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The Subjugator (Fantasy/Sci-fi)


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#21 punitrastogi

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 04:42 AM

Thanks for your feedback spinner :)

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his roommate (spelling: "roommate"Not really sure what's to change here), HARSHIT, is sceptical (spelling: "skeptical") of her and her story. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful. (I am thrown off a little by this paragraph; it starts with him having no idea how he got into Chhaya's room, and then she's immediately everything he wanted in a woman. The first sentence makes it sound like he doesn't know Chhaya at all, and the second sentence makes it sound like he's intimately familiar with her. That is exactly the inference that I wanted to draw. Karan is so mesmerized with her that he cannot even question her. That is what makes Harshit even skeptical about her. He has been protective about Karan for a reason given below (Protector). Also, I'm left wondering what Chhaya's story is that Harshit is skeptical of) -

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him (I'm not sure what this means; does he use some supernatural power to literally freeze them? - Yes). He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war. (this supernatural plot seems to be the heart of your story, and the most engaging part; I'm wondering if you could trim down a lot of what comes before it so that it's clear what kind of story we're talking about earlier in the synopsis.) - I am not sure which part to edit. Any suggestions are welcome. :)

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken (spelling: "heartbroken") Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. (grammatically, it would work better to either combine these two sentences with a comma or get rid of the "but") But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN (you don't need to put this name in all-caps at this point) reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors, and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.

 

There is a lot going on here that can be kind of hard to follow; maybe that's because I'm not familiar with the right kind of mythology, and you just need to make sure you're submitting to agents who are likely to know what you mean by Ramayan and Siddhis, for example. That said, you might benefit from exploring ways to make your fantastic elements more accessible.

 

The book was initially called Siddhi:Vasitva. But I have renamed it to "The Subjugator" to make it more accessible and give an indication on what the book is about.

 

I will be positing a revised version soon. Hope to see your comments there as well. :)



#22 jaustail

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 10:12 AM

I don't know how a synopsis is supposed to look like. Here's my opinion:

 

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of her and her story(what is her story?). Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college(are they still in college or are they workers? it's okay if this isn't clarified in the book. i myself hate giving profession to my characters), and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush(maybe remove 'ex') from college, arrives(why does she arrive? what reason does she give?). When a trip to Goa is planned(maybe put this in active voice. who plans this trip? who are the members?), Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him(i didnt understand this. does he freeze them or something?). He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa(so they continue their trip and dont return home? maybe mention that karan insists they dont abandon the trip because of his health), Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit(i am not understanding this 'stop and revive' act), who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly(oh interesting. now it's getting clear. maybe put this in query as well that karans' thoughts can be dangerous for others). A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on(maybe 'during their date' to remove repetition of 'on') their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels(and why does karan trust her? why does he not think she's fooling him or has gone crazy? does she demonstrate that she's an angel? does she show her wings or something?). She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.(this is interesting.)

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers(mention the powers) and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors, and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.(so there is a sequel? from what i've read in submission guidelines, agents want the entire story in synopsis. no suspense)

 

 

Maybe start the query from:

Karan's jaw drops when wings unfurl from his girlfriend, Chhaya's back. As she flies in the hotel room where they have for vacation, Chhaya reveals she's an angel. And then continue...

 

JMO



#23 smithgirl

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 01:26 PM

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others. What? I would delete.

KARAN meets a woman named wakes up in CHHAYA s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wants in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of her and her story. What is her story? Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful. But then he wakes in Chhaya's room and has no idea how he got there.

 

I think the paragraph works better if you rearrange a bit.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, But didn't he wake up in her bed? That seemed like a scary thing, so why is he still enchanted? So is this before or after he wakes up lost?  NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. Karan desperately Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. What does it mean, he stops everyone? He collapses in pain, Why?and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, Who is Dr. Rustom? A random doctor who sees Karan collapse? having no memory of the incident. Of what incident? The argument? The collapse?

