Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

The Last Jewish Princess - Synopsis


  • Please log in to reply
21 replies to this topic

#1 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 262 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 16 February 2017 - 05:25 AM

The new version is on #11: http://agentquerycon...tique/?p=334875

 

 

Here's my first draft.

Is it too long?

What do you think about it? 

 

BERNICE is the black sheep of the Royal Herodian family, for defying the powerful senators controlling Rome. When the senators force Bernice's father AGRIPPA into debt, the Herodians repudiate him, and he tries to kill himself. After Bernice talks him out of it, she vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy.

 

Bernice and Agrippa help the rebellious Caligula become emperor and revive the republic's elections. In return, Caligula appoints Agrippa as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice meets her childhood friend ALEXANDER, an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

The oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity, and funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. Their greediness also demands huge deforestation that turns Europe's area into swamps and the Middle-East and North-Africa into deserts. Their money is used for wine-baths, hand-weaved silk from china, and paying the professional army oppressing the empire. When they murder Caligula, Bernice and Agrippa secretly start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire.

 

Alexander comes to Bernice and proposes, but as a rebel she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Alexander, deeply pained by her unexpected rejection, is resolute to move on and keep her out of his life.

 

King Agrippa's forces are ready, and he invites the alliance's dignitaries to the Caesarea amphitheater, to announce the independence. The wine he drinks for a toast is poisoned, and he dies. The grieving Queen Bernice has to choose whether to keep her fight for her people, or to abandon her struggle and attempt to live with her beloved Alexander. She tries to talk with Alexander, but he refuses to speak with her.

 

With the support of the revolutionary Mary Magdalene, who is motivated by the crucifixion of Jesus for rising up against the bankers, Bernice decides to continue the struggle of her life. Her rebelling people burn the debts' archive, liberate slaves, and kill thousands of Roman soldiers. Rome, afraid of the insurrection, dispatches VESPASIAN FLAVIUS with a mighty army to crush it. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander to negotiations, and Vespasian arrives with his son and deputy, Titus. Bernice is surprised to find the young officer attentive to her dream of equality. While wrangling over Rome's oppression, they recognize the revolutionaries within one another, and unwittingly fall in love. Berenice helps Vespasian become the emperor, believing his promise to oppose the oligarchs. Titus proposes to her, and she accepts.

 

As the relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels target the queen as a traitor, and try to kill her. Alexander hears about the danger Bernice was in, realizes he can't live without her, and decides to do whatever it takes to gain her love again.

 

The oligarchs demand Vespasian to slaughter the rebels and plunder the casualties' money. Vespasian, acting in accordance with his culture and not with his low-class origin, appoints Titus to suppress the rebellion. Alexander is assigned as his deputy. On Passover festival, as millions of Israeli men, women and children gather in Jerusalem, Titus sieges the holy capital. He famishes the metropolis, causing myriads of corpses to pile in the valleys beneath the city's walls. Eventually he breaks into the capital, burns the city, and massacres all the survivors, flowing rivers of blood over the streets. Then he invites Bernice to join him.

 

Bernice travels to Jerusalem through smoky country, sees the blood-drenched city, grasps her fiancé's cruelty, and her love turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him then and there, but Alexander blocks her, claiming that murdering the emperor's heir would only bring to an additional bloodbath. They join Titus on his way to Rome, where Alexander is appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard.

 

Bernice figures her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfish conduct against them. With Alexander's help she enables the assassinations of Vespasian and Titus, and crowns the assassin, Domitian. The lowborn Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. Later on, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

Bernice realizes that the Romans' cruelty stems from their belief in 'man is wolf to man', and that Jesus created his contradicting path of 'love your fellow as yourself' against this belief. She saves the lives of Mary Magdalene, Paul and John the Apostle, so their congregations will spread throughout the empire to become, someday, the dominant belief.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, Bernice returns with Alexander to her palace near the Sea of Galilee, and they live happily ever after.



#2 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 16 February 2017 - 07:15 AM

Here's my first draft. What do you think?  :huh:

 

 

BERNICE is considered? the black sheep of the Royal Herodian family, for defying the powerful senators that controlling Rome (by doing what?). When the senators force Bernice's father AGRIPPA into debt, the Herodians repudiate him, and he tries to kill himself. After Bernice talks him out of it, she vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy.

 

Bernice and Agrippa help the rebellious Caligula (Who is he? 'he' because you wrote 'emperor' not 'empress') become emperor and revive the republic's elections. In return, Caligula appoints Agrippa as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom, (comma) Princess Bernice meets her childhood friend ALEXANDER, an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

Meanwhile, The oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity, and funnel the money of the empire's people treasury to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. Their greediness also demands huge deforestation that turns large areas of Europe's area into swamps, and the Middle-East and North-Africa into deserts. Their money is used for wine-baths, hand-weavedwoven silk from China, and paying the professional army oppressing the empire. When they murder Caligula, Bernice and Agrippa secretly start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire.

 

Alexander comes to Bernice and proposes (marriage or military alliance?), but as a rebel she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Alexander, deeply pained by her unexpected rejection, is resolute to move on and keep her out of his life.

