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Siddhi: Vasitva (Sci-fi/YA/Fantasy/Mythology) - Update in post 16


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#1 punitrastogi

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 04:29 AM

Disclaimer: The mythology, names, places, and some details of the novel are native to the country and culture I am from. Request you to please take them on the face value.

 

Updated version - http://agentquerycon...-6/#entry334860

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KARAN wakes up naked with a headache in the room of a girl, with no idea how he got there. The girl introduces herself as CHHAYA. They met at a party, where Karan got drunk and passed out for two days. Karan is love-struck with Chhaya, and believes that Chhaya likes him too.

 

His room-mates, AAMIR and HARSHIT, are having contradictory thoughts at the news of the reclusive Karan finally meeting a girl. While Aamir is in total support, Harshit is sceptical of the story Chhaya told Karan about herself. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college. Karan really values his opinion, and promises himself to be a bit more careful.

 

A Journal Entry in an unknown language mentions that an Agent has found a Subject who has displayed the skill of Vasitva and is able to transmit his thoughts to others successfully.

 

Over the next month and a half, Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya. His ex-crush from college, NISHA, arrives to stay with them for a week. Karan realizes that although he had lost touch with her, Harshit did not. Nisha was fond of Harshit in the past, but he had not reciprocated her advances.

As Nisha plans a weekend trip to Goa, Karan invites Chhaya along. He was hoping that this would be a chance for his best-friend Harshit to finally get along with the girl of his dreams. Unfortunately, during the journey Harshit and Chhaya have an argument over Karan, which almost leads to a physical altercation. A desperate Karan wants them to Stop, but ends up stopping every living thing around him and freezing everyone in their place. The event takes a toll on him and he collapses in the ensuing confusion and pain. He is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, who to the dismay of Karan and Aamir, seems irresistible to the girls. Karan no longer has any memory of the incident.

 

Another Journal Entry mentions that the Agent has started the journey of the Subject towards a Beacon. The subject had an unusual display of Vasitva skill, and was subdued by another Senior Agent.

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempt of keeping Karan away from Chhaya instead strengthens his feelings towards her. She abandons her in the middle of a swim, only to fix a date in the evening. Believing it to be a do-or-die situation, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. While planning for the evening Karan unintentionally displays his skills again. Harshit takes a promise from Karan to not take the next step in his life without a discussion. A confused Karan agrees.

 

On their date, Chhaya mentions that the Gods and Monsters that humans know in their mythology, are actually multiple extra-terrestrial races at war, who have kept Earth as a neutral ground. She reveals that she there is a great evil growing strong, just like it did thousands of years ago, when the battle of Ramayan took place.

 

Chhaya reveals to a shocked Karan that he is part of a lineage of Possessors dating back to the age of Ramayan. His genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables him to control others through telepathy. There are seven other Possessors who have genes with different Siddhis, and he needs to bring them together to help defeat the great evil in the upcoming civil war in the galaxy.

 

On knowing Chhaya’s true identity, a heart-broken Karan goes back to Harshit for guidance. But Harshit instead reveals that he himself is part of a parallel lineage to the Possessors, called the Protectors. The Protectors are assigned to maintain the security, secrecy, and succession of the genes with the Siddhis.

 

Under the impression that Harshit was never his true friend, but was doing his duty as a Protector, Karan abandons everyone. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning those who lied to him and deceived him. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings while accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to the loss of billions of lives in the war.

 

Based on some advice from a helpful stranger, and some helpful perspective from his mother, Karan finally decides to face Harshit and Chhaya again. But Karan loses all self-control when Harshit reveals that unlike other Protectors in the past, Harshit’s father was not able to monitor Karan’s father after Karan was born. With new fuel added to the fire burning inside him, Karan decides to give up on everyone as he thinks that even if the monsters win, he would not have to live long with the guilt of not stopping the deaths of other beings in the galaxy.

 

As Karan intended to walk out on Chhaya, Harshit, and his responsibilities, a dying Nisha informs them that Rustom has abducted Aamir after gravely injuring her. Chhaya locates Rustom, but they discover that he has held Aamir and hundreds of civilian lives hostage.

 

Karan, Harshit, and Chhaya try and save the situation. But when Rustom drops a helpless Aamir in a river and hurts Chhaya, Karan accepts his role of a soldier in the war. Enraged beyond his senses, Karan kills Rustom using his powers.

 

The death of Aamir and Nisha brings home the thought of the losses in the war, for Karan. He agrees to put his feelings away for the greater goods and participate in the hunt for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation in the war, he collapses again with his final fate unknown.



#2 dragoness

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 06:16 AM

I liked the synopsis very much! :smile:

It's unique and interesting, with a lot of emotions going on...

