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Siddhi: Vasitva (Sci-fi/Fantasy/Mythology) - Update in post 56

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#1 punitrastogi

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 05:27 AM

The updated version with an all-new structure is at post 56:

 

http://agentquerycon...48/#entry336301

 

All of us have grown up with stories and mythologies of our own religious beliefs. Gods, lesser-gods, monsters, demons, angels, et al. But what if these stories were not just stories? What if they were accounts, lost in translation and adulterated with time?

On the second day of 2016, Karan wakes up in the bedroom of Chhaya, who he met at a party. He is ecstatic to finally find the girl of his dreams, and he cannot wait to make her meet his closest friends. When the group visits Goa to celebrate the Valentine’s Day, Karan gears up to express his feelings towards Chhaya. And then his life unfolds a chapter that blurs the gap between mythology and reality, fiction and the truth, love/friendship and manipulation.

As he learns about his ancestry, his connection with the Ramayan, and the role he is destined to play in a civil war across the Milky Way galaxy, Karan must take a decision that impacts his friends, humanity, and multiple civilizations that he did not even know existed. What does Karan decide, when he finds out that nothing in his life is what it seems, and almost everything that he has ever known has been crafted around his role as a Possessor?

Vasitva, the first in an eight part Siddhi series, is completely written in first-person real-time narrative. It is done to be consistent with a revelation to be made in a subsequent entry in the series. It is complete at 100000 words, with a new indigenous language developed specifically for the series. A sample of which, is included in the first three chapters of the book given below.

Thank you so much for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.



#2 Testome

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 07:50 AM



All of us have grown up with stories and mythologies of our own religious beliefs. Gods, lesser-gods, monsters, demons, angels, et al. But what if these stories were not just stories? What if they were accounts, lost in translation and adulterated with time? questions are not advisable in queries and this isnt a hook or detailed enough to remain.

 

On the second day of 2016,not really useful. Karan wakes up in the bedroom of Chhaya, who he met at a party. He is ecstatic to finally find the girl of his dreams, and he cannot wait to make her meet his closest friends. When the group visits Goa to celebrate the Valentine’s Day, Karan gears up to express his feelings towards Chhaya. And then his life unfolds a chapter that blurs the gap between mythology and reality, fiction and the truth, love/friendship and manipulation. So vague it doesn't tell us anything.

 

As he learns about his ancestry, his connection with the Ramayan, and the role he is destined to play in a civil war across the Milky Way galaxy, Karan must take a decision that impacts his friends, humanity, and multiple civilizations that he did not even know existed. So vague it doesn't tell us anything.What does Karan decide, when he finds out that nothing in his life is what it seems, and almost everything that he has ever known has been crafted around his role as a Possessor? So vague it doesn't tell us anything.

 

Vasitva, the first in an eight part Siddhi series, agents are usually put off by a series mention. Sell this this book first. is completely written in first-person real-time narrative.Not necessary. It is done to be consistent with a revelation to be made in a subsequent entry in the series. Not useful.It is complete at 100000 words, with a new indigenous language developed specifically for the series. leave it to the novel.A sample of which, is included in the first three chapters of the book given below. They already expect sample pages.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.and consideration.

First, most of this query is so vague you don't tell us anything.  

You also introduce things without giving us enough info(a war? the Ramayan?)

A query should answer these: Who is the mc, what do they want, what stands in their way, what happens when they fail? Also, you need a hook at the beginning.

Vagueness is a real query killer.



#3 hermitage

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 07:10 PM



All of us have grown up with stories and mythologies of our own religious beliefs. Gods, lesser-gods, monsters, demons, angels, et al. [Maybe "etc." is better than "et al" here?] But what if these stories were not just stories? What if they were accounts, lost in translation and adulterated with time? [I wonder if there is a shorter, punchier way to say all this -- and a way that differentiates it from what has already been written on the subject.]

 

On the second day of 2016, Karan wakes up in the bedroom of Chhaya, who he met at a party [This doesn't flow very well]. He is He's ecstatic to finally find  have finally found the girl of his dreams, and he cannot [I say use contractions for a query like this] wait to make her meet his closest friends. When the group visits Goa to celebrate the Valentine’s Day, Karan gears up to express his feelings towards Chhaya. And then his life unfolds a chapter [awkward wording] that blurs the gap between mythology and reality, fiction and the truth, love/friendship and manipulation. [This is pretty vague. How about telling us what happens?]

