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Hook for Contemporary YA *Please help*

Fiction Commercial Fiction Mystery Romance Young Adult

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#1 kene

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Posted 10 February 2017 - 11:52 PM

Hi, guys. 

 

Orphan Diana Virgin is the misplaced heir to the world’s diamonds industry, but her death may be the only way to sign for it. 

 

Is this a good hook? 



#2 Castlewriter

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Posted 11 February 2017 - 12:24 AM

It's got punch via its brevity, but it doesn't really establish what we need to know about the character or the forces working against her. Specifically, what I'd like to know is: what does she need to overcome in order to win, and who (or what) is trying to stop her? Additionally, are there other characters who share the stakes?



#3 kene

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Posted 11 February 2017 - 04:13 PM

It's got punch via its brevity, but it doesn't really establish what we need to know about the character or the forces working against her. Specifically, what I'd like to know is: what does she need to overcome in order to win, and who (or what) is trying to stop her? Additionally, are there other characters who share the stakes?

That definitely makes sense, thanks. I reckon I have to maintain the intrigue no matter what. How about:

 

Orphan Diana Virgin is the misplaced heir to the worlds diamond industry, but knowing the devil, her death will be the only way to sign for it.



#4 texastea89

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 07:25 PM

Is this a hook for the beginning of a query or a pitch. 

I think this would work great in the beginning of a query where the reader is about to get more info. 

As a pitch, this might be short, and provide too little info on your character and her stakes. 



#5 kene

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 01:16 PM

Is this a hook for the beginning of a query or a pitch. 

I think this would work great in the beginning of a query where the reader is about to get more info. 

As a pitch, this might be short, and provide too little info on your character and her stakes. 

 

 

Cheers, mate. It's for a query letter. Do you reckon its a top hook? Does it do the job?



#6 Andrea Roche

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 04:07 PM

That definitely makes sense, thanks. I reckon I have to maintain the intrigue no matter what. How about:

 

Orphan Diana Virgin is the misplaced heir to the worlds diamond industry, but knowing the devil, her death will be the only way to sign for it.

 This makes no sense and is grammatically incorrect. You have left a participle dangling here and have a passive sentence. Your pronoun "it" leaves us not knowing what exactly IT is.  And what do you mean by "sign for it." ? There are way too many questions here if you don't give enough information and hope the reader actually read the query to know what the story is about, sorry they may never get there. 


Andrea Roche

Author: Nights Arose on Amazon

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Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Commercial Fiction, Mystery, Romance, Young Adult

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