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Pitch Madness - Red Eyed Daniel - MG fantasy


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#1 Nonicks

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 07:56 AM

Daniel trades his eyes for the opportunity to search for his kidnapped mother in a parallel universe, just to discover he's been lured into that world by a powerful demon who wants to kill him.



#2 SRPasternack

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 11:14 AM

Hey! You gave feedback on my pitch, so I thought I'd repay the favor. :)

 

 

Daniel trades his eyes for the opportunity to search for his kidnapped mother in a parallel universe, just to discover he's been lured into that world by a powerful demon who wants to kill him.

 

 

I like to set up my loglines with the following critera: an interesting character with a passion, an incident that affects the character, a risky/difficult goal for the character, something/someone in the way of that goal, and a risk of disaster expressed in terms of the previously stated passion.

 

Interesting character: Daniel, who is presumably a teenager who cares enough about his mother to give up his eyes. In the context of this logline, his passion is his mother's safety/life.

 

Incident: mother was kidnapped.

 

Risky/difficult goal: searching for his mother in a parallel universe without eyes.

 

Something/someone in the way: a powerful demon.

 

Risk of disaster: the previously stated passion is his mother, but the disaster is expressed in terms of Daniel's own mortality. In general, I don't like disasters that are the character's own death (especially in fantasy), because it's too easy. And since he was willing to sacrifice his sight for his mother, I would assume he'd also give his life for her.

 

What would happen to his mother if he fails to rescue her?


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#3 Nonicks

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 01:13 PM

Thanks, SRPasternack. Hmm.. So if I understand correctly, if you were able to identify all the criteria, does it mean my logline is... OK?

What would happen to his mother? She would die.



#4 ViviMont

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 01:49 PM

Daniel trades his eyes for the opportunity to search for his kidnapped mother in a parallel universe, just to discover he's been lured into that world by a powerful demon who wants to kill him.

 

Daniel sacrifices his eyes to a powerful demon in exchange to search for his kidnapped mother in a parallel universe before she dies. Except now Daniel's fallen into the demon's trap. (Here's another version to make the stakes clearer, but to be honest the one you posted sounds great.)


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#5 SRPasternack

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 03:38 PM

Thanks, SRPasternack. Hmm.. So if I understand correctly, if you were able to identify all the criteria, does it mean my logline is... OK?

What would happen to his mother? She would die.

 

Oops, sorry! Should have been more clear.

 

I think the stakes could be more personal for him. The way I look at stakes, is that every living thing everywhere does the things they do with the underlying goal of "don't die," so making "don't die" the stakes for a story is like, "yeah of course they don't want to die, but what ELSE will happen?"

 

So I was wondering what else was going to happen, besides "people die." Why did his mother get taken? Why does the demon want to kill him? Why did he have to sacrifice his eyes? What makes this story's stakes different than other stakes of similar stories?


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#6 Nonicks

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 04:10 PM

Oh, OK. Then - the powerful demon wants to get the MC's telekinetic power. So his mother was taken to lure him into the parallel world. His eyes function as a tracking system so the demon can follow him until he has enough powers. And if the demon gets the MC's energy, he will enslave all humanity. But I can't explain all of this in 35 words...  :wacko:



#7 SRPasternack

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 05:07 PM

Oh, OK. Then - the powerful demon wants to get the MC's telekinetic power. So his mother was taken to lure him into the parallel world. His eyes function as a tracking system so the demon can follow him until he has enough powers. And if the demon gets the MC's energy, he will enslave all humanity. But I can't explain all of this in 35 words...  :wacko:

 

*cracks knuckles*

 

Okay...

 

When a demon kidnaps his mother, a telekinetic teen(?) sacrifices his eyes in order to find her, only to discover his mother is bait in a trap, and his powers may destroy all of humanity. (35 words)


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#8 Nonicks

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 05:16 AM

Thanks, that does sound great. Here's my try (I think it needs a bit of explanation as to where his mom was kidnapped, so I added this info):

 

When a demon kidnaps his mother to a parallel world, thirteen-year-old Daniel sacrifices his eyes to find her, but discovers his mother is bait in a trap, and his dormant telekinetic powers may destroy humanity.

 

 



#9 Cez

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 07:43 AM

Thanks, that does sound great. Here's my try (I think it needs a bit of explanation as to where his mom was kidnapped, so I added this info):

 

When a demon kidnaps his mother to a parallel world, thirteen-year-old Daniel sacrifices his eyes to find her, but discovers his mother is bait in a trap, and his dormant telekinetic powers may destroy humanity.

 

 

 

So far all of your versions are pretty good, but I couldn't resist writing another one.

Just a suggestion:

 

When a demon kidnaps his mother, thirteen-year-old Daniel sacrifices his eye to find her, but discovers the setup is a trap to steal his dormant telekinetic powers, which will enable the demon to destroy humanity.



#10 Nonicks

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 08:46 AM

Wow, Cez! This is AMAZING! Thank you so much! If you want me to read anything for you, just say so. :)



#11 ViviMont

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 11:04 AM

I agree, this last one Cez modified is perfect!!


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#12 dmsimone

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 12:34 PM

OK, is this the one I should look at?

 

When a demon kidnaps his mother, thirteen-year-old Daniel sacrifices his eye to find her, but discovers the setup is a trap to steal his dormant telekinetic powers, which will enable the demon to destroy humanity.

 

My only comment here is that it is one long sentence. Any way you can break it into two? 






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