The conflicts are both internal, interpersonal and external. (Reminding the Ramayana you mention, as much as I know.)

 

I think you better change the beginning of the synopsis: The story is original and gets beyond reality, while the first two paragraphs are so banal they're almost boring. I think you better put the sentence about the add first, then continue to the love story, to have additional layer to it.

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

KARAN wakes up naked with a headache in the room of a girl, with no idea how he got there. The girl introduces herself as CHHAYA. They met at a party, where Karan got drunk and passed out for two days. Karan is love-struck with Chhaya (why?), and believes that Chhaya likes him too.

 

His room-mates, AAMIR and HARSHIT, are having contradictory thoughts at the news of the reclusive Karan finally meeting a girl. While Aamir is in total support, Harshit is sceptical of the story Chhaya told Karan about herself (why?). Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college. Karan really values his opinion, and promises himself to be a bit more careful.

 

A Journal Entry in an unknown language mentions that an Agent has found a Subject who has displayed the skill of Vasitva and is able to transmit his thoughts to others successfully. (unclear when it's here. Do they know about it?)

 

Over the next month and a half, Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya. His ex-crush from college, NISHA, arrives to stay with them for a week. Karan realizes that although he had lost touch with her, Harshit did not. Nisha was fond of Harshit in the past, but he had not reciprocated her advances.

 

 

As Nisha plans a weekend trip to Goa, Karan invites Chhaya along. He was hoping that this would be a chance for his best-friend Harshit to finally get along with the girl of his dreams. Unfortunately, during the journey Harshit and Chhaya have an argument over Karan, which almost leads to a physical altercation. A desperate Karan wants them to Sstop, but ends up stopping every living thing around him and freezing everyone in their place. The event takes a toll on him and he collapses in the ensuing confusion and pain. He is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, who to the dismay of Karan and Aamir, seems irresistible to the girls. Karan no longer has any memory of the incident.

 

Another Journal Entry mentions that the Agent has started the journey of the Subject towards a Beacon. The subject had an unusual display of Vasitva skill, and was subdued by another Senior Agent.

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempt of keeping Karan away from Chhaya strengthens his feelings towards her instead . She abandons her (who abandons who?) in the middle of a swim, only to fix a date in the evening. Believing it to be a do-or-die situation, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. While planning for the evening Karan unintentionally displays his skills again (in what way? why does it matter?) . Harshit takes a promise from Karan to not take the next step in his life without a discussion. A confused Karan agrees.

 

On their date, Chhaya mentions that the Gods and Monsters that humans know in their mythology, are actually multiple extra-terrestrial races at war, who have kept Earth as a neutral ground. She reveals that she there is a great evil growing strong, just like it did thousands of years ago, when the battle of Ramayan took place.

 

Chhaya reveals to a shocked Karan that he is part of a lineage of Possessors dating back to the age of Ramayan. His genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables him to control others through telepathy. There are seven other Possessors who have genes with different Siddhis, and he needs to bring them together to help defeat the great evil in the upcoming civil war in the galaxy.

 

On knowing Chhaya’s true identity, a heart-broken Karan goes back to Harshit for guidance. But Harshit, instead, reveals that he himself is part of a parallel lineage to the Possessors, called the Protectors. The Protectors are assigned to maintain the security, secrecy, and succession of the genes with the Siddhis.

 

Under the impression that Harshit was never his true friend, but was doing his duty as a Protector, Karan abandons everyone. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning those who lied to him and deceived him. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings while accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to the loss of billions of lives in the war. (great dilemma!)

 

Based on some advice from a helpful stranger, and some helpful perspective from his mother, Karan finally decides to face Harshit and Chhaya again. But Karan loses all self-control when Harshit reveals that unlike other Protectors in the past, Harshit’s father was not able to monitor Karan’s father after Karan was born. With new fuel added to the fire burning inside him, Karan decides to give up on everyone as he thinks that even if the monsters win, he would not have to live long with the guilt of not stopping the deaths of other beings in the galaxy. (isn't it very childish, to abandon the world's lives out of revenge? maybe you want to explain it.)

 

As Karan intends to walk out on Chhaya, Harshit, and his responsibilities, a dying Nisha informs them that Rustom has abducted Aamir after gravely injuring her. Chhaya locates Rustom, but they discover that he has held Aamir and hundreds of civilian lives hostage.

 

Karan, Harshit, and Chhaya try and save the situation. But when Rustom drops a helpless Aamir in a river and hurts Chhaya, Karan accepts his role of a soldier in the war. Enraged beyond his senses, Karan kills Rustom using his powers.

