Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

THE JARGON MONKEYS CLUB (YA Contemporary)


Best Answer strangeface , 20 March 2017 - 10:39 AM

Thanks everyone! I think I'm ready to send off the query now. You guys seem to all be saying that's in a pretty good place, so thanks again :)

Go to the full post


  • Please log in to reply
51 replies to this topic

#41 smithgirl

smithgirl

    smithgirl

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 266 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 17 March 2017 - 12:03 PM

Eight months. That’s how long Lucy’s gone without adding another scar on her arms. She might get used to it, so long as she stays positive. So long as nothing more? breaks her spirit.

 

 

Lucy tries not to bother her best friend Auden about her depression, about how often she’s slipped into it since her parents died. But no matter what, Despite that, they always stick by each other, so it’s easy for Lucy to go? with Auden when his hijinks prompt their school to condemn him to the Jargon Monkeys Club—its Alcoholics Anonymous-style project for treating “antisocial behaviour.” I like the AA description. Like other people, I think the name of the club is really strange, but it also doesn't make sense to try and explain that in your query.

 

I think it makes more sense to say Lucy goes with Auden, since I assume they are both leaving (going?) somewhere together. Or maybe I have that wrong.

 

At the club’s first summer meeting no comma Lucy develops a crush on the cute new girl, Ella. The conservative town they live in isn’t exactly a bastion of gay rights, and as much as Auden tries to convince her otherwise, Lucy is blind to the fact that Ella is straight. So, when Ella gets a boyfriend, it doesn’t take long for Lucy’s eight months to disappear.

 

Lucy knows that Auden notices her warning signs. The last thing she wants people to see know  (used know in previous sentence) is that her depression is back period But while with she and Ella work together and her making an original song for the club’s next concert, it’s becomes harder and harder to hide her feelings. This time, Auden’s more insistent on helping her, but Lucy's spirals downward faster than ever before, and Auden's friendship may not be enough to save her.

 

THE JARGON MONKEYS CLUB is a young adult novel, complete at 84,000 words, that is told from the perspectives of Auden and Lucy. The manuscript is available upon request.

 

My short stories have been published in [] and []. Thanks for your time and consideration.

 

Your query is clear to me now, a big improvement from the start. I made some suggestions, but they are mostly related to making it flow better, to me. Such issues are always subjective. I think it's good that you added that he was condemned to the club, indicating that being sent to the club is a bad thing. I also think the AA comparison works really well.

 

If you get a chance, could you please take a look at my query again? Thanks!  http://agentquerycon...rade-critiques/



#42 CM_Fick

CM_Fick

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 133 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Mark of Fate, Bad Caveman Publishing, 2011

    Self published works:
    Burden of Fate, 2012
    Legacy of Fate, 2016
    When the Dead Rise: Series 1, 2016

Posted 18 March 2017 - 10:51 AM

Thanks for any help you can give!

Some people have suggested writing the query from one perspective, so I've done it from Lucy's perspective.

 

Eight months. That’s how long Lucy’s gone without adding another scar on her arms. She might get used to it, (This feels like the wrong phrase here - maybe if you use something along the lines of an AA-type phrase: "So long as she stays positive -- so long as nothing breaks her spirit -- she might just make it to a year, and if she makes it to a year, she may be able to stop cutting for good." This is just my thought on the type of stakes I think you should lay out here -- and you reference it in the next sentence to refer to the club.)

 

Lucy tries not to bother her best friend Auden about her depression, about how often she’s slipped into it since her parents died. Despite that, they always stick by each other, so it’s easy for Lucy to stay with Auden when his hijinks prompt their school to condemn him to the Jargon Monkeys Club—its Alcoholics Anonymous-style project for treating “antisocial behaviour. (do you use UK/Canadian English throughout the entire ms?)

 

At the club’s first summer meeting, Lucy develops a crush on the cute new girl, Ella. The conservative town they live in isn’t exactly a bastion of gay rights, and as much as Auden tries to convince her otherwise, Lucy is blind to the fact that Ella is straight. So, when Ella gets a boyfriend, it doesn’t take long for Lucy’s eight months to disappear. (I like this paragraph, and how you worked in the info on the conservative town, although, I'm not too sure how it relates to Ella being straight.)