 

As he learns about his ancestry, his connection with the Ramayan, and the role he is destined to play in a civil war across the Milky Way galaxy, Karan must take a decision that impacts his friends, humanity, and multiple civilizations that he did not even know existed. What does Karan decide, when he finds out that nothing in his life is what it seems, and almost everything that he has ever known has been crafted around his role as a Possessor? [Again, this is super vague.]

 

Vasitva, the first in an eight part Siddhi series [saying this is most commonly discouraged], is completely written in first-person real-time narrative [is that important enough to occupy your precious space on this page?]. It is done to be consistent with a revelation to be made in a subsequent entry in the series [This whole sentence seems like a negative]. It is complete at 100,000 words, with a new indigenous language developed specifically for the series. A sample of which, [awkward grammar, super weird punctuation] is included in the first three chapters of the book given below.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.



#4 punitrastogi

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 01:35 AM

Hello,

 

Thank you so much for your feedback.

 

I have a question though, based on the comments provided:

Is it ok to give away a lot of spoilers in the query?

If yes, is it because the agent will anyway be reading the text before the publisher and the audience?

If no, how to avoid being vague without giving away the spoilers of the plot?

 

I have also updated the query a bit.

Thanks again for your time and suggestions. :)

----------------

 

All of us have grown up with stories and mythologies of our own religious beliefs. Gods, lesser-gods, monsters, demons, angels, etc. Karan also though that these were only stories. Until he discovered his connection to them.

 

Karan is head over heels with Chhaya, who he met at a party not very long ago. He is ecstatic to have finally found the girl of his dreams. But just as he begins to try and express his feelings, Chhaya reveals that she belongs to a class of extra-terrestrials considered by our ancestors as agents of the Gods.

 

Karan discovers that his entire life has been an illusion, crafted around him because of his true ancestry, and his role as a Possessor of a Siddhi. Before he battles in an imminent galactic civil war, Karan must win a battle between his emotions and his responsibilities. But nothing comes in life without a cost.

 

Siddhi: Vasitva, is complete at 100000 words.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time and consideration.



#5 Testome

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 09:00 AM



Hello,

 

Thank you so much for your feedback.

 

I have a question though, based on the comments provided:

Is it ok to give away a lot of spoilers in the query?

If yes, is it because the agent will anyway be reading the text before the publisher and the audience? 

If no, how to avoid being vague without giving away the spoilers of the plot?Most queries I see don't go beyond Act 1 usually give us all the details we need and the stakes are tied to a choice the main character has to make.  There is just no place vagueness.

 

I have also updated the query a bit.

Thanks again for your time and suggestions. :)

----------------

 

All of us have grown up with stories and mythologies of our own religious beliefs. Gods, lesser-gods, monsters, demons, angels, etc. Karan also though that these were only stories. Until he discovered his connection to them. This is still too vague for a hook.

 

Karan is head over heels in love? this line is also cliche.with Chhaya, who he met at a party not very long ago. He is ecstatic to have finally found the girl of his dreams. But just as he begins to try and express his feelings, Chhaya reveals that she belongs to a class of extra-terrestrials considered by our ancestors as agents of the Gods.

 

Karan discovers that his entire life has been an illusion, crafted around him because of his true ancestry What is it?, and his role as a Possessor of a Siddhi. This is still vague.Before he battles in an imminent galactic civil war Why must he?, Karan must win a battle between his emotions and his responsibilities. But nothing comes in life without a cost. There is no context here. It reads like a list of bullet points on a spread sheet.

 

Siddhi: Vasitva, is complete at 100000 words.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time and consideration.

Have you read query shark archives? They would be quite helpful I think.



#6 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 01:40 AM

Thank you Hermitage and Testome for your time and feedback.

I think I understand what you mean by the vagueness, and I have tried to eliminate that in the updated version below:

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

All of us have grown up with stories and mythologies of our own religious beliefs. Gods, lesser-gods, monsters, demons, angels, etc. Karan also thought that these were just stories. Until he discovered that his ancestry has direct relations to the epic tale of Ramayan.

 

Karan had met Chhaya at a party and had developed an instant liking to her. His best friend Harshit was sceptical of her, but he had made up his mind to express his feelings to her.

 

But before he could do that, Chhaya revealed to him that she is part of a class of extra-terrestrials which the ancient humans had believed to be the agents of God. To Karan’s dismay, she said that he is one of the 8 Possessors of the genes that contain the skills or Siddhis created during the period of the Ramayan. She needs his help in bringing all the Possessors together and stop an impending civil war in the galaxy.

