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The Subjugator (Sci-fi/Fantasy/Mythology)


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#1 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 February 2017 - 06:04 AM

Updated versions at - http://agentquerycon...ss/#entry335236

 

Suggestions and feedback are most welcome though

------------------------

A reclusive banker’s almost perfect life gets rattled when he has to choose between living a lie and letting Gods perish



#2 EllieFirestone1

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Posted 18 February 2017 - 01:35 PM

You've got a good start, but I think your stakes are way too vague. Living a lie how? And are these "Gods" actual gods, or figurative ones? After reading the pitch, I should know at least what genre this story is, and right now I'm not sure if it's contemporary, fantasy, thriller, or what.

 

Keep going, though -- I like the idea of a reclusive banker who gets his world turned upside-down :biggrin:  (PS. Don't actually use the words "world turned upside-down" -- they're really cliche.)



#3 giffordmac

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Posted 18 February 2017 - 02:14 PM

I agree with EllieFirestone. I don't think you've given us enough information about the conflict and stakes. Unless it's for a twitter contest (where you can use more than one), I wouldn't skimp on the info.

 

Best of luck!


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

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#4 e.korley

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Posted 19 February 2017 - 08:52 AM

Definitely vague, but I don't think it's bad at all. It got my attention and I would love to see why the lawyer has this decision to make.

#5 punitrastogi

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 12:47 AM

Thank you all for your comments. :biggrin:

 

The hook is designed to be in less than 140 characters (A single tweet)

Below is the updated twitter hook:

 

A reclusive banker’s reality is rattled when Mythology becomes real and he has to choose between a manipulated life and a galactic civil war

 

 

 

A detailed hook would be

 

A reclusive banker’s seemingly perfect life is rattled when Mythology become real, Gods become aliens, and when he learns about his responsibility to save the galaxy from an impending civil war. Now he has to choose between living a deception, and letting billions die.

 



#6 punitrastogi

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 01:54 AM

Waiting for some comments :biggrin:

Thank you all for your comments. :biggrin:

The hook is designed to be in less than 140 characters (A single tweet)
Below is the updated twitter hook:

A reclusive banker’s reality is rattled when Mythology becomes real and he has to choose between a manipulated life and a galactic civil war



A detailed hook would be

A reclusive banker’s seemingly perfect life is rattled when Mythology become real, Gods become aliens, and when he learns about his responsibility to save the galaxy from an impending civil war. Now he has to choose between living a deception, and letting billions die.



#7 Cez

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 07:50 AM

Thank you all for your comments. :biggrin:

 

The hook is designed to be in less than 140 characters (A single tweet)

Below is the updated twitter hook:

 

A reclusive banker’s reality is rattled when Mythology becomes real and he has to choose between a manipulated life and a galactic civil war this is pretty good, there's nothing I would change, although I wish you could incorporate "gods becomes aliens" that's really catchy.

 

 

 

A detailed hook would be

 

A reclusive banker’s seemingly perfect life is rattled when Mythology become real, Gods become aliens Great!, and when he learns about his responsibility to save the galaxy from an impending civil war. Now he has to choose between living a deception this part doesn't work for me, because it feels like a simple choice, anyone should choose to save billions rather ran live a deception. I think you should add more detail. living deception is too vague. , and letting billions die.

I hope this helped.



#8 punitrastogi

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 09:58 AM

Thanks Cez.

2 points to your reply:

1. Should I change "Mythology becomes real" to "Gods become aliens"?

2. Saving billions needs Karan to live in a deception. I still agree that the dilemma needs more emphasis and drama.

#9 Cez

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 10:43 AM

Thanks Cez.

2 points to your reply:

1. Should I change "Mythology becomes real" to "Gods become aliens"? No, the first one makes more sense, it's just a pity you don't have room for gods-aliens, because it sounds so nice.

2. Saving billions needs Karan to live in a deception. I still agree that the dilemma needs more emphasis and drama. Well I'd like to see your next version. Here's a site that really helped me if you're interested: http://www.lizzychar.../35-word-pitch/



#10 punitrastogi

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 01:59 PM

This is what I could come up with within 35 words:

A reclusive banker’s perfect life is rattled when Mythology becomes real, and Gods become aliens. When he discovers his connections to a demi-god, he must choose between his conscience and a galactic apocalypse.




Comments are welcome and appreciated.

#11 Cez

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 11:07 PM

This is what I could come up with within 35 words:

A reclusive banker’s perfect life is rattled when Mythology becomes real, and Gods become aliens. When he discovers his connections to a demi-god, he must choose between his conscience and a galactic apocalypse.

 

Big improvement! I just wonder if there is a way to make 'conscience' clearer. What does he have to do against his conscience?




Comments are welcome and appreciated.



#12 SRPasternack

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 12:51 PM

A reclusive banker’s perfect life is rattled when Mythology becomes real, and Gods become aliens. When he discovers his connections to a demi-god, he must choose between his conscience and a galactic apocalypse.
 

 

A reclusive banker's perfect life is destroyed when ancient mythology becomes modern reality. When he discovers his connections to a demigod, he must overcome his [insert character flaw here] to prevent a galactic apocalypse. (30 words)

 

I omitted mention of gods being aliens, partly because it's not a new twist, and also because it lends nothing to the pizzaz of the hook.