 

Lucy knows that Auden’s noticed her warning signs. The last thing she wants people to know is that her depression’s back, but with Ella and her making an original song for the club’s next concert, it’s becoming harder and harder to hide her feelings. This time, Auden’s more insistent on helping her, but Lucy's spiralling downward faster than ever before, and Auden's friendship may not be enough to save her. (This has all the correct info, but the flow of the first few sentences are off. Something like "Lucy knows....and the last thing..." rework the "but with Ella" into a new sentence. You've also used but and know twice in the paragraph.)

 

THE JARGON MONKEYS CLUB is a young adult (still need the genre) novel, complete at 84,000 words, that is told from the perspectives of Auden and Lucy. The manuscript is available upon request.

 

My short stories have been published in [] and []. Thanks for your time and consideration.

 

Okay, hopefully this is the most current version. I like it outside of the few places noted above. Good job narrowing down the focus! 



#43 strangeface

strangeface

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 96 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 18 March 2017 - 01:16 PM

I've updated the query again.



#44 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 18 March 2017 - 01:43 PM

Thanks for any help you can give!

Some people have suggested writing the query from one perspective, so I've done it from Lucy's perspective.

 

(Should I replace disappear with vanish in the first paragraph? I don’t know if I should avoid the rhyme or not.)

 

Eight months. That’s how long Lucy’s gone without adding another scar on her arms. As long as she stays positive, she might just make it to a year. Maybe someday her scars may disappear, as long as nothing breaks her spirit.

 

Hmm. I don't think the latter part sounds all that strong. A bit meandering, and not really hooky. Maybe something like, "Her happy thoughts help keep the blades away, but when she falls in love with one of the straightest girls ever in her small-conservative town, Lucy's lust for a kiss may only come for her razor."

 

That's a quick example of what I think you're hook should be. I'm of the school of thought a hook should stand by itself and waste no time to getting us to the central core conflict. Mainly, because that's how you wow running out-the-gate.  

 

Lucy tries not to bother her best friend Auden about her depression, about how often she’s slipped into it since her parents died. Despite her secrecy, they always stick by each other, so it’s easy for Lucy to stay with Auden when his hijinks prompt their school to condemn him to the Jargon Monkeys Club—its Alcoholics Anonymous-style project for treating “antisocial behaviour.”

 

Okay, this paragraph is much better. Clear and conicse--it sings. Great job!

 

At the club’s first summer meeting, Lucy develops a crush on the cute new girl, Ella. As much as Auden tries to convince her otherwise, Lucy is blind to the fact that Ella is straight. So, when Ella gets a boyfriend, it doesn’t take long for Lucy’s eight months to disappear.

 

The last thing Lucy wants people to know is that her depression’s back, but with Ella and her writing a song together for the club’s next concert, it’s becoming harder and harder to hide her feelings, especially from Auden, who is noticing her warning signs. The conservative town they live in isn’t exactly a bastion of gay rights, so Lucy has no idea how badly Ella would react to a confession. But as she edges closer to the point of no return, Lucy may just risk her new friendship in a last-ditch attempt to get rid of her depression.

 

I like it as is, personally. Both aspects come across, not to mention Ella already being linked to the return of her depression. No complaints

 

(I’m not sure whether I should pitch it as an attempt to get rid of her depression or an attempt to find out/get Ella to like her.)

 

THE JARGON MONKEYS CLUB is a young adult novel, complete at 84,000 words, that is told from the perspectives of Auden and Lucy. The manuscript is available upon request.

 

My short stories have been published in [] and []. Thanks for your time and consideration.

 

 

Outside my quibble with the lackluster hook--I think this one's finally turned the corner! Great job on the the stakes!


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#45 strangeface

strangeface

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 96 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 18 March 2017 - 05:02 PM

Updated the query again!



#46 suja

suja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 519 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 18 March 2017 - 05:14 PM

Thanks for any help you can give!

Some people have suggested writing the query from one perspective, so I've done it from Lucy's perspective.

 

Eight months. That’s how long Lucy’s gone without adding another scar on her arms. Her happy thoughts keep her from hurting herself, but when she falls in love with one of the straightest girls ever, Lucy’s desire for affection may only send her back into self-hatred. Nice. I like the hook.

