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A Relic for Roland (Upper MG Fantasy)

Fiction Middle Grade Fantasy

Best Answer JChristian , 15 July 2017 - 12:15 PM

I think this will be the last version, as I don't want to polish it to death. I really think its 95% there at this point, and I am happier with how it reads. Everyone's advice has been much appreciated.

Edit #8

 

Dear [Agent's name],

Before chopping down an enchanted forest to build a village, check to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost!

 

Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent curse, resulting in their transformation into animals. Now a fire fox, Roland blames himself for this disaster. He sets out to reclaim his lost humanity and save the forest from the resurrected spirit of Golthag the Dragon. 

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which can restore his friends. Along the way, he must learn the ways of magic if he hopes to use the horn’s mystical power to lock Golthag away forever. A devotee of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. With his village under siege by the dragon’s minions, the race is on to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the wrong hands, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear. 

 

But, if he fails to embrace his magic destiny, the wrong hands could very well be his own. Wielded improperly, the horn would pour out its apocalyptic spells, and the spark of the dragon which the fire fox helped to unleash just might become a holocaust.

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. The themes are based around my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, a dragon which so many kids today have to face. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian

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#21 lyncfs

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 06:00 PM

I thought I would give this one last shot. 

Edit #6

Dear [Agent's name],​,

When you chop down an enchanted forest to build your village, check first to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost​(I had to read this a few times. I'm not sure agents or any of us will be chopping down enchanted forests anytime soon. Start with Roland). Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent spell, resulting in their magical transformation into animals. Blaming himself for this disaster, Roland, the fire fox, sets out to reclaim everyone’s lost humanity, and save the forest from the resurrected power of Golthag the Dragon. ​(what makes Roland the man for the job? Does a fire fox have special immunity against dragons? You should highlight here, what makes him special.)

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which might restore him and his friends. Along the way, he uncovers the hidden truths of magic ​(vague) so that he may safely wield the relic and lock Golthag away forever. But, as a man of science ​(I'm confused. You haven't mentioned this prior. And since this is MG I assumed he was a young boy), Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. ​(what does being a magician have to do with finding the relic? Also, what are the stakes if Golthag is let loose to roam?)

 

With his village under siege by  in the dragon’s thralls ​(claws? This is a bit archaic sounding), Roland races to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the hands of Golthag’s allies ​(who are the allies? I thought it was only Golthag. Who is the villain?), there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear.

 

Even if Roland can defeat the dragon, his hesitance to embrace magic increases the dangers the relic poses to its handler​(How does it increase danger? I am confused.) If used unwisely, it could pour out the apocalyptic magic that it contains, and magnify the unholy terror which Roland already helped to unleash. ​(I would stick with Roland and not end your query about the relic. What choice does Roland need to make?)

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words ​(Looking at your word count, it seems you have some genre confusion. 98,000 words is an adult book or a very high page count Young Adult book. MG would not read something this long. You might want to reclassify as young adult). This novel is based on my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, which so many kids today can relate to. ​(while this is a nice point, no where in your query do you mention Roland is autistic. If this is critical, you should mention it or strike this sentence) It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing. ​(These series are very old. I would compare your book to something more recent such as Percy Jackson or other MG fantasies).

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#22 Erevos

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 10:22 AM

Hello there JChristian and thank you for taking a look in my query. You did an excellent job and got me into thinking...

 

As for your story, I have to say it has a cute and an adventurous feel, perfect for the audience you target!

 

 

I thought I would give this one last shot. 

Edit #6

Dear [Agent's name],

When you chop down an enchanted forest to build your village, check first to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost. Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent spell, resulting in their magical transformation into animals. Blaming himself for this disaster, Roland the fire fox sets out to reclaim everyone’s lost humanity, and save the forest from the resurrected power of Golthag the Dragon. I'm torn here. I kind of like your previous version because it is short and concise. Also, you can turn the passive voice into an active one to make it more appealing to an editor. This version however, seems closer to having a "voice." AND I LIKE IT! Now, I can't guarantee that agents will like it as well, but like you said, people have different opinions. Some may like it and some may not.

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic:  the horn of a unicorn which might restore him and his friends. Along the way, he uncovers the hidden truths of magic so that he may safely wield the relic and lock Golthag away forever. But, as a man of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. Hmm, ok, you give me the relic and what he has to do, but also that Roland is a man of science and he struggles with the idea of magic. How about shorten it a bit? Actually no...I read below and I have a better idea.

