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Siddhi: Vasitva (Sci-fi/Fantasy/Mythology) - Update in post 64

Fiction Fantasy Multi-Cultural Science Fiction

Best Answer punitrastogi , Yesterday, 03:10 AM

Thank you to every single one of you who have taken their valuable time in helping me progress with my query.

 

I have decided to rename my series and the names of the books in the series.

Also, the genre and other details of the series would be updated.

 

Therefore, it seemed apt that I create another thread with a fresh start.

 

The new version is located at: http://agentquerycon...-fantasysci-fi/

Hope to see you there with your valuable inputs. :)

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#61 chadweiss35

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 07:23 PM

Karan just wanted to have a vacation with his friends and the girl he really liked. But within a few hours, his life has turned from that of a shy and reclusive banker, to that of the savior of the galaxy. (I prefer this one, but I think from this point, you're gonna have to clearly explain how that happens?)

-OR-

Less than five hours ago, the reclusive and introvert Karan was an ordinary twenty-something banker in Mumbai.

Now, he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form just by thinking about it.

 

 

Karan came to realize that there are many technologically and spiritually advanced species in the galaxy. But in spite of all their advancements and progress, they cannot seem to live in harmony. They are at the brink of a war, and he has the capability to build a team that will stop the galactic destruction. (Instead of explaining this part, I would drop it completely, whether he is alone or has a team has no bearing on Karan)

 

Karan's perfect reality has turned out to be a manipulated version of the truth. The girl that he loves is an extra-terrestrial, and his best friend is with him only to do his job of protecting Karan. In different circumstances, he would have wanted nothing more than to see them on the same side. But right now, they represent his pain of being deceived, manipulated, and used, only because unknown to himself, Karan’s inheritance links him to a mythological tale, and gives him the telepathic powers of a demi-god. <This is a lot of information and hard to read. You have two separate points, I would stick to explaining Karan's emotions before the genetic inheritance. 

 

Now Karan must make a choice, knowing that it has galactic consequences. If he chooses to listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and manipulated him, it would cause a galactic apocalypse which even the human would not survice. And if he chooses to ignore his emotions to try and save the galaxy, he will have to give up his life as he knows it, and he might not survive the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

Either way, chances are that he would not see the end of it all. But not participating in the war would let him spend some time with his true loved ones, and be true to himself. It was the right decision to make.

 

Or so he thought. I don't mind this ending, but I wouldn't write it as an choice, but what he gives up in deciding to bury his head in the sand. <This makes me want to read it because the hero doesn't go gung-ho, which adds an interesting complex to the story, which I think you should focus on in the query, better explaining the deception that hurt him and the emotions at discovering the girl he likes is an alien...not even sure what those are. Revulsion? Dragoness did a great job of editing, so I'm not going to rewrite it, but I think we need to know exactly how he saves the galaxy...does he steal a pseudo nuclear weapons? what, instead of 'saving the galaxy, tell us what he does because then we might understand how a banker becomes saviour of the galaxy?

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I think you're on the right track, I like this better than the countdown method, but their some imaginative leaps that I have trouble making without understanding a little more. Hopefully this helps.



#62 Vio Liddell

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Posted 26 March 2017 - 05:19 PM

Hi, returning the favor!

 

 

========================================================================

 

Less than five hours ago, the reclusive and introvert (don't overload the hook) Karan was an ordinary twenty-something banker in Mumbai.

Now he's collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form, just by thinking about it. I prefer this one!

 

Karan came to realize that there are many technologically and spiritually advanced species in the galaxy. But in spite of all their advancements and progress, they cannot seem to live in harmony. How did he come to realize this? They are at the brink of a war, and he has the capability to build a team that will stop the galactic destruction. Wow. How and why does he have the capability to build such a team? You need to specify here.

 

Karan's perfect reality (this strikes me as odd. A perfect reality doesn't exist... You could say something like "peaceful life" instead) has turned out to be a manipulated version of the truth (this reads oddly as well. Try something snappier like "a lie" or "an illusion"). The girl that he loves is an alien, and his best friend is a bodyguard only doing his job. In other circumstances, he would have wanted nothing more than to see them on the same side. They're in conflict with each other? You don't mention that. But right now, they represent his pain of being deceived, manipulated and used, only because unknown to himself. Very nice. I would use a period here. Karan’s inheritance links him to a mythological tale and gives him the telepathic powers of a demi-god. Too vague. Sounds too cliché without specifics. You don't need to mention any secondary character, but give us a hint: what exactly in Karan's inheritance links him to that tale? Dormant genes, from what I've read in your previous versions? What is the connection between aliens and that mythological tale?

