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THE UNDERGROUND Synopsis (I'll be happy to reciprocate any critiques!)


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#1 AutumnL

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 09:16 AM

*** Thank you SO much for taking the time to look over my synopsis (these are so hard to write!). Please be kind but honest and I promise to return the favor! ***

 

On the night EVE and ARRO’s lives collide, hope reemerges. Arro is a Red Sun, a rebel group on the earth’s surface whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. The Underground is a paradise below the Earth’s surface where only the best and brightest are allowed to live. However, the Red Sun's mission is far from completion. The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and the Red Suns can only survive if they serve the Underground.

 

Eve has escaped from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground. She had been experimented on by the Underground’s leader, IAM, for reasons unknown to her. Those experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by her escape. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her. Arro brings Eve back to the Red Suns headquarters, where the COMMANDER and his friend/leader, CHRIS see her as the opportunity they’ve been waiting for.

 

Eve isn't used to kindness or holding back her emotions. When Arro takes her under his wing, she makes it clear that she believes he is her soulmate. Although Arro feels something for Eve, who is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something, he finds her abruptness overwhelming.

 

As she becomes accustomed to life with the Red Suns, Eve’s new perspective on the issues that face the surface world causes Arro to rethink truths he's held his whole life. When a question about the Red Sun’s use of oxygen tanks leads Arro outside, he discovers the air has become breathable. This revelation makes the commander ready to start preparations for the Red Sun’s attack on the Underground. They go to seek allies in nearby rebel groups, only to find that their allies never actually existed. They are just another lie invented by the Underground.

 

The news rattles the commander, who is found dead the next morning. Her death is ruled a suicide. Chris takes charge immediately, which makes Eve suspect foul play in the commander’s death. This leads Arro to share Chris’ tragic past and how reaching his wife, who was taken into the Underground several years earlier, was the only thing that gave his life meaning. Arro asks Eve what gave her life meaning during her time in the Underground. She replies that she wanted to pay forward the love she received from strangers throughout her childhood on the surface.

 

The conversation makes Arro realize his feelings for Eve, but he can't think of a right time to tell her. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground… But not before battling several of the Underground’s defenses. When Arro sees what Eve could do with her powers, he realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they finally make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before the threat of hallucinogenic gas causes her to be separated from him and Chris. Eve deals with the loss of her soulmate while searching for the entrance to the Underground’s controls through an Underground room full of mountains and streams. Arro and Chris search for the same thing through a room of dense jungle. It doesn't take long for Chris to abandon Arro to continue on by himself.

 

While wandering, Arro meets a family who also wants to rebel against the Underground and they help him get on the right path to the controls. He is reunited with Chris in the process, who then forces him to take a detour to the Underground’s Records Room. There, Chris finds out that through the chaos she produced to escape the Underground the first time, Eve had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the enemy and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with IAM. He tells her why he set up the ruse of the other rebel groups and the air quality; it was to keep the only survivors not only safe but also motivated to live. He explained to her that she was not created for evil, but to restore balance to the natural world before the Underground reached its approaching extinction.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills IAM. Chris almost turns the crowd against Eve by telling them what she did when Arro appears with the commander's record. He had found that the commander had been killed by Chris. Chris, however, spins it around, saying he had to kill the commander because Eve had left her as good as dead.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. They find a room to hide in, and Eve is shocked to discover the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She wants to destroy the experiment herself, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve escapes narrowly, promising Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. Eve meets up with Arro in the jungle room, worried about what she left behind but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.



#2 KitCampbell

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 11:20 PM

Hello!

*** Thank you SO much for taking the time to look over my synopsis (these are so hard to write!). Please be kind but honest and I promise to return the favor! ***

 

On the night EVE and ARRO’s lives collide, hope reemerges. Arro is a member of Red Sun, a rebel group on the earth’s surface whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. The Underground is a paradise below the Earth’s surface where only the best and brightest are allowed to live. However, the Red Sun's mission is far from completion (complete--though I don't understand what this means. As far as I know they haven't successfully breached the Underground.). The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and the Red Suns (you're using both Red Sun and Red Suns and it's a bit confusing) can only survive if they serve the Underground.

 

Eve has escaped from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground. She had been experimented on by the Underground’s leader, IAM, for reasons unknown to her. Those experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by her escape. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her (little confused about how she goes from battling the experiment to escaping. Did they let her out of her enclosure or something?)Arro brings Eve back to the Red Sun's headquarters (oh, so he did get in), where the COMMANDER and his friend/leader, CHRIS, see her as the opportunity they’ve been waiting for.

 

Eve isn't used to kindness or holding back her emotions. When Arro takes her under his wing, she makes it clear that she believes he is her soulmate. Although Arro feels something for Eve, who is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something, he finds her abruptness overwhelming.

 

As she becomes accustomed to life with the Red Suns, Eve’s new perspective on the issues that face the surface world causes Arro to rethink truths he's held his whole life. When a question about the Red Sun’s use of oxygen tanks leads Arro outside, he discovers the air has become breathable. This revelation makes the commander ready to start preparations for the Red Sun’s attack on the Underground (Okay, not following this either. If Arro discovers something, what makes the Commander act? Did he know and he's worried that the Red Sun will stop the attack against the Underground if the surface is habitable? That they'll stop following him because he lied to them?). They go to seek allies in nearby rebel groups, only to find that their allies never actually existed. They are just another lie invented by the Underground. (The Underground made up rebel groups? Like, they had people fronting as said groups?)