After they arrive in Goa,I thought they were already in Goa, that they were journeying around in Goa. Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Typical. :-) Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, Revives him? Harshit was unconscious? who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on a their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her race is type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. I don't know this story. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. This needs more explanation. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war. This paragraph contains too much information. I'm afraid I'm very unclear. You need to present this information more clearly.

Karan is heartbroken that Chaya was just using him, and he In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is also part of the plot: he is part of a lineage called the Protectors. The Protectors are responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him comma too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then he learns that Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilians lives hostage. Karan is enraged that When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, and he Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr What? You need to clarify the journal thing, with more than the cryptic sentence at the beginning. in the mission to assimilate the Possessors, and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again. This is the end? He collapses?

 

Hi Punitrastogi. I'm afraid I'm very unclear on the details of your story. I made some comments in the body of the synopsis. I would focus on really clarifying the sequence of events and also the gallactic history, the journal, and who is Dr. Rustrom? His character is never defined. I think the world in your story is very complex, which makes it hard to make clear in a synopsis, but you have to try. You can make your synopsis longer, still. Can you please look at my synopsis when you get a chance? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...lling-literary/



#24 punitrastogi

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 03:30 AM

Ok. Going to give it a fresh start.

 

Here is the latest version.

 

Please rip it apart. :)

=============================================================================

A journal entry in an alien language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

 

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. He recalls that they had met in a bar 2 days ago. She is everything Karan wants in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is skeptical of her. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful about Chhaya.

 

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his crush from college, arrives unexpectedly. When a college reunion trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop but ends up stopping every person around him in their tracks. He collapses in pain and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident and no damage to his health.

 

Another journal entry suggests that since the first Agent was not able to handle the Subject, her superior has been sent to complete the mission of bringing the Subject on-board.

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen his feelings instead. Karan unknowingly stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

 

During their date, Karan wants to confess his feelings to Chhaya. But instead, to his bewilderment, Chhaya discloses that all entities in all human mythologies are actually extra-terrestrials, and the events of Ramayan were real.

 

She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis or superpowers of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables subjugation through telepathy.

 

She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan and she needs his help to assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil. In a final blow to Karan’s already broken trust, she confesses that she belongs to a class of aliens that Hindus call an Apsara.

 

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance. Harshit says that what Chhaya said about Ramayan and mythological beings is true. Harshit reveals that although he is a human, he is part the Protectors, the lineages responsible for the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. He confesses that like his ancestors protected Karan’s, he became Karan’s friend only to ensure that the genes pass along successfully.

 

Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

 

Karan reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not care about him, and only want his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone.

 

Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage, demanding Karan’s powers in exchange. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

 

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors and reprimands Chhaya for her interference and deviation from the plan.

 

Nisha's death brings home the thought of the losses of war for Karan. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm his participation, he collapses again.



#25 galaxyspinner

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 04:18 PM

Thanks for your critique!

 

A journal entry in an alien language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

 

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. He recalls that they had met in a bar 2 (It's preferable to write out numbers in this context) days ago. She is everything Karan wants in a woman, though his room-mate (Somehow I managed to obscure the problem when I first critiqued your query; "roommate" should be a single, non-hyphenated word), HARSHIT, is skeptical of her. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful about Chhaya.

 

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his crush from college, arrives unexpectedly. When a college reunion trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop but ends up stopping every person around him in their tracks (I feel like I understand what is happening here, but I'm wondering if this might be problematic for some people; maybe it would serve you well to define the Subject's powers in the first sentence as psychopathic, or something). He collapses in pain and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident and no damage to his health.

 

Another journal entry suggests that since the first Agent was not able to handle the Subject, her superior has been sent to complete the mission of bringing the Subject on-board (in this context, it is more correct to say "on board", without the hyphen).

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen his feelings instead. Karan unknowingly stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

 

During their date, Karan wants to confess his feelings to Chhaya. But instead, to his bewilderment, Chhaya discloses that all entities in all human mythologies are actually extra-terrestrials, and the events of Ramayan (is there a quick way to explain the important points of Ramayan to somebody who might not be familiar with it?) were real.