 

Lucy tries not to bother her best friend Auden about her depression, about how often she’s slipped into it since her parents died. Despite her secrecy, they always stick by each other, so it’s easy for Lucy to stay with Auden when his hijinks prompt their school to condemn him to the Jargon Monkeys Club—its Alcoholics Anonymous-style project for treating “antisocial behaviour.” You could condense this. Maybe - Lucy's best friend Auden is well aware of her depression, though she keeps it a secret, and is her main support system. Just as she supports him when his hijinks land him in the schools' Jargon Monkeys Club--its... 

 

At the club’s first summer meeting, Lucy develops a crush on the cute new girl, Ella. As much as Auden tries to convince her otherwise, Lucy is blind to the fact that Ella is straight. So, when Ella gets a boyfriend, it doesn’t take long for Lucy’s eight months to disappear.

 

The last thing Lucy wants people to know is that her depression’s back, but with Ella and her writing a song together for the club’s next concert, it’s becoming harder and harder to hide her feelings, especially from Auden, who is noticing her warning signs. The conservative town they live in isn’t exactly a bastion of gay rights, so Lucy has no idea how badly Ella would react to a confession. But as she edges closer to the point of no return, Lucy may just risk her new friendship in a last-ditch attempt to get rid of her depression. Good stakes. Nice job.

 

THE JARGON MONKEYS CLUB is a young adult novel, complete at 84,000 words, that is told from the perspectives of Auden and Lucy. The manuscript is available upon request.

 

My short stories have been published in [] and []. Thanks for your time and consideration.

I like the query. Just a few nitpicks. 



#47 ryankalford

ryankalford

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 181 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 18 March 2017 - 05:44 PM

Thanks for any help you can give!

Some people have suggested writing the query from one perspective, so I've done it from Lucy's perspective.

 

Eight months. That’s how long Lucy’s gone without adding another scar on her arms. Her happy thoughts keep her from hurting herself, but when she falls in love with one of the straightest girls ever, Lucy’s desire for affection may only send her back into self-hatred.

 

"Self-hatred" sounds kinda weak to me. I maybe would change it to, "Lucy's desire for affection may inflict more than just another cut to hide under her sleeves." for a bit more of a biting, haunting flare (and linkage to the first sentence)...but this might be a nitpick, so see what other people say and decide from there.

 

Well...think you've pretty much got it now outside some small thing or two I'm maybe not seeing. Congrats!


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#48 CFrances

CFrances

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 378 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I have been published in Learning Through History magazine, two juried medical research journals, the MS edition of Stories of Healing, and my local newspaper.

Posted 19 March 2017 - 08:27 AM

Eight months. That’s how long Lucy’s gone without adding another scar on her arms. She might get used to it, so long as she stays positive. So long as nothing more? breaks her spirit.

 

 

Lucy tries not to bother her best friend Auden about her depression, about how often she’s slipped into it since her parents died. But no matter what, Despite that, they always stick by each other, so it’s easy for Lucy to go? with Auden when his hijinks prompt their school to condemn him to the Jargon Monkeys Club—its Alcoholics Anonymous-style project for treating “antisocial behaviour.” I like the AA description. Like other people, I think the name of the club is really strange, but it also doesn't make sense to try and explain that in your query. I agree. Comparing the club to AA clears things up considerably. I'm still not clear on why Lucy goes to the club. Is it just to support Auden, or does she have her own issues?

 

I think it makes more sense to say Lucy goes with Auden, since I assume they are both leaving (going?) somewhere together. Or maybe I have that wrong.

 

At the club’s first summer meeting no comma Lucy develops a crush on the cute new girl, Ella. The conservative town they live in isn’t exactly a bastion of gay rights, and as much as Auden tries to convince her otherwise, Lucy is blind to the fact that Ella is straight. So, when Ella gets a boyfriend, it doesn’t take long for Lucy’s eight months to disappear.Well stated.

 

Lucy knows that Auden notices her warning signs. The last thing she wants people to see know  (used know in previous sentence) is that her depression is back period But while with she and Ella work together and her making an original song for the club’s next concert, it’s becomes harder and harder to hide her feelings. This time, Auden’s more insistent on helping her, but Lucy's spirals downward faster than ever before, and Auden's friendship may not be enough to save her.

 

THE JARGON MONKEYS CLUB is a young adult novel, complete at 84,000 words, that is told from the perspectives of Auden and Lucy. The manuscript is available upon request.

