering of Crystal Ships in the Yosemite Valley. The people working for the Crystal Ships praise the Black Ships for ending global warming, wars, industrialization, and returning earth to Eden-like state. They praise the Crystal Ships Is this supposed to say Black Ships? for choosing them to be the next evolution of mankind. The gathering is an orgy mixed with a cultish motivational seminar where HERE The info between the two HERE's is background info. The next plot point is Alan learning the truth. So just skip to that. Alan learns the dark truth: the Crystal Ships aren’t saving people, but gathering them like cattle instead. Humanity has brought metal ore to the surface for the Black Ships to harvest. Besides unwittingly laboring for the invaders, Humans are also their food supply. I'm still confused as to who the Black and Crystal ships are and what they signify. This needs to be explained succinctly right off the bat and that'll give you clearer direction going forward.

 

Lynn escapes the gathering first. Alan tries to follow comma here but is crippled by a resurgence of thirst and hunger. He is captured. Sam tries to convince Alan of the righteousness of their cause: that they are mercifully ending the lives of people who wouldn’t survive the new world anyway. A military airstrike ends the gathering in a rain of fire; the Crystal Ships are unharmed but take flight comma here leaving many injured and dying followers behind. Don't think you need this. Alan is your MC. In the synopsis, focus just on what happens to him.

 

Alan is picked up by the men sent to observe the damage. They take him to the cabin used as an operations center. Novel level details again. Labeled as an enemy collaborator, Alan is interrogated and tortured for weeks. His fogged memory is perceived as deliberate aversion, and someone is reporting that he is giving incomplete answers. Alan discovers that person is Lynn when he is sent for execution…by her hand. She blames him for forcing her to take part in genocide, but, ultimately, extends him mercy. I'm confused how Lynn now fits into this.

 

Instead of execution, Alan is banished with the mark of treason cut into his cheek so that he cannot receive aid from other outposts. They do give him a few rations, a canteen of water, and a revolver with a single bullet.

 

The power of the Crystal Ships still influences Alan’s thoughts as he travels back to the devastated urban areas; they bring him to a harvest of refugees. Alan follows the crowd until he meets Sam. Before the Crystal Ship can take total control of Alan again, he kills Sam, then escapes.

 

His memoir ends in Monterey with a small community of survivors. They tell him about a large fleet of sailboats, fishing boats, and yachts that anchored in the Bay a week earlier. The fleet left following a Coast Guard cutter. One of the survivors recognizes the name of the ship Alan’s wife may have been on. Alan flags down a sailboat with the hope of catching up with the fleet and finding his wife.Oh NOW you want your wife. Hahaha

 

Ending looks good. I think you're trying to do too much in your synopsis. Right now, you're straddling between a lot of information and keeping a lower word count, resulting in confusion. I think if you took out some more information, focusing only on your three characters: Alan, Lynn, Sam and how they move the plot forward, then the synopsis will be shorter and read a lot cleaner. 

 

Let me know if you have any questions. :)


Query: Click here.

Synopsis: Click here.


#3 G A Johnson

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Posted 08 February 2017 - 01:06 PM

@perpetual, Thanks! You've got some great points in here that I'll work into the synopsis today. 

 

However, I am concerned that I've made my MC sound like a horrible person. I need to clarify that Alan and his wife have been separated, that Alan is trapped on Camp Pendleton for the duration of the battle, and that any technology to get them in contact again has been destroyed. All he knows about her whereabouts is that she went sailing with her family, presumably north. The Black Ship that devoured San Diego is also moving north. I try to be realistic even though the situation is a sort of fantasy: there is no real way he can find his wife, and there is no escaping the guilt he feels. Alan is a very flawed man--more of a Hemingway-type hero. Despite his bad choices, he is a good person at heart, and he tries to make up for his failures. It's how he gets conned into helping Sam and the Crystal ships. His decision to help Lynn was based on this desire too, but it bites him in the a$$ in the end. His regret of not staying with his wife is what motivates him to write the memoir.

 

I just wish I could express this without explaining it.

How I hate the synopsis.  