 

As a shocked Karan narrated this to Harshit, he in turn revealed that he is part of a clan called the Protectors assigned to ensure the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors. Contrary to Harshit's claims, Karan is convinced that his best friend is in his life because of a responsibility and not because of their friendship.

 

Now, a heartbroken and hurt Karan must decide between forgiving those who deceived him and accept his destiny as a key player in the civil war; or condemning them and cause the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy. But none of his choices, come without a dear cost.

 

Siddhi: Vasitva, is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.



#7 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 09:59 AM

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#8 punitrastogi

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 12:28 AM

Hi,

 

Below is the updated version of the query.

 

Any feedback to it would be highly appreciated.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

All of us have grown up with stories and mythologies of our own religious beliefs. Gods, lesser-gods, monsters, demons, angels, etc. Karan also thought that these were only stories. Until he discovered that his ancestry has direct relations to the Ramayan.

 

Karan meets Chhaya at a party and develops an instant liking to her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. Unknown to them, it is revealed that Chhaya is an extra-terrestrial who has been looking for Karan.

 

Before Karan could tell Chhaya about his feelings, she reveals that she belongs to a class of extra-terrestrials believed by the ancient humans to be the agents of God. To Karan’s dismay, she says that he is part of one of the 8 lineages of Possessors, that have carried the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman since the period of the Ramayan. She needs his help in assimilating the other 8 Possessors together to stop an impending civil war in the galaxy.

 

As a shocked Karan narrates this to Harshit, he in turn reveals that he is part of a clan called the Protectors assigned to ensure the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors.

 

Now, a heartbroken and hurt Karan must decide between forgiving those who deceived him and accept his destiny; or condemning them and cause the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy. But none of his choices, come without a cost.

 

Siddhi: Vasitva, is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.



#9 Fiender

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 01:39 AM

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

All of us have grown up with stories and mythologies of our own religious beliefs. Gods, lesser-gods, monsters, demons, angels, etc. Start with your character, not a vague concept. Also, etc. sounds way too casual to belong in a pitch to an agent. Karan also thought that these were only stories. Until he discovered that his ancestry has direct relations to the Ramayan. I don't know what this word means. Is it one you've made up or a mythological word to a real-world culture? Again, I don't know and it feels like you're assuming the reader will. And you've yet to personify Karan or give us a reason to be interested in HIM, not his "destiny".

 

Karan meets Chhaya at a party and develops an instant liking to her. Okay, why? What makes her special? Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s this is the fourth name you've given us (counting Ramayan). That's probably too many; you could likely call Harshit "the best friend" or w/e and that would be fine. Assuming you even need to mention this character in the query advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. Unknown to them, it is revealed If it's unknown to them, how is it revealed? It sounds like there's a part of your book that happens behind Karan's back where it's revealed that Chhaya is an alien, but don't word it like that in a query. A query is almost like a little story in itself, and in a real story, you wouldn't just type "Oh and Chhaya's a martian." that Chhaya is an extra-terrestrial who has been looking for Karan.

 

Before Karan could tell Chhaya about his feelings, she reveals that she belongs to a class of extra-terrestrials believed by the ancient humans to be the agents of God. To Karan’s dismay, she says that he is part of one of the 8 lineages of Possessors, that have carried the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman since the period of the Ramayan Again, I don't know if these are words you have invented or if they are actual mythological references. Either way, you should assume the reader doesn't know, and either explain (which would take more of the precious, limited space you have in a query) or cut it down and include only the most necessary facts. She needs his help in assimilating the other 8 Possessors together to stop an impending civil war in the galaxy. Plot plot plot. Lots of books are about war and galaxies and stuff. You're not going to win an agent by telling them that your book is #24000000 that features a war. I know nothing about what kind of person Karan is. He likes a girl and has a destiny. How many books/movies/etc have main characters that you could describe as "They like a girl, and they have a destiny"?

 

As a shocked Karan narrates this to Harshit Not to be immature, but if you're aiming this at English speaking readers, the fact that one of your characters' name will read to most English speakers as "Harsh Shit" ... might be enough reason to change the name, he in turn reveals that he is part of a clan called the Protectors assigned to ensure the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors. Another faction to keep track of? Waaaaaay too much stuff, and it's not being portrayed in an engaging manner. :/

 

Now, a heartbroken and hurt Karan must decide between forgiving those who deceived him and accept his destiny; or condemning them and cause the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy ...I'm assuming you didn't write a book where the main character sits at home and lives a normal life instead of going out and being a galactic hero. Therefore, there's no tension in this "choice". . But none of his choices, Why this comma? come without a cost.