 

Now Karan must make a choice, knowing that it has galactic consequences (colon here): condemning those who deceived him and acting as a threat to the whole human race, or teaming up with them to face the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. (Just a suggestion. You need to tighten up this part)

 

Either way, chances are that he would not see the end of it all. But not participating in the war would let him spend some time with his true loved ones, and be true to himself. It was the right decision to make.

 

Or so he thought.

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I like the version that Dragoness suggested for the order of the sentences, very punchy!

 

Good luck!

 

If you're interested, I've updated my query for The Hero Syndrome: http://agentquerycon...fantasy-rev-18/



#63 eric balson

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Posted 31 March 2017 - 03:31 PM

Thank you everyone for their inputs.

I took a break from query writing, because I felt drained and was not able to come up with any new ideas.

 

I realized that the count-down method has been appreciated by some, but many are not comfortable with it.

I guess there is a risk involved with using a format like this.

A risk that can cost me an opportunity with an interested agent, who might be interested in my book if the query is written in a traditional manner.

 

So, here is another attempt at the query from my side.

I have removed all names, except for Karan's.

 

I have changed the hook as well, to go with the traditional format.

However, I still think that the previous hook is still better.

 

Let me know what you think.

 

========================================================================

 

Karan just wanted to have a vacation with his friends and the girl he really liked. But within a few hours, his life has turned from that of a shy and reclusive banker, to that of the savior of the galaxy.

-OR-

Less than five hours ago, the reclusive and introvert Karan was an ordinary twenty-something banker in Mumbai.

Now, he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form just by thinking about it. Definitely this!

 

 

Karan came to realize that there are many technologically and spiritually advanced species in the galaxy. But in spite of all their advancements and progress, they cannot seem to live in harmony. They are at the brink of a war, and he has the capability to build a team that will stop the galactic destruction.

 

Karan's perfect reality has turned out to be a manipulated version of the truth. The girl that he loves is an extra-terrestrial, and his best friend is with him only to do his job of protecting Karan. In different circumstances, he would have wanted nothing more than to see them on the same side. But right now, they represent his pain of being deceived, manipulated, and used, only because unknown to himself, Karan’s inheritance links him to a mythological tale, and gives him the telepathic powers of a demi-god.

 

Now Karan must make a choice, knowing that it has galactic consequences. If he chooses to listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and manipulated him, it would cause a galactic apocalypse which even the human would not survice. And if he chooses to ignore his emotions to try and save the galaxy, he will have to give up his life as he knows it, and he might not survive the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

Either way, chances are that he would not see the end of it all. But not participating in the war would let him spend some time with his true loved ones, and be true to himself. It was the right decision to make.

 

Or so he thought.

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I've gotten read of what I felt was unnecessary information. Your query has a great hook, stakes and choices the MC has to make, which is a good thing.

TAKE A LOOK AT MY QUERY: http://agentquerycon...ernative-query/



#64 punitrastogi

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Posted 10 August 2017 - 02:09 AM

Hello everyone,

 

After a long hiatus, I have finally decided to pick up the pen (or the keyboard) and work on the query again.

 

Hopefully, this break has given me a fresh perspective and an appropriate approach towards the query writing piece.

 

Thank you so much for your previous inputs.

I hope this version is up-to-the mark.

========

 

Less than five hours ago, the reclusive Karan was an ordinary twenty-something banker in Mumbai.

Now he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form, just by thinking about it.

 

Karan has been in love with Chhaya from the moment he first saw her. After a lot of deliberation, he finally decides to confess his feelings to her.

 

On their date, Chhaya reveals herself to be an extra-terrestrial from one of the many technologically advanced species that inhabit the galaxy. But in spite of all their advancements and progress, they cannot seem to live in harmony and are at the brink of a war that will kill billions.

 

Even as she explains Karan’s true inheritance to him and informs him of his telepathic abilities, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart.

 

When he confides his pain with his best friend, he learns that their friendship was also a sham continued through generations, so that Karan’s ancestral telepathic genes stay protected.

 

With his ideal life turning out to be a manipulation, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#65 Theo A. Gerken

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Posted 10 August 2017 - 03:17 AM

Hello everyone,

 

After a long hiatus, I have finally decided to pick up the pen (or the keyboard) and work on the query again.