 

King Agrippa's forces are ready, and he invites the alliance's (when did he form the alliance?) dignitaries to the Caesarea amphitheater, to announce the independence. The wine he drinks for a toast is poisoned, and he dies. The grieving Queen Bernice has to choose whether to keep (continue) her fight for her people, or to abandon her struggle and attempt to live with her beloved Alexander. She tries to talk with (to?)Alexander, but he refuses to speak with her.

 

With the support of the revolutionary Mary Magdalene, who is motivated by the crucifixion of Jesus for rising up against the bankers, Bernice decides to continue the (rebellion?)struggle of her life. Her rebelling people(rebels?) burn the debts' archive, liberate slaves, and kill thousands of Roman soldiers. Rome, afraid of the insurrection, dispatches VESPASIAN FLAVIUS with a mighty army to crush it. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander to negotiations, and Vespasian arrives with his son and deputy, Titus. Bernice is surprised to find the young officer attentive to (coinciding with?) her dream of equality. While wrangling over Rome's oppression, they recognize the revolutionaries within one another, and unwittingly fall in love. Berenice helps Vespasian become the emperor (Did Vespasian change sides? If not, should it be "Berenice declares Vespasian as the emperor"), believing in his promise to oppose the oligarchs. Titus proposes to her, and she accepts.

 

As the relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels target the queen as a traitor, and try to kill her. Alexander hears about the danger Bernice was (is) in, realizes he can't live without her, and decides to do whatever it takes to gain her love again.

 

The oligarchs demand Vespasian to slaughter the rebels (If Vespasian was with Berenice, why is the rebellion still there?) and plunder the casualties' money. Vespasian, acting in accordance with his culture and not with his low-class origin, appoints Titus to suppress the rebellion. Alexander is assigned as his deputy. (When did Alexander join the emperor?) On Passover festival, as millions of Israeli men, women and children gather in Jerusalem, Titus sieges the holy capital. He famishes the metropolis, causing myriads of corpses to pile in the valleys beneath the city's walls. Eventually he breaks into the capital, burns the city, and massacres all the survivors, flowing rivers of blood over the streets(This can be shortened). Then he invites Bernice to join him.

 

Bernice travels to Jerusalem through smoky country, sees the blood-drenched city, grasps her fiancé's cruelty, and her love turns into hatred at her fiancé's cruelty. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him then and there, but Alexander blocks her, claiming that murdering the emperor's heir would only bring to an additional bloodbath. They join Titus on his way to Rome, where Alexander is appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfish conduct against them. With Alexander's help she enables the assassinations of Vespasian and Titus, and crowns the assassin, Domitian. The lowborn Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. Later on, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

Bernice realizes that the Romans' cruelty stems from their belief in 'man is wolf to man', and that Jesus created his contradicting path of 'love your fellow as yourself' against this belief. She saves the lives of Mary Magdalene, Paul and John the Apostle, so their congregations will spread throughout the empire to become, someday, the dominant belief.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, Bernice returns with Alexander to her palace near the Sea of Galilee, and they live happily ever after.

 

I hope I was not too critical of the text.

Although Historical fiction is not my favorite genre, I really found this as an interesting read with good character sketches.

 

Hope I could be of some help.

Good Luck!



#3 KitCampbell

KitCampbell

    Occasionally considering octopus husbandry

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 189 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:Three novels published through Turtleduck Press, short stories all over the place. Readying to dip my toes back into the agent search pool.

Posted 16 February 2017 - 01:53 PM

Hello!

Here's my first draft. What do you think?  :huh:

 

 

BERNICE is the black sheep of the Royal Herodian family, (not sure the comma is needed) for defying the powerful senators controlling Rome. When the senators force Bernice's father AGRIPPA into debt, the Herodians repudiate him, and he tries to kill himself. After Bernice talks him out of it, she vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. (Good intro.)

 

Bernice and Agrippa help the rebellious Caligula become emperor and revive the republic's elections. In return, Caligula appoints Agrippa as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice meets her childhood friend ALEXANDER, an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

The oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity, and funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. (those jerks!) Their greediness also demands huge deforestation that turns Europe's area (I'm not sure what this means. The European part of the empire?) into swamps and the Middle-East and North-Africa into deserts. Their money is used for wine-baths, hand-weaved silk from china, and paying the professional army oppressing the empire. When they murder Caligula, Bernice and Agrippa secretly start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire.

 

Alexander comes to Bernice and proposes, but as a rebel she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Alexander, deeply pained by her unexpected rejection, is resolute to move on and keep her out of his life.

 

King Agrippa's forces are ready, and he invites the alliance's dignitaries to the Caesarea amphitheater, to announce the independence. The wine he drinks for a toast is poisoned, and he dies. The grieving Queen Bernice has to choose whether to keep her fight for her people, or to abandon her struggle and attempt to live with her beloved Alexander. She tries to talk with Alexander, but he refuses to speak with her.