 

This is getting so much clearer! I'm having a hard time seeing Lucy's depression being caused or repaired by a relationship with Ella. I think it diminishes the actual significance of depression. Is there more going on with Lucy's issues?

 

My short stories have been published in [] and []. Thanks for your time and consideration.

 

Your query is clear to me now, a big improvement from the start. I made some suggestions, but they are mostly related to making it flow better, to me. Such issues are always subjective. I think it's good that you added that he was condemned to the club, indicating that being sent to the club is a bad thing. I also think the AA comparison works really well.

 

If you get a chance, could you please take a look at my query again? Thanks!  http://agentquerycon...rade-critiques/



#49 CM_Fick

CM_Fick

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 133 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Mark of Fate, Bad Caveman Publishing, 2011

    Self published works:
    Burden of Fate, 2012
    Legacy of Fate, 2016
    When the Dead Rise: Series 1, 2016

Posted 19 March 2017 - 11:45 PM

First off, Thank you for splicing together my hook!! I feel a little foolish now lol. Hopefully I can be as helpful for you as you were for me. 

 

 

Thanks for any help you can give!

Some people have suggested writing the query from one perspective, so I've done it from Lucy's perspective.

 

Eight months. That’s how long Lucy’s gone without adding another scar on her arms. Her happy thoughts keep her from hurting herself, but when she falls in love with one of the straightest girls ever, Lucy’s desire for affection may only send her back into self-hatredis this how Lucy identifies the cutting in the ms? or you could use something about her regressing: "...affection may cause her to regress." I like the setup otherwise. 

 

Lucy tries not to bother her best friend Auden about her depression, about how often she’s slipped into it since her parents died. Despite her secrecy, they always stick by each other, so it’s easy for Lucy to stay with Auden when his hijinks prompt their school to condemn him to the Jargon Monkeys Club—its Alcoholics Anonymous-style project for treating “antisocial behaviour.” 

 

At the club’s first summer meeting, Lucy develops a crush on the cute new girl, Ella. As much as Auden tries to convince her otherwise, Lucy is blind to the fact that Ella is straight. So, when Ella gets a boyfriend, it doesn’t take long for Lucy’s eight months to disappear. There's one or two spots where I could be nit-pickey in these two previous paragraphs, but this is clear, concise, and tightly written. 

 

The last thing Lucy wants people to know is that her depression’s back, but with Ella and her writing a song together for the club’s next concert, it’s becoming harder and harder to hide her feelings, especially from Auden, who is noticing her warning signs. This sentence reads long. It may be because you cover what all 3 characters are doing. It feels like a lot: her depression, Ella and the song, hard to hide, noticing the signs.) The conservative town they live in isn’t exactly a bastion of gay rights, so Lucy has no idea how badly are you implying that she expects her to react badly because of the conservative town? If not, then I'd take badly out. Ella would react to a confession. But as she edges closer to the point of no return, Lucy may just risk her new friendship in a last-ditch attempt to get rid of her depression.

 

THE JARGON MONKEYS CLUB is a young adult novel, complete at 84,000 words, that is told from the perspectives of Auden and Lucy. The manuscript is available upon request.

 

My short stories have been published in [] and []. Thanks for your time and consideration.

 

So I didn't have too much to critique. This looks really good. It's come quite a ways since the first version. Well done! 



#50 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 209 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 20 March 2017 - 03:34 AM

I think your query is good and clear :smile: .

 

The only unclear part of it, IMO, was its end: how can a confession help her when Ella loves another person?

 

Eight months. That’s how long Lucy’s gone without adding another scar on her arms. Her happy thoughts keep her from hurting herself, but when she falls in love with one of the straightest girls ever, Lucy’s desire for affection may only send her back into self-hatred. (It's good, but the focus it too much on the unimportant detail of the eight months, and it's too long and complicated. how about something like: "Lucy hasn't hurt herself for eight months now, but when she falls in love with a straight girl, her desire for affection may only send her back into self-hatred.")

 

Lucy tries not to bother her best friend Auden about her depression, about how often she’s slipped into it since her parents died. Despite her secrecy, they always stick by each other, so it’s easy for Lucy to stay with Auden when his hijinks prompt their school to condemn him to the Jargon Monkeys Club—its Alcoholics Anonymous-style project for treating “antisocial behaviour.”