 

Siddhi: Vasitva On the title, it has two words that I don't know. It's come up a lot, and if the words you're using are based on a real-world culture, it's one I'm not familiar with. My own shortcoming to be sure, but if you intend to sell this to a primarily English-speaking audience, I think you should assume anyone reading this will have no familiarity with these words. (Again, assuming they're from an existing culture)., is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.

 

__________________________________

 

Hello!

So, I noticed two major issues immediately. First, you have not made your character, Karan, engaging at all. He doesn't do anything of consequence in the query, except have things revealed to him. That's very passive and I don't believe that sort of writing will get you an agent.

Second, there is too much minutia in here. Chayya is a this and that, and Harshit is a someone who does this, and Karan is an inheritor of this and that, which belonged to these people and that's apparently important for some reason. That may sound like a harsh summary of your query, but to the reader, that's what it will sounds like. Most of the words you use aren't going to have meaning for anyone; you need to choose the most important parts/characters (probably only need 1 or 2 named people or factions in the query), and then make a query based on that.

 

Start with Karan; give us a very quick and intriguing look at what kind of person he is. NOT HIS DESTINY. You could tell us he is the inheritor of some great galactic empire, or that he is a pauper living off scraps on the street. That doesn't let me envision who. He. Is. Is he a nice person? Teenage, adult? Is he impulsive, or considerate? Is he a fighter, or a runner? Give us one or two lines that grab our attention while letting us know who Karan actually is.

 

Then, and I know it can be hard, force yourself to only include two proper names in the query, and I mean names for people or factions or what have you. Right now, you have Karan, Ramayan, Chhaya, Harshit, Possessors, Sigghis, Hanuman, and Protectors. Waaaaay too many, and it doesn't help that the two factions who are apparently at odds (The Possessors and Protectors) have such similar names. Whether or not the query that actually gets you published features more than two names, I believe writing at least one version with only two can help you see how much you can trim this down.

 

Lastly, decide how much you actually need to put into the query. Usually, you don't have a lot of room to flesh out every story, character or subplot in your book into 200-ish words. It's up to you ultimately what parts of your story make it into the book, but you cannot fit the whole thing into a few paragraphs, and have it all sound interesting. Something, likely several things, will have to go.

 

Anywho, those are my thoughts. Obviously, it is up to you to decide what to do with your query, but I hope my ramblings will help! :)



#10 punitrastogi

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 02:16 AM

Thank you Fiender for the detailed analysis and feedback.

Your investment and effort into my request is highly appreciated.

 

Like I said in my post for the synopsis, a lot of these things are native to my culture. Some examples are given below:

1. Ramayan - A mythological epic featuring some of the biggest Gods and Monsters in Hindu culture. I understand that it might not be well known to the westeren world, but they are not my primary audience, and I hope that if the book eventually reaches them, it would bring an inclination to know about it and an acceptance towards the title.

2. Hanuman - A character in Ramayan and a demi-god the Hindu culture. He has his own stories, legends, and a god-like stature in my culture. Again, the background is similar.

3. Siddhis - Hanuman is known to have 8 siddhis. The english meaning of "Siddhi" is an "Achieved skill".

4. Vasitva - One of the 8 siddhis of Hanuman. My eight part book series is based on the 8 siddhis of Hanuman, which are also mentioned in the book, but not in the query. Because I was told that mentioning that this is a series might put-off a few agents. Hence "Siddhi: Vasitva" will be followed by "Siddhi: Laghima" and others.

5. Harshit - Its a fairly common name in India. Nothing to do with mythology, but it literally means 'a happy state of mind'.

 

I am sure that Points 1,2,and 5 would be known to the agents. Probably point 3 as well.

Point 4 is what the book is about, hence the emphasis in the query.

 

 

I totally get your point in the structure and approach in the query. I will work on that and post the updated version soon.

I Hope that you would keep an eye out it. :)

 

Thanks again for all the help and for highlighting the questions one might have after reading this.



#11 punitrastogi

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 02:55 AM

Hello!

