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The Last Jewish Princess - Synopsis (I'll return critique)

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#21 SRPasternack


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Posted 23 February 2017 - 02:46 PM

Thanks!  :smile:


I tried to fix what you noticed as much as I could, so here's a slightly different version:



When BERNICE's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious CALIGULA (awww lil boots) replace the oligarchs' puppet emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice runs into her childhood friend ALEXANDER, now an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love. (I stopped here and wondered if you were going to keep Caligula as a good guy. Because he was a crazypants a-hole. But then...)


The serenity doesn't last for long, however, as the oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity. (...I'm glad you've got Caligula being turned crazy!) They funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When they murder Caligula, Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential, so when Officer Alexander proposes marriage to Bernice, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Deeply pained, Alexander goes away with a resolve to move on. (awww poor Alex)


When the rebels' army is ready, Bernice's father announces the independence, but is poisoned to death during the ceremony. The grieving Queen Bernice decides to continue her revolt against the oligarchs. As her people kill thousands of legionaries, Rome dispatches TITUS FLAVIUS  with a mighty army to suppress the insurrection. 


Bernice invites the enemy commander for negotiations. She finds him surprisingly attentive to her dream of equality, and they fall in love. (They fall in love, or she falls in love with him? Because later he slaughters her people, which isn't very loving.) Believing Titus's promise to oppose the oligarchs, Bernice helps him become the emperor, and accepts his proposal of marriage. The fanatics among the rebels, considering Titus to be another puppet emperor, target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander, appointed as Titus's deputy, realizes that if Bernice will dies his life won't be worth living. Although she belongs to another, he decides to do whatever it takes to support her.


The oligarchs demand Titus to slaughter the rebels and plunder their money. Without Bernice knowing and despite Alexander's objection, Titus starves Jerusalem in a siege and butchers the famine survivors. Bernice finds out about the massacre, and her love for her fiancĂ© turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him, but Alexander blocks her to avoid an additional bloodbath.


Bernice figures that her only way to change the abusive Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She makes a plan with Alexander, and he's appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard. Bernice informs the ambitious lowborn DOMITIAN that he would be safe if he would try his luck, for Alexander would turn a blind eye on to him. Domitian assassinates Titus, and becomes emperor in his place. (I missed up there where Titus was the Emperor. It says he's the commander of the army.) Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.


As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. In the future, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.


With her life's mission accomplished, Bernice returns to her palace with Alexander, and they live happily ever after.


Small adjustments inline. I like it a lot! Sounds interesting. :)

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