 

The news rattles the commander, who is found dead the next morning. Her (His used up above?) death is ruled a suicide. Chris takes charge immediately, which makes Eve suspect foul play in the commander’s death. This leads Arro to share Chris’ tragic past and how reaching his wife, who was taken into the Underground several years earlier, was the only thing that gave his life meaning. Arro asks Eve what gave her life meaning during her time in the Underground. She replies that she wanted to pay forward the love she received from strangers throughout her childhood on the surface.

 

The conversation makes Arro realize his feelings for Eve, but he can't think of a right time to tell her. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground… But not before battling several of the Underground’s defenses. When Arro sees what Eve could do with her powers, he realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they finally make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before the threat of hallucinogenic gas causes her to be separated from him and Chris. Eve deals with the loss of her soulmate while searching for the entrance to the Underground’s controls through an Underground room full of mountains and streams. Arro and Chris search for the same thing through a room of dense jungle. It doesn't take long for Chris to abandon Arro to continue on by himself.

 

While wandering, Arro meets a family who also wants to rebel against the Underground and they help him get on the right path to the controls. He is reunited with Chris in the process, who then forces him to take a detour to the Underground’s Records Room. There, Chris finds out that through the chaos she produced to escape the Underground the first time, Eve had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the enemy and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with IAM. He tells her why he set up the ruse of the other rebel groups and the air quality; it was to keep the only survivors not only safe but also motivated to live. He explained to her that she was not created for evil, but to restore balance to the natural world before the Underground reached its approaching extinction.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills IAM. Chris almost turns the crowd against Eve by telling them what she did when Arro appears with the commander's record. He had found that the commander had been killed by Chris (Why would the Underground have a record of what happened in the Red Sun headquarters?). Chris, however, spins it around, saying he had to kill the commander because Eve had left her as good as dead. (What gender is the commander? It's really confusing.)

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. They find a room to hide in, and Eve is shocked to discover the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She wants to destroy the experiment herself, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve escapes narrowly, promising Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. Eve meets up with Arro in the jungle room, worried about what she left behind but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.

I think you just need to clarify a few things, especially the connection between the Underground and the Red Sun.



#3 dragoness

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 07:43 AM

The story is fascinating :Woah!:

 

There are too many characters, places and spins, IMO, so the synopsis is too complicated and unclear. I think you better work on deleting whatever is not necessary...

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

On the night EVE and ARRO’s lives collide, hope reemerges. Arro is a Red Sun, a rebel group on the earth’s surface whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. The Underground is a paradise below the Earth’s surface where only the best and brightest are allowed to live. However, the Red Sun's mission is far from completion. The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and the Red Suns can only survive if they serve the Underground. (It sounds fascinating, but also confusing. I think you better change the order of the sentences in this paragraph to make it clearer.)

 

Eve has escaped from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground. She had been experimented on by the Underground’s leader, IAM, for reasons unknown to her. Those experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by her escape (not clear enough, IMO). Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her. Arro brings Eve back to the Red Suns headquarters, where the COMMANDER and his friend/leader, CHRIS see her as the opportunity they’ve been waiting for. (Too many names. There's a recommendation of mentioning about three names, and call the others by their roles, like "Commander's friend". Besides, there are 3 leaders in the synopsis, too many to remember...)

 

 

Eve isn't used to kindness or holding back her emotions (how can these two things it go together?). When Arro takes her under his wing, she makes it clear that she believes he is her soulmate. Although Arro feels something for Eve, who is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something, he finds her abruptness overwhelming. (shouldn't he say he's married?)

 

As she becomes accustomed to life with the Red Suns, Eve’s new perspective on the issues that face the surface world causes Arro to rethink truths he's held his whole life. When a question about the Red Sun’s use of oxygen tanks leads Arro outside, he discovers the air has become breathable. This revelation makes the commander ready to start preparations for the Red Sun’s attack on the Underground. (Why?) They go to seek allies in nearby rebel groups, only to find that their allies never actually existed. They are just another lie invented by the Underground.

 

The news rattles the commander, who is found dead the next morning. Her death is ruled a suicide. Chris takes charge immediately, which makes Eve suspect foul play in the commander’s death. This leads Arro to share Chris’ tragic past and how reaching his wife, who was taken into the Underground several years earlier, was the only thing that gave his life meaning. Arro asks Eve what gave her life meaning during her time in the Underground. She replies that she wanted to pay forward the love she received from strangers throughout her childhood on the surface. (Sounds too sweet, IMO, and contradicts her not being used to kindness)

 

The conversation makes Arro realize his feelings for Eve, but he can't think of a right time to tell her. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground… But not before battling several of the Underground’s defenses. When Arro sees what Eve could do with her powers, he realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human. (good!)