So, I noticed two major issues immediately. First, you have not made your character, Karan, engaging at all. He doesn't do anything of consequence in the query, except have things revealed to him. That's very passive and I don't believe that sort of writing will get you an agent. (Point taken and the content updated)

Second, there is too much minutia in here. Chayya is a this and that, and Harshit is a someone who does this, and Karan is an inheritor of this and that, which belonged to these people and that's apparently important for some reason. That may sound like a harsh summary of your query, but to the reader, that's what it will sounds like. Most of the words you use aren't going to have meaning for anyone; you need to choose the most important parts/characters (probably only need 1 or 2 named people or factions in the query), and then make a query based on that. I have used only 3 characters and 2 factions.  Chhaya would be incomplete with the mythological reference, and Harshit would be incomplete without the Protectors reference. And Karan's dilemma would be incomplete without the two of them. So, I guess I did not have much room left to play with. The book contains at least 5 more characters and couple more factions at play. I guess this is the best I could do.

 

Start with Karan; give us a very quick and intriguing look at what kind of person he is. NOT HIS DESTINY. You could tell us he is the inheritor of some great galactic empire, or that he is a pauper living off scraps on the street. That doesn't let me envision who. He. Is. Is he a nice person? Teenage, adult? Is he impulsive, or considerate? Is he a fighter, or a runner? Give us one or two lines that grab our attention while letting us know who Karan actually is. (Point taken and the content updated. Hope it works.)

 

Then, and I know it can be hard, force yourself to only include two proper names in the query, and I mean names for people or factions or what have you. Right now, you have Karan, Ramayan, Chhaya, Harshit, Possessors, Sigghis, Hanuman, and Protectors. Waaaaay too many, and it doesn't help that the two factions who are apparently at odds (The Possessors and Protectors) have such similar names(Possessors and Protectors are not at odds. They are parallel to each other. Having said that, I can think about changing the names of the Protectors to something which is not already used.). Whether or not the query that actually gets you published features more than two names, I believe writing at least one version with only two can help you see how much you can trim this down.

 

Lastly, decide how much you actually need to put into the query. Usually, you don't have a lot of room to flesh out every story, character or subplot in your book into 200-ish words. It's up to you ultimately what parts of your story make it into the book, but you cannot fit the whole thing into a few paragraphs, and have it all sound interesting. Something, likely several things, will have to go.

 

Anywho, those are my thoughts. Obviously, it is up to you to decide what to do with your query, but I hope my ramblings will help! :) It sure did. Thanks again :)

 

 

With that said, the updated version of the query is given below:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Karan grew up with the mythology of his religious belief featuring Gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, his best friends, and the girl of his dreams. But everything changes when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur. 

 

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking to her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. Unknown to him, Chhaya was the one looking for him to complete her own mission.

 

Before Karan could tell Chhaya about his feelings, she reveals that the Gods and Monsters are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the agents of God. To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, one of the 8 lineages of Possessors that have carried the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman since the period of the Ramayan. She requests his help in assimilating the other 8 Possessors to stop an impending civil war in the galaxy.

 

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he is part of a clan called the Protectors, assigned to ensure the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors.

 

Now, a heartbroken and hurt Karan is expected to come out of his reclusive shell and use his powers to save the galaxy. But his sensitive heart doesn’t want to forgive those who deceived him. That is until tragedy strikes home, and he is forced to take a stand.

 

Siddhi: Vasitva is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.



#12 Cez

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 08:31 AM

With that said, the updated version of the query is given below:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Karan (age?) grew up with the mythology of his religious belief (this puzzles me a bit, are these like myths he believes in? What does his religion have to do with the myths? And is this real life today, or an invented world?) featuring Gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, his best friends, and the girl of his dreams. But everything changes when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur. I like this line, it's catchy.

 

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl this had me confused. I thought you said he already had the girl of his dreams., and he develops an instant liking to/for her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. Unknown to him, Chhaya was the one looking for him to complete her own mission. I suggest you focus on Karan at first. and combine this paragraph with the next one. Someting like: Karan's declaration of love goes miserably wrong when he discovers Chhaya is a demon/angel/alien... who has been looking for him. Before Karan could tell Chhaya about his feelings, She reveals that the Gods and Monsters are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the agents of God.

 

To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, one of the 8 lineages of Possessors that have carried the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman since the period of the Ramayan. She requests his help in assimilating the other 8 Possessors to stop an impending civil war in the galaxy. This part had me confused. I'm guessing you've got a huge and complicated world, and condensing it in a query is hard (you have all my sympathy) Is there any way you can simplify this? if not, is it absolutely necessary to explain it in your query? I like the idea of these lineages, though I have no idea why they are so important, and what will happen if Chhaya doesn't find the Possessors.