 

She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis or superpowers of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables subjugation through telepathy.

 

She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan and she needs his help to assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil. In a final blow to Karan’s already broken trust, she confesses that she belongs to a class of aliens that Hindus call an Apsara (should it be "the Apsara"?).

 

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken (to my knowledge, this should always be "heartbroken", without the hyphen; also, between dismay, disbelief, and heartbroken, maybe you could economize on your words a little here) Karan goes to Harshit for guidance. Harshit says that what Chhaya said about Ramayan and mythological beings is true. Harshit reveals that although he is a human, he is part the Protectors, the lineages responsible for the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. He confesses that like his ancestors protected Karan’s (tricky syntax; consider something like "He confesses that, in the way his ancestors protected Karan's, he..."), he became Karan’s friend only to ensure that the genes pass along successfully.

 

Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

 

Karan reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not care about him, and only want his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone.

 

Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage, demanding Karan’s powers in exchange. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

 

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors and reprimands Chhaya for her interference and deviation from the plan.

 

Nisha's death brings home the thought of the losses of war for Karan. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm his participation, he collapses again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#26 W.P.

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 01:52 PM

Ok. Going to give it a fresh start.

 

Here is the latest version.

 

Please rip it apart. :)

=============================================================================

A journal entry in an alien language mentions that--claims? just sounds better to me in this context an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

 

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. He recalls that they had met in a bar 2 days ago. She is everything Karan wants in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is skeptical of her. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful about Chhaya.

 

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his crush from college, arrives unexpectedly. When a college reunion trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop but ends up stopping every person around him in their tracks. He collapses in pain and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident and no damage to his health.

 

Another journal entry suggests that since the first Agent was not able to handle the Subject, her superior has been sent to complete the mission of bringing the Subject on-board. ((I like these mentions. Adds something different to the synopsis. Makes it more engaging.)

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen his feelings instead. Karan unknowingly stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.  ((I think by this point an agent would notice one thing: Karan is passive. Things happen to him, but he makes nothing happen. nothing on purpose at least. He reacts only, never acts. Most agents are looking for active characters but this synopsis makes Karan sound very passive. Like the whole world is about him and is after him, but he himself doesn't have goals or things to do. He just has feelings. Now, some agents might not notice, but most will. And they might not get to the end of the synopsis to find out WHAT and WHEN he does something. So I suggest rewriting it so that it sounds like Karan isn't just the focus of everyone's attention, but rather, he's the story, he's the one driving it forward.))

 

During their date, Karan wants to confess his feelings to Chhaya. But instead, to his bewilderment, Chhaya discloses that all entities in all human mythologies are actually extra-terrestrials, and the events of Ramayan were real. ((see what I mean? All he has is feelings, and yet he doesn't even act on them--not yet at least. this might put off many agents.))

 

She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis or superpowers of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables subjugation through telepathy.

 

She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan and she needs his help to assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil. ((this is very interesting. but this is midway into the synopsis and we only find out about the antagonist now? what have the antagonist forces been doing? threatening? how? what have the other characters been doing to stop it? It seems that so much time was spent on the romance side, that the fantasy/sci-fi part was neglected in this synopsis. Also, I don't remember you mentioning this being a romance in the query. but based on the synopsis, the novel puts a great focus on the romance meaning, it's a romance novel (simply because this story would appeal more to those that are looking to read about a love story). If you target this novel to a fantasy reader, they might be disappointed with the focus in the romance because it detracts so much from the fantasy/sci-fi aspect of it. If you target it to a romance fantasy reader, they will read this book and beg for more. This is just my assumption based on the synopsis. If the romance aspect isn't that big in the novel, then I suggest showing that in the synopsis, or you'll be attracting the wrong agents--the agents that are looking for a novel you are not writing.))  In a final blow to Karan’s already broken trust, she confesses that she belongs to a class of aliens that Hindus call an Apsara.