 

The death of Aamir and Nisha brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to put his feelings away for the greater goods and participate in the hunt for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation in the war, he collapses again with his final fate unknown. (I think it's not a good end, even for a first book in a series, because it doesn't end anything. Besides, it's obvious the MC won't die. I think you better end it when he prepares for the war.)

Good luck!

 

I'd thank you if you'd like to look at my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#3 punitrastogi

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 06:47 AM

Thank you so much for your response Dragonness.

 

I liked the synopsis very much! :smile:

It's unique and interesting, with a lot of emotions going on...

The conflicts are both internal, interpersonal and external. (Reminding the Ramayana you mention, as much as I know.)

 

I think you better change the beginning of the synopsis: The story is original and gets beyond reality, while the first two paragraphs are so banal they're almost boring. I think you better put the sentence about the add first, then continue to the love story, to have additional layer to it.

 

Here are my detailed comments:

Good luck!

 

I'd thank you if you'd like to look at my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/

 

Though I am not sure if I get your "put the sentence about the add first" suggestion. Which part should be added where?

 

My responses are given below. I have not put the updated synopsis in the hope that others would like to review the original one too.

KARAN wakes up naked with a headache in the room of a girl, with no idea how he got there. The girl introduces herself as CHHAYA. They met at a party, where Karan got drunk and passed out for two days. Karan is love-struck with Chhaya (why?) (updated), and believes that Chhaya likes him too.

 

His room-mates, AAMIR and HARSHIT, are having contradictory thoughts at the news of the reclusive Karan finally meeting a girl. While Aamir is in total support, Harshit is sceptical of the story Chhaya told Karan about herself (why?) (Because he is a protector and he is cynical). Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college. Karan really values his opinion, and promises himself to be a bit more careful.

 

A Journal Entry in an unknown language mentions that an Agent has found a Subject who has displayed the skill of Vasitva and is able to transmit his thoughts to others successfully. (unclear when it's here. Do they know about it?) (updated)

 

Over the next month and a half, Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya. His ex-crush from college, NISHA, arrives to stay with them for a week. Karan realizes that although he had lost touch with her, Harshit did not. Nisha was fond of Harshit in the past, but he had not reciprocated her advances.

 

 

As Nisha plans a weekend trip to Goa, Karan invites Chhaya along. He was hoping that this would be a chance for his best-friend Harshit to finally get along with the girl of his dreams. Unfortunately, during the journey Harshit and Chhaya have an argument over Karan, which almost leads to a physical altercation. A desperate Karan wants them to Sstop, but ends up stopping every living thing around him and freezing everyone in their place. The event takes a toll on him and he collapses in the ensuing confusion and pain. He is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, who to the dismay of Karan and Aamir, seems irresistible to the girls. Karan no longer has any memory of the incident.

 

Another Journal Entry mentions that the Agent has started the journey of the Subject towards a Beacon. The subject had an unusual display of Vasitva skill, and was subdued by another Senior Agent.

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempt of keeping Karan away from Chhaya strengthens his feelings towards her instead (updated) . She abandons her (who abandons who?) (corrected)in the middle of a swim, only to fix a date in the evening. Believing it to be a do-or-die situation, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. While planning for the evening Karan unintentionally displays his skills again (in what way? why does it matter?) (updated). Harshit takes a promise from Karan to not take the next step in his life without a discussion. A confused Karan agrees.

 

On their date, Chhaya mentions that the Gods and Monsters that humans know in their mythology, are actually multiple extra-terrestrial races at war, who have kept Earth as a neutral ground. She reveals that she (updated)there is a great evil growing strong, just like it did thousands of years ago, when the battle of Ramayan took place.

 

Chhaya reveals to a shocked Karan that he is part of a lineage of Possessors dating back to the age of Ramayan. His genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables him to control others through telepathy. There are seven other Possessors who have genes with different Siddhis, and he needs to bring them together to help defeat the great evil in the upcoming civil war in the galaxy.

 

On knowing Chhaya’s true identity, a heart-broken Karan goes back to Harshit for guidance. But Harshit, instead, reveals that he himself is part of a parallel lineage to the Possessors, called the Protectors. The Protectors are assigned to maintain the security, secrecy, and succession of the genes with the Siddhis.

 

Under the impression that Harshit was never his true friend, but was doing his duty as a Protector, Karan abandons everyone. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning those who lied to him and deceived him. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings while accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to the loss of billions of lives in the war. (great dilemma!)

