You... Will... Not... Breathe...
Karan ordered without saying a word.
He could feel the alien’s human lungs collapse. [I kept waiting for you to explain how she has human lungs if she's an alien... obviously, this expectation wasn't met.]
[however, in general I think this is kind of a cool idea for a hook. reminds me a bit of Darth Vader, but that's fine.]
Karan believed that Chhaya was the girl of his dreams. He could not have imagined that she was an actual Angel. An actual alien. His best-friend [is this usually hyphenated?] Harshit had warned him against her. He could not have imagined that Harshit was his friend only because of a responsibility. Like their fathers before them.
Chhaya was only following orders. She had to find and convince Karan to help stop a rising evil bring a galactic apocalypse. [this kind of jumps out at me as being maybe just a little too much at once, too fast and vague] She expected it to be easy. After all, humans had been considering extra-terrestrials as all-powerful Gods and Monsters for many a millennia.
Harshit really cared for Karan. [Doesn't this sort of negate "Harshit was his friend only because of a responsibility"?] More than what his duty needed him to. He wasn’t sure if his ancestors cared for Karan’s ancestors as much. He didn’t know if other Protectors cared for other Possessors as much. [I don't know what these titles mean. I can sort of piece it together from clues, but are you sure that you want to tax your readers in this way?] He felt Karan's pain. He regretted not telling Karan the truth earlier.
As they stand face-to-face, [all three of them? where? what's going on?] Chhaya and Harshit wish Karan to accept his destiny and stop the impending galactic civil war. But all Karan can think about is the manipulation weaved around him. He felt stupid for considering it his perfect life. How
could can he possibly think about unknown extra-terrestrials in the galaxy, when his own universe had has just collapsed right in front of his eyes?
SIDDHI: VASITVA is a fantasy science-fiction novel with a mythological reference [is this a standard term? better maybe to say that it draws on such-and-such mythology?]. Completed at 100,000 words, it is the story of an unlikely hero like the Harry Potter [caps or italics?] series [is this the only tie to Harry Potter? isn't an "unlikely hero" a pretty common trope in fiction? Actually, Harry Potter himself is a strangely likely hero from a certain point of view. Almost everyone in the wizarding world thinks of him as some kind of hero from almost the time he's born, and he turns out to be... exactly that. Anyway, all this is to say that I don't love this comp, at least as currently worded], with the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva [caps or italics?] trilogy by Amish Tripathi.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Okay, so you are setting out to independently develop all three POVs in your pitch. This is an ambitious goal, and it risks us feeling that none of the characters are fleshed out. Also, the jumping around from one perspective to the next makes it hard for the narrative to flow. You give the readers clues as to what's going on, but you require them to put them together like puzzle pieces to get any sense of what might be happening in the novel itself.
What I'm guessing is this:
- Karan is a human, but he's inherited some kind of telekinetic power without knowing it. But why doesn't he know it? Does his father or mother or grandfather etc. have the same power? How does his power manifest? What has prevented him from using it or learning about it so far?
- Chhaya and Harshit are both aliens, but they pose as humans for Karan's benefit. Harshit has established himself as Karan's best friend some time ago, whereas Chhaya has come in more recently in the guise of a kind of love interest.
- Harshit is part of some alien caste that involves keeping an eye on humans (or is it more general than that?) with the sort of latent special powers that Karan has.
- Chhaya wants Karan to use his power to fight against one particular alien faction. But I don't know if Harshit's goals align with Chhaya's goals. They both seem to want him to stop some kind of war. But earlier, Harshit warned him about Chhaya. So these pieces of information seem almost contradictory, with my limited knowledge as a reader of this pitch.
Of course I don't know the best way to the basket here, but I would encourage you to consider something that goes in a bit more of a straight line, starting from Karan's perspective. You know, he thought he was living a normal life until his best friend and his girlfriend both turned out to be aliens. Not exactly that wording of course, but I almost think that's the basic idea you want to start with. You can do the force-choking thing first if you want, but I would go to something like this when you're starting the main body of the pitch. Don't you think? I don't know.
He finds out that his best friend and his girlfriend are aliens. How does he find that out? Maybe there's something you can write about there. What is it about Chhaya that he particularly liked? How did they meet? What kinds of powers does he find out that he has? I'm not saying answer all these questions, but I just want you to mine them for cool details that you might be able to use to sort of move things forward in a more linear way, flowing just from Karan's perspective.
As it is, the writing reads as a bit choppy. Maybe that's just a stylistic thing, but you tend to have a lot of short, staccato sentences. To some extent this might be because you seem to be listing a whole lot of facts about each character, which don't always flow together in any very necessary way. That is, it almost feels like a set of bullet points about each character, followed by a rather abstract ending in which they are all facing each other. I would encourage you to consider more carefully the question of how to make one sentence lead to the next, from the beginning of the pitch to the end.