 

With the support of the revolutionary Mary Magdalene, who is motivated by the crucifixion of Jesus for rising up against the bankers, Bernice decides to continue the struggle of her life (this terminology makes it sound more like she's got a fatal illness--you might consider rewording). Her rebelling people burn the debts' archive, liberate slaves, and kill thousands of Roman soldiers. Rome, afraid of the insurrection, dispatches VESPASIAN FLAVIUS with a mighty army to crush it. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander to negotiations, and Vespasian arrives with his son and deputy, Titus. Bernice is surprised to find the young officer attentive to her dream of equality. While wrangling over Rome's oppression, they recognize the revolutionaries within one another, and unwittingly fall in love. Berenice (Bernice) helps Vespasian become the emperor, believing his promise to oppose the oligarchs. Titus proposes to her, and she accepts.

 

As the relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels target the queen as a traitor, and try to kill her. Alexander hears about the danger Bernice was (is) in, realizes he can't live without her, and decides to do whatever it takes to gain her love again.

 

The oligarchs demand Vespasian to slaughter the rebels and plunder the casualties' money. Vespasian, acting in accordance with his culture and not with his low-class origin, appoints Titus to suppress the rebellion. Alexander is assigned as his deputy. On Passover festival, as millions of Israeli men, women and children gather in Jerusalem, Titus sieges the holy capital. He famishes (not sure you can use this as a synonym of "starved") the metropolis, causing myriads of corpses to pile in the valleys beneath the city's walls. Eventually he breaks into the capital, burns the city, and massacres all the survivors, flowing rivers of blood over the streets. Then he invites Bernice to join him.

 

Bernice travels to Jerusalem through smoky country, sees the blood-drenched city, grasps her fiancé's cruelty, and her love turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him then and there, but Alexander blocks her, claiming that murdering the emperor's heir would only bring to an additional bloodbath. They join Titus on his way to Rome, where Alexander is appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard.

 

Bernice figures her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfish conduct against them. With Alexander's help she enables the assassinations of Vespasian and Titus, and crowns the assassin, Domitian. The lowborn Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. Later on, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

Bernice realizes that the Romans' cruelty stems from their belief in 'man is wolf to man', and that Jesus created his contradicting path of 'love your fellow as yourself' against this belief. She saves the lives of Mary Magdalene, Paul and John the Apostle, so their congregations will spread throughout the empire to become, someday, the dominant belief.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, Bernice returns with Alexander to her palace near the Sea of Galilee, and they live happily ever after.

Nice! It's interesting to see the whole story versus what I saw in the query.



#4 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 262 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 20 February 2017 - 06:43 AM

Thanks punitrastogi and KitCampbell!

 

Here's my new this version. What do you think about it?  :huh:

 

 

When BERNICE's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious Caligula become emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice meets her childhood friend ALEXANDER, an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

The serenity doesn't last for long. The degraded oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity, and funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When the oligarchs murder Caligula, Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential to their success, so when Officer Alexander comes to Bernice and proposes marriage, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to her beloved. Alexander, deeply pained by her unexpected rejection, goes away resolute to move on and keep her out of his life.

 

Secrecy is no longer needed when the rebelling army is ready, and Bernice's father announces the independence. Yet, the wine he drinks for a toast is poisoned, and he dies in agony. The grieving Queen Bernice has to choose whether to continue her fight against the oligarchs, or to abandon her struggle and attempt to live with her loved Alexander. She tries to discuss this with Alexander, but he refuses to speak with her.

 

All alone, Bernice gets support from an unanticipated source. The revolutionary Mary Magdalene, inspired by Jesus' rising up against the Romans, helps Bernice decide to continue her fight for her abused people. Bernice's rebelling people burn the debts' archive, liberate slaves, and kill thousands of Roman soldiers. In response, Rome dispatches VESPASIAN FLAVIUS with a mighty army to crush the insurrection. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander to negotiations, and Vespasian arrives with his son and deputy, Titus. Bernice is surprised to find the young commander attentive to her dream of equality. While wrangling over Rome's oppression, they recognize the revolutionaries within one another, and unwittingly fall in love. Bernice helps Vespasian become emperor, believing in his promise to oppose the oligarchs. When Titus proposes to her, she accepts.

 

As the relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander hears about the danger Bernice is in, realizes he can't live without her, and decides to do whatever it takes to gain her love again.

 

The oligarchs demand Vespasian to slay the rebels and pillage their money. Vespasian, acting according to his culture, appoints Titus to butcher and plunder the rebels, and assigns Alexander as his deputy. On Passover festival, while millions of men, women and children gather in Jerusalem, Titus sieges the metropolis. Despite Alexander's efforts, Titus famishes the city, breaks into it, and slaughters the masses. Then he invites Bernice to join him.

 

Bernice arrives at the scene of the massacre and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him on the spot, but Alexander blocks her, claiming that murdering the emperor's heir would only bring to an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She and Alexander join Titus on his way to Rome, where Alexander is appointed as Commander of the Emperor's Guard. With Alexander turning a blind eye, and Bernice relating this fact, Titus assassinates his father Vespasian to become emperor in his place, and is then assassinated by the lowborn Domitian. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. Later on, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

Bernice realizes that the Romans' cruelty stems from their belief in 'man is wolf to man', and that Jesus created his contradicting path of 'love your fellow as yourself' against this belief. She saves the lives of Mary Magdalene, Paul and John the Apostle, so their congregations will spread throughout the empire to become, someday, the dominant belief.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, and her adored lover at her side, Bernice and Alexander return to her palace, and live happily ever after.



