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Siddhi: Vasitva (Sci-fi/Fantasy/Mythology) - Update in post 56

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#21 punitrastogi

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 01:51 AM

There are two places in this version where I am not sure which sentence to use.

 

Would love to have some feedback

 

[The Gods and monsters in human mythologies are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials. OR. The ancient humans created their mythologies and religions around highly advanced extra-terrestrials.] They have been looking for the 8 Siddhis or powers of Hanuman, since the time of the battle of Ramayan. The Siddhis helped defeat a great evil then, and they are needed to defeat another now.

 

The Siddhis were distributed to 8 lineages of Possessors through their genes. The aliens that we call Angels, send CHHAYA to look for the Possessor of the Vasitva Siddhi. She finds KARAN, a banker in modern day Mumbai, unaware of the massive telepathic powers of his genes.

 

When she informs him of his powers and legacy, Karan seeks the advice of HARSHIT, his best friend since college. HARSHIT in turn reveals himself to be a part of one of the 8 lineage of Protectors. He, like his ancestors, are assigned to ensure the progression of Vasitva lineage of Possessors.

 

[With his entire existence revealed to be a manipulation, Karan needs to make a choice: condemn those who deceived him and die with the guilt of an apocalypse, or forgive them and die having ignored his true feelings while accepting his destiny.

OR

With his entire existence revealed to be a manipulation, Karan needs to perform the seemingly impossible task of overcoming his dolor to try and prevent a galactic apocalypse.]

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a mythological reference. Completed at 100,000 words, it is the story of an unlikely hero like the Harry Potter series, with the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#22 dragoness

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 03:26 AM

I think the direction of the query is wrong, as you focus on the background instead of on the MC's story.

 

Please look at my suggestions for changes, and I think that in addition you better say more about Chhaya's and Karan's love story, and maybe also about Chhaya sweeping sides because of her love, or about Karan finding out she's an angel and they can't be together? (Is that so?))

 

The names in a query shouldn't be in CAPS.

 

 

The Gods and monsters in human mythologies are actually highly advanced extra-terrestrials. OR. The ancient humans created their mythologies and religions around highly advanced extra-terrestrials.] They have been looking for the 8 Siddhis or powers of Hanuman, since the time of the battle of Ramayan. The Siddhis helped defeat a great evil then, and they are needed to defeat another now. (Too abstract. How about: "The gods are looking for heroes, who helped defeat a great evil in the battle of Ramayan, and are needed to defeat another now")

 

The Siddhis were distributed to 8 lineages of Possessors through their genes. The agent aliens that we call Angels, send CHHAYA to look for the Possessor of the Vasitva Siddhi. She finds KARAN, a banker in modern day Mumbai, unaware of the massive telepathic powers of his genes. They fall in love, but when she informs him of his powers and legacy, Karan feels betrayed. He seeks the advice of HARSHIT, his best friend since college, only to find that HARSHIT in turn reveals himself is to be a part of one of the 8 lineage of Protectors. He, like his ancestors, are assigned to ensure the progression of Vasitva lineage of Possessors the Heroes.

 

With his entire existence revealed to be a manipulation, Karan needs to make a choice: condemn those who deceived him and die with the guilt of an apocalypse, or forgive them and die having ignored his true feelings while and accepting his destiny.

OR

With his entire existence revealed to be a manipulation, Karan needs to perform the seemingly impossible task of overcoming his dolor to try and prevent a galactic apocalypse.]

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with an Indian mythological reference. Completed at 100,000 words, it is the story of an unlikely hero like the Harry Potter series, with the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Good luck!



#23 punitrastogi

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 09:45 AM

NEW! NEW! NEW!

 

A new approach.

 

Awaiting feedback :)

===============================================================

You... Will... Not... Breathe...

Karan ordered without saying a word.

He could feel the alien’s human lungs collapse.

 

Karan believed that Chhaya was the girl of his dreams. He could not have imagined that she was an actual Angel. An actual alien. His best-friend Harshit had warned him against her. He could not have imagined that Harshit was his friend only because of a responsibility. Like their fathers before them.