 

With his village under siege by the dragon’s thralls, Roland races to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the hands of Golthag’s allies, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear.

 

You can definitely connect those last 2 paragraphs and make your query shorter.

 

Quick rewrite from me: "With his village under siege by the dragon’s thralls, Roland races to recover a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which might not only restore him and his friends,but also lock Golthag away forever.

 

But as a man of science, Roland struggles with the idea of using magic. Even if he can defeat the dragon, his hesitance to embrace magic might unlease into the world the unholy terror which Roland struggled to contain. OR But as a man of science, Roland struggles with the idea of using magic. If he can't embrace the relic's magic and use it right, Roland risks unleasing into the world the unholy terror which he struggled to contain.Something like that! Hope it helps!

 

 

 

Even if Roland can defeat the dragon, his hesitance to embrace magic increases the dangers the relic poses to its handler. If used unwisely, it could pour out the apocalyptic magic that it contains, and magnify the unholy terror which Roland already helped to unleash.

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. This novel is based on my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, which so many kids today can relate to. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing. Nice! Narnia is an old book and very popular so some might say avoid using it, but you did an excellent job here by including personal details. It totally works.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#23 Cengel

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 02:01 PM

Dear [Agent's name],

When you chop down an enchanted forest to build your village, check first to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost. I've read advice from several agents never to use "you" in a query. Make sure to stay in third person. I do like the overall gist of the hook, though. I think you should reword it to something like: When Roland Hobbs chops down an enchanted forest to build his village, he never expects to awaken the ghost of a dragon. (or something like that) Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent spell, resulting in their magical transformation into animals. Blaming himself for this disaster, Roland the fire fox sets out to reclaim everyone’s lost humanity, and save the forest from the resurrected power of Golthag the Dragon.

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which might restore him and his friends. Along the way, he uncovers the hidden truths of magic so that he may safely wield the relic and lock Golthag away forever. But, as a man of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. 

 

I agree with Erevos's suggested revision at this point.

 

With his village under siege by the dragon’s thralls, the word thrall doesn't work here Roland races to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the hands of Golthag’s allies, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear.

 

Even if Roland can defeat the dragon, his hesitance to embrace magic increases the dangers the relic poses to its handler. If used unwisely, it could pour out the apocalyptic magic that it contains, and magnify the unholy terror which Roland already helped to unleash. Suggested edit: Even if Roland can defeat the dragon, if he fails to embrace magic, the relic itself could (insert what it will do).

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. This novel is based on my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, which so many kids today can relate to. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian

 

Thanks for your critique! I hope mine was helpful in return. I think your story sounds interesting and that this version is an improvement from previous drafts. Keep it up :)


Please take a look at my query.


#24 Sreid

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 06:10 PM

Hi JChristian,

 

I this query is a lot better than your first draft

I thought I would give this one last shot. 

Edit #6

Dear [Agent's name],

When you chop down an enchanted forest to build your village, check first to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost. I like this hook. It grabs my attention. Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent spell, resulting in their magical transformation into animals. Blaming himself for this disaster, Roland the(,) now a fire fox(,) sets out to reclaim everyone’s If I understand right, just the people of Roland's village lost their humanity, not everyone. the lost humanity of those dear to him, and save the forest from the resurrected power As I understand it from previous versions of your query, the dragon isn't fully resurrected yet, so it might be better to call the dragon a wraith of Golthag the Dragon.

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which might restore him and his friends. Along the way, he uncovers the hidden truths It might be simpler to say learns the ways of magic so that he may safely wield the relic and lock Golthag away forever. But, as a man, or fox, of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. I like this.

 

With his village under siege by the dragon’s thralls, Roland races to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the hands of Golthag’s allies, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return full resurrection, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear.

 

Even if Roland can defeat the dragon, his hesitance to embrace magic increases the dangers the relic poses to its handler. If used unwisely, it could pour out the apocalyptic magic that it contains, and magnify the unholy terror which Roland already helped to unleash. I understand what you're saying here, but it seems to me it doesn't flow very easily. Perhaps you could rephrase it.

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. This novel It is based on This is a fantasy novel, so it cannot be based on your life, but it might be the result of my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, which so many kids today can relate to. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian

I hope my humble opinions and suggestions were helpful, otherwise disregard them.