 

Based on some advice from a helpful stranger, and some helpful perspective from his mother, Karan finally decides to face Harshit and Chhaya again. But Karan loses all self-control when Harshit reveals that unlike other Protectors in the past, Harshit’s father was not able to monitor Karan’s father after Karan was born. With new fuel added to the fire burning inside him, Karan decides to give up on everyone as he thinks that even if the monsters win, he would not have to live long with the guilt of not stopping the deaths of other beings in the galaxy. (isn't it very childish, to abandon the world's lives out of revenge? maybe you want to explain it.) (it is explained in the book. Should I explain it here too?)

 

As Karan intends to walk out on Chhaya, Harshit, and his responsibilities, a dying Nisha informs them that Rustom has abducted Aamir after gravely injuring her. Chhaya locates Rustom, but they discover that he has held Aamir and hundreds of civilian lives hostage.

 

Karan, Harshit, and Chhaya try and save the situation. But when Rustom drops a helpless Aamir in a river and hurts Chhaya, Karan accepts his role of a soldier in the war. Enraged beyond his senses, Karan kills Rustom using his powers.

 

The death of Aamir and Nisha brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to put his feelings away for the greater goods and participate in the hunt for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation in the war, he collapses again with his final fate unknown. (I think it's not a good end, even for a first book in a series, because it doesn't end anything. Besides, it's obvious the MC won't die. I think you better end it when he prepares for the war.) (I have been told in peer review that the ending is a cliff hanger considering that one of the primary characters [Aamir] gets shockingly killed)

 

Thanks again for your time.

Will see if I can add value to your synopsis as well. :)



#4 KitCampbell

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 01:43 PM

Hello! I'll try to be of some help.

Disclaimer: The mythology, names, places, and some details of the novel are native to the country and culture I am from. Request you to please take them on the face value.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KARAN wakes up naked with a headache in the room of a girl, with no idea how he got there. The girl introduces herself as CHHAYA. They met at a party, where Karan got drunk and passed out for two days. Karan is love-struck with Chhaya, and believes that Chhaya likes him too.

 

His room-mates, AAMIR and HARSHIT, are having contradictory thoughts at (about) the news of the reclusive Karan finally meeting a girl. While Aamir is in total support, Harshit is sceptical of the story Chhaya told Karan about herself. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college. Karan really values his opinion, and promises himself to be a bit more careful.

 

A Journal Entry (why capitalized?) in an unknown language mentions that an Agent has found a Subject who has displayed the skill of Vasitva and is able to transmit his thoughts to others successfully. (I feel like you don't need this line. I've heard, for synopses, that it's best to follow a single character as much as possible. Surely Karan finds out this information eventually, so it will be better to mention this there, rather than here.)

 

Over the next month and a half, Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya. His ex-crush from college, NISHA, arrives to stay with them for a week. Karan realizes that although he had lost touch with her, Harshit did not. Nisha was fond of Harshit in the past, but he had not reciprocated her advances.

As Nisha plans a weekend trip to Goa, Karan invites Chhaya along. He was hoping that this would be a chance for his best-friend Harshit to finally get along with the girl of his dreams (how is Nisha the girl of his dreams? You just said that he didn't reciprocate her advances). Unfortunately, during the journey Harshit and Chhaya have an argument over Karan, which almost leads to a physical altercation. A desperate Karan wants them to Stop (stop), but ends up stopping every living thing around him and freezing everyone in their place. The event takes a toll on him and he collapses in the ensuing confusion and pain. He is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, who to the dismay of Karan and Aamir (not Harshit?), seems irresistible to the girls. Karan no longer has any memory of the incident.

 

Another Journal Entry mentions that the Agent has started the journey of the Subject towards a Beacon. The subject had an unusual display of Vasitva skill, and was subdued by another Senior Agent. (Again, I'd leave out the journal entries.)

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempt of keeping attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya instead strengthens his feelings towards her. She abandons her (Who?) in the middle of a swim, only to fix a date in the evening. Believing it to be a do-or-die situation, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. While planning for the evening Karan unintentionally displays his skills again. Harshit takes a promise from Karan to not take the next step in his life without a discussion. A confused Karan agrees.

 

On their date, Chhaya mentions that the Gods and Monsters that humans know in their mythology, (no comma) are actually multiple extra-terrestrial races at war, who have kept Earth as a neutral ground. She reveals that she there is a great evil growing strong, just like it did thousands of years ago, when the battle of Ramayan took place.

 

Chhaya reveals to a shocked Karan that he is part of a lineage of Possessors dating back to the age of Ramayan. His genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables him to control others through telepathy. There are seven other Possessors who have genes with different Siddhis, and he needs to bring them together to help defeat the great evil in the upcoming civil war in the galaxy.