 

Chhaya was only following orders. She had to find and convince Karan to help stop a rising evil bring a galactic apocalypse. She expected it to be easy. After all, humans had been considering extra-terrestrials as all-powerful Gods and Monsters for many a millennia.

 

Harshit really cared for Karan. More than what his duty needed him to. He wasn’t sure if his ancestors cared for Karan’s ancestors as much. He didn’t know if other Protectors cared for other Possessors as much. He felt Karan's pain. He regretted not telling Karan the truth earlier.

 

As they stand face-to-face, Chhaya and Harshit wish Karan to accept his destiny and stop the impending galactic civil war. But all Karan can think about is the manipulation weaved around him. He felt stupid for considering it his perfect life. How could he possibly think about unknown extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe had just collapsed right in front of his eyes?

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a mythological reference. Completed at 100,000 words, it is the story of an unlikely hero like the Harry Potter series, with the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#24 punitrastogi

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 12:38 AM

Awaiting comments and feedback.

 

You... Will... Not... Breathe...

Karan ordered without saying a word.

He could feel the alien’s human lungs collapse.

 

Karan believed that Chhaya was the girl of his dreams. He could not have imagined that she was an actual Angel. An actual alien. His best-friend Harshit had warned him against her. He could not have imagined that Harshit was his friend only because of a responsibility. Like their fathers before them.

 

Chhaya was only following orders. She had to find and convince Karan to help stop a rising evil bring a galactic apocalypse. She expected it to be easy. After all, humans had been considering extra-terrestrials as all-powerful Gods and Monsters for many a millennia.

 

Harshit really cared for Karan. More than what his duty needed him to. He wasn’t sure if his ancestors cared for Karan’s ancestors as much. He didn’t know if other Protectors cared for other Possessors as much. He felt Karan's pain. He regretted not telling Karan the truth earlier.

 

As they stand face-to-face, Chhaya and Harshit wish Karan to accept his destiny and stop the impending galactic civil war. But all Karan can think about is the manipulation weaved around him. He felt stupid for considering it his perfect life. How could he possibly think about unknown extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe had just collapsed right in front of his eyes?

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a mythological reference. Completed at 100,000 words, it is the story of an unlikely hero like the Harry Potter series, with the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#25 anathebookworm

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 03:34 PM

NEW! NEW! NEW!

 

A new approach.

 

Awaiting feedback :)

===============================================================

You... Will... Not... Breathe...

Karan ordered without saying a word.

He could feel the alien’s human lungs collapse. Begin with a hook. Something that's unique about your story, and that will make an agent hurry to keep reading. For example, "Harry Potter's life is miserable. His parents are dead and he's stuck with his heartless relatives, who force him to live in a tiny closet under the stairs. But his fortune changes when he receives a letter that tells him the truth about himself: he's a wizard." See what I mean?

 

Karan believed that Chhaya was the girl of his dreams. He could not have imagined that she was an actual Angel. An actual alien. His best-friend Harshit had warned him against her. He could not have imagined that Harshit was his friend only because of a responsibility. Like their fathers before them. At the beginning, Karan was disappointed because of Chhaya, but you end up saying he's disappointed with his friend Harshit. Keep it consistent, and give us the information slowly

 

Chhaya was only following orders. She had to find and convince Karan to help stop a rising evil bring a galactic apocalypse. She expected it to be easy. After all, humans had been considering extra-terrestrials as all-powerful Gods and Monsters for many a millenniaI have zero idea what this means

 

Harshit really cared for Karan. More than what his duty needed him to. He wasn’t sure if his ancestors cared for Karan’s ancestors as much. He didn’t know if other Protectors cared for other Possessors I don't know what the terms mean as much. He felt Karan's pain. Literally? He regretted not telling Karan the truth earlier.

 

As they stand face-to-face, Chhaya and Harshit wish Karan to accept his destiny What destiny? You never mentioned any. Besides, I would re-word this. I've been told more than once by agents that they aren't fond of "chosen one" plots right now and stop the impending galactic civil war How? . But all Karan can think about is the manipulation weaved around him. He felt stupid for considering it his perfect life. How could he possibly think about unknown extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe had just collapsed right in front of his eyes? Truth is - you didn't allow me to get to know the characters enough to understand their world, or care about what happens to them. YET. You have to find a way to do both - make the reader understand what is going on, and care about what is going to happen next.