 

When they finally make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before the threat of hallucinogenic gas causes her to be separated from him and Chris. Eve deals with the loss of her soulmate while searching for the entrance to the Underground’s controls through an Underground room full of mountains and streams. Arro and Chris search for the same thing through a room of dense jungle. It doesn't take long for Chris to abandon Arro to continue on by himself. While wandering, Arro meets a family who also wants to rebel against the Underground and they help him get on the right path to the controls. He is reunited with Chris in the process, who then forces him to take a detour to the Underground’s Records Room. There, Chris finds out that through the chaos she produced to escape the Underground the first time, Eve had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the enemy and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with IAM. He tells her why he set up the ruse of the other rebel groups and the air quality; it was to keep the only survivors not only safe but also motivated to live. He explained to her that she was not created for evil, but to restore balance to the natural world before the Underground reached its approaching extinction.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills IAM. Chris almost turns the crowd against Eve by telling them what she did when Arro appears with the commander's record. He had found that the commander had been killed by Chris. Chris, however, spins it around, saying he had to kill the commander because Eve had left her as good as dead.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. They find a room to hide in, and Eve is shocked to discover the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She wants to destroy the experiment herself, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve escapes narrowly, promising Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. Eve meets up with Arro in the jungle room, worried about what she left behind but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose. (It doesn't sound like an end. Isn't there anything later?)

Good luck!

 

I'd be happy if you'd like to take a look at my new version: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/

and would be happy to look at your next version.



#4 AutumnL

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 04:52 PM

You guys are the best! Thank you so much for your input so far. I've edited mine, and now time to take a look at yours :) Here's round two. **OH also the ending is sort of abrupt because this is the first book in a trilogy. Probably should've mentioned that :)

 

The surface world that is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, cities lie in ruins. But on the night EVE and ARRO’s lives collide, hope reemerges. Arro is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group on the earth’s surface whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground: A paradise below the Earth’s desolate surface where only the best and brightest are allowed to live.

 

Eve runs into Arro after just escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground. She had been experimented on for reasons unknown to her. Those experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her.

 

Arro brings Eve back to the Red Suns’ headquarters, where they take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to CHRIS. While everyone else wants to invade the Underground for a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years before.

 

Arro and Eve quickly develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking 15 years worth of social skills and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

The Red Suns planned to invade the Underground after several months of training. However, when the Red Suns’ leader is found dead, Chris takes charge immediately. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground… But not before battling several of their defenses.

 

Arro finally sees what Eve could do with her powers, and he realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before the threat of hallucinogenic gas causes her to be separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that through the chaos she produced to escape the Underground the first time, Eve had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the enemy and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her the Underground fed the Red Suns’ need for revenge because it gave them a reason to live. He says the Red Suns are a part of a bigger plan: they will be the ones who teach those below the surface how to survive once Underground reached its approaching extinction. He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. When hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.



#5 SRPasternack

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 01:08 AM

You guys are the best! Thank you so much for your input so far. I've edited mine, and now time to take a look at yours :) Here's round two. **OH also the ending is sort of abrupt because this is the first book in a trilogy. Probably should've mentioned that :)

 

The surface world that is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, cities lie in ruins. But on the night EVE and ARRO’s lives collide, hope reemerges. Arro is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group on the earth’s surface whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground: A paradise below the Earth’s desolate surface where only the best and brightest are allowed to live.

 

Eve runs into Arro after just escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground. She had been experimented on for reasons unknown to her. Those experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her.

 

Arro brings Eve back to the Red Suns’ headquarters, where they take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to CHRIS. While everyone else wants to invade the Underground for a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years before.

 

Arro and Eve quickly develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking 15 years worth of social skills and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

The Red Suns planned to invade the Underground after several months of training. However, when the Red Suns’ leader is found dead, Chris takes charge immediately. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground… But not before battling several of their defenses.

 

Arro finally sees what Eve could do with her powers, and he realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before the threat of hallucinogenic gas causes her to be separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that through the chaos she produced to escape the Underground the first time, Eve had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the enemy and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her the Underground fed the Red Suns’ need for revenge because it gave them a reason to live. He says the Red Suns are a part of a bigger plan: they will be the ones who teach those below the surface how to survive once Underground reached its approaching extinction. He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. When hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.

 

I thought writing a synopsis was really tough, but this blog post totally helped a TON!

 

Basically, you fill in some blanks. She uses Star Wars IV as her example. I'm going to try to fill the blanks in (roughly) with what I gleaned from your current synopsis.

 

 

1. Opening image: An apocalyptic Earth where the surface is no longer livable. 

 

2. Protagonist intro: ARRO, a rebel fighting against the oppressive and corrupt Underground.

 

3. Inciting incident: Meeting EVE, an escaped experiment from the Underground.

 

4. Plot Point 1/First Turning Point: Arro brings Eve back to the rebel group, and they decide to use her to invade the Underground.

 

5. Conflicts and character encounters: CHRIS, the second-in-command (?) of the rebel group hopes to use Eve to find his kidnapped wife, who was taken to the Underground years earlier. Other interesting/quirky characters abound, presumably.

 

6. Midpoint: The rebels attack the Underground! Pew pew!

 

7. Winning seems imminent, but... Chris is a douche! He realizes Eve unknowingly killed his wife, and this realization causes him to go bonkers and turn against her and Arro.