 

On Now knowing Chhaya’s true identity, a heart-broken Karan goes back to Harshit for guidance. But Harshit instead reveals that he himself is part of a parallel lineage to the Possessors, called the Protectors. The Protectors are assigned to maintain the security, secrecy, and succession of the genes with the Siddhis.

 

Under the impression that Harshit was never his true friend, but was doing his duty as a Protector, Karan abandons everyone. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning those who lied to him and deceived him. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings while accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to the loss of billions of lives in the war.

 

Based on some advice from a helpful stranger, and some helpful perspective from his mother, Karan finally decides to face Harshit and Chhaya again. But Karan loses all self-control when Harshit reveals that unlike other Protectors in the past, Harshit’s father was not able to monitor Karan’s father after Karan was born. With new fuel added to the fire burning inside him, Karan decides to give up on everyone as he thinks that even if the monsters win, he would not have to live long with the guilt of not stopping the deaths of other beings in the galaxy. (I've lost the story here. Why didn't Harshit's father not monitor Karan's father? Why is this important? Is Karan's father dead, and he blames the Protectors?

 

As Karan intended (intends) to walk out on Chhaya, Harshit, and his responsibilities, a dying Nisha informs them that Rustom has abducted Aamir after gravely injuring her. Chhaya locates Rustom, but they discover that he has held Aamir and hundreds of civilian lives hostage.

 

Karan, Harshit, and Chhaya try and save the situation. But when Rustom drops a helpless Aamir in a river and hurts Chhaya, Karan accepts his role of a soldier in the war. Enraged beyond his senses, Karan kills Rustom using his powers.

 

The death of Aamir and Nisha brings home the thought of the losses in the war, (no comma) for Karan. He agrees to put his feelings away for the greater goods and participate in the hunt for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation in the war, he collapses again with his final fate unknown.

So, a couple of things. You might want to have this edited by a native English speaker before you send it out if you intend to have it read by English-speaking agents/editors. Right now some of the phrases feel a little unnatural.

 

Also, I'm unclear what the revelation about Karan's father means, and so I don't understand why he's upset.

 

Other than that, I liked it!



#5 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 12:54 AM

Thank you Dragoness and KitCampbell for your inputs.

The thing about Karan and Harshit's fathers is about what the Protectors are supposed to do after the genes are passed on to the next generation of Possessors.
The Protector is supposed to transfer the parent Possessor to a location, not yet revealed in the story.
However, Harshit's father could not find and transfer Karan's father after Karan's birth.

Should I include these details in the synopsis?

My opinion is that it would become too complicated and detailed.
The suggestions are welcome.

 

I have only kept the points from KitCampbell's comments, which needed some explanation.

Rest of the contents have been updated.
 

A Journal Entry (why capitalized?) (updated) in an unknown language mentions that an Agent has found a Subject who has displayed the skill of Vasitva and is able to transmit his thoughts to others successfully. (I feel like you don't need this line. I've heard, for synopses, that it's best to follow a single character as much as possible. Surely Karan finds out this information eventually, so it will be better to mention this there, rather than here.) (Karan is not expected to learn about this until very late in the series. The point of keeping this in the synopsis is to prepare the reader for extra-terrestrial element and Chhaya's true identity before the actual reveal.)

As Nisha plans a weekend trip to Goa, Karan invites Chhaya along. He was hoping that this would be a chance for his best-friend Harshit to finally get along with the girl of his dreams (how is Nisha the girl of his dreams? You just said that he didn't reciprocate her advances)(the girl of Karan's dreams is Chhaya, not Nisha. I would rephrase it if it is not coming out properly.). Unfortunately, during the journey Harshit and Chhaya have an argument over Karan, which almost leads to a physical altercation. A desperate Karan wants them to Stop (stop), but ends up stopping every living thing around him and freezing everyone in their place. The event takes a toll on him and he collapses in the ensuing confusion and pain. He is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, who to the dismay of Karan and Aamir (not Harshit?) (No. Aamir has taken a liking to Nisha, Harshit hasn't), seems irresistible to the girls. Karan no longer has any memory of the incident.

 

Based on some advice from a helpful stranger, and some helpful perspective from his mother, Karan finally decides to face Harshit and Chhaya again. But Karan loses all self-control when Harshit reveals that unlike other Protectors in the past, Harshit’s father was not able to monitor Karan’s father after Karan was born. With new fuel added to the fire burning inside him, Karan decides to give up on everyone as he thinks that even if the monsters win, he would not have to live long with the guilt of not stopping the deaths of other beings in the galaxy. (I've lost the story here. Why didn't Harshit's father not monitor Karan's father? Why is this important? Is Karan's father dead, and he blames the Protectors?