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a mythological reference. Completed at 100,000 words, it is the story of an unlikely hero like the Harry Potter series never EVER compare your book to a super favorite like Harry Potter. Agents will think it's very preposterous. Of course your book can be as successful as Potter, but you can't assume that while querying, with the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I'm completely confused. I don't know what's going on at all, and I couldn't understand what your story is about. Something that helped me a lot while crafting my query was this - http://www.brenda-dr...ery-simplified/

 

Maybe it could help you too?

 

I look forward to reading your next draft! :-)

 

If you have the time, can you take a look at my query too? http://agentquerycon...e-4#entry335032



#26 SAVE

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 04:10 PM

You... Will... Not... Breathe...

Karan ordered without saying a word.

He could feel the alien’s human lungs collapse.

[So, I think this part is kinda cool, I like it, but the big issue is that it's confusing. It doesn't explain anything. You need to use a solid hook, something exciting (which you have) BUT informative.)

 

 

Karan(How old is he? What's his day job? Give us some details on your MC) believed that Chhaya was the girl of his dreams. He could not have imagined that she was an actual Angel. An actual alien (This would make a much better hook than before. Just rework this and the sentences before and you've got it). His best friend Harshit had warned him about her. He could not have imagined that Harshit was his friend only because of a responsibility. Like their fathers before them.(no clue what these last two sentences are supposed to mean. Detail is your friend, if it's not very relevant, cut it)

 

Chhaya was only following orders(feels like you're jumping around a lot, you've gotta make your query letter flow together smoothly). She had to find and convince Karan to help stop a rising evil bring a galactic apocalypse. She expected it to be easy. After all, humans had been considering extra-terrestrials as all-powerful Gods and Monsters for many a millennia. (I'll be honest, I don't like much of anything in this paragraph. I'm positive that some crucial information is here, which is good, but it doesn't flow very nicely and it leaves me confused)

 

Harshit really cared for Karan. More than what his duty needed him to. He wasn’t sure if his ancestors cared for Karan’s ancestors as much. He didn’t know if other Protectors cared for other Possessors as much. He felt Karan's pain. He regretted not telling Karan the truth earlier.(So we're back toward the beginning between Karan and Harshit. You should keep all of that information together so that it flows smoothly from one complete point to the next. 

 

As they stand face-to-face, Chhaya and Harshit wish Karan to accept his destiny and stop the impending galactic civil war. But all Karan can think about is the manipulation weaved around him. He felt stupid for considering it his perfect life. How could he possibly think about unknown extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe had just collapsed right in front of his eyes? (I've got mixed feelings about this part. There's a lot of emotion and information here, but it mostly seems like side info. I'm not entirely sure if the bigger conflict is the manipulation in Karan's life or the galactic civil war. The stakes aren't clearly presented)

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a mythological reference. Completed at 100,000 words, it is the story of an unlikely hero like the Harry Potter series(No real problems with this, but are there any more parallels you can draw between your novel and the HP series? Lots of novels have an "unlikely hero" story), with the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I think you have a good idea here, but a lot of the information seems to come randomly. I'd save this, but give the entire thing a rework, visit the successful queries forum and read through some of those. This could use a lot of work, but that's only natural for a story teeming with potential!

 

Good luck!



#27 dragoness

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Posted 26 February 2017 - 02:14 AM

I think this version doesn't work - it's all telling and not showing, and it's all about thoughts and not about actions and emotions as query should be.

 

How about taking your synopsis and shortening it to the essentials, to the love story and dilemma? maybe something like that:

 

An ordinary reclusive banker like Karan should not be involved in a mythological galactic war.

 

When Karan meets Chhaya he finds her to be everything he ever wanted in a woman. However, as Nisha, Karan ex-crush from college, argues aggressively with Chhaya, a desperate Karan wants them to stop and ends up stopping every person around him. 