#5 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 20 February 2017 - 09:35 AM

Hey Dragoness,

 

Please find my comments below:

 

Thanks punitrastogi and KitCampbell!

 

Here's my new this version. What do you think about it?  :huh:

 

 

When BERNICE's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive and corrupt oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious Caligula become emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice meets her childhood friend ALEXANDER, now an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

Unfortunately, The serenity doesn't last for long. The degraded oligarchs resume their corrput practices by poisoning Caligula to insanity, eventually killing him. (Tried to tighten the text.) and funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved  When the oligarchs murder Caligula, Bernice and her father then start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential to their success,.(Period) sSo when Officer Alexander comes to Bernice and proposes marriage, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to her beloved. Alexander, dDeeply pained by her unexpected rejection, Alexander goes away with a resolve resolute to move on and keep her out of his life.

 

Secrecy is no longer needed when On the eve of the rebellion the rebelling army is ready, and Bernice's father is murdered announces the independence. Yet, the wine he drinks for a toast is poisoned, and he dies in agony. The grieving Queen Bernice has to choose whether to continue her fight against the oligarchs, or to abandon her struggle and attempt to live with her beloved Alexander. She tries to discuss this with Alexander, but he refuses to speak with her.

 

All alone, Bernice gets support from an unanticipated source. The revolutionary Mary Magdalene, inspired by Jesus' uprising up against the Romans, helps motivates Bernice decide to continue her fight for her abused people. Bernice's rebelling people gains momentum and partial victories. (Again, tried to shorten and tighten it with fewer detailss) burn the debts' archive, liberate slaves, and kill thousands of Roman soldiers. In response, Rome dispatches VESPASIAN FLAVIUS with a mighty army to crush the insurrection. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander to for negotiations, and Vespasian arrives with his son and deputy, Titus. Bernice is surprised to find the young commander attentive to her dream of equality. While wrangling over Rome's oppression, they recognize the revolutionaries within one another, and unwittingly fall in love. Bernice helps Vespasian become emperor, believing in his promise to oppose the oligarchs. When Titus proposes to her, she accepts.

(Again, Vespasian's loyalties are not clear. And what does he become the emperor of? And why do the rebels announce her as traitor?)

As the relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander hears about the danger Bernice is in, realizes he can't live without her, and decides to do whatever it takes to gain her love again. (I suggest you rephrasse this sentence to make the reader feel for Alexander. The woman he loves is promised to someone else, but he still wants to help/save/get her)

 

The oligarchs demand Vespasian to slay the rebels and pillage their money. Vespasian, acting according to his culture (Not sure what this means), appoints Titus to butcher and plunder the rebels, and assigns Alexander as his deputy (Again, I am not sure when did Alexander join Titus). On Passover festival, while millions of men, women and children gather in Jerusalem, Titus sieges the metropolis. Despite Alexander's efforts, Titus famishes the city, breaks into it, and slaughters the masses. Then he invites Bernice to join him. (The last few sentences need a bit more tightening)

 

Bernice arrives at the scene of the massacre and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus She tries to assassinate him Titus during their meetingon the spot, but Alexander blocks her, claiming that murdering the emperor's heir would only enlarge the bring to an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She and Alexander join Titus on his way to Rome, where Alexander is appointed as Commander of the Emperor's Guard. With Alexander turning a blind eye, and Bernice relating this fact (What fact?), Titus assassinates his father Vespasian to become emperor in his place, and is then assassinated by the lowborn Domitian. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the future oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. Later on, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

Bernice realizes that the Romans' cruelty stems from their belief in 'man is wolf to man', and that Jesus created his contradicting path of 'love your fellow as yourself' against this belief (Not required here.) She saves the lives of Mary Magdalene, Paul and John the Apostle (since they are not introduced earlier, I would recommend not naming them), so their congregations will spread throughout the empire to become, someday, the dominant belief.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, and her adored lover at her side, Bernice and Alexander returns to her palace with Alexander, and they live happily ever after.

 

I apologise if the review seems too harsh. 

I guess you need to tighten and shorten the synopsis a lot to make it crisper.

It currently seems a lot like a narration than a fast-paced political drama.

 

I really like your story.

So if you can sharpen it further, it would be an amazing read.

 

Hope I could be of some help. :)



#6 Nonicks

Nonicks

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 260 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 20 February 2017 - 10:15 AM

Thanks punitrastogi and KitCampbell!

 

Here's my new this version. What do you think about it?  :huh:

 

 

When BERNICE's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious Caligula become emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice meets her childhood friend ALEXANDER, an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

The serenity doesn't last for long. The degraded oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity, and funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When the oligarchs murder Caligula, Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential to their success, so when Officer Alexander comes to Bernice and proposes marriage, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to her beloved. Alexander, deeply pained by her unexpected rejection, goes away resolute to move on and keep her out of his life.

 

Secrecy is no longer needed when the rebelling army is ready, and Bernice's father announces the independence. Yet, the wine he drinks for a toast is poisoned, and he dies in agony. The grieving Queen Bernice has to choose whether to continue her fight against the oligarchs, or to abandon her struggle and attempt to live with her loved Alexander. She tries to discuss this with Alexander, but he refuses to speak with her.