 

I don't know his character well enough to present a good flaw for him to overcome. From your synopsis/query/etc, I got that one of his big conflicts is whether to trust Harshit again. So maybe you could say he has to overcome his best friend's betrayal or something like that. Although that sounds like small potatoes up next to a galactic apocalypse. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

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#13 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 02:02 PM

You sir, should write satire.

 

Funny and to the point at the same time.  :cool:  :cool:  :cool:

A reclusive banker's perfect life is destroyed when ancient mythology becomes modern reality. When he discovers his connections to a demigod, he must overcome his [insert character flaw here] to prevent a galactic apocalypse. (30 words)

 

I omitted mention of gods being aliens, partly because it's not a new twist, and also because it lends nothing to the pizzaz of the hook.

 

I don't know his character well enough to present a good flaw for him to overcome. From your synopsis/query/etc, I got that one of his big conflicts is whether to trust Harshit again. So maybe you could say he has to overcome his best friend's betrayal or something like that. Although that sounds like small potatoes up next to a galactic apocalypse. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

The updated version is:

 

A reclusive banker's perfect life is destroyed when ancient mythology becomes modern reality. When his [relationships or truth] turn out to be manipulated, he must overcome his dolor to prevent a galactic apocalypse. (31 words)



#14 punitrastogi

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 06:27 AM

Updated versions:

 

Twitter Hook: A reclusive banker’s reality is rattled when Mythology becomes real and he has to choose between a manipulated life and a galactic civil war

 

 

35 word pitch: A reclusive banker’s very existence is rattled when he learns about his connections to a demigod. With his life revealed to be a manipulated reality, he must overcome his denial and stop a galactic apocalypse.



#15 CM_Fick

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 04:20 PM

Updated versions:

 

Twitter Hook: A reclusive banker’s reality is rattled when Mythology becomes real and he has to choose between a manipulated life (this reads strange to me. Perhaps contrived would be a better word, since your'e referring to the intervention and design of others) and a galactic civil war other than that one word quibble, this is good imo. 

 

 

35 word pitch: A reclusive banker’s very existence is rattled when he learns about his connections to a demigod.  I'm not sure how I feel about this last bit. it throws the flow of the sentence off for me. With his life revealed to be a manipulated (again contrived would work better here imo.) reality, he must overcome his denial and stop a galactic apocalypse. (this last bit feels vague. I understand this frustration when you're trying to be concise, but overcome his denial doesn't seem like much compared to a galactic apocalypse.)

 

Having critiqued your query, I know what's supposed to be happening here - at least to the extent of what you've covered in the query.

 

hopefully this will help. I've updated my hook as well. If you have a moment to review, it would be greatly appreciated. 



#16 BoJo Johnson

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Posted 11 August 2017 - 10:41 PM

I wish I could help more on this. It sounds like a strange combination of the Matrix and Thor. 
 

But as far as making it more concise is concerned, I remember hearing somewhere that the word very is almost pointless. It can either be eliminated or replaced to make a better sentence. In your case I think eliminating might be better, and I would consider switching the about to of.

 

I do like where it is going though, and it is better than the first drafts. Thanks for your help on my hook, if you get time let me know what you think of my latest attempt (don't know how to add that at the bottom like you did in blue) 



#17 Niambi

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 12:59 AM

Updated versions:

 

Twitter Hook: A reclusive banker’s reality is rattled when Mythology becomes real and he has to choose between a manipulated life and a galactic civil war

 

 

35 word pitch: A reclusive banker’s very existence is rattled when he learns about his connections to a demigod. With his life revealed to be a manipulated reality, he must overcome his denial and stop a galactic apocalypse.

 

Very nice!  I'd trim this down a bit to: 

 

A reclusive banker learns about his connections to a demigod and must overcome his denial to stop a galactic apocalypse.

 

I cut out the other words because they are superfluous.  Also, you have more space to tell us more about his journey.  Overcoming denial can happen on a chaise in a stuffy office.  What does he have to DO.

 

Excellent otherwise though, almost there.  



#18 punitrastogi

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 11:19 AM

I wish I could help more on this. It sounds like a strange combination of the Matrix and Thor.

But as far as making it more concise is concerned, I remember hearing somewhere that the word very is almost pointless. It can either be eliminated or replaced to make a better sentence. In your case I think eliminating might be better, and I would consider switching the about to of.

I do like where it is going though, and it is better than the first drafts. Thanks for your help on my hook, if you get time let me know what you think of my latest attempt (don't know how to add that at the bottom like you did in blue)


The Matrix and Thor comparison was a big compliment. Thank you :)

"Very" is pointless when used next to an adjective. Like very good becomes excellent, very big becomes huge, etc. I don't think the same applies here.

And you can add the links like I have by editing your signature in your profile settings.

#19 Niambi

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Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:38 AM

The Matrix and Thor comparison was a big compliment. Thank you :)

"Very" is pointless when used next to an adjective. Like very good becomes excellent, very big becomes huge, etc. I don't think the same applies here.

And you can add the links like I have by editing your signature in your profile settings.

 

 

It does apply here as well.  If the sentence works without it take it out.

 

Very in your case would be an adjective and is still used for emphasis.  So "his very existence" isn't more exact than "his existence" or "his life."



#20 TM5

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 10:25 AM

Wow sounds like an interesting read.  I looked through all the drafts and suggestions and I like the final one the most.  I think it's a good hook and will definitely get attention.  Good luck!






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