 

When Karan requires explanations, Chhaya discloses that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as the demon Ravan did in the Ramayan mythology. To Karan's shock, she reveals that she's an angel sent to recruit him because he has telepathic control. She requests him to help defeat the impending civil war.

A heart-broken Karan feels dismay and disbelief, and a conflict brews within him. Forgiving Chhaya for her long deceit would mean ignoring his true feelings. Condemning her would lead to a galactic apocalypse.



#28 hermitage

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Posted 26 February 2017 - 11:31 PM


You... Will... Not... Breathe...

Karan ordered without saying a word.

He could feel the alien’s human lungs collapse. [I kept waiting for you to explain how she has human lungs if she's an alien... obviously, this expectation wasn't met.]

[however, in general I think this is kind of a cool idea for a hook. reminds me a bit of Darth Vader, but that's fine.]

 

Karan believed that Chhaya was the girl of his dreams. He could not have imagined that she was an actual Angel. An actual alien. His best-friend [is this usually hyphenated?] Harshit had warned him against her. He could not have imagined that Harshit was his friend only because of a responsibility. Like their fathers before them.

 

Chhaya was only following orders. She had to find and convince Karan to help stop a rising evil bring a galactic apocalypse. [this kind of jumps out at me as being maybe just a little too much at once, too fast and vague] She expected it to be easy. After all, humans had been considering extra-terrestrials as all-powerful Gods and Monsters for many a millennia.

 

Harshit really cared for Karan. [Doesn't this sort of negate "Harshit was his friend only because of a responsibility"?] More than what his duty needed him to. He wasn’t sure if his ancestors cared for Karan’s ancestors as much. He didn’t know if other Protectors cared for other Possessors as much. [I don't know what these titles mean. I can sort of piece it together from clues, but are you sure that you want to tax your readers in this way?] He felt Karan's pain. He regretted not telling Karan the truth earlier.

 

As they stand face-to-face, [all three of them? where? what's going on?] Chhaya and Harshit wish Karan to accept his destiny and stop the impending galactic civil war. But all Karan can think about is the manipulation weaved around him. He felt stupid for considering it his perfect life. How could can he possibly think about unknown extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe had has just collapsed right in front of his eyes?

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a mythological reference [is this a standard term? better maybe to say that it draws on such-and-such mythology?]. Completed at 100,000 words, it is the story of an unlikely hero like the Harry Potter [caps or italics?] series [is this the only tie to Harry Potter? isn't an "unlikely hero" a pretty common trope in fiction? Actually, Harry Potter himself is a strangely likely hero from a certain point of view. Almost everyone in the wizarding world thinks of him as some kind of hero from almost the time he's born, and he turns out to be... exactly that. Anyway, all this is to say that I don't love this comp, at least as currently worded], with the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva [caps or italics?] trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 
Okay, so you are setting out to independently develop all three POVs in your pitch. This is an ambitious goal, and it risks us feeling that none of the characters are fleshed out. Also, the jumping around from one perspective to the next makes it hard for the narrative to flow. You give the readers clues as to what's going on, but you require them to put them together like puzzle pieces to get any sense of what might be happening in the novel itself.
 
What I'm guessing is this:
- Karan is a human, but he's inherited some kind of telekinetic power without knowing it. But why doesn't he know it? Does his father or mother or grandfather etc. have the same power? How does his power manifest? What has prevented him from using it or learning about it so far?
- Chhaya and Harshit are both aliens, but they pose as humans for Karan's benefit. Harshit has established himself as Karan's best friend some time ago, whereas Chhaya has come in more recently in the guise of a kind of love interest. 
- Harshit is part of some alien caste that involves keeping an eye on humans (or is it more general than that?) with the sort of latent special powers that Karan has. 
- Chhaya wants Karan to use his power to fight against one particular alien faction. But I don't know if Harshit's goals align with Chhaya's goals. They both seem to want him to stop some kind of war. But earlier, Harshit warned him about Chhaya. So these pieces of information seem almost contradictory, with my limited knowledge as a reader of this pitch.
 