 

At the club’s first summer meeting, Lucy develops a crush on the cute new girl, Ella. As much as Auden tries to convince her otherwise, Lucy is blind to the fact that Ella is straight. So, when Ella gets a boyfriend, it doesn’t take long for Lucy’s eight months to disappear.

 

The last thing Lucy wants people to know is that her depression’s back, but with Ella and her writing a song together for the club’s next concert, (comma) and Auden noticing her warning signs, it’s becoming harder and harder to hide her feelings. The conservative town they live in isn’t exactly a bastion of gay rights, so Lucy has no idea how badly Ella would react to a confession. But as she edges closer to the point of no return, Lucy may just risk her new friendship in a last-ditch attempt to get rid of her depression.

 

THE JARGON MONKEYS CLUB is a young adult novel, complete at 84,000 words, that is told from the perspectives of Auden and Lucy. The manuscript is available upon request.

 

My short stories have been published in [] and []. Thanks for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks for your comments on my query!

 

Would you like to see my last version? http://agentquerycon...ue/#entry336414



#51 smithgirl

smithgirl

    smithgirl

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 266 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 20 March 2017 - 09:25 AM

Eight months. That’s how long Lucy’s gone without adding another scar on her arms. Her happy thoughts Happy thoughts sounds a bit flippant to me. I would try to make it more serious. A recent sense of contentment... keep her from hurting herself, but when she falls in love with one of the straightest girls ever, Lucy’s desire for affection may only send her back into self-hatred. I think you could find something better than self-hatred. It makes your query sound very negative. 

 

My point about the happy thoughts thing is that I think people tend to use the expression in a way that comes across as flippant: Just think happy thoughts! I think you should try to avoid that implication, clarify that she is genuinely doing better.

 

Lucy tries not to bother her best friend Auden about her depression, about how often she’s slipped into it since her parents died. Despite her secrecy, I still think you could have a better transitions between these two sentences. Part of what makes their friendship so strong is that they stick together, even when they can't always say everything they want to.  they always stick by each other, So it’s easy for Lucy to stay with Auden when his hijinks prompt their school to condemn him to the Jargon Monkeys Club—its Alcoholics Anonymous-style project for treating “antisocial behaviour.”

 

At the club’s first summer meeting, Lucy develops a crush on the cute new girl, Ella. As much as Auden tries to convince her otherwise, Lucy is blind to the fact that Ella is straight. So, when Ella gets a boyfriend, it doesn’t take long for Lucy’s eight months to disappear. I liked it how you had it before, with the bastion of gay rights thing here. 

 

The last thing Lucy wants people to know is that her depression’s back, but with Ella and her writing a song together for the club’s next concert and Auden noticing her warning signs, it’s becoming harder and harder to hide her feelings. The conservative town they live in isn’t exactly a bastion of gay rights, so Lucy has no idea how badly Ella would react to a confession. I think this last part is implied. But as she edges closer to the point of no return, Lucy may just risk her new friendship in a last-ditch attempt to get rid of her depression. 

I think this also sounds a bit flippant, because it's not so easy to get rid of depression. And isn't she sad because her parents died? I think you might change the wording, not imply she will rid herself of depression entirely, but that she will find relief from it.  Another thing is that it sounds like Lucy is only motivated to be with Ella to kick the depression, but I think she also has feelings of love. That part gets lost here. 

 

THE JARGON MONKEYS CLUB is a young adult novel, complete at 84,000 words, that is told from the perspectives of Auden and Lucy. The manuscript is available

 

I actually liked your previous closing paragraph better. I think this is a strong closing. 

 

Lucy knows that Auden notices her warning signs. The last thing she wants people to see know  (used know in previous sentence) is that her depression is back period But while with she and Ella work together and her making an original song for the club’s next concert, it’s becomes harder and harder to hide her feelings. This time, Auden’s more insistent on helping her, but Lucy's spirals downward faster than ever before, and Auden's friendship may not be enough to save her.

 

I actually liked the last query version more than this one. I think this one has introduced some new phrasing that detracts. I hope I'm no total contradiction with everyone else when I say this; I know how frustrating it is when everyone says something different. Good luck and thanks for stopping by.



#52 strangeface

strangeface

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 96 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 20 March 2017 - 10:39 AM   Best Answer

Thanks everyone! I think I'm ready to send off the query now. You guys seem to all be saying that's in a pretty good place, so thanks again :)






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users