 

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance. Harshit says that what Chhaya said about Ramayan and mythological beings is true. Harshit   ((implied and redundant. the paragraph is stronger without it))reveals that although he is a human, he is part the Protectors, the lineages responsible for the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. He confesses that like his ancestors protected Karan’s  ((could be better phrased)), he became Karan’s friend only to ensure that the genes pass along successfully.

 

Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, ((implied so it can be removed )) Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse. ((I'm a bit confused about the structure of the story. Because this is almost at the end of the synopsis, I assume this is almost at the end of the novel? But this sounds like something that would happen in the beginning of the novel as an inciting incident. Also, because this is said in the query, I assumed this had to be part of the beginning. Queries don't reveal the climaxes of the story, usually only inciting incident. Not the whole novel. But if this is at the end of the story, then I'm not sure there was enough conflict related to the fantasy-plot up until this point. All mentions were in the entries and the whole "Chhaya confessing" parts. meaning, it was just exposition, no action, no story. Now, I'm sure you have plenty of it in the novel, but agents need to read it in the synopsis so they know your novel is structured and has the content they need. ))

 

Karan reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not care about him, and only want his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone.  (again, no action. he decides one thing, then doesn't do it. then decides another, which is not doing anything about the whole situation. This is Karan's moment, but he doesn't shine. Also, this is reading this a final decision moment, meaning that the only things that happened so far was Karan falling in love with an alien, finding out he has powers that others are after. the rest if exposition and romance and friendship problems --which are a great source of conflict, but the ones mentioned aren't enough to fill a fantasy novel. Agents will be very wary of this.)

 

Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage, demanding Karan’s powers in exchange. ((Nisha was only mentioned once before--for the romance plot--and I actually had to go back and check who she was. she doesn't seem to be that relevant a character so she shouldn't be in the synopsis. But since she's used as bait to get Karan to give up his powers, it makes sense she's mentioned.)) When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers. ((Only now do the antagonistic forces appear and do something. agents might be suspicious seeing how late into the story the fantasy plot actually starts. Also, Karan changes too quickly. I understand the death of his crush is a trigger, but just the previous paragraph he was done with her and his alien friend. I know he didn't stop caring just like that, but it still feels odd. That, and because even when he kills the villain, he does it as a reaction (reacting to Chhaya's death) so even at the very end, Karan still reacts and doesn't act. I still don't know what his goal is. He reacts to everything. Does nothing on his own. This is a huge no-no for agents. My advice: rewrite the synopsis by thinking of Karan as--not the centre of the story, as the one thing everything revolves around--but as the story itself. Karan is the protagonist, he should be doing things, making things happen. Even if small things. Of course, antagonists tend to do more. that's the problem with hero stories. heroes react to evil actions. evil does, good reacts. however, the heroes still need to have their goals established and need to do things.))

 

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors and reprimands Chhaya for her interference and deviation from the plan. 

 

Nisha's death brings home the thought of the losses of war for Karan. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm his participation, he collapses again.  ((this ending sounds like the end of Act 1 in a novel. So I'm guessing this is the first novel in a trilogy or series. but even if it's a series, this ending sounds unfinished. Also, if Chhaya dies, why does the story focus so much on a love story that doesn't happen? Is it supposed to be a tragedy? ))

 

 

What an interesting story! Really liked those journal entries. :)

 

Sorry for the wall of text but when I start to ramble I can't stop. xD Anyway, I think the synopsis is lacking structure and Karan is lacking "characterisation". Only thing he does in the whole synopsis is kill the antagonist, but he does it as a reaction to a loved one's death. 

The first two thirds of the synopsis are a love story and the last third is a science-fi/fantasy story. But the problem is that there is only one novel, meaning, both genres (romance and SFF) should be included throughout the synopsis as one unit, and not two separate sections. 

 

Anyway, I hope this helps. :)



#27 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 12:18 PM

Any further comments?

========================================================

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others. I kept rereading this sentence before moving on. Grammatically, it is fine, but I don't have the right context to understand it and instead of reading on to answer the questions it evokes, I just keep rereading it. 

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is skeptical of her and her story. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful. A little too much telling of who feels what about whom. 