Of course I don't know the best way to the basket here, but I would encourage you to consider something that goes in a bit more of a straight line, starting from Karan's perspective. You know, he thought he was living a normal life until his best friend and his girlfriend both turned out to be aliens. Not exactly that wording of course, but I almost think that's the basic idea you want to start with. You can do the force-choking thing first if you want, but I would go to something like this when you're starting the main body of the pitch. Don't you think? I don't know.
 
He finds out that his best friend and his girlfriend are aliens. How does he find that out? Maybe there's something you can write about there. What is it about Chhaya that he particularly liked? How did they meet? What kinds of powers does he find out that he has? I'm not saying answer all these questions, but I just want you to mine them for cool details that you might be able to use to sort of move things forward in a more linear way, flowing just from Karan's perspective.
 
As it is, the writing reads as a bit choppy. Maybe that's just a stylistic thing, but you tend to have a lot of short, staccato sentences. To some extent this might be because you seem to be listing a whole lot of facts about each character, which don't always flow together in any very necessary way. That is, it almost feels like a set of bullet points about each character, followed by a rather abstract ending in which they are all facing each other. I would encourage you to consider more carefully the question of how to make one sentence lead to the next, from the beginning of the pitch to the end.
 


#29 hermitage

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Posted 26 February 2017 - 11:46 PM

For example, you could try a structure that's kind of like this maybe?

 

Hook: Karan finds out that his lifelong best friend and his new girlfriend are both aliens. [Not this exact wording.]
 
[Start with some description of what's going on in his life before all this hits him.]
 
Then, [In some particular way], he realizes that his friend Harshit is a "protector", bred over centuries to keep an eye on "possessors" like him -- [beings from anywhere in the galaxy? or just Earth?] with [some particular kinds of power].
 
Also, [in some other particular way], he finds out that [Chhaya] is [part of some faction, that wants him to do some particular thing with his power]. 
 

This leaves him feeling [angry? manipulated? confused? wanted? needed? important? scared?], and it [gives him some particular challenge/dilemma].



#30 dragoness

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 01:02 AM

Another question - Is you book si-fi?

It's looks like fantasy to me, not si-fi.



#31 punitrastogi

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 05:33 AM

Thank you Hermitage for your detailed response.

 

You asked some genuinely great questions with immensely valuable inputs.

 

My responses to them are given below:

 

 
Okay, so you are setting out to independently develop all three POVs in your pitch. This is an ambitious goal, and it risks us feeling that none of the characters are fleshed out. Also, the jumping around from one perspective to the next makes it hard for the narrative to flow. You give the readers clues as to what's going on, but you require them to put them together like puzzle pieces to get any sense of what might be happening in the novel itself. I understand you point. However, I guess if the approach of the story is "revealing the secrets", I guess if the agent is inclined towards it, he/she would not mind such a query. Having said that, I agree that this version is a bit too complicated. Will simplify it.
 
What I'm guessing is this:
- Karan is a human, but he's inherited some kind of telekinetic power without knowing it. But why doesn't he know it? Does his father or mother or grandfather etc. have the same power? How does his power manifest? What has prevented him from using it or learning about it so far? All of this is mentioned in the book. But I guess, I can give an answer to all of these specific questions with - dormant genes. I see now that it was not mentioned in the above version. Updated.
- Chhaya and Harshit are both aliens, but they pose as humans for Karan's benefit. Harshit has established himself as Karan's best friend some time ago, whereas Chhaya has come in more recently in the guise of a kind of love interest. Harshit isnt an alien. He is a human, with capabilities to be disclosed in the next book. Not sure if it is necessary to be mentioned.
- Harshit is part of some alien caste that involves keeping an eye on humans (or is it more general than that?) with the sort of latent special powers that Karan has.  If this is something that you have inferred from the query, I need to ensure that it doesnt happen with the Agent. Because it is not true :biggrin: sorry.
- Chhaya wants Karan to use his power to fight against one particular alien faction. But I don't know if Harshit's goals align with Chhaya's goals. They both seem to want him to stop some kind of war. But earlier, Harshit warned him about Chhaya. So these pieces of information seem almost contradictory, with my limited knowledge as a reader of this pitch. His ancestors have been protecting Karan's ancestors, in case their powers were ever needed. Now that the time has arrived, and the identity of Chhaya is revealed, Harshit is in agreement with Chhaya. Not sure how to put it across though.
 