 

8. Black moment: Arro and Eve are surrounded by Chris and a mob of angry rebels. They're about to totally bite the dust.

 

9. Climax: ??

 

10. Resolution: ??

 

11. Final image: ??

 

 

Even if the book is part of a series, the individual plot of that book should stand alone, as well as mesh into the overarching storyline. The ending shouldn't be abrupt, because the plot of this book needs to end before the plot of book #2 begins.

 

Consider Star Wars. In A New Hope, Luke begins the story as kind of a whiny little turd with no real purpose except to chill with his dumb friends. By the end, he's a hero of the Rebellion and a freakin' Jedi. His goal in the overall trilogy is to destroy the Empire, and in A New Hope he accomplishes a little piece of this goal by exploding the Death Star. By the time the movie is over, the audience feels a sense of closure even though we know it's not over: the Empire is still out there, being jerks, but at least Luke blew up the Death Star. He accomplished something.

 

It isn't imminently apparent from your synopsis where the payoff for reading this story lies. Even if you've got more to come, there needs to be some sense of closure about something, and I don't see any of that expressed in your synopsis. They don't defeat the antagonist, they don't eradicate the experiment, they uncover a conspiracy but don't do anything with their newly gleaned information. Or maybe they do some of that, it just isn't coming through in the synopsis. :)


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#6 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 02:08 AM

You guys are the best! Thank you so much for your input so far. I've edited mine, and now time to take a look at yours :) Here's round two. **OH also the ending is sort of abrupt because this is the first book in a trilogy. Probably should've mentioned that :)

 

The surface world that is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and cities lie in ruins. Only the best and the brightest are allowed to live in the Underground, an artificial paradise below the Earth's desolate surface. But on the night EVE and ARRO’s lives collide, hope reemerges.

 

Arro is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group on the earth’s surface whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground: A paradise below the Earth’s desolate surface where only the best and brightest are allowed to live. Eve runs into Arro after just escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground where sShe had been subject to  experimented on for reasons unknown to her. Those experiments that have given left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her. (I suggest to keep the details in the last sentence for later)

 

Arro brings Eve back to the Red Suns’ headquarters, where they take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to CHRIS. While everyone else wants to invade the Underground for a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken to by the Underground years agobefore.

 

Arro and Eve quickly develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking 15 years worth of social skills and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

The Red Suns planned to invade the Underground after several months of training. However, wWhen the Red Suns’ leader is found dead, Chris takes charge immediately (Why don't the Red Suns investigate? Did Chris cite lack of time and promised justice after the siege?). Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare,battling several of the Underground's defenses, the Red Suns make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground… But not before battling several of their defenses.

 

During the siege, Arro finally sees what Eve could do with her powers,. (period) and hHe realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before the threat of hallucinogenic gas causes her to be (Not needed) she gets separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that through in the chaos she produced (created or happened?) to escape the Underground the first time, Eve had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the enemy (who?) and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her the Underground fed the Red Suns’ need for revenge because it gave them (who?) a reason to live. He says that the Red Suns are sustained a part of a bigger plan: they will be the ones who to teach those below the surface how to survive once Underground reached its approaching extinction. He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world. (how?)

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. When hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.

 

Apologies for the multiple deletions.

I am a sucker for shortened and tightened writing.

 

Hope it helps :)



#7 dragoness

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 03:04 AM

I suppose you'd like to change your version according to the good suggestions you got here, so I'll wait for your next version and go over it.

 

(Meanwhile, if you'd like to take a look at my updated version, it's here: http://agentquerycon...ue/#entry334833 )

 

Thanks!



#8 AutumnL

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 11:00 AM

Thank you again so much for your input (punitrastogi, you are a rock star at tightening text! Thank you!). SRPasternack, I really really appreciate your feedback (and thanks for the link!) But I think I may have to disagree. The whole adventure this book takes the reader on is through the journey to the Underground, but I wanted this first book to be about character development because they were all coming from such different places. So although the book revolves around the journey to the Underground, it's more of an exciting backdrop to the changes going on inside the characters (yeah I know, cheesy). The characters are in a totally different place, and they are totally different people than at the start of the book.  I believe the black moment is when Eve is face to face with the leader of the Underground, her enemy for the past 15 years and she's totally powerless while Chris finds out what Eve did and Arro is unable to stop him. The climax is when Chris confronts her about this, and loyalties completely change. The resolution is when Eve doesn't kill Chris, but vows to let Chris kill her for what she's done, after she completes her life's mission. The final image is Arro and Eve taking off into whatever lies ahead, together. I may be totally off, but I think this kind of works (Feel free to argue with me! :)). Below is the latest version, pretty much the same layout but tightened up quite nicely thanks to your comments!

 

The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and cities lie in ruins. Only the best and the brightest are allowed to live in the Underground, an artificial paradise below the Earth's desolate surface.

 

Arro is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group on the earth’s surface whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. Eve runs into Arro after escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground where she had been experimented on for reasons unknown to her, leaving her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her.

 

The Red Suns take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to CHRIS. While everyone else wants a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years ago.