 

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he is part of a clan called the Protectors, assigned to ensure the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors. Again, this is confusing.  I suggest you leave his best friend out of the query, it's best to introduce as few people as possible.

 

Now, a heartbroken and hurt Karan is expected to come out of his reclusive shell and use his powers to save the galaxy. But his sensitive heart doesn’t want to forgive those who deceived him. That is until tragedy strikes home, and he is forced to take a stand. This is a bit vague and your query deserves a stronger ending. Do aliens blow up his home? What powers does he have and how shocked is he to have the? Does Chhaya wisk him away to the world of the extra-terrestrials? Does he and Chhaya develop a romantic relationship? Who are the villains?

 

Siddhi: Vasitva is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.

This story sounds very interesting, you just need to flesh out your query a little bit more. My main concern is that I don't know who the villain is, or what will happen if Karan fails. What are the stakes?

Good luck. I'd like to read your next version.



#13 punitrastogi

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 01:49 AM

Thanks Cez

There were a few aspects that I had changed previously, though I have no idea why I did that.

So, reverting back to them, and with suggestions from you, here's the updated version...

############

Karan grew up with a religious mythology featuring gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, great friends, and the girl of his dreams. But his perfect life would soon crumble when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur.

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking for her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her.

But his dreams get destroyed when Chhaya reveals that the mythological creatures in multiple religions are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the Angels. She adds that since the period of the Ramayan, 8 lineages of Possessors have passed on the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman.

To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, giving him the power of telepathic control. She confesses that she has been looking for him to request his help in assimilating the other Possessors, and stop an impending galactic civil war.

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he has been Karan’s best friend because he is part of a lineage called the Protectors. The Protectors are responsible for the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors.

Now, a hurt and shattered Karan must choose between forgiving those who deceived him and accepting his destiny, or condemning them and causing the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy. But as he soon finds out, none of the choices come without a cost.

Siddhi: Vasitva is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.

#14 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 12:21 AM

Awaiting comments and suggestions on the version below:

Karan grew up with a religious mythology featuring gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, great friends, and the girl of his dreams. But his perfect life would soon crumble when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur.

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking for her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her.

But his dreams get destroyed when Chhaya reveals that the mythological creatures in multiple religions are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the Angels. She adds that since the period of the Ramayan, 8 lineages of Possessors have passed on the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman.

To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, giving him the power of telepathic control. She confesses that she has been looking for him to request his help in assimilating the other Possessors, and stop an impending galactic civil war.

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he has been Karan’s best friend because he is part of a lineage called the Protectors. The Protectors are responsible for the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors.

Now, a hurt and shattered Karan must choose between forgiving those who deceived him and accepting his destiny, or condemning them and causing the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy. But as he soon finds out, none of the choices come without a cost.

Siddhi: Vasitva is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.



#15 SRPasternack

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 11:27 AM

Karan grew up with a religious mythology featuring gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, great friends, and the girl of his dreams. But his perfect life would soon crumble crumbles when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur.

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking for her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. I was under the impression from the hook that Karan and Chhaya were already a couple. Wouldn't the girl of his dreams get along with his best friend?

But his dreams get destroyed when Chhaya reveals that the mythological creatures in multiple religions are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the Angels. She adds that since the period of the Ramayan, 8 lineages of Possessors have passed on the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman. I'm passingly familiar with Hindu mythology and this is still a little too much for me. Someone who has no idea what the Ramayan(a?) is, and who Hanuman is, is going to be swimming by the end of this sentence. Is your intended audience going to be primarily people familiar with this mythology? If not, I'd change these terms into something more generic. Maybe something like, "She informs him that he is a Possessor, and within him is the remnant of a god's magic passed down since ancient times." Or something like that. That's kind of clunky, but eh whaddayagonnado).

To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, giving him the power of telepathic control. Why dismay? That sounds pretty awesome. She confesses that she has been looking for him to request his help in assimilating the other Possessors, and stop an impending galactic civil war.

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he has been Karan’s best friend because he is part of a lineage called the Protectors. The Protectors are responsible for the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors. At this point in the query, I wonder if Chhaya and Harshit are enemies, on opposite sides of a conflict, or if they work together toward the same end. This could be another point of struggle for Karan: having to decide between the two of them.

Now, a hurt and shattered Karan must choose between forgiving those who deceived him and accepting his destiny, or condemning them and causing the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy. But as he soon finds out, none of the choices come without a cost.