#6 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 01:00 AM

The updated synopsis is mentioned below:

---------------------------------------------------------------

KARAN wakes up naked with a headache in the room of a girl, with no idea how he got there. The girl introduces herself as CHHAYA. They met at a party, where Karan got drunk and passed out for two days. Chhaya is everything Karan wanted in a girl. He begins to fall for Chhaya, and believes that Chhaya likes him too.

 

His room-mates, AAMIR and HARSHIT, are having contradictory thoughts about the news of the reclusive Karan finally meeting a girl. While Aamir is in total support, Harshit is sceptical of the story Chhaya told Karan about herself. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college. Karan really values his opinion, and promises himself to be a bit more careful.

 

Unknown to them, a journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found a Subject who has displayed the skill of Vasitva and is able to transmit his thoughts to others and to the logging server successfully.

 

Over the next month and a half, Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya. His ex-crush from college, NISHA, arrives to stay with them for a week. Karan realizes that although he had lost touch with her, Harshit did not. Nisha was fond of Harshit in the past, but he had not reciprocated her advances.

 

As Nisha plans a weekend trip to Goa, Karan invites Chhaya along. He is hoping that this would be a chance for his best-friend Harshit to finally get along with the girl of his dreams, Chhaya. Unfortunately, during the journey Harshit and Chhaya have an argument over Karan, which almost leads to a physical altercation. A desperate Karan wants them to Stop, but ends up stopping every living thing around him and freezing everyone in their place. The event takes a toll on him and he collapses in the ensuing confusion and pain. He is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, who to the dismay of Karan and Aamir, seems irresistible to the girls. Karan no longer has any memory of the incident.

 

Another journal entry mentions that the Agent has started the journey of the Subject towards a Beacon. The subject had an unusual display of Vasitva skill, and was subdued by another Senior Agent.

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya instead strengthens his feelings towards her instead. She abandons him in the middle of a swim, only to fix a date in the evening. Believing it to be a do-or-die situation, Karan decides to express his feelings to her. While planning for the evening Karan unintentionally halts and resumes Harshit and Aamir. Harshit takes a promise from Karan to not take the next step in his life without a discussion. A confused Karan agrees.

 

On their date, Chhaya mentions that the Gods and Monsters that humans know in their mythology are actually multiple extra-terrestrial races at war, who have kept Earth as a neutral ground. She reveals that there is a great evil growing strong, just like it did thousands of years ago, when the battle of Ramayan took place.

 

Chhaya reveals to a shocked Karan that he is part of a lineage of Possessors dating back to the age of Ramayan. His genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables him to control others through telepathy. There are seven other Possessors who have genes with different Siddhis, and he needs to bring them together to help defeat the great evil in the upcoming civil war in the galaxy.

 

Now knowing Chhaya’s true identity, a heart-broken Karan goes back to Harshit for guidance. But Harshit instead reveals that he himself is part of a parallel lineage to the Possessors, called the Protectors. The Protectors are assigned to maintain the security, secrecy, and succession of the genes with the Siddhis.

 

Under the impression that Harshit was never his true friend, but was doing his duty as a Protector, Karan abandons everyone. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning those who lied to him and deceived him. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings while accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to the loss of billions of lives in the war.

 

Based on some advice from a helpful stranger, and some helpful perspective from his mother, Karan finally decides to face Harshit and Chhaya again. But Karan loses all self-control when Harshit reveals a secret about Karan’s father who had abandoned him at birth. Karan is convinced that neither Harshit nor Chhaya appreciate his feelings, and only think of him as either a weapon or an object to be protected.

 

With new fuel added to the fire burning inside him, Karan decides to give up on everyone as he thinks that even if the monsters win, he would not have to live long with the guilt of not stopping the deaths of other beings in the galaxy.

 

As Karan intends to walk out on Chhaya, Harshit, and his responsibilities, a dying Nisha informs them that Rustom has abducted Aamir after gravely injuring her. Chhaya locates Rustom, but they discover that he has held Aamir and hundreds of civilian lives hostage.

 

Karan, Harshit, and Chhaya try and save the situation. But when Rustom drops a helpless Aamir in a river and hurts Chhaya, Karan accepts his role of a soldier in the war. Enraged beyond his senses, Karan kills Rustom using his powers.

 

The final journal entry reveals that Rustom was the first martyr in the mission to bring the Possessors together.

 

The death of Aamir and Nisha brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to put his feelings away for the greater goods and participate in the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation in the war, he collapses again.



#7 KitCampbell

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 12:57 PM

This new version is much clearer! Fixed everything I was confused about. :) I think you just need it proofread.