 

Arro and Eve develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking 15 years worth of social skills and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

When their leader is found dead, second-in-command Chris rules it as a suicide and takes charge immediately. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns and battling several of the Underground’s defenses, make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground.

 

During the siege, Arro sees what Eve can do with her powers. He realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before she gets separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that in the chaos she created to escape the Underground the first time, Eve had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the Underground army and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her that the Red Suns are sustained to teach those below the surface how to survive once Underground reached its approaching extinction. He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world by bringing resources back to the surface.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. When hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.



#9 SRPasternack

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 01:16 PM

Nah, I'm not going to argue with you. It's your story. :)

 

If you haven't already written a hook/logline/pitch for your story, I'd suggest doing that. I like to start with the logline, because it's super short and really forces you to cut cut cut until only the bones of the story are left. It's easier to write queries and synopses after you have a good pitch down, IMO. ^_^


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#10 AutumnL

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 02:54 PM

Nah, I'm not going to argue with you. It's your story. :)

 

If you haven't already written a hook/logline/pitch for your story, I'd suggest doing that. I like to start with the logline, because it's super short and really forces you to cut cut cut until only the bones of the story are left. It's easier to write queries and synopses after you have a good pitch down, IMO. ^_^

Haha I think I just needed to write that out for my own sake, so thanks for putting up with my comments :) And that's a great suggestion, I really appreciate it! I'm sure it's a sign that it would really help, because doing something like that sounds ridiculously challenging. Thanks again!



#11 dragoness

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 01:26 AM

I think this version is much better!

 

It's pretty clear, and fascinating.  :smile:

 

Are all the three commanders men? Why won't one of them be a women? I think Chauvinism doesn't fit a future world.

 

Here are several comments I still have:

 

The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and cities lie in ruins. Only the best and the brightest are allowed to live in the Underground, an artificial paradise below the Earth's desolate surface. (That's definitely clears everything!)

 

Arro is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group on the earth’s surface whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. (How can people live on the surface?) Eve runs into Arro after escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground where she had been experimented on for reasons unknown to her, leaving her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. (say who Eve is before you say she's running into Arro, and make the sentences shorter: "Eve, escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground where she had been experimented on for reasons unknown to her, runs into Arro. The experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire.") Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her. (good)

 

The Red Suns take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to second-in-command CHRIS (who he is should be clear here). While everyone else wants a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years ago.

 

Arro and Eve develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking fifteen 15 years worth of social skills, (comma) and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

When their leader is found dead, second-in-command Chris rules it as a suicide and takes charge immediately. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns and battling (?) several of the Underground’s defenses, make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground.

 

During the siege, Arro sees what Eve can do with her powers. He realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human. (I still like that...)

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before she gets separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that in the chaos Eve created to escape the Underground the first time, she had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the Underground army and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her that the Red Suns are sustained to teach those below the surface how to survive once Underground reached its approaching extinction. He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world by bringing resources back to the surface.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. When hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose. (Great!)

 

Could you look at my log-line? http://agentquerycon...tique/?p=334957



#12 AutumnL

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 09:15 AM

Thanks so much for your comments, dragoness! All super helpful! The original leader (the one who is murdered) is female (which I slipped in this version), I sgree it should've been mentioned before :)

 

The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and cities lie in ruins. Only the best and the brightest are allowed to live in the Underground, an artificial paradise below the Earth's desolate surface.

 

Arro is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group struggling to live on earth’s surface and whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. Eve, escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground where she had been experimented on for reasons unknown to her runs into Arro. The experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her.

 

The Red Suns take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to second-in-command CHRIS. While everyone else wants a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years ago.

 

Arro and Eve develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking fifteen years worth of social skills, and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

When their leader is found dead, Chris rules her death a suicide and takes charge immediately. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns, while battling several of the Underground’s defenses, make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground.

 

During the siege, Arro sees what Eve can do with her powers. He realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before she gets separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that in the chaos Eve created to escape the Underground the first time, she had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the Underground army and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her that the Red Suns are sustained to teach those below the surface how to survive once Underground reached its approaching extinction. He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world by bringing resources back to the surface.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. When hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.

 

Thanks so much again for looking at this! Also, any thoughts on this log line? 

A socially-inept experiment and her insecure soulmate fight through inner demons, corrupt leaders, and deadly creations for a chance at the life they deserve below the earth’s surface.



#13 KitCampbell

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Posted 25 February 2017 - 06:00 PM

Thanks so much for your comments, dragoness! All super helpful! The original leader (the one who is murdered) is female (which I slipped in this version), I sgree it should've been mentioned before :)

 

The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and cities lie in ruins. Only the best and the brightest are allowed to live in the Underground, an artificial paradise below the Earth's desolate surface.

 

Arro is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group struggling to live on earth’s surface and whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. Eve, escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground where she had been experimented on for reasons unknown to her, runs into Arro. The experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her. (I'm still a little confused about what happened here, how she turned the battle into escape.)

 

The Red Suns take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to second-in-command CHRIS. While everyone else wants a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years ago.

 

Arro and Eve develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking fifteen years worth of social skills, and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

When their leader is found dead, Chris rules her death a suicide and takes charge immediately. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns, while battling several of the Underground’s defenses, make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground.