 

Hopefully, this break has given me a fresh perspective and an appropriate approach towards the query writing piece.

 

Thank you so much for your previous inputs.

I hope this version is up-to-the mark.

========

 

Less than five hours ago, the reclusive Karan was an ordinary twenty-something banker in Mumbai.

Now he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form, just by thinking about it.

 

Karan has been in love with Chhaya from the moment he first saw her. After a lot of deliberation, he finally decides to confess his feelings to her.

 

On their date, Chhaya reveals herself to be an extra-terrestrial from one of the many technologically advanced species that inhabit the galaxy. But in spite of all their advancements and progress, they cannot seem to live in harmony and are at the brink of a war that will kill billions.

 

Even as she explains Karan’s true inheritance to him and informs him of his telepathic abilities, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart.

 

When he confides his pain with his best friend, he learns that their friendship was also a sham continued through generations, so that Karan’s ancestral telepathic genes stay protected.

 

With his ideal life turning out to be a manipulation, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

To me, the query works halfway. Sounds like an interesting concept. The problem, I think, is that there are so many moving parts, it's sci-fi AND fantasy and a pretty crazy plot? Very hard to introduce a story like that through a query. I feel like there are so many things happening that I can't anchor to something I recognize.

 

Also, what's going on with the title? Are you trying to sell it in India? (You're not it's a rhetorical question). Maybe have a title that normal people can understand? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't like that title.

 

Sounds like an interesting book, though. Writing queries is so hard. Wish you the best.


Return the favour?? Link my query here.


#66 Faegheh

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Posted 13 August 2017 - 09:03 AM

 

========

 

Less than five hours ago, the reclusive Karan was an ordinary twenty-something banker in Mumbai. Now he is collapsing the lungs of an alien’s human form, just by thinking about it.

 

Karan has been in love with Chhaya from the moment he first saw her. After a lot of deliberation, he finally decides to confess his feelings to her. ​(This is an abrupt shift from your hook which I think is good. After reading the first sentence I want to know more of what happened by the way this sentence starts I feel lost. I know that you must explain what happened and that's what you're doing but it feels like there is no connection.)

 

On their date, Chhaya reveals herself to be an extra-terrestrial from one of the many technologically advanced species that inhabit the galaxy. But in spite of all their advancements and progress, they cannot seem to live in harmony and are at the brink of a war that will kill billions. (This paragraph is about Chhaya, someone who is not your MC and I'm not sure it's relevant information.)

 

Even as she explains Karan’s true inheritance to him and informs him of his telepathic abilities, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart.

 

When he confides his pain with his best friend, he learns that their friendship was also a sham continued through generations, so that Karan’s ancestral telepathic genes stay protected. (This is interesting. His life changes completely.)

 

With his ideal life turning out to be a manipulation, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. (You need to mention the conflict earlier. Up to this point Karan learns the truth about his life but there is no conflict. Sure Chhaya has a problem but we don't see how that would matter to Karan. Is he the only one with that ability? Why he should save billions of people? And what happened to that alien Karan was collapsing his lungs?)

 

SIDDHI: VASITVA is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

The ides is great but your query doesn't tell us about the conflict. More detail is needed. About the title I agree with @Theo A. Gerken. We don't know what your title means.

 

One thing you should know is that I'm not published either and I'm struggling to write a good query. I apologize if I offended you somehow and good luck :)



#67 punitrastogi

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Posted 14 August 2017 - 03:03 PM

Thanks to both of you for your feedback. No, you were not harsh and did not offend me by anything. I am here looking for inputs exactly like yours.
:)

The details in the query are to provide a background on why Karan is needed and what is he supposed to do.
Without it, I am not sure if there is a way to explain one side of his choice/dilemma.
I do agree though that why Chhaya needs Karan, is not explained properly.


About the title, I have a thread in the "Title Tester" sub-forum. Please provide your suggestions there.

:)

#68 punitrastogi

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Posted Yesterday, 03:10 AM   Best Answer

Thank you to every single one of you who have taken their valuable time in helping me progress with my query.

 

I have decided to rename my series and the names of the books in the series.

Also, the genre and other details of the series would be updated.

 

Therefore, it seemed apt that I create another thread with a fresh start.

 

The new version is located at: http://agentquerycon...-fantasysci-fi/

Hope to see you there with your valuable inputs. :)







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