Of course I don't know the best way to the basket here, but I would encourage you to consider something that goes in a bit more of a straight line, starting from Karan's perspective. You know, he thought he was living a normal life until his best friend and his girlfriend both turned out to be aliens. Not exactly that wording of course, but I almost think that's the basic idea you want to start with. You can do the force-choking thing first if you want, but I would go to something like this when you're starting the main body of the pitch. Don't you think? I don't know.
 
He finds out that his best friend and his girlfriend are aliens. How does he find that out? Maybe there's something you can write about there. What is it about Chhaya that he particularly liked? How did they meet? What kinds of powers does he find out that he has? I'm not saying answer all these questions, but I just want you to mine them for cool details that you might be able to use to sort of move things forward in a more linear way, flowing just from Karan's perspective.
I guess the new version of the query would answer these questions for you. :)
 
As it is, the writing reads as a bit choppy. Maybe that's just a stylistic thing, but you tend to have a lot of short, staccato sentences. To some extent this might be because you seem to be listing a whole lot of facts about each character, which don't always flow together in any very necessary way. That is, it almost feels like a set of bullet points about each character, followed by a rather abstract ending in which they are all facing each other. I would encourage you to consider more carefully the question of how to make one sentence lead to the next, from the beginning of the pitch to the end. Point taken and updated.
 

 



#32 punitrastogi

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 05:35 AM

Thanks dragoness for all your help and comments.

 

When I look back at this version, I do think that it reads out like a set of bullet points. With not much of emotions.

I hope you like the next version a bit more.

 

I think this version doesn't work - it's all telling and not showing, and it's all about thoughts and not about actions and emotions as query should be.

 

How about taking your synopsis and shortening it to the essentials, to the love story and dilemma? maybe something like that:

 

An ordinary reclusive banker like Karan should not be involved in a mythological galactic war.

 

When Karan meets Chhaya he finds her to be everything he ever wanted in a woman. However, as Nisha, Karan ex-crush from college, argues aggressively with Chhaya, a desperate Karan wants them to stop and ends up stopping every person around him. 

 

When Karan requires explanations, Chhaya discloses that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as the demon Ravan did in the Ramayan mythology. To Karan's shock, she reveals that she's an angel sent to recruit him because he has telepathic control. She requests him to help defeat the impending civil war.

A heart-broken Karan feels dismay and disbelief, and a conflict brews within him. Forgiving Chhaya for her long deceit would mean ignoring his true feelings. Condemning her would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

 

Although I think that it is difficult to emphasize on the dilemma without mentioning Harshit.

What do you think?



#33 punitrastogi

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 05:38 AM

A new version.

Slightly more than 300 words (primarily because of the pitch at the end.), and a different approach than usual.

 

I hope this is the final change in the structure  :P

============================================================

 

Less than 5 hours ago, a shy and reclusive Karan was an ordinary banker in Mumbai.

And now, he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form, just by thinking about it.

 

Less than 4 hours ago, he had the hopes and dreams like any 20-something guy.

And now, he is one-eighth of a demigod, expected to save the galaxy from an impending civil war.

 

Less than 3 hours ago, he was about to express his love to the girl of his dreams, Chhaya.

And now, he knew that she is an alien as well, who was searching for him for his telepathic powers. The powers that have been passed through the dormant genes of his ancestry. The powers that he did not know he had.

 

Less than 2 hours ago, he had a best friend in Harshit.

And now, he knew Harshit as just a guardian, whose ancestry has been protecting Karan’s. Fortunately, a human. Unfortunately, not a best friend.

 

In different circumstances, he would have been elated to see Chhaya and Harshit on the same side, asking him to do the exact same thing. He would have gladly done whatever they wanted him to.

But right now, they represented the illusion he thought to be his perfect life. To him they represented deception and manipulation.

 

They expect Karan to fulfil his destiny, and save billions of lives.

But, how can he possibly think about unknown humans and extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe has just collapsed right in front of his eyes?