#8 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 02:42 PM

Thanks again KitCampbell for your inputs :)

 

I have updated the synopsis and have tried to bring it to less than 3000 characters.

Based on the content above, I need some suggestions on how to trim/update the below mentioned abridged version further.

If I have missed something that seemed important above, I would need that highlighted too.

Current length - 3142 characters

 

Any comments/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

####################################################

 

KARAN meets CHHAYA at a party and develops an instant liking towards her. His roommates, AAMIR and HARSHIT, have contradictory reactions to Karan's relationship with Chhaya. While Aamir supports him, Harshit is very skeptical. Karan values Harshit's opinion a lot since college, and promises to be careful.

 

Unknown to them, a journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found a Subject with the Vasitva skill.

 

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college arrives for a week. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along.

 

During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, with no memory of the incident.

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen his feelings instead. In the resort, Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit and Aamir. A rattled Harshit asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

 

On their date, Chhaya mentions that the Gods and Monsters in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, with Earth as one of the neutral planets. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galactic peace, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan.

 

She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have passed-on the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his lineage has the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables him to telepathically control others. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.

 

Knowing her truth, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance. But Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the Possessors' genes with the Siddhis.

 

Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to an apocalypse.

 

Based on some advice from his mother and a helpful stranger, Karan decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. Eventually, he is convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone, arguing that if the monsters win, he would not have to live long with the guilt.

 

A dying Nisha informs them that Rustom injured her and has abducted Aamir. They discover that Rustom is holding Aamir and many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom drops a helpless Aamir in a river and hurts Chhaya, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

 

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors.

 

Aamir and Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.



#9 dragoness

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Posted 19 February 2017 - 04:21 AM

Thank you for critiquing my synopsis  :smile: .

 

I went over this version of your synopsis, and I think it's good. You're almost there, IMO.

 

Why do you want to shorten it? I didn't see that a synopsis should be less than 3000 characters. Did you? Do you think I should also shorten my synopsis?

 

I still don't understand if chhaya is good or bad: on one hand, she wants to save the world so she finds Karan and tells him about his powers. On the other hand, Rustom wants to kill Karan and his powers, so he's bad, isn't he? The journal is on rustom's side (bad) and the journal rejoices as Chhaya finds Karan. Does she sweeps sides in the middle of the story? It's very confusing, and as Chhaya is main character, I think you better clarify this in the synopsis. 

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

I think you can omit Aamir from the synopsis. You have many characters and it's confusing, and his role here is not important.

 

 

I think the beginning is still, unlike the story, banal and unclear, so you better start the story this way, IMO:

 

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found a Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others. (I think this is a most intriguing beginning)

 

KARAN wakes up naked with a headache in a room of a girl, with no idea how he got there. The girl, CHHAYA, is everything Karan wanted in a woman. Yet, his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of the story Chhaya told Karan about herself. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises himself to be more careful.

 

KARAN meets CHHAYA at a party and develops an instant liking towards her (why?). His roommates, AAMIR and HARSHIT, have contradictory reactions to Karan's relationship with Chhaya. While Aamir supports him, Harshit is very skeptical (why? it should be understood here, not later) . Karan values Harshit's opinion a lot since college, and promises to be careful.

 

Unknown to them, a journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found a Subject with the Vasitva skill (what is it? it should be understood here).

 

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives for a week. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along.

 

During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, with no memory of the incident.

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen his feelings instead. In the resort, Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, who and Aamir. A rattled Harshit asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

 

On their date, Chhaya mentions (doesn't she intend to tell him that? isn't "tell " better than "mention"?) that the Gods and Monsters in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, with Earth as one of the neutral planets. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galactic peace, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have passed-on the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his lineage has the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables him to telepathically control others. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.

 

Knowing her truth, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the Possessors' genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him, between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to an apocalypse.

 

Based on some advice from his mother and a helpful stranger, Karan decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. Eventually, he is convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone, arguing that if the monsters win, he would not have to live long with the guilt. (the argument is not convincing, IMO, so it's better without it).

 

A dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom injured her and has abducted Aamir. They discover that Rustom is holding Aamir and many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom drops a helpless Aamir in a river and hurts Chhaya, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

 

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors.

 

Aamir and Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again. (Good!)



#10 punitrastogi

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 12:57 AM

Thank you for critiquing my synopsis  :smile: .

 

I went over this version of your synopsis, and I think it's good. You're almost there, IMO.

 

Why do you want to shorten it? I didn't see that a synopsis should be less than 3000 characters. Did you? Do you think I should also shorten my synopsis?