 

During the siege, Arro sees what Eve can do with her powers. He realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before she gets separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that in the chaos Eve created to escape the Underground the first time, she had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the Underground army and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her that the Red Suns are sustained to teach those below the surface how to survive once the Underground reaches its approaching extinction. He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world by bringing resources back to the surface.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. When (While) hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. (Why does she try to kill the experiment? It seems like she'd feel some sort of bond, since she'd been an experiment as well) Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.

 

Thanks so much again for looking at this! Also, any thoughts on this log line? 

A socially-inept experiment and her insecure soulmate fight through inner demons, corrupt leaders, and deadly creations for a chance at the life they deserve below the earth’s surface.

I'm terrible at loglines so I'm no help there, but it looks pretty good to me!



#14 dragoness

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Posted 26 February 2017 - 03:06 AM

I think it's excellent!

 

(My eyes are not fresh anymore, though...)

 

Few last comments:

 

The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and cities lie in ruins. Only the best and the brightest are allowed to live in the Underground, an artificial paradise below the Earth's desolate surface.

 

Arro is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group struggling to live on earth’s surface and whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. (where do they live meanwhile?) Eve, escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground where she had been experimented on for reasons unknown to her, (comma) runs into Arro. The experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her.

 

The Red Suns take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to second-in-command CHRIS. While everyone else wants a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years ago.

 

Arro and Eve develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking fifteen years worth of social skills, and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

When their leader is found dead, Chris rules her death a suicide and takes charge immediately. (good) Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns, while battling several of the Underground’s defenses, make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground.

 

During the siege, Arro sees what Eve can do with her powers. He realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before she gets separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that in the chaos Eve created to escape the Underground the first time, she had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the Underground army and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her that the Red Suns are sustained to teach those below the surface how to survive once Underground reached its approaching extinction. He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world by bringing resources back to the surface.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. When hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.

 

Thanks so much again for looking at this! Also, any thoughts on this log line? 

A socially-inept experiment and her insecure soulmate fight through inner demons, corrupt leaders, and deadly creations for a chance at the life they deserve below the earth’s surface. (it's seems to me too abstract and too long. What about something like: "To save life on earth, socially-inept Eve and her soulmate must fight not only corrupt monsters, but also their inner demons"?)



#15 perpetual

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Posted 03 April 2017 - 07:55 AM

Thanks so much for your comments, dragoness! All super helpful! The original leader (the one who is murdered) is female (which I slipped in this version), I sgree it should've been mentioned before :)

 

The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and cities lie in ruins. Only the best and the brightest are allowed to live in the Underground, an artificial paradise below the Earth's desolate surface.

 

Arro capitalize is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group struggling to live on earth’s surface and whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. Eve all caps, escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground where she had been was experimented on for reasons unknown to her runs into Arro. The experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her.  I would do em-dash after Underground. so: Underground--battle another experiment like her. The rest of the sentence feels repetitive. 

 

The Red Suns take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to second-in-command CHRIS. While everyone else wants a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years ago.

 

Arro and Eve develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking fifteen years worth of social skills, and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

When their leader is found dead, Chris rules her death a suicide and takes charge immediately. Shady. haha Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns, while battling several of the Underground’s defenses, make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground.

 

During the siege, Arro sees what Eve can do with her powers. How come he didn't see it before? He realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before she gets separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that in the chaos Eve created to escape the Underground the first time, she had killed his wife. Uh-oh!!!! Was that the other experiment she battled?

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the Underground army and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her that the Red Suns are sustained to teach those below the surface how to survive once Underground reached its approaching extinction. He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world by bringing resources back to the surface.

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, I KNEW IT! it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. While in hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. Which is...? A bit unclear. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, A bit unclear on this too? but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.

 

Thanks so much again for looking at this! Also, any thoughts on this log line? 

A socially-inept experiment and her insecure soulmate fight through inner demons, corrupt leaders, and deadly creations for a chance at the life they deserve below the earth’s surface. Sounds good to me :)

 

Sorry for the delay in this! This is my return crit for your thoughts on June Bug :)


Query: Click here.

Synopsis: Click here.


#16 npstanford

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 05:04 PM

 

The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and cities lie in ruins. Only the best and the brightest are allowed to live in the Underground, an artificial paradise below the Earth's desolate surface.  //One small nit of confusion here. I initially assumed from  your description that the surface was inhabitable. 

 

Arro is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group struggling to live on earth’s surface and whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. Eve, escaping from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground where she had been experimented on for reasons unknown to her runs into Arro. //this sentence itself is a bit awkward. Maybe rephrase it to say Arro runs into Eve, a 15 year old girl escaping from... The experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, // is there a way to give us some indication of *why* she is ready to help? Is it because of the horrible experiments that she wants to take down the underground? or is it that she has a big heart? she is haunted by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her. // for concision, I think you can combine this with previous sentence as: "but she is haunted by her brutal destruction of another experiment *just like her* during her escape. She tells herself she had no choice, but she isn't so sure.

 

The Red Suns take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to second-in-command CHRIS. While everyone else wants a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years ago.