#25 JChristian

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 07:25 PM

I've listened to your advice, and I think there are some good ideas there. Everyone seems to hate the word 'Thrall', which I prefer, but its not a hill worth dying on. I'm going to try a new direction based on your suggestions, and I hope it reads better. The more I go back and forth to prior versions, the more I hope to find a middle ground.

NOTE: As far as word count and age group, here's the problem. When I pitch this as YA, I hear the following lecture: "Nobody in YA is going to read anthropomorphic alliterative animal stories." Of course, the story is not about AAAs at all, but the prejudice is real.

When I pitch as adult, I get the same response.

When I pitch as MG, I get: "Word count too long. Nobody in MG will read it."

Take The Hobbit. Is it MG? YA? Adult? You will hear a long argument over each but in the end, you will find The Hobbit in all three sections of the book store. Of course, you can't pitch a fantasy story as 'for all ages' to an agent unless you want the door slammed in your face.

I have written the novel in three distinct acts of around 31,000 words. However, each book would end without the resolution of the quest arc, even if I were to eviscerate the story for that purpose alone. It stands at 98,000 words, just a hair's breadth from The Hobbit.


Of course, I do not mention Tolkien at all, since that is the surest sign of an 'amateur' when it comes to aspirations towards a fantasy novel. And yet, here we are.

 

Edit #7
 

Dear [Agent's name],

When chopping down an enchanted forest to build a village, check first to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost!

 

Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent spell, resulting in their transformation into animals. Blaming himself for this disaster, Roland the fire fox sets out to reclaim his lost humanity, and save the forest from the resurrected might of Golthag the Dragon.

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which might restore his friends. Along the way, he must learn the ways of magic to release the horn’s power and lock Golthag away forever.

 

With his village under siege by the dragon’s minions, Roland races to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the wrong hands, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear.

 

A devotee of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. But if he fails to embrace his destiny, the wrong hands could be his own, and the spark of the dragon which the fire fox helped to unleash might become a holocaust.

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. The themes are based around my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, which so many kids today can relate to. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian



#26 Iconian

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 11:15 PM

Dear [Agent's name],

When chopping down an enchanted forest to build a village, check first to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost!

 

Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent spell, resulting in their transformation into animals. Roland, morphed/changed into a fire fox, blames himself for this disaster and sets out to reclaim his lost humanity, and save the forest from the resurrected might of Golthag the Dragon. [Consider trying something a little more interesting than "the Dragon."  Maybe "the Great Dragon."  "The Undying Dragon."  Etc.]

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a [consider putting some adjective here--like, "long-missing.] missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which might restore his friends. Along the way, he must learn the ways of magic to release the horn’s power and lock Golthag away forever.

 

With his village under siege by the dragon’s minions, [since this siege wasn't mentioned before, I'd find a different way to lead into it, and restructure some of it.  Something like]:

 

But before he can find the horn, word arrives that his village is under siege by the dragon's minions--and now, they're after the horn too.  A devotee of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician, and races to recover the relic before time runs out.  Should it fall into the wrong hands, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything he holds dear.  Roland must finally embrace his magical destiny--or the wrong hands could just turn out to be his own, and the spark of the dragon which the fire fox helped to unleash might become a holocaust.

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. The themes are based around my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, which so many kids today can relate to. [If you're trying draw a parallel between your struggle with autism and Roland's struggle to become a passage magician, then you should probably state that explicitly.  "Roland's quest to understand magic is based around my own life-long struggle," etc.]
  It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing.

 

 

 

 

 

I think your query sounds quite good.  It actually kind of reminds me of a recent game called Ori and the Blind Forest.  And as far as pitching it YA, adult, MG--at least for the query, I think you went the right course.  Just call it "fantasy."  I think some people are too anal about wanting to mark off the exact right checkboxes for things.  I think any agent or publisher worth their weight will recognize value when they see it, so I don't think I'd sweat it.  Though, that's assuming that the book itself is good . . .


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#27 JChristian

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 11:23 PM

 [Consider trying something a little more interesting than "the Dragon."  Maybe "the Great Dragon."  "The Undying Dragon."  Etc.]

 

I tried that route, but people told me they were confused about Golthag being the dragon. Dragon confusion plagued my earlier drafts, for some reason.

 

 Though, that's assuming that the book itself is good . . .

That is the million dollar question, isn't it? One can never trust one's own estimation. I will also try to relate the Autism explicitly in the next edit.

Thank you for your feedback!
 