 

All alone, Bernice gets support from an unanticipated source. The revolutionary Mary Magdalene, inspired by Jesus' rising up against the Romans, helps Bernice decide to continue her fight for her abused people. Bernice's rebelling people burn the debts' archive, liberate slaves, and kill thousands of Roman soldiers. In response, Rome dispatches VESPASIAN FLAVIUS with a mighty army to crush the insurrection. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander to negotiations, and Vespasian arrives with his son and deputy, Titus. Bernice is surprised to find the young commander attentive to her dream of equality. While wrangling over Rome's oppression, they recognize the revolutionaries within one another, and unwittingly fall in love. Bernice helps Vespasian become emperor, believing in his promise to oppose the oligarchs. When Titus proposes to her, she accepts.

 

As the relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander hears about the danger Bernice is in, realizes he can't live without her, and decides to do whatever it takes to gain her love again.

 

The oligarchs demand Vespasian to slay the rebels and pillage their money. Vespasian, acting according to his culture, appoints Titus to butcher and plunder the rebels, and assigns Alexander as his deputy. On Passover festival, while millions of men, women and children gather in Jerusalem, Titus sieges the metropolis. Despite Alexander's efforts, Titus famishes the city, breaks into it, and slaughters the masses. Then he invites Bernice to join him.

 

Bernice arrives at the scene of the massacre and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him on the spot, but Alexander blocks her, claiming that murdering the emperor's heir would only bring to an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She and Alexander join Titus on his way to Rome, where Alexander is appointed as Commander of the Emperor's Guard. With Alexander turning a blind eye, and Bernice relating this fact, Titus assassinates his father Vespasian to become emperor in his place, and is then assassinated by the lowborn Domitian. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. Later on, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

Bernice realizes that the Romans' cruelty stems from their belief in 'man is wolf to man', and that Jesus created his contradicting path of 'love your fellow as yourself' against this belief. She saves the lives of Mary Magdalene, Paul and John the Apostle, so their congregations will spread throughout the empire to become, someday, the dominant belief.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, and her adored lover at her side, Bernice and Alexander return to her palace, and live happily ever after.

 

Sorry for the late response - 

take a look at this, it might help you. Then revise and post it again: link

(right now it's a mess. You don't need to write everything that happens in your novel, only the important moments)



#7 AutumnL

AutumnL

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Not published yet, but hoping to be one day!

Posted 20 February 2017 - 11:21 AM

Thanks punitrastogi and KitCampbell!

 

Here's my new this version. What do you think about it?  :huh:

 

 

When BERNICE's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious Caligula become emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice meets her childhood friend ALEXANDER, an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love. I think you do a fantastic job in this paragraph of covering a lot of ground with few words. It's extremely impressive!

 

The serenity doesn't last for long. The degraded oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity. They funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When the oligarchs murder Caligula, Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential to their success, so when Officer Alexander comes to Bernice and proposes marriage, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to her beloved. Alexander, deeply pained by her unexpected rejection, goes away resolute to move on and keep her out of his life.

 

Secrecy is no longer needed when the rebelling army is ready, and Bernice's father announces the independence. Yet, the wine he drinks for a toast is poisoned, and he dies in agony. The grieving Queen Bernice (I like how you introduce her as Queen here) has to choose whether to continue her fight against the oligarchs, or to abandon her struggle and attempt to live with her beloved Alexander. who still refuses to speak to her. She tries to discuss this with Alexander, but he refuses to speak with her.

 

All alone (maybe change this, maybe to "At rock bottom"), Bernice gets support from an unanticipated unexpected source. The revolutionary Mary Magdalene, inspired by Jesus' rising up against the Romans, helps Bernice decide to continue her fight for her abused people. Bernice's rebelling people allies burn the debts' archive, liberate slaves, and kill thousands of Roman soldiers. In response, Rome dispatches VESPASIAN FLAVIUS with a mighty army to crush the insurrection. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander to negotiations, and Vespasian arrives with his son and deputy, Titus. Bernice is surprised to find the young commander attentive to her dream of equality. While wrangling over Rome's oppression, they recognize the revolutionaries within one another, and unwittingly fall in love. Bernice helps Vespasian become emperor, believing in his promise to oppose the oligarchs. When Titus proposes to her, she accepts.

 

As the relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander hears about the danger Bernice is in, realizes he can't live without her, and decides to do whatever it takes to gain her love again.

 

The oligarchs demand Vespasian to slay the rebels and pillage their money. Vespasian, acting according to his culture, appoints Titus to butcher and plunder the rebels, and assigns Alexander as his deputy. On Passover festival, while millions of men, women and children gather in Jerusalem, Titus sieges the metropolis. Despite Alexander's efforts, Titus famishes the city, breaks into it, and slaughters the masses. He then invites Bernice to join him.

 

Bernice arrives at the scene of the massacre and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him on the spot. Alexander blocks her though, claiming that murdering the emperor's heir would only bring to an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She and Alexander join Titus on his way to Rome, where Alexander is appointed as Commander of the Emperor's Guard. With Alexander turning a blind eye, and Bernice relating this fact, Titus assassinates his father Vespasian to become emperor in his place, and is then assassinated by the lowborn Domitian. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. Later on, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

Bernice realizes that the Romans' cruelty stems from their belief in 'man is wolf to man', and that Jesus created his contradicting path of 'love your fellow as yourself' against this belief. Because she saves the lives of Mary Magdalene, Paul and John the Apostle, so their congregations will spread throughout the empire to become, someday, the dominant belief.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, and her adored lover at her side, Bernice and Alexander return to her palace, and live happily ever after.