 

Overall, I think your comments about him may have helped me the most. This story is not a romance or really science fiction. It's a journey of redemption. Somehow I've got to find a way to express that better in both the query and synopsis. Thanks for taking time to critique me!



#4 G A Johnson

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Posted 08 February 2017 - 05:37 PM

Still long, but hopefully it makes my MC look like less of an antagonist. 

 

 

Earth has no idea that two different types of U.F.O’s are heading its way. Massive BLACK SHIPS are coming to rip up civilization. Humankind is about to learn that everything it created, from the skyscraper to the smartphone, is nothing but blossoms of ore waiting to be harvested by a more advanced civilization. CRYSTAL SHIPS are coming to promise salvation for the billions of people that will soon be refugees.

 

When ALAN walks out the door that morning, he doesn’t know it’s his last chance to make things right with his wife. He’s on the way to the bar to meet a friend he’s about to spend serval months with. Alan is a photojournalist heading to the Middle East. His friend belongs to the Marine Corps unit Alan will be embedded with. Before he gets to the bar, he is sidetracked by a young woman, LYNN, handing out pamphlets for a Christian outreach center. Alan flirtatiously indulges in having breakfast with her, expecting never to see her again.

 

At the bar, while drinking with his friend and the lunch crowd, strange reports broadcast over the news. One of them has footage beautiful crystalloid U.F.O.’s dazzling massive crowds in Mexico. Minutes later, sirens blare and the public announcement system recalls all military personnel back to Camp Pendleton. Alan goes on base. A black ship arrives off the coast of San Diego and begins devouring the city.

 

By the time Alan knows what’s happening, he is trapped on base by the flood of millions of people heading north to escape the black ship. He has no way of contacting his wife. He can only hope she is safe on the sailboat she was supposed to leave with her family on that morning. The unit Alan is embedded with tries to stall the black ship when it arrives, but the massive craft is undeterred by high-explosives. Most of the base evacuates with plans to regroup in the Nevada desert, but Alan stays behind with the defenders. He knows there will be no chance of seeing his wife again if he evacuates. Most of the unit Alan remains with dies, Alan barely survives.

 

In the aftermath, he searches through the decimated city for a way north. Instead, Alan finds a camp of refugees led by people in white cloaks. The leader, SAM, says he is bringing people to the Crystal Ships leaving for safety on another planet. Alan is shocked to find a bloodied Lynn among the refugees. She says her mother has been raped and murdered, and the killer is hiding with the refugees. His guilt for losing his wife compels him to help Lynn to safety—he can’t abandon anyone else.

 

Along the way, a survivalist militia stops the refugees before Alan negotiates safe passage. Sam asks Alan to join his mission, promising a way Alan can find his wife. Alan agrees on the condition that Lynn stays by his side—her mother’s killer is still on the loose. Once aboard the Crystal Ship, he is taken to a small room. After having a metaphysical experience, he awakens outside the ship wearing the white cloak of Sam’s followers.

 

Alan conducts several rescues with the Crystal Ships. As time passes, he notices disturbing changes in himself; he doesn’t thirst or hunger anymore. There are also lapses in his memory. He remembers one thing vividly, however: naked corpses being unloaded from the Crystal Ship he and Lynn are on.

 

Alan’s next memory is a gathering of the Crystal Ships and Sam’s followers in the Yosemite Valley. Here Alan learns the dark truth: the Crystal Ships aren’t saving people, but gathering them like cattle for the slaughter instead. Lynn escapes the gathering first. Alan tries to follow but is crippled by a sudden resurgence of hunger and thirst. He is captured. Sam tries to convince Alan of the righteousness of their cause: they are mercifully ending the lives of people who wouldn’t survive the new world anyway. The gathering is disrupted by an airstrike. Alan is picked up by the military observers sent to assess the damage.

 

Labeled as an enemy collaborator, Alan is interrogated and tortured for weeks. His fogged memory is perceived as deliberate aversion, and someone else is reporting that he is giving incomplete information. That someone is Lynn. She blames him for forcing her to take part in the genocide. The observers give her the opportunity to carry out Alan’s execution as retribution, but she extends him mercy instead.