Siddhi: Vasitva SIDDHI: VASITVA is complete at 100,000 words and is ready for your consideration.


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#16 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 12:23 PM

Thanks SRPasternack.

That was informative and fun. :)

 

Below are my responses to your points.

 

 

 

Karan grew up with a religious mythology featuring gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, great friends, and the girl of his dreams. But his perfect life would soon crumble crumbles when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur.

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking for her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. I was under the impression from the hook that Karan and Chhaya were already a couple. (The first paragraph is the hook with an intro to what is going to happen. This para is where the story begins. Not sure if this is a good idea and/or it is coming across nicelyWouldn't the girl of his dreams get along with his best friend? (Coz he is a cynic and Protector of Karan. Detailed more in the synopsis)

But his dreams get destroyed when Chhaya reveals that the mythological creatures in multiple religions are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the Angels. She adds that since the period of the Ramayan, 8 lineages of Possessors have passed on the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman. I'm passingly familiar with Hindu mythology and this is still a little too much for me. Someone who has no idea what the Ramayan(a?) is, and who Hanuman is, is going to be swimming by the end of this sentence. Is your intended audience going to be primarily people familiar with this mythology? (That is correct. Like I said in a previous reply, I understand that these concepts might not be well known in the west, but they are not my primary intended audience. And I hope that if the book eventually reaches them, it would bring an inclination to know about it and an acceptance towards the terms.) If not, I'd change these terms into something more generic. Maybe something like, "She informs him that he is a Possessor, and within him is the remnant of a god's magic passed down since ancient times." Or something like that. That's kind of clunky, but eh whaddayagonnado). (I have been warned against being too generic and vague. Not sure if I need to be though, considering my target agents would know the specifics #FeelingConfused)

To Karan’s dismay disbelief, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, giving him the power of telepathic control. Why dismay? That sounds pretty awesome (corrected) . She confesses that she has been looking for him to request his help in assimilating the other Possessors, and stop an impending galactic civil war.

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he has been Karan’s best friend because he is part of a lineage called the Protectors. The Protectors are responsible for the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors. At this point in the query, I wonder if Chhaya and Harshit are enemies, on opposite sides of a conflict, or if they work together toward the same end. (Actually Harshit is the defender, while Chhaya is the user of Karan's skill. Currently, they both just want Karan to do the right thing. So I guess there is no conflict for Karan there) This could be another point of struggle for Karan: having to decide between the two of them.

Now, a hurt and shattered Karan must choose between forgiving those who deceived him and accepting his destiny, or condemning them and causing the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy. But as he soon finds out, none of the choices come without a cost.

SIDDHI: VASITVA (wupdated )is complete at 100,000 words and is ready for your consideration.

 

 

 

Would post the updated version soon.



#17 Testome

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 12:57 PM

Karan grew up with a religious mythology featuring gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, great friends, and the girl of his dreams. But his perfect life would soon crumble when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur. This hook is still vague.  You're offering us no story/conflict details here and no reason to read on.

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking for her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice this isn't a bigger plot point til they later so Id remove it, Id remove this first part of the sentence since there is no elaboration., Karan decides to express his feelings to her.

But his dreams get destroyed when Chhaya reveals that the mythological creatures in multiple religions are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials I might start with this as your hook since nothing before it was incentive enough to read on., and she belongs to a class believed to be the Angels. She adds that since the period of the Ramayan, 8 lineages of Possessors have passed on the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman. If you're just trying to say ancient genes have been passed on, this is a convoluted way of doing it.

To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, giving him the power of telepathic control. She confesses that she has been looking for him to request his help in assimilating the other Possessors, and stop an impending galactic civil war.

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he has been Karan’s best friend because he is part of a lineage called the Protectors. The Protectors are responsible for the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors. I would just remove this because it seems like subplot material and just tacked on at the end here. It might have been better if you revealed this when you vaguely mention his friend wanted him to avoid meeting Chhaya 

Now, a hurt and shattered Karan must choose between forgiving those who deceived him and accepting his destiny, or condemning them and causing the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy. But as he soon finds out, none of the choices come without a cost. This ending is vague and cliche.

Siddhi: Vasitva is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.

 

Title, genre, wc, age group.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

One big problem I have with this is it feels like Karen isn't a mc as he hasn't really done anything.  If anything, Chhaya and Harshit feel like mcs. 



#18 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 01:00 PM

Karan grew up with a religious mythology featuring gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, great friends, and the girl of his dreams. But his perfect life crumbles when the line between mythology and reality begins to blur.
 