Wow, what a story! Honestly, it sounds incredible! It's so indepth and I already want to get to know the characters! The synopsis makes a lot of sense, however I think it may contain a few too many details (I know, the hardest part is cutting down the details). I can't really help too much with what parts you should leave out, since you know the story better than anyone :) But keep up the great work! 



#8 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 262 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 21 February 2017 - 08:34 AM

Thank you all!

 

I've tightened the synopsis (using the link you suggested, Nonicks).

 

Here is the shortened version. What do you think?  :unsure:

 

 

When Bernice's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious Caligula replace the oligarchs' puppet emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice meets her childhood friend Alexander, now an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

The serenity doesn't last for long, however, as the oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity. They funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When they murder Caligula and appoint a new puppet emperor in his place, Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential, so when Officer Alexander proposes marriage to the rebelling Bernice, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Deeply pained, Alexander goes away with a resolve to move on.

 

When the rebels' army is ready, Bernice's father announces the independence, but is poisoned to death during the ceremony. The grieving Queen Bernice decides to continue her revolt against the oligarchs. As her people kill thousands of legionaries, Rome dispatches Titus Flavius with a mighty army to suppress the revolt. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander for negotiations. She finds him surprisingly attentive to her dream of equality, and they fall in love. Believing Titus's promise to oppose the oligarchs, Bernice helps him become the emperor. When Titus proposes to her, she accepts. After their relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander, appointed as Titus's deputy, realizes that if Bernice will die his life won't be worth living. Although she belongs to another, he decides to do whatever it takes to support her.

 

The oligarchs demand Titus to slaughter the rebels and plunder their money. Despite Alexander's efforts, Titus famishes Jerusalem in a siege, and massacres myriads of the survivors. Bernice sees the blood-drenched city and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him, but Alexander blocks her in order to avoid an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She makes a plan with Alexander, and he's appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard. Bernice informs the ambitious lowborn Domitian that if he would like to act, Alexander would turn a blind eye on him. Domitian assassinates Titus and becomes emperor in his place. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. In the future, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, Bernice returns with Alexander to her palace, and they live happily ever after.



#9 AutumnL

AutumnL

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Not published yet, but hoping to be one day!

Posted 21 February 2017 - 08:12 PM

Thank you all!

 

I've tightened the synopsis (using the link you suggested, Nonicks).

 

Here is the shortened version. What do you think?  :unsure:

 

 

When Bernice's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious Caligula replace the oligarchs' puppet emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward way of thanks, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice meets runs into her childhood friend Alexander, now an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

The serenity doesn't last for long, however, as when(?) the oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity. They funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When Then they murder Caligula and appoint a new puppet emperor in his place. Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential, so when Officer Alexander proposes marriage to the rebelling Bernice, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Deeply pained, Alexander goes away with a resolve to move on.

 

When the rebels' army is ready, Bernice's father announces their independence, but is poisoned to death during the ceremony. The grieving Queen Bernice decides to continue her revolt against the oligarchs. As her people kill thousands of legionaries, Rome dispatches Titus Flavius with a mighty army to suppress the revolt. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander for negotiations. She finds him surprisingly attentive to her dream of equality, and they fall in love. Believing Titus's promise to oppose the oligarchs, Bernice helps him become the emperor. When Titus proposes to her, she accepts. After their relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander, appointed as Titus's deputy, realizes that if Bernice will die his life won't be worth living. Although she belongs to another, he decides to do whatever it takes to support her.

 

The oligarchs demand Titus to slaughter the rebels and plunder their money. Despite Alexander's efforts, Titus famishes Jerusalem in a siege, and massacres myriads of the survivors. Bernice sees the blood-drenched city and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him, but Alexander blocks her in order to avoid an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She makes a plan with Alexander, and he's appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard. Bernice informs the ambitious lowborn Domitian that if he would like to act, Alexander would turn a blind eye on him. Domitian assassinates Titus and becomes emperor in his place. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs. (This is the only paragraph I had to reread a few times to understand, maybe a little rewording?)

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. In the future, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, Bernice returns with Alexander to her palace, and they live happily ever after.

 

You are doing GREAT!



#10 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 22 February 2017 - 01:02 AM

Great going Dragoness!

 

I really like this version.

 

My few comments are given below:

 

Thank you all!

 

I've tightened the synopsis (using the link you suggested, Nonicks).

 

Here is the shortened version. What do you think?  :unsure:

 

 

When Bernice's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious Caligula replace the oligarchs' puppet emperor and revive the republic's elections (the elections are not mentioned subsequently as a method of emperor's selection. Should they be mentioned here?). As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice meets her childhood friend Alexander, now an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

The serenity doesn't last for long, however, as the oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity. They funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When they murder Caligula and appoint a new puppet emperor in his place, Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential, so when Officer Alexander proposes marriage to the rebelling Bernice, she has to decline without explanations (Reworded for tightening) .can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Deeply pained, Alexander goes away with a resolve to move on.