 

I still don't understand if chhaya is good or bad: on one hand, she wants to save the world so she finds Karan and tells him about his powers. On the other hand, Rustom wants to kill Karan and his powers, so he's bad, isn't he? The journal is on rustom's side (bad) and the journal rejoices as Chhaya finds Karan. Does she sweeps sides in the middle of the story? It's very confusing, and as Chhaya is main character, I think you better clarify this in the synopsis. 

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

Thanks again Dragoness

I had to shorten it as one of the agents I am pitching to has an online form which mentions 3000 characters as the limit.

 

I guess you can keep a shortened copy handy, just in case you encounter something like this.

Not mandatory though.

 

Chhaya's gray character is one of the highlights of the story. So I am not sure if that is coming across in the synopsis, or if there is any other way to write it.

 

Rustom just wants to extract Karan's powers because he had decided to give up. He doesnt care about Karan.

 

Aamir's character is important because his death makes Karan reconsider his decision to give up.

Nisha is actually not important in the synopsis, except that she is the one that informs them about Rustom's actions.

 

You have made some excellent points to the synopsis. Will post the updated version shortly



#11 dragoness

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 06:55 AM

Thanks for the explanation about the length  :smile: .

 

In general, I think the synopsis doesn't have to follow the manuscript strictly, if changes would make it clearer and more attaching, but it's only my personal opinion  :blush: .

In particular, I think Chhaya's character is too confusing in the synopsis, and should be clearer, at least in the end of it.

I also think that Aamir's role is unclear in the synopsis, and you better explain it or delete him (which I think is preferred, because there are too many characters already, and in the synopsis Nisha can make Karan act, his connection to her, as his former lover, is clearer).

Again, it's only my POV...

 

I'd be happy if you could take a look on my new version: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#12 punitrastogi

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 02:21 AM

Thanks Dragoness.
I think I kind of get your point.
Here is the updated version:

########################################

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up naked with a headache in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman. Though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of Chhaya and her story. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises himself to be more careful.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college arrives for a week. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along.

During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

In Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen his feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

On their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan.

She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis.

Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

He reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone.

A dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.

#13 dragoness

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 08:59 AM

It's really good now, IMO.  :smile:

 

It's both fascinating and clear.

 

There were several sentences and paragraph I suggested to unite, to make the reading more fluent:

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up naked with a headache in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of Chhaya her and her story. (it sounds to me more fluent as one sentence.) Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises himself to be more careful.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college, (comma) arrives for a week. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident. (I think it's more fluent in one paragraph.)

After they arrive to In (the transition isn't fluent enough this way, I think) Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen his (not clear who) Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war. (no need to separate it to two paragraphs)

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse. (again, no need to separate it to two paragraphs)

KARAN He reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors and warns Chhaya for her interference. (great!)

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.

 

Thanks for your help. I'd be happy if you'd like to take a look at my new version: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/

and would be happy to look at your next one.



#14 punitrastogi

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 09:49 AM

Thanks for the quick reply dragoness.

Here is the updated draft.

Since it is fairly crisp and tight, I am going to keep this as the only version.
I might create a long version too if needed.

Here is the updated version:

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of her and her story. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.

#15 dragoness

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 10:19 AM

I think it's very good :Woah!:

 

(I already somewhat know your story, so maybe hear another fresh opinion...)

 

There were few minor things I noticed now:

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. Chhaya She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of her and her story. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives. , and When a trip to Goa is planned,. Karan invites Chhaya along., but during the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. (I think turning these 3 short sentences into two makes it more fluent) A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. The A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.

 

Good luck!  :smile:



#16 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 12:29 AM

 Thanks again Dragoness.

 

The updated version is given below:

 

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. Chhaya is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of her and her story. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college arrives, and a trip to Goa is planned,. Karan invites Chhaya along, but during the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.



#17 dragoness

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 02:57 AM

I believe you're done  :smile: .

 

(I wonder if understanding it doesn't require some knowledge of the Ramayana, like who is Ravan?)

 

I added only one comma:

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of her and her story. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors, (comma) and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.

 

I changed my synopsis a little according to some of your comments. Would you care to take a look? http://agentquerycon...ue/#entry334833



#18 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 01:18 PM

I

 

I believe you're done  :smile: .

 

(I wonder if understanding it doesn't require some knowledge of the Ramayana, like who is Ravan?)

 

I added only one comma:

 

I changed my synopsis a little according to some of your comments. Would you care to take a look? http://agentquerycon...ue/#entry334833

I did.

 

It is in good shape IMHO.

 

I would wait for a few more comments from others for some value add. 

 

Thanks again for all of your suggestions dragoness :)



#19 punitrastogi

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Posted Yesterday, 12:20 AM

Any further comments?

========================================================

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of her and her story. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors, and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.






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