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The Subjugator (Sci-fi/Fantasy/Mythology) - Update in post 16


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#21 punitrastogi

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 04:42 AM

Thanks for your feedback spinner :)

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his roommate (spelling: "roommate"Not really sure what's to change here), HARSHIT, is sceptical (spelling: "skeptical") of her and her story. Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful. (I am thrown off a little by this paragraph; it starts with him having no idea how he got into Chhaya's room, and then she's immediately everything he wanted in a woman. The first sentence makes it sound like he doesn't know Chhaya at all, and the second sentence makes it sound like he's intimately familiar with her. That is exactly the inference that I wanted to draw. Karan is so mesmerized with her that he cannot even question her. That is what makes Harshit even skeptical about her. He has been protective about Karan for a reason given below (Protector). Also, I'm left wondering what Chhaya's story is that Harshit is skeptical of) -

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him (I'm not sure what this means; does he use some supernatural power to literally freeze them? - Yes). He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa, Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war. (this supernatural plot seems to be the heart of your story, and the most engaging part; I'm wondering if you could trim down a lot of what comes before it so that it's clear what kind of story we're talking about earlier in the synopsis.) - I am not sure which part to edit. Any suggestions are welcome. :)

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken (spelling: "heartbroken") Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. (grammatically, it would work better to either combine these two sentences with a comma or get rid of the "but") But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN (you don't need to put this name in all-caps at this point) reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors, and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.

 

There is a lot going on here that can be kind of hard to follow; maybe that's because I'm not familiar with the right kind of mythology, and you just need to make sure you're submitting to agents who are likely to know what you mean by Ramayan and Siddhis, for example. That said, you might benefit from exploring ways to make your fantastic elements more accessible.

 

The book was initially called Siddhi:Vasitva. But I have renamed it to "The Subjugator" to make it more accessible and give an indication on what the book is about.

 

I will be positing a revised version soon. Hope to see your comments there as well. :)



#22 jaustail

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 10:12 AM

I don't know how a synopsis is supposed to look like. Here's my opinion:

 

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others.

KARAN wakes up in CHHAYA’s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wanted in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of her and her story(what is her story?). Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college(are they still in college or are they workers? it's okay if this isn't clarified in the book. i myself hate giving profession to my characters), and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, NISHA, his ex-crush(maybe remove 'ex') from college, arrives(why does she arrive? what reason does she give?). When a trip to Goa is planned(maybe put this in active voice. who plans this trip? who are the members?), Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. A desperate Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him(i didnt understand this. does he freeze them or something?). He collapses in pain, and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, having no memory of the incident.

After they arrive in Goa(so they continue their trip and dont return home? maybe mention that karan insists they dont abandon the trip because of his health), Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit(i am not understanding this 'stop and revive' act), who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly(oh interesting. now it's getting clear. maybe put this in query as well that karans' thoughts can be dangerous for others). A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on(maybe 'during their date' to remove repetition of 'on') their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her type are called the Angels(and why does karan trust her? why does he not think she's fooling him or has gone crazy? does she demonstrate that she's an angel? does she show her wings or something?). She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war.(this is interesting.)

In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is part of a lineage called the Protectors, responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers(mention the powers) and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilian lives hostage. When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr in the mission to assimilate the Possessors, and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again.(so there is a sequel? from what i've read in submission guidelines, agents want the entire story in synopsis. no suspense)

 

 

Maybe start the query from:

Karan's jaw drops when wings unfurl from his girlfriend, Chhaya's back. As she flies in the hotel room where they have for vacation, Chhaya reveals she's an angel. And then continue...

 

JMO


Query: WALL OF ICE

(Space Opera)

Revised version: Link


#23 smithgirl

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 01:26 PM

A journal entry in a strange language mentions that an Agent has found the Subject able to transmit his thoughts to others. What? I would delete.

KARAN meets a woman named wakes up in CHHAYA s room, with no idea how he got there. She is everything Karan wants in a woman, though his room-mate, HARSHIT, is sceptical of her and her story. What is her story? Harshit has been protective of Karan since their time together in college, and Karan really values his opinion, so he promises to be more careful. But then he wakes in Chhaya's room and has no idea how he got there.

 

I think the paragraph works better if you rearrange a bit.

As Karan continues to be enchanted by Chhaya, But didn't he wake up in her bed? That seemed like a scary thing, so why is he still enchanted? So is this before or after he wakes up lost?  NISHA, his ex-crush from college, arrives. When a trip to Goa is planned, Karan invites Chhaya along. During the journey, Harshit and Chhaya argue aggressively. Karan desperately Karan wants them to stop, but ends up stopping every person around him. What does it mean, he stops everyone? He collapses in pain, Why?and is revived by Dr. RUSTOM, Who is Dr. Rustom? A random doctor who sees Karan collapse? having no memory of the incident. Of what incident? The argument? The collapse?

After they arrive in Goa,I thought they were already in Goa, that they were journeying around in Goa. Harshit’s attempts to keep Karan away from Chhaya strengthen Karan's feelings instead. Typical. :-) Karan unintentionally stops and revives Harshit, Revives him? Harshit was unconscious? who then asks Karan to not think about anything strongly. A confused Karan agrees.

Later on, on a their date, Chhaya discloses that all the creatures in human mythology are actually extra-terrestrial races at war, and her race is type are called the Angels. She reveals that a great evil is threatening the galaxy, just as Ravan did in the Ramayan. I don't know this story. She adds that after the events of Ramayan, eight lineages of Possessors have carried the eight Siddhis of Hanuman in their genes. This needs more explanation. To Karan's shock, she reveals that his genes have the Vasitva Siddhi, which enable telepathic control. She requests him to help assimilate the other Possessors to defeat the great evil in the impending civil war. This paragraph contains too much information. I'm afraid I'm very unclear. You need to present this information more clearly.

Karan is heartbroken that Chaya was just using him, and he In dismay and disbelief, a heart-broken Karan goes to Harshit for guidance, but Harshit reveals that he himself is also part of the plot: he is part of a lineage called the Protectors. The Protectors are responsible for maintaining the security and succession of the genes with the Siddhis. Believing that Harshit was never his true friend, Karan abandons him comma too. A conflict brews within him between forgiving and condemning Harshit and Chhaya. Forgiving them would mean ignoring his true feelings and accepting his destiny. But condemning them would lead to a galactic apocalypse.

KARAN reluctantly decides to discuss things with Harshit and Chhaya. However, he is eventually convinced that they do not appreciate his feelings, and only want him for his powers and genes. He decides to give up on everyone. Then he learns that Then, a dying Nisha informs them that Dr. Rustom has injured her. They discover that Rustom is holding many civilians lives hostage. Karan is enraged that When Rustom hurts Chhaya for trying to stop him, and he Karan is enraged and kills him using his powers.

The final journal entry hails Rustom as a martyr What? You need to clarify the journal thing, with more than the cryptic sentence at the beginning. in the mission to assimilate the Possessors, and warns Chhaya for her interference.

Nisha's death brings home for Karan the thought of the losses in the war. He agrees to join the search for other Possessors. As he activates the beacon to confirm Earth’s participation, he collapses again. This is the end? He collapses?

 

Hi Punitrastogi. I'm afraid I'm very unclear on the details of your story. I made some comments in the body of the synopsis. I would focus on really clarifying the sequence of events and also the gallactic history, the journal, and who is Dr. Rustrom? His character is never defined. I think the world in your story is very complex, which makes it hard to make clear in a synopsis, but you have to try. You can make your synopsis longer, still. Can you please look at my synopsis when you get a chance? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...lling-literary/






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