 

When the rebels' army is ready, Bernice's father announces the independence, but is poisoned to death during the ceremony. The grieving Queen Bernice decides to continue her revolt against the oligarchs. As her people kill thousands of legionaries, Rome dispatches Titus Flavius with a mighty army to suppress the revolt. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander for negotiations. She finds his agreement m surprisingly attentive to her dream of equality quite attractive, and they fall in love. Believing Titus's promise to oppose the oligarchs, Bernice helps him become the emperor and accepts his proposal for marriage.. When Titus proposes to her, she accepts. After their relationship becomes known, the fanatics among the rebels who consider Titus to be oligarchy (giving the rebels a reason to hate their queen), target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander, appointed as Titus's deputy, realizes that if Bernice will die his life won't be worth living. Although she belongs to another, he decides to do whatever it takes to support her.

 

The oligarchs demand Titus to slaughter the rebels and plunder their money. Despite Alexander's efforts, Titus famishes Jerusalem in a siege, and massacres myriads of the survivors citizens(?). Bernice sees the blood-drenched city and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him, but Alexander blocks her in order to avoid an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She makes a plan with Alexander, and he's appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard. Bernice informs the ambitious lowborn Domitian that if he would like to act, Alexander would turn a blind eye on him. Domitian assassinates Titus and becomes emperor in his place. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall, followed by . In the future, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, Bernice returns with Alexander to her palace with Alexander, and they live happily ever after.

 

Good Luck :)



#11 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 262 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 22 February 2017 - 02:55 AM

Thanks!  :smile:

 

I tried to fix what you noticed as much as I could, so here's a slightly different version:

 

 

When BERNICE's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious CALIGULA replace the oligarchs' puppet emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice runs into her childhood friend ALEXANDER, now an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

The serenity doesn't last for long, however, as the oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity. They funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When they murder Caligula, Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential, so when Officer Alexander proposes marriage to Bernice, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Deeply pained, Alexander goes away with a resolve to move on.

 

When the rebels' army is ready, Bernice's father announces the independence, but is poisoned to death during the ceremony. The grieving Queen Bernice decides to continue her revolt against the oligarchs. As her people kill thousands of legionaries, Rome dispatches TITUS FLAVIUS  with a mighty army to suppress the insurrection. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander for negotiations. She finds him surprisingly attentive to her dream of equality, and they fall in love. Believing Titus's promise to oppose the oligarchs, Bernice helps him become the emperor, and accepts his proposal of marriage. The fanatics among the rebels, considering Titus to be another puppet emperor, target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander, appointed as Titus's deputy, realizes that if Bernice will die his life won't be worth living. Although she belongs to another, he decides to do whatever it takes to support her.

 

The oligarchs demand Titus to slaughter the rebels and plunder their money. Without Bernice knowing and despite Alexander's objection, Titus starves Jerusalem in a siege and butchers the famine survivors. Bernice finds out about the massacre, and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him, but Alexander blocks her to avoid an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She makes a plan with Alexander, and he's appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard. Bernice informs the ambitious lowborn DOMITIAN that he would be safe if he would try his luck, for Alexander would turn a blind eye on him. Domitian assassinates Titus, and becomes emperor in his place. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. In the future, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, Bernice returns to her palace with Alexander, and they live happily ever after.



#12 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 22 February 2017 - 03:02 AM

That seems great to me. :)

 

Let's see if others have some observations.

 

Best of luck :)



#13 KitCampbell

KitCampbell

    Occasionally considering octopus husbandry

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 189 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:Three novels published through Turtleduck Press, short stories all over the place. Readying to dip my toes back into the agent search pool.

Posted 22 February 2017 - 09:40 AM

Thanks!  :smile:

 

I tried to fix what you noticed as much as I could, so here's a slightly different version:

 

 

When Bernice's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious Caligula replace the oligarchs' puppet emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice runs into her childhood friend Alexander, now an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love.

 

The serenity doesn't last for long, however, as the oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity. They funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When they murder Caligula, Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential, so when Officer Alexander proposes marriage to Bernice, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Deeply pained, Alexander goes away with a resolve to move on.

 

When the rebels' army is ready, Bernice's father announces the independence, but is poisoned to death during the ceremony. The grieving Queen Bernice decides to continue her revolt against the oligarchs. As her people kill thousands of legionaries, Rome dispatches Titus Flavius with a mighty army to suppress the insurrection. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander for negotiations. She finds him surprisingly attentive to her dream of equality, and they fall in love. Believing Titus's promise to oppose the oligarchs, Bernice helps him become the emperor, and accepts his proposal of marriage. The fanatics among the rebels, considering Titus to be another puppet emperor, target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander, appointed as Titus's deputy, realizes that if Bernice will die his life won't be worth living. Although she belongs to another, he decides to do whatever it takes to support her.