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a Hindu mythological reference, completed at 100,000 words. Like the beginning of Harry Potter series, it is the beginning of the story of a hero who discovers his capabilities, and the reputation he has among strangers because of his legacy, and his journey to stop a great evil from bringing an apocalypse. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#34 punitrastogi

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 05:40 AM

Also, many thanks to SAVE and anathebookworm :)



#35 dragoness

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Posted 28 February 2017 - 01:43 AM

Hi,

 

The focus on the MC, his emotions and his dilemma here is great. It's no longer an academic article, it's literature. Well done!  :smile:

 

Yet, a query must be written as a story, not as summing sentences. The summing is suitable for the first line of hook, but later you must write what actually happens, and this structure doesn't do this. You have the material here, some little changes of sentences and you're there.

 

Some detailed comments here:

 

Less than five 5 hours ago, a shy and reclusive Karan was an ordinary banker in Mumbai. And Now, he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form, just by thinking about it. (Great hook! I think it should be in one line, and made few minor changes to make it more fluent, but IMO this is it!)

 

Less than four 4 (numbers should be worded, except for years) hours ago, he had the hopes and dreams like any twenty20-something guy.

And now, he is one-eighth of a demigod, expected to save the galaxy from an impending civil war.

 

Less than 3 hours ago, he was about to express his love to the girl of his dreams, Chhaya.

And now, he knew that she is an alien as well, who was searching for him for his telepathic powers. The powers that have been passed through the dormant genes of his ancestry. The powers that he did not know he had.

 

Less than 2 hours ago, he had a best friend in Harshit.

And now, he knew Harshit as just a guardian, whose ancestry has been protecting Karan’s. Fortunately, a human. Unfortunately, not a best friend.

 

In different circumstances, he would have been elated to see Chhaya and Harshit on the same side, asking him to do the exact same thing. He would have gladly done whatever they wanted him to.

But right now, they represented the illusion he thought to be his perfect life. To him they represented deception and manipulation.

 

They expect Karan to fulfil his destiny, and save billions of lives.

But, how can he possibly think about unknown humans and extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe has just collapsed right in front of his eyes?

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a YA? fantasy science-fiction (is it have science in it?) novel with a Hindu mythological reference, completed at 100,000 words. Like the beginning of Harry Potter (I think comparing yourself to the most sold series ever would sound very pretentious) series, it is the beginning of the story of a hero's journey to stop a great evil from bringing an apocalypse while discovering his capabilities, and the reputation he has among strangers because of his legacy, . It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#36 lsprochnow

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 01:42 PM

A new version.

Slightly more than 300 words (primarily because of the pitch at the end.), and a different approach than usual.

 

I hope this is the final change in the structure  :P

============================================================

 

Less than 5 hours ago, a shy and reclusive Karan maybe reword the 'shy and reclusive Karan' part was an ordinary banker in Mumbai.

And now, he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form, just by thinking about it.

 

Less than 4 hours ago, he had the hopes and dreams like any 20-something guy.

And now, he is one-eighth of a demigod, expected to save the galaxy from an impending civil war.

 

Less than 3 hours ago, he was about to express his love to the girl of his dreams, Chhaya.

And now, he knew  knows that she is an alien as well, who was searching for him seeking him out for his telepathic powers. The powers that have been passed through the dormant genes of his ancestry. The powers that he did not know he had.

 

Less than 2 hours ago, he had a best friend in Harshit.

And now, he knew Harshit as just a guardian, whose ancestry has been protecting Karan’s. Fortunately, a human. Unfortunately, not a best friend. You lost me on this line. I would simplify it a bit. Is all this information crucial?

 

In different circumstances, he would have been elated to see Chhaya and Harshit on the same side, asking him to do the exact same thing. He would have gladly done whatever they wanted him to.

But right now, they represented the illusion he thought to be his perfect life. To him they represented deception and manipulation. I don't think this last section does much to further the plot or stakes

 

They expect Karan to fulfil his destiny, and save billions of lives.

But, how can he possibly think about unknown humans and extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe has just collapsed right in front of his eyes? Really like this ending!