Karan had met Chhaya at a party. She was everything he wanted in a girl, and he developed an instant liking for her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice, Karan decided to express his feelings to her.
 
But his dreams got destroyed when Chhaya revealed that the mythological creatures in multiple religions are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials, and she belongs to a class believed to be the Angels. She added that since the period of the Ramayan, 8 lineages of Possessors have passed on the genes with the 8 Siddhis or superpowers of Hanuman.
 
To Karan’s disbelief, she revealed that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, giving him the power of telepathic control. She confessed that she has been looking for him to request his help in assimilating the other Possessors to defeat a great evil in an impending galactic civil war.
 
When a shocked Karan sought Harshit’s advice, Harshit revealed that he has been Karan’s friend because he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, who are responsible for the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors.
 
Now, a hurt and shattered Karan must choose between forgiving those who deceived him and accepting his destiny, or condemning them and causing the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy. But as he soon finds out, none of those choices come without a cost.
 
SIDDHI: VASITVA is complete at 100,000 words and is ready for your consideration.


#19 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 01:10 PM

Thanks Testome for your inputs.

 

What I can infer from your suggestions, to keep the reader interested in the query, I need not follow the flow of the points/reveals as they appear in the actual story.

 

If that is correct, my guess is that the flow of the points in my query can be:

1. Background on the Mythology-Reality bridge 

2. The ancient genes' revelation

3. Background on Chhaya (including the civil war) and her meeting with Karan

4. Harshit's anger and the ancient reason for it

5. The actual reveal to Karan and then the ensuing conflict

 

Let me know your thoughts.

Karan grew up with a religious mythology featuring gods, monsters, angels and demons. He has an almost perfect life with a good job, great friends, and the girl of his dreams. But his perfect life would soon crumble when the line between mythology and reality, and relationships and manipulations begins to blur. This hook is still vague.  You're offering us no story/conflict details here and no reason to read on.

Karan meets Chhaya at a party. She is everything he wants in a girl, and he develops an instant liking for her. Contrary to his best friend Harshit’s advice this isn't a bigger plot point til they later so Id remove it, Id remove this first part of the sentence since there is no elaboration., Karan decides to express his feelings to her.

But his dreams get destroyed when Chhaya reveals that the mythological creatures in multiple religions are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials I might start with this as your hook since nothing before it was incentive enough to read on., and she belongs to a class believed to be the Angels. She adds that since the period of the Ramayan, 8 lineages of Possessors have passed on the genes with the 8 Siddhis of Hanuman. If you're just trying to say ancient genes have been passed on, this is a convoluted way of doing it.

To Karan’s dismay, she reveals that he is part of the Vasitva lineage, giving him the power of telepathic control. She confesses that she has been looking for him to request his help in assimilating the other Possessors, and stop an impending galactic civil war.

As a shocked Karan seeks Harshit’s advice, Harshit in turn reveals that he has been Karan’s best friend because he is part of a lineage called the Protectors. The Protectors are responsible for the safety and succession of the genes through the Possessors. I would just remove this because it seems like subplot material and just tacked on at the end here. It might have been better if you revealed this when you vaguely mention his friend wanted him to avoid meeting Chhaya 

Now, a hurt and shattered Karan must choose between forgiving those who deceived him and accepting his destiny, or condemning them and causing the loss of billions of lives across the galaxy. But as he soon finds out, none of the choices come without a cost. This ending is vague and cliche.

Siddhi: Vasitva is complete at 100000 words and is ready for your consideration.

 

Title, genre, wc, age group.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

One big problem I have with this is it feels like Karen isn't a mc as he hasn't really done anything.  If anything, Chhaya and Harshit feel like mcs. 



#20 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 02:24 PM

Also, regarding this observation, 

One big problem I have with this is it feels like Karan isn't a mc as he hasn't really done anything.  If anything, Chhaya and Harshit feel like mcs. 

 

I feel like my story is building on the lines of the Harry Potter series.

Not comparing or exaggerating the quality of my work, just comparing the structure of the story.

 

In the first book, Harry was also given a lot of information, and only towards the end did he do something substantial.

 

I guess the Query for HP and the Philosopher's stone would also not have Harry do a lot, except explore and learn things until he chooses to look for the stone himself.

 

A probable recreation of the query for the book is given at http://aishahmacgill...t-query-letter/

This also suggests that Harry does not do much, except learn and explore.

 

Would love to know your comments.







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