 

In place of execution, Alan is banished with the mark of treason cut into his cheek so he cannot receive aid from other military outposts. They do give him a few rations, a canteen of water, and a revolver with a single bullet.

 

The power of the Crystal Ships still influences Alan’s as he travels through the devastated urban areas; they bring him to a harvest of refugees. Alan follows the crowd until he meets Sam. Before the Crystal Ship can take control of his mind again, he kills Sam and escapes.

 

His memoir ends in the ruins of Monterey with a small community of survivors. They tell him about a large fleet of sailboats, fishing boats, and yachts that anchored in the Bay a week earlier. The fleet left following a Coast Guard cutter. One of the survivors recognizes the name of the ship Alan’s wife may have been on. Alan flags down a sailboat with the hope of catching up to the fleet and finding his wife.



#5 KitCampbell

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 06:19 PM

Hello!

Still long, but hopefully it makes my MC look like less of an antagonist. 

 

 

Earth has no idea that two different types of U.F.O’s (U.F.O.s or UFOs) are heading its way. Massive BLACK SHIPS are coming to rip up civilization. Humankind is about to learn that everything it created, from the skyscraper to the smartphone, is nothing but blossoms of ore waiting to be harvested by a more advanced civilization. CRYSTAL SHIPS are coming to promise salvation for the billions of people that will soon be refugees.

 

When ALAN walks out the door that morning, he doesn’t know it’s his last chance to make things right with his wife. He’s on the way to the bar to meet a friend he’s about to spend serval (several) months with. Alan is a photojournalist heading to the Middle East. His friend belongs to the Marine Corps unit Alan will be embedded with. Before he gets to the bar, he is sidetracked by a young woman, LYNN, handing out pamphlets for a Christian outreach center. Alan flirtatiously indulges in having breakfast with her, expecting never to see her again.

 

At the bar, while drinking with his friend and the lunch crowd, strange reports broadcast over the news. One of them has footage beautiful crystalloid U.F.O.’s dazzling massive crowds in Mexico. Minutes later, sirens blare and the public announcement system recalls all military personnel back to Camp Pendleton. Alan goes on base. A black ship arrives off the coast of San Diego and begins devouring the city.

 

By the time Alan knows what’s happening, he is trapped on base by the flood of millions of people heading north to escape the black ship. He has no way of contacting his wife. He can only hope she is safe on the sailboat she was supposed to leave on with her family on that morning. The unit Alan is embedded with tries to stall the black ship when it arrives, but the massive craft is undeterred by high-explosives. Most of the base evacuates with plans to regroup in the Nevada desert, but Alan stays behind with the defenders. He knows there will be no chance of seeing his wife again if he evacuates. Most of the unit Alan remains with dies, Alan barely survives.

 

In the aftermath, he searches through the decimated city for a way north. Instead, Alan finds a camp of refugees led by people in white cloaks. The leader, SAM, says he is bringing people to the Crystal Ships leaving for safety on another planet. Alan is shocked to find a bloodied Lynn among the refugees. She says her mother has been raped and murdered, and the killer is hiding with the refugees. His guilt for losing his wife compels him to help Lynn to safety—he can’t abandon anyone else.

 

Along the way, a survivalist militia stops the refugees before Alan negotiates safe passage. Sam asks Alan to join his mission, promising a way Alan can find his wife. Alan agrees on the condition that Lynn stays by his side—her mother’s killer is still on the loose. Once aboard the Crystal Ship, he is taken to a small room. After having a metaphysical experience, he awakens outside the ship wearing the white cloak of Sam’s followers.

 

Alan conducts several rescues with the Crystal Ships. As time passes, he notices disturbing changes in himself; he doesn’t thirst or hunger anymore. There are also lapses in his memory. He remembers one thing vividly, however: naked corpses being unloaded from the Crystal Ship he and Lynn are on.