 

I really like the 5,4,3. etc format in your query. Very unique and memorable though it did bring a bit of confusion at times. I'm still not entirely certain of the plot. There's a civil war between humans and aliens? Would 'civil war' be the right term? Karan is an alien, right? I think if you could find a way to keep your format and clear up some confusion, you could have a killer query. Good work!

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a Hindu mythological reference, completed at 100,000 words. Like the beginning of Harry Potter series, it is the beginning of the story of a hero who discovers his capabilities, and the reputation he has among strangers because of his legacy, and his journey to stop a great evil from bringing an apocalypse. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#37 punitrastogi

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 01:55 AM

Thank you Isprochnow and Dragoness for your inputs.

 

An updated version of the query is given below:

=================================================

 

Less than 5 hours ago, a reclusive and introvert Karan was an ordinary banker in Mumbai.

Now, he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form, just by thinking about it.

 

Less than 4 hours ago, he had hopes and dreams like any twenty-something guy.

Now, he is one-eighth of a demigod, expected to save the galaxy from an impending civil war.

 

Less than 3 hours ago, he was about to express his love to the girl of his dreams, Chhaya.

Now, he knows that she is an alien as well, who was seeking him out for his telepathic powers. The powers that have been passed through the dormant genes of his ancestry. The powers that he did not know he had.

 

Less than 2 hours ago, he had a best friend in Harshit.

Now, Harshit is just a guardian, who was just ensuring the safety of his genes. Karan realized that like his ancestors, he too has been living a deception created by Harshit and his ancestors. A deception that dates back thousands of years, to the period of the Ramayan.

 

In different circumstances, if Chhaya and Harshit were on the same side, and asked him to do something, he would have gladly done it.

But right now, they represented the illusion he thought to be his perfect life. He felt deceived, manipulated, and used, only because he happens to have something special.

 

They expected Karan to fulfil his destiny and save billions of lives.

But how can he possibly think about unknown humans and extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe has just collapsed right in front of his eyes?

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a Hindu mythological reference, completed at 100,000 words. Like the beginning of Harry Potter series, it is the beginning of the story of a hero who discovers his capabilities, his legacy, and his destiny to stop a great evil. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#38 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 02:05 AM

Thank you Isprochnow and Dragoness for your inputs.

An updated version of the query is given below:
=================================================

Less than 5 hours ago, a reclusive and introvert Karan was an ordinary banker in Mumbai.
Now, he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form, just by thinking about it.

Less than 4 hours ago, he had hopes and dreams like any twenty-something guy.
Now, he is one-eighth demigod, expected to save the galaxy from impending civil war.

Less than 3 hours ago, Karan was about to profess his love to Chhaya.
Now, he knows that she is an alien as well, seeking him out for his telepathic powers. Powers that have been passed through the dormant genes of his ancestry. Powers that he never knew he had.

Less than 2 hours ago, Karan had a best friend in Harshit.
Now, Harshit is a guardian, just ensuring the safety of his genes. Karan realizes that he has been living a deception created by Harshit, just like his ancestors. A deception that dates to the Ramayan.

In different circumstances, if Chhaya and Harshit were on the same side, and asked him to do something, he would have gladly done it.
But right now, they represent the illusion he thought to be his perfect life. He feels deceived, manipulated, and used, only because he happens to have something special.

They expected Karan to fulfil his destiny and save billions of lives.
But how can he possibly think about unknown humans and extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe has just collapsed right in front of his eyes?

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a Hindu mythological reference, completed at 100,000 words. Like the beginning of Harry Potter series, it is the beginning of the story of a hero who discovers his capabilities, his legacy, and his destiny to stop a great evil. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.


All I did was tighten it up a bit, but this is a great query. Well done!

#39 Arty90

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 02:18 AM

Incredibly unique. Never seen a query like it. You fundamentally showed through your writing the slow collapse of a man. I think this is set and ready to go. Good luck!


Query Letter(s):

 

Project: DIVE
 

the (1).png

 


#40 punitrastogi

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 02:19 AM

All I did was tighten it up a bit, but this is a great query. Well done!

Which part did you edit? :tongue: :tongue:







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