 

Arro and Eve develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking fifteen years worth of social skills, and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come, their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

When their leader is found dead, Chris rules her death a suicide and takes charge immediately. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns, while battling several of the Underground’s defenses, make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground. // rephrase to; "The Red Suns battle their way through the sewers to the entrance of the underground"

 

During the siege, Arro sees what Eve can do with her powers. He realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human. // Maybe "Arro sees the extent of Eve's powers and realizes that she doesn't need his physical protection, but she needs his support to keep her humanity. 

 

When they make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before she gets separated from him and Chris. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room, where they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that in the chaos Eve created to escape the Underground the first time, she had killed his wife. // Chris discovers that Eve killed his wife during her escape. 

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the Underground army and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with the leader of the Underground. He tells her that the Red Suns are sustained to teach those below the surface how to survive once Underground reached its approaching extinction. //uh... I read this a few times and am still not sure what it means. Might want to make it clearer even if you have to make it longer :-) He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world by bringing resources back to the surface. 

 

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. When hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment she faced in the Underground battle // that she fought during her initial escape being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape. //I think previous sentences would be clearer if you mention things in this order: 1) chris finds her 2) she injures chris 3) she says he can kill her after she finishes her purpose 4) she escapes With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose. //I think you need to set up "where things are at" more. E.g. what is the status of Red Suns vs The Undergroudn? Is the udnerground defeated? Is there chaos or order now? Eve's purpose is to restore the elments on the surface, but how is she supposed to do that? It sounds like she knows? What is her plan? 

 

 

I think your synopsis is pretty solid! Just the last paragraph seems like it needs more work. I think you have all the right content and plotlines in the earlier parts of the synopsis, but it's probably worth going through with a microscope and looking for ways to 1) condense sentences and 2) make sentences clearer (I pointed out a few places things were worded unclearly).

 

All in all though I think you're really close to being done! If you have some time, I'd appreciate it you could look at mine: http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/



#17 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 17 April 2017 - 10:50 AM

Nice idea. I think the story resolves itself when Eve discovers that her powers can be used for a noble purpose, even if they are the result of experiments on her performed against her will. You need to work on this to sharpen it up and bring out this very nice conflict and resolution more clearly.

 

Perhaps you could review my synopsis, RIVER PLATE BASIN. 

 

 

The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable (Confusing. Since people live on the surface, the air must be breathable. How about 'toxic.'), and cities lie in ruins. Only those that someone considers to be the best and the brightest are allowed to live in the Underground, an artificial paradise below the Earth's desolate (we already got the picture about the) surface.

 

Arro (I think the standard is to use all caps the first time a character is mentioned.) is a member of the Red Suns, a rebel group struggling to live on earth’s surface. and whose Their mission is to infiltrate the Underground. Eve, escapesing from a 15-year Underground imprisonment, in the Underground where she had been her captors experimented on her, for reasons unknown to her and meets runs into Arro (caps). The experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is one particular  experience hauntsed her.  by what she had to do to escape the Underground. Eve had been forced to battle another with powers experiment  (One cannot battle an experiment. You can do battle with someone that has been experimented on.) like hers, but seeing it was her only chance for to escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her. (Devastation? With the earth's surface like you describe it, and the Underground a paradise, the word choice is confusing. You also need to explain why this experience is so haunting. ) 

 

The Red Suns take Eve’s arrival as a sign to start preparations to invade the Underground. Eve is also introduced to second-in-command CHRIS Who is the first-in-command?. While everyone else wants a chance at a better life, Chris only wants to find his wife, who was taken by the Underground years ago.

 

Arro and Eve develop feelings for each other. To Arro, Eve is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something. To Eve, Arro’s kindness and understanding makes her feel more accepted than ever before. But with Eve lacking fifteen years worth of social skills, and Arro waiting for the right moment that won’t come The right moment for what? This is good, but I think you need to be less subtle in a synopsis. , their relationship takes a back seat to the upcoming invasion.

 

When their leader is found dead, Chris rules her death a suicide and immediately takes charge immediately. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate. and bBefore anyone (Not clear if this refers to the Underground or the Red Suns.)  has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns, while battling several of the Underground’s defenses, make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground.

 

During the siege, Arro sees what Eve can do with her powers. He realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

 

When they make it to the Underground, (The sequence does not seem right. The siege happen in the previous sentence, but they make it to the Underground in this one.) Arro confesses his love to Eve. Right afterward before she getis separated from him and Chris, who. Arro and Chris stumble upon the Underground’s Records Room., where There they are surprised to find records on everyone they know. Chris finds out that in the chaos Eve created to escape the Underground the first time, she had killed his wife.

 

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the Underground army and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with their leader of the Underground. He tells her that the Red Suns are sustained to teach those below the surface how to survive above ground when the once Underground reacheds its approaching extinction (Strange word choice. People, plants, and animals can become extinct. I don't think places can.) He explains to her that she was not created for evil, but was a last ditch effort to restore balance to the natural world by bringing resources back to the surface.

 

She agrees to work with the leader of the Underground him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills him. Chris turns the crowd against Eve by telling them she killed his wife. Even when Arro appears with the record What record? Is this from the Record Room? I thought that was only for what went on Underground The leader died on the surface. proving Chris killed the leader of the Red Suns, it’s not enough to gain allies. Why? Seems compelling.

