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Pitch for Pitch Madness. Help!


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#1 texastea89

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 07:18 PM

Hey all! 

 

Preparing for Pitch Madness. Entering my YA low fantasy MS.

 

 

1. Sehar races to Cairo to stop the genocide of her tribe. She’s ready for war until the battlefield becomes her heart. Avis, the enemy, did more than kidnap her people. He also stole her heart. 

 

2. Sehar races to stop the genocide of her tribe. Avis is the enemy, but he's also her mate. A war rages around her but the battlefield is becoming her heart. Her choice: loyalty or love?

 

I have been so busy typing away at my edit I forgot to actually focus on my pitch. Opps. How is the above for a start? As always, happy to return the favor. 



#2 Castlewriter

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 09:34 PM

It needs a little more. We need a quick one or two words telling us Sehar's primary flaw, and another one or two words about Avis's primary strength. We also need a word or two about the stakes -- yes, it's a battlefield, yes, there's a war, but who or what is on the line?



#3 Kat_A_Turner

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 12:55 PM

I like #2 better, but I think you could do some rewording and combining for maximum clarity. I agree with the above poster that the stakes could be clearer. 

 

Something like: While Sehar battles to stop the genocide of her tribe, she falls in love with her enemy commander. Will she betray her people and follow her heart or choose loyalty over love?






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