#28 Iconian

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 11:49 PM

They didn't like you giving the dragon a more interesting name, JChristian?  What did you call it originally?  Perhaps you just need to find the right name.

 

 

 Though, that's assuming that the book itself is good . . .

That is the million dollar question, isn't it? One can never trust one's own estimation.

 

 

 

Yeah, ultimately it is.  Try to get a couple friends to read it or something.  I've given some of my book to my family, but I don't think it's quite their genre.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#29 Erevos

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 07:38 AM

I've listened to your advice, and I think there are some good ideas there. Everyone seems to hate the word 'Thrall', which I prefer, but its not a hill worth dying on. I'm going to try a new direction based on your suggestions, and I hope it reads better. The more I go back and forth to prior versions, the more I hope to find a middle ground.

NOTE: As far as word count and age group, here's the problem. When I pitch this as YA, I hear the following lecture: "Nobody in YA is going to read anthropomorphic alliterative animal stories." Of course, the story is not about AAAs at all, but the prejudice is real.

When I pitch as adult, I get the same response.

When I pitch as MG, I get: "Word count too long. Nobody in MG will read it."

Take The Hobbit. Is it MG? YA? Adult? You will hear a long argument over each but in the end, you will find The Hobbit in all three sections of the book store. Of course, you can't pitch a fantasy story as 'for all ages' to an agent unless you want the door slammed in your face. 

I have written the novel in three distinct acts of around 31,000 words. However, each book would end without the resolution of the quest arc, even if I were to eviscerate the story for that purpose alone. It stands at 98,000 words, just a hair's breadth from The Hobbit.


Of course, I do not mention Tolkien at all, since that is the surest sign of an 'amateur' when it comes to aspirations towards a fantasy novel. And yet, here we are.

 

I get your feels.

 

Edit #7
 

Dear [Agent's name],

When chopping down an enchanted forest to build a village, check first to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost! I said before that I like this voice!! Keep that!

 

Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent spell, resulting in their transformation into animals. Blaming himself for this disaster, Roland the fire fox sets out to reclaim his lost humanity, and save the forest from the resurrected might of Golthag the Dragon. Iconian is right here. A simple "Roland, morphed into a firefox" may help avoid confusion.

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which might restore his friends. Along the way, he must learn the ways of magic to release the horn’s power and lock Golthag away forever.

 

With his village under siege by the dragon’s minions, Roland races to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the wrong hands, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear.  Again, Iconian offered a nice suggestion...for me it works as it is, so I guess it falls to you to decide now!

 

A devotee of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. But if he fails to embrace his destiny, the wrong hands could be his own, and the spark of the dragon which the fire fox helped to unleash might become a holocaust. That is great! Sure, you removed the part that it's the wrong use of the relic that might unleash all hell, but this one works just as great! If I had to choose though, I'd go with the previous version since it added more weight to him accepting magic. See if you can add that weight in this version as well...

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. The themes are based around my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, which so many kids today can relate to. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian

All in all I think your query is almost ready! Just a bit of polishing and you'll be ready!!

 

 

I think your query sounds quite good.  It actually kind of reminds me of a recent game called Ori and the Blind Forest.  And as far as pitching it YA, adult, MG--at least for the query, I think you went the right course.  Just call it "fantasy."  I think some people are too anal about wanting to mark off the exact right checkboxes for things.  I think any agent or publisher worth their weight will recognize value when they see it, so I don't think I'd sweat it.  Though, that's assuming that the book itself is good . . .

 

Boy oh boy, you are right... I included YA in my novel, but honestly it may also fall in the A category as well...I guess depending on the agent, I will either just mention fantasy and only when required add YA or A.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#30 JChristian

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 12:15 PM   Best Answer

I think this will be the last version, as I don't want to polish it to death. I really think its 95% there at this point, and I am happier with how it reads. Everyone's advice has been much appreciated.

Edit #8

 

Dear [Agent's name],

Before chopping down an enchanted forest to build a village, check to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost!

 

Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent curse, resulting in their transformation into animals. Now a fire fox, Roland blames himself for this disaster. He sets out to reclaim his lost humanity and save the forest from the resurrected spirit of Golthag the Dragon. 

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which can restore his friends. Along the way, he must learn the ways of magic if he hopes to use the horn’s mystical power to lock Golthag away forever. A devotee of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. With his village under siege by the dragon’s minions, the race is on to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the wrong hands, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear. 

