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#1 anathebookworm

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 04:01 PM

Hi everyone! I'm preparing for PitchMadness (yikes!), and I'm a little stuck...

 

I've entered PitchSlam and PitchMAS before with this pitch:

 

Harper's birthmark is meant to show her soulmate. But when it leads to the troll stalking her in YouTube, it's getting removed.

 

But after talking a lot with betas, I've decided to re-write the manuscript completely and include aliens on it. So this pitch might not be the best one to use, because even though what I say there still happens on the book, it might not be a good surprise to agents to find later that I included aliens (they appear, like, at the first 100 words).

 

So I went and wrote this:

 

Thirteen-year-old Harper must team with her online bully to free a group of aliens enslaved by humans for two centuries.

 

But I'm still not sure, and then I combined the two pitches and got this:

 

Harper's birthmark is meant to show her soulmate. But when it leads to her online bully, she learns he needs her help to free an ancient race of aliens from humans.

 

But as everyone can see, I'm pretty confused. What should I use?

 

Thanks everyone!



#2 Andrea Roche

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 04:12 PM

The problem I have with these is I have not a clue how her birthmark and an online bully equals = a race of aliens. This needs more explanation. 

But if you are looking for which of these three would work I guess it would be the second. 


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#3 RSMellette

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 04:22 PM

I like number 2. No need for details in a hook. You have objective and obstacle. You're done.


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#4 anathebookworm

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 04:24 PM

Thanks! :D

 

I guess I could try and use the first line of my query letter too:

 

Thirteen-year-old Harper Bailey is a YouTuber in the middle of an alien invasion. And the only way to fix things is to team up with her online bully.

 

Still 2? Or is this one better?



#5 ViviMont

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 08:46 PM

Hi Ana, personally I like the last one you posted ^. It has keywords that pop and sound catchy. :) 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#6 Andrea Roche

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 09:49 AM

Thanks! :D

 

I guess I could try and use the first line of my query letter too:

 

Thirteen-year-old Harper Bailey is a YouTuber in the middle of an alien invasion. And the only way to fix things is to team up with her online bully.

 

Still 2? Or is this one better?

I like this better. It's much more to the point and explains things much better than muddling it up with a birthmark and soulmates. I'm just worried you have changed the point, fighting an Alien invasion is much different than saving Aliens from being enslaved by humans.  Are the Antagonists the humans or the aliens?


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#7 anathebookworm

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 11:10 AM

Thanks Vanessa! You're always here whenever I need, you know? <3

 

Andrea - thanks too! It's actually a little complicated who the antagonist is. There are alien antagonists, and human antagonists. And there are good aliens, and good humans. When I wrote the book, the point was to always make the reader wonder who was right and who wasn't, so it's difficult for me to explain this in a pitch. Am I making sense? :s



#8 ViviMont

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 11:52 AM

<3 Anytime, darling. Thanks for your comments on mine as well! :)

 

I think alien invasion works, whether they're good or bad-- well, that can be discovered through the query or through your MC's journey. The point is to catch the agent/publisher's attention and the pitch does that. 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#9 EllieFirestone1

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Posted 18 February 2017 - 02:06 PM

Thanks! :D

 

I guess I could try and use the first line of my query letter too:

 

Thirteen-year-old Harper Bailey is a YouTuber in the middle of an alien invasion. And the only way to fix things is to team up with her online bully.

 

Still 2? Or is this one better?

 

Yes! That one! :D

 

I mean, the whole soulmark thing is cool, but the YouTuber thing is more attention-grabbing at this stage.



#10 dmsimone

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 12:45 PM

OK, is this the one I should look at?

 

Thirteen-year-old Harper Bailey is a YouTuber in the middle of an alien invasion. And the only way to fix things is to team up with her online bully.

 

Because I think this one is awesome. Why isn't this whole thing the first two sentences in your query? I recall the first sentence, but not the second. 

I love it! It also sounds very middle grade...quite appropriate.



#11 SRPasternack

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 01:46 PM

OK, is this the one I should look at?

 

Thirteen-year-old Harper Bailey is a YouTuber in the middle of an alien invasion. And the only way to fix things is to team up with her online bully.

 

Because I think this one is awesome. Why isn't this whole thing the first two sentences in your query? I recall the first sentence, but not the second. 

I love it! It also sounds very middle grade...quite appropriate.

 

Seconded!


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#12 DV77

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 07:04 PM

Seconded!

Thirded.



#13 anathebookworm

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 05:23 PM

Awwwww, thank you! You're too kind! <3 <3 <3 <3






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