 

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. Whenile hiding, Eve stumbles upon the experiment opponent she faced before escaping in the Underground. She was battle being kept alive by machines. She tries to destroy the experiment, her and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve promises Chris that he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first What purpose is that?. She leaves Chris injured enough to allow an escape Whose escape?. With Arro by her side, Eve looks at the future with confidence. She is worried about what she left behind, but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.



#18 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 18 April 2017 - 10:31 AM

I've been spending so much time on my query that I've neglected the synopsis. Not that I knew how to in the first place, mind you. It's hard condensing your story in the first place.

I like this; that's honestly the best 'critique' I can give. It's succinct. Would really appreciate it if you could give mine a once over; I'd really like to get this right!

JJW

*** Thank you SO much for taking the time to look over my synopsis (these are so hard to write!). Please be kind but honest and I promise to return the favor! ***

On the night EVE and ARRO’s lives collide, hope reemerges. Arro is a Red Sun, a rebel group on the earth’s surface whose mission is to infiltrate the Underground. The Underground is a paradise below the Earth’s surface where only the best and brightest are allowed to live. However, the Red Sun's mission is far from completion. The surface world is no longer safe for humans. All natural resources have been used up, the air is unbreathable, and the Red Suns can only survive if they serve the Underground.

Eve has escaped from a 15-year imprisonment in the Underground. She had been experimented on by the Underground’s leader, IAM, for reasons unknown to her. Those experiments left her with the ability to control earth, wind, and fire. Although ready to help those left on the surface, she is haunted by her escape. Eve had been forced to battle another experiment like her, but seeing it as her only chance for escape, she fought her way to the surface and left devastation behind her. Arro brings Eve back to the Red Suns headquarters, where the COMMANDER and his friend/leader, CHRIS see her as the opportunity they’ve been waiting for.

Eve isn't used to kindness or holding back her emotions. When Arro takes her under his wing, she makes it clear that she believes he is her soulmate. Although Arro feels something for Eve, who is the only person who looks at him like he is worth something, he finds her abruptness overwhelming.

As she becomes accustomed to life with the Red Suns, Eve’s new perspective on the issues that face the surface world causes Arro to rethink truths he's held his whole life. When a question about the Red Sun’s use of oxygen tanks leads Arro outside, he discovers the air has become breathable. This revelation makes the commander ready to start preparations for the Red Sun’s attack on the Underground. They go to seek allies in nearby rebel groups, only to find that their allies never actually existed. They are just another lie invented by the Underground.

The news rattles the commander, who is found dead the next morning. Her death is ruled a suicide. Chris takes charge immediately, which makes Eve suspect foul play in the commander’s death. This leads Arro to share Chris’ tragic past and how reaching his wife, who was taken into the Underground several years earlier, was the only thing that gave his life meaning. Arro asks Eve what gave her life meaning during her time in the Underground. She replies that she wanted to pay forward the love she received from strangers throughout her childhood on the surface.

The conversation makes Arro realize his feelings for Eve, but he can't think of a right time to tell her. Plans to infiltrate the Underground accelerate and before anyone has enough time to prepare, the Red Suns make their way through the sewers to the entrance of the Underground… But not before battling several of the Underground’s defenses. When Arro sees what Eve could do with her powers, he realizes she will never need his protection, but he can be the one who keeps her human.

When they finally make it to the Underground, Arro confesses his love to Eve before the threat of hallucinogenic gas causes her to be separated from him and Chris. Eve deals with the loss of her soulmate while searching for the entrance to the Underground’s controls through an Underground room full of mountains and streams. Arro and Chris search for the same thing through a room of dense jungle. It doesn't take long for Chris to abandon Arro to continue on by himself.

While wandering, Arro meets a family who also wants to rebel against the Underground and they help him get on the right path to the controls. He is reunited with Chris in the process, who then forces him to take a detour to the Underground’s Records Room. There, Chris finds out that through the chaos she produced to escape the Underground the first time, Eve had killed his wife.

Meanwhile, Eve has been cornered by the enemy and knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is alone with IAM. He tells her why he set up the ruse of the other rebel groups and the air quality; it was to keep the only survivors not only safe but also motivated to live. He explained to her that she was not created for evil, but to restore balance to the natural world before the Underground reached its approaching extinction.

She agrees to work with him, but before they have the chance to convince the remaining Red Suns, Chris appears and kills IAM. Chris almost turns the crowd against Eve by telling them what she did when Arro appears with the commander's record. He had found that the commander had been killed by Chris. Chris, however, spins it around, saying he had to kill the commander because Eve had left her as good as dead.

Eve and Arro barely escape with their lives. They find a room to hide in, and Eve is shocked to discover the experiment she faced in the Underground battle being kept alive by machines. She wants to destroy the experiment herself, and she nearly succeeds when Chris finds her. Eve escapes narrowly, promising Chris he’ll have his chance to kill her, but she has to fulfill her purpose first. Eve meets up with Arro in the jungle room, worried about what she left behind but ready to use her gifts for their intended purpose.






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