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Pitch Madness pitch for The Dreamon (YA fantasy)

Young Adult Fantasy

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#1 EllieFirestone1

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Posted 18 February 2017 - 02:19 PM

This is a hook I made from basically condensing my query letter. I'd love any critiques you guys can give me!

 

Specific question: should I replace "Dreamon" with "Dream Demon" to make it clear what a Dreamon actually is?

 

Trapped in a nightmare, fifteen-year-old Lucy Nightingale must face warped laws of physics, random explode-y things, and possible death in order to defeat her Dreamon. Otherwise, she'll never wake up again.



#2 SRPasternack

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Posted 19 February 2017 - 02:58 AM

Hmmmm so I'm pretty new at this Pitch Madness thing, but I'm pretty good with loglines, and they're pretty similar right? That's what I hear, anyway.

 

The new guidelines for Pitch Madness say 35 words max, and yours right now is 31 if you count hyphenated words as one, or 34 if you count hyphenated words as separate. Either way, you're golden there!

 

I like to make sure the following criteria are present for my loglines: an interesting character with a passion, an incident that affects the character, a risky/difficult goal for the character, something/someone in the way of that goal, and a risk of disaster expressed in terms of the previously stated passion.

 

So looking at what you've got here...

 

Trapped in a nightmare, fifteen-year-old Lucy Nightingale must face warped laws of physics, random explode-y things, and possible death in order to defeat her Dreamon. Otherwise, she'll never wake up again.

 

I think this pretty succinctly sums up the gist of your story (I say, not having read it). As far as the "Dreamon" thing goes, maybe you could reorder the sentence a little to clear things up. Like...

 

Fifteen-year-old Lucy must face warped laws of physics, random explode-y things, and possible death in order to escape from the nightmare a demon has trapped her in. Otherwise, she'll sleep forever.

 

 

Or something like that?


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#3 EllieFirestone1

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Posted 19 February 2017 - 01:27 PM

Hmmmm so I'm pretty new at this Pitch Madness thing, but I'm pretty good with loglines, and they're pretty similar right? That's what I hear, anyway.

 

The new guidelines for Pitch Madness say 35 words max, and yours right now is 31 if you count hyphenated words as one, or 34 if you count hyphenated words as separate. Either way, you're golden there!

 

I like to make sure the following criteria are present for my loglines: an interesting character with a passion, an incident that affects the character, a risky/difficult goal for the character, something/someone in the way of that goal, and a risk of disaster expressed in terms of the previously stated passion.

 

So looking at what you've got here...

 

 

I think this pretty succinctly sums up the gist of your story (I say, not having read it). As far as the "Dreamon" thing goes, maybe you could reorder the sentence a little to clear things up. Like...

 

 

Or something like that?

 

I really like that reordered logline, actually. I might use that instead :) Thank you so much for your help!



#4 SRPasternack

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Posted 19 February 2017 - 05:20 PM

I really like that reordered logline, actually. I might use that instead :) Thank you so much for your help!

 

Woohoo! Glad to help. :)


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#5 Nonicks

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 08:48 AM

I liked SRPasternack suggestion better, but overall this is a solid logline. But I'm a sucker for characters trapped in a strange world, so this might be the reason why I liked this. 







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