 

The oligarchs demand Titus to slaughter the rebels and plunder their money. Without Bernice knowing and despite Alexander's objection, Titus starves Jerusalem in a siege and butchers the famine survivors. Bernice finds out about the massacre, and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him, but Alexander blocks her to avoid an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She makes a plan with Alexander, and he's appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard. Bernice informs the ambitious lowborn Domitian that he would be safe if he would try his luck, for Alexander would turn a blind eye on him. Domitian assassinates Titus, and becomes emperor in his place. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. In the future, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, Bernice returns to her palace with Alexander, and they live happily ever after.

It's looking pretty good to me too!



#14 AutumnL

AutumnL

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Not published yet, but hoping to be one day!

Posted 22 February 2017 - 03:01 PM

Amazing work, it flows very nicely and I can't see a single unnecessary detail. It certainly makes me want to dive right into the story!



#15 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 262 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 23 February 2017 - 01:25 AM

Thank you so much!  :smile:

 

Do you think there should be a log-line at the beginning?

 

What do you think about this log-line:

 

One woman against the abusive Roman Empire. To win, she must sacrifice everything, including her love.



#16 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 23 February 2017 - 02:28 AM

Too vague and cliched log-line for a very unique story :)

Thank you so much!  :smile:

 

Do you think there should be a log-line at the beginning?

 

What do you think about this log-line:

 

One woman against the abusive Roman Empire. To win, she must sacrifice everything, including her love.

 

 

How about this:

 

A woman's journey to avenge her father takes her through revolutions, sacrifices, betrayals, murder, and the collapse of the Roman empire.



#17 Nonicks

Nonicks

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 260 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 23 February 2017 - 02:59 AM

Thanks!  :smile:

 

I tried to fix what you noticed as much as I could, so here's a slightly different version:

 

One woman against the abusive Roman Empire. To win, she must sacrifice everything, including her love.

 

When Bernice's father tries to kill himself, pressed by inflating debt to the Roman senators, Bernice vows to overthrow the senators' abusive oligarchy. She and her father help the rebellious Caligula replace the oligarchs' puppet emperor and revive the republic's elections. As a reward, Caligula appoints her father as King of Israel. On the way to their kingdom Princess Bernice runs into her childhood friend Alexander, now an officer in the Roman army, and they fall in love. (according to your query, she is going to fall for Flavius, isn't she? In that case, why mention Alexander?)

 

The serenity doesn't last for long, however, as the oligarchs poison Caligula to insanity. They funnel the money of the empire's people to their own pockets, leaving the masses starved and enslaved. When they murder Caligula, Bernice and her father start spearheading a rebellion of the entire eastern empire. Secrecy is essential, so when Officer Alexander proposes marriage to Bernice, she can neither accept, nor explain her refusal to him. Deeply pained, Alexander goes away with a resolve to move on.

 

When the rebels' army is ready, Bernice's father announces the independence, but is poisoned to death during the ceremony. The grieving Queen Bernice decides to continue her revolt against the oligarchs. As her people kill thousands of legionaries, Rome dispatches Titus Flavius with a mighty army to suppress the insurrection. 

 

Bernice invites the enemy commander for negotiations. She finds him surprisingly attentive to her dream of equality, and they fall in love. Believing Titus's promise to oppose the oligarchs, Bernice helps him become the emperor, and accepts his proposal of marriage. The fanatics among the rebels, considering Titus to be another puppet emperor, target the queen as a traitor and try to kill her. Alexander, appointed as Titus's deputy, realizes that if Bernice will die his life won't be worth living. Although she belongs to another, he decides to do whatever it takes to support her.

 

The oligarchs demand Titus to slaughter the rebels and plunder their money. Without Bernice knowing and despite Alexander's objection, Titus starves Jerusalem in a siege and butchers the famine survivors. Bernice finds out about the massacre, and her love for her fiancé turns into hatred. When she meets Titus she tries to assassinate him, but Alexander blocks her to avoid an additional bloodbath.

 

Bernice figures that her only way to change the Roman abusive system is to use the Romans' selfishness against them. She makes a plan with Alexander (to do what? how is she going to use Romans' selfishness against them?) , and he's appointed as the commander of the Emperor's Guard. Bernice informs the ambitious lowborn Domitian that he would be safe if he would try his luck, for Alexander would turn a blind eye on him. Domitian assassinates Titus, and becomes emperor in his place. Emperor Domitian butchers the oligarchs.

 

As the government stops supporting the oligarchs at the expense of the people, their banks are the first to fall. In the future, their businesses, administration and army will fall as well, leaving the empire's people wealthier and freer.

 

With her life-mission accomplished, Bernice returns to her palace with Alexander, and they live happily ever after.

 

 

OK, this is good! My comments are that as far as I know, you must write in caps lock each new name. And you don't need a logline in a synopsis (never heard of it).



#18 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 262 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 23 February 2017 - 03:38 AM

Thanks Punitrstogi and Nonicks!

 

I thought the log-line might work for my query too, but after reading what you wrote I think I would leave it as it was.



#19 AutumnL

AutumnL

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Not published yet, but hoping to be one day!

Posted 23 February 2017 - 09:17 AM

I really like punitrastogi's log line! I think it really captures all the different, exciting elements of your story. 



#20 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 23 February 2017 - 09:59 AM

I really like punitrastogi's log line! I think it really captures all the different, exciting elements of your story. 

Thank you :smile:

 

Hope you check out my entries as well. :biggrin:






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users