 

But, if he fails to embrace his magic destiny, the wrong hands could very well be his own. Wielded improperly, the horn would pour out its apocalyptic spells, and the spark of the dragon which the fire fox helped to unleash just might become a holocaust.

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. The themes are based around my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, a dragon which so many kids today have to face. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian



#31 Iconian

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 01:31 AM

I think this will be the last version, as I don't want to polish it to death. I really think its 95% there at this point, and I am happier with how it reads. Everyone's advice has been much appreciated.

Edit #8

 

Dear [Agent's name],

Before chopping down an enchanted forest to build a village, check to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost!

 

Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent curse, resulting in their transformation into animals. Now a fire fox, Roland blames himself for this disaster. He sets out to reclaim his lost humanity and save the forest from the resurrected spirit of Golthag the Dragon. 

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which can restore his friends. Along the way, he must learn the ways of magic if he hopes to use the horn’s mystical power to lock Golthag away forever. A devotee of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. With his village under siege by the dragon’s minions, the race is on to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the wrong hands, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear. 

 

I looked over this paragraph for a while, sensing some problems.  This is how I would rewrite it:

 

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which can restore his friends.  And with his village under siege by the dragon’s minions, it's a race to recover the relic before time runs out.  Though a devotee of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician along the way, in hopes of using the horn’s mystical power to lock Golthag away forever.  Should it fall into the wrong hands, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear.

 

 

And perhaps most worrying of all: if Roland fails to embrace his magic destiny, the wrong hands could very well be his own. Wielded improperly, the horn would pour out its apocalyptic spells, and the spark of the dragon which the fire fox helped to unleash just might become a holocaust.

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. The themes are based around my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, a dragon which so many kids today have to face. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian

 

 

 

I think I like it quite a lot.  I too agree your query is almost ready.  I'd just work a little more to try to get it flowing better.  Good luck!


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#32 Sreid

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 02:08 AM

Hi JChristian,

 

I'll just bring up one small point here. You say you've struggled over categorizing which age-group this fantasy story should be focused on, but in your query you make the association between yourself and kids. That tells me one of two things about your book:

 

1. You have already subconsciously made the connection between your book and kids, meaning you think it is geared toward kids. In that case, I think you can say it is a kids book, or

2. You have limited your struggle with autism with the struggle children face. Wouldn't teens, new adults as well as adults facing struggles with autism also be able to relate to your struggles? If so, I would cut the word "kids".


A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. The themes are based around my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, a dragon which so many kids today have to face. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing.
 

 I hope that is helpful.



#33 Erevos

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 06:09 AM

Hello JChristian. I am only going to make 2-3 small suggestions here.

I am be wrong though since I always had troubles with commas, even in my native language. If someone can check as well, it would be the best.

 

Other than that, I too think you are ready!

 

I think this will be the last version, as I don't want to polish it to death. I really think its 95% there at this point, and I am happier with how it reads. Everyone's advice has been much appreciated.

Edit #8

 

Dear [Agent's name],

Before chopping down an enchanted forest to build a village, check to make sure it is not a prison for a dragon’s ghost!

 

Roland Hobbs and his neighbors learn this the hard way when their actions release a potent curse, resulting in their transformation into animals. Now a fire fox, Roland blames himself for this disaster. He sets out to reclaim his lost humanity and save the forest from the resurrected spirit of Golthag the Dragon. 

 

Roland hunts up and down the middle kingdoms to find a missing relic: the horn of a unicorn which can restore his friends. Along the way, he must learn the ways of magic if he hopes to use the horn’s mystical power to lock Golthag away forever. A devotee of science, Roland struggles to become even a passable magician. With his village under siege by the dragon’s minions, the race is on to recover the relic before time runs out. Should it fall into the wrong hands, there would be nothing to stop the dragon’s triumphant return, I think no comma here. and the destruction of everything Roland holds dear. 

 

But, Also its better with no comma here. It reads a bit faster. if he fails to embrace his magic destiny, the wrong hands could very well be his own. Wielded improperly, the horn would pour out its apocalyptic spells, Again no comma here! and the spark of the dragon which the fire fox helped to unleash just might become a holocaust.

A RELIC FOR ROLAND is a fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 98,000 words. The themes are based around my life-long struggle to overcome Autism, a dragon which so many kids today have to face. It is inspired by books like Redwall and the Narnia Chronicles, which helped me break out of my private world, and into writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

J. Christian


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Middle Grade, Fantasy

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