 

Alan’s next memory is a gathering of the Crystal Ships and Sam’s followers in the Yosemite Valley. Here Alan learns the dark truth: the Crystal Ships aren’t saving people, but gathering them like cattle for the slaughter instead. Lynn escapes the gathering first. Alan tries to follow but is crippled by a sudden resurgence of hunger and thirst. He is captured. Sam tries to convince Alan of the righteousness of their cause: they are mercifully ending the lives of people who wouldn’t survive the new world anyway. The gathering is disrupted by an airstrike. Alan is picked up by the military observers sent to assess the damage.

 

Labeled as an enemy collaborator, Alan is interrogated and tortured for weeks. His fogged memory is perceived as deliberate aversion, and someone else is reporting that he is giving incomplete information. That someone is Lynn. She blames him for forcing her to take part in the genocide. The observers give her the opportunity to carry out Alan’s execution as retribution, but she extends him mercy instead.

 

In place of execution, Alan is banished with the mark of treason cut into his cheek so he cannot receive aid from other military outposts. They do give him a few rations, a canteen of water, and a revolver with a single bullet.

 

The power of the Crystal Ships still influences Alan’s (Alan's what?) as he travels through the devastated urban areas; they bring him to a harvest of refugees. Alan follows the crowd until he meets Sam. Before the Crystal Ship can take control of his mind again, he kills Sam and escapes.

 

His memoir (This terminology throws me off. Is he telling the story after the fact? You might want to mention something like that sooner, as it feels abrupt down here.) ends in the ruins of Monterey with a small community of survivors. They tell him about a large fleet of sailboats, fishing boats, and yachts that anchored in the Bay a week earlier. The fleet left following a Coast Guard cutter. One of the survivors recognizes the name of the ship Alan’s wife may have been on. Alan flags down a sailboat with the hope of catching up to the fleet and finding his wife.

I feel like Alan's goals are a little unfocused throughout--I don't get a good sense of his character arc.

 

Anyway, I feel like in general, it's good--I feel like I have a good handle on the plotline and I'm not confused about anything.



#6 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 10:23 AM

This sounds like a love story lost inside an apocolyptic sci-fi adventure. The love story comes across at the end. Before that, however, it was all adventure. Because of that contrast, the ending seems out of context. For it to make more sense, you need to develop Alan's love for his wife early on, and change the flirtacious bit with Lynn.  

 

Hope this helps.

 

Perhaps you could take a look at my synopsis, RIVER PLATE BASIN. 

 

 

The people of Eearth hasve no idea that two different types of U.F.Os are heading its their way. Massive BLACK SHIPS are coming to rip up civilization. Humankind is about to learn that everything it created, from the skyscraper to the smartphone, is nothing but blossoms of ore waiting to be harvested (I find this to be akward. Ore does not blossom, nor is it harvested.) by a more advanced civilization. CRYSTAL SHIPS are also coming, and to promise salvation for the billions of people that will soon be refugees.

 

When ALAN walks out the door that morning, he doesn’t know it’s his last chance to make things right with his wife. He’s on the way to the bar to meet a friend he’s about to spend serval months with. Alan is a photojournalist heading to the Middle East. His friend belongs to the Marine Corps unit Alan will be embedded with. Before he gets to the bar, he is sidetracked by a young woman, LYNN, handing out pamphlets for a Christian outreach center. Alan flirtatiously indulges in having breakfast with her, expecting never to see her again.

 

At the bar, while drinking (He just had breakfast and now is drinking?) with his friend and the lunch crowd, strange reports broadcast over the news. One of them has footage of beautiful crystalloid U.F.O.’s dazzling massive crowds in Mexico. Minutes later, sirens blare and the public announcement system recalls all military personnel back to Camp Pendleton. Alan goes on to the base. A black ship arrives off the coast of San Diego and begins devouring the city. Akward - a ship eating a city.