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. So far this seems more like the set up for romance than fantasyA desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. Is he literally freezing them in time or something? Or just like bumping into them, stopping them to ask questions or something.  He collapses in pain, and is revived revived implies he died by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees. Again, more of this feels like a romance, with a little fantasy sprinkled in. And my "stop" now I think you mean literally makes them frozen or inanimate. It seems like he has more control, but doesn't say why or how he got it, and if he understands this ability at all. And so far, I'm not seeing a connection to the opening line. There is just stopping, not the telepathy implied by the letter. 

Later on, on their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. Had K been asking about this? She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war. Now we've made a big jump from romance and a little mahig to something much bigger. I think everything before this could be condensed into a paragraph. 

 

After waking up in his dream-girl, CHHAYA’s room with no memory of how he got there, KARAN develops to ability to "stop" people with his mind. The ability manifest itself when Karan is upset, like when ___ as arguing with him or ______ did ______. 

 

Finally, he gets a date with with Chhaya where she discloses....

 

You don't have to use my exact words, but as a reader expecting a sci-fi fantasy story, I was bored by romance/relationship set up. 

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors, and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.

 

I for a little lost near the end, so if you shorten the begining, maybe you can expand the later parts a little? 

 

You might also want to make Karan a little more active, so he is doing more stuff instead of just being told everything. 



#28 hermitage

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Posted 24 July 2018 - 01:57 AM

Ok. Going to give it a fresh start.

 

Here is the latest version.

 

Please rip it apart. :)

=============================================================================

A journal entry in an alien language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others. Not helpful, IMO. This is more a matter of style than plot.

 

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. He recalls that they had met in a bar 2 days ago. Well that is one idea. She is everything Karan wants in a woman, Cam you make this more tangible? It's abstract as is. What's so appealing about her? though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is skeptical of her. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful about Chhaya. When? Is he still in her room? What happened when he was there? If nothing, why do we open there?

 

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his crush from college, arrives unexpectedly. Arrives where? When a college reunion trip to Goa is planned, by whom? Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop but ends up stopping every person around him in their tracks. He collapses in pain and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident and no damage to his health. This sounds maybe too technical or too much like a video game.

 

Another journal entry suggests that since the first Agent was not able to handle the Subject, her superior has been sent to complete the mission of bringing the Subject on-board.

 

In Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen his feelings instead. Karan unknowingly stops and revives Harshit, I had to read this a couple times to figure out what you meant. who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

 

During their date, Karan wants to confess his feelings to Chhaya. But instead, to his bewilderment, Chhaya discloses that all entities in all human mythologies are actually extra-terrestrials, and the events of Ramayan were real. How many literary agents do you expect to have a working knowledge of what this means?

 

She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis or superpowers of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enables subjugation through telepathy.

 

She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan and she needs his help to assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil. What's so evil about this evil? Do they want to put mustard on french fries? Wear ball caps sideways? This is abstract as written. In a final blow to Karan’s already broken trust, she confesses that she belongs to a class of aliens that Hindus call an Apsara(s).

 

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance. Harshit says that what Chhaya said about Ramayan and mythological beings is true. Harshit reveals that although he is a human, he is part the Protectors grammar?, the lineages responsible for the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. He confesses that like his ancestors protected Karan’s, he became Karan’s friend only to ensure that the genes pass along successfully.

 

Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse. Why? Will it make me lock my keys in my car? Will every commercial play twice in a row on every show forever? What exactly will happen if he does what?

 

Karan reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not care about him, and only want his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Hard for me to relate to this character. He seems very focused on his own little friendships or lack thereof when all sorts of galactic stuff is happening around him. 

 

Then, a dying Nisha Nisha... we hardly knew ye. informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage, demanding Karan’s powers in exchange. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers. What is Rustom's allegiance?

 

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors and reprimands Chhaya for her interference and deviation from the plan.

 

Nisha's death brings home the thought of the losses of war for Karan. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm his participation, he collapses again. Why?






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