 

By the time Alan knows what’s happening, he is trapped on base by the flood of millions of people heading north to escape the black ship traps him on base. (Unclear - How do a flood of people trap him on an army base?) He has no way of contacting his wife. (Did something happen to the phones? Probably should explain that, otherwise it sounds far fetched.) He can only hope she is safe on the sailboat she was supposed to leave with her family on that morning. The unit Alan is embedded with tries to stall the black ship when it arrives, (Wait a minute. It already arrived. You said so in the last para.) but the massive craft is undeterred by high-explosives. Most of the base evacuates with plans to regroup in the Nevada desert, but Alan stays behind with the defenders.(You need to explain this better. Why would anyone stay behind to defend the base when most have evacuated?)   He knows there will be no chance of seeing his wife again if he evacuates. Most of the unit Alan remains with dies, Alan barely survives.

 

In the aftermath, he searches through the decimated city, for a way heading north. Instead, Alan finds a camp of refugees led by people in white cloaks. The leader, SAM, says he is bringing people to the Crystal Ships leaving for safety on another planet. Alan is shocked to find a bloodied Lynn among the refugees. She says her mother hasd been raped and murdered, and the killer is hiding with among the refugees. His guilt for losing his wife compels him to help Lynn to safety—he can’t abandon anyone else. (I think you need to define this character more fully. Previously, he came accross as a disloyal flirt. Now, he has pangs of conscience and feels guilt for losing his wife in a situation that noone could possibly have predicted.) 

 

Along the way, a survivalist militia stops the refugees, but before Alan negotiates safe passage. Sam asks Alan to join his mission, promising a way Alan can to find his Alan's wife. Alan agrees on the condition that Lynn stays by his side—her mother’s killer is still on the loose. Once aboard the Crystal Ship, he is taken to a small room. After having a metaphysical experience, he awakens outside the ship wearing the white cloak of Sam’s followers.

 

Alan conducts several rescues with the Crystal Ships. As time passes, he notices disturbing changes in himself; he doesn’t thirst or hunger anymore. There are also lapses in his memory., but hHe remembers one thing vividly, however: naked corpses being unloaded from the Crystal Ship he and Lynn are on.

 

Alan’s next memory is of a gathering of the Crystal Ships and Sam’s followers in the Yosemite Valley. Here (Here in the memory?) Alan learns the dark truth: (grammar check - I'm pretty sure this should be a semi-colon.) the Crystal Ships aren’t saving people, but gathering them like cattle for the slaughter instead.  (You already said 'but'.) Lynn escapes the gathering first. Alan tries to follow but is crippled by a sudden resurgence of hunger and thirst. He is captured. Sam tries to convince Alan of the righteousness of their cause:(grammar check again.) they are mercifully ending the lives of people who wouldn’t survive the new world anyway. The gathering is disrupted by an airstrike. Alan is picked up by the military observers sent to assess the damage.

 

Labeled as an enemy collaborator, Alan is interrogated and tortured for weeks. His foggyed memory is perceived seen as deliberate aversion, and someone else is reporting that he is giving incomplete information. That someone is Lynn. She blames him for forcing her to take part in the genocide. The observers give her the opportunity to carry out Alan’s execution as retribution, but she extends him mercy instead.

 

In place of execution, Alan is banished with the mark of treason cut into his cheek so he does cannot receive aid from other military outposts. They do give him a few rations, a canteen of water, and a revolver with a single bullet.

 

The power memory of the Crystal Ships still influences Alan’s as he travels through the devastated urban areas; they (Who are 'they' ?) bring him to a harvest cohort of refugees. (Refugees aren't harvested.) Alan follows the crowd until he meets Sam. Before the Crystal Ship can take control of his mind again, he kills Sam and escapes.

 

His memoir ends in the ruins of Monterey with a small community of survivors. They tell him about a large fleet of sailboats, fishing boats, and yachts that anchored in the Bay a week earlier. The fleet left following a Coast Guard cutter. One of the survivors recognizes the name of the ship Alan’s wife may have been on. Alan flags down a sailboat with the hope of catching up to the fleet and finding his wife.



#7 Phaust

Phaust

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Posted 05 May 2017 - 06:00 PM

When you get a new version up, I'll happily comment. In the meanwhile, could you have a look at mine? http://agentquerycon...opsis/?p=339286






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