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THE LAST LAW OF KAZA Pitch Madness 35-words

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#1 Cez

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 04:00 AM

This is my first try at writing a pitch. I'd appreciate some help.

 

In an empire where women are forbidden to rule, sixteen-year-old Olesya defies the law by entering a tournament that will decide the future tsar, only to fall in love with her biggest rival.



#2 Nonicks

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 05:19 AM

Yep, it works for me. I think it could be even better if you tell us who her biggest rival is, but if you've reached the word limit, it's fine the way it is now. 



#3 SRPasternack

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 12:38 PM

In an empire where women are forbidden to rule, sixteen-year-old Olesya defies the law by entering a tournament that will decide the future tsar, only to fall in love with her biggest rival.

 

I like to set up my loglines with the following critera: an interesting character with a passion, an incident that affects the character, a risky/difficult goal for the character, something/someone in the way of that goal, and a risk of disaster expressed in terms of the previously stated passion.

 

Interesting character: Olesya, who is interesting because she's bucking tradition and defying laws. You go girl!

 

Incident: Hmmm the tournament? But what prompts her to enter the tournament is probably the "incident."

 

Risk/difficult goal: Winning a tournament against the odds.

 

Something/someone in the way: Her rival, but specifically, falling in love with her rival.

 

Risk of disaster: Losing the tournament? I don't really see much of a disaster here, actually, unless she's hopelessly in love with her rival and s/he still wants to kill her. That's a disaster for sure. But if the rival returns her feelings, then what would be the worst thing that would happen if she lost the tournament? Her rival would win, they'd hook up and be in love, badda bing.

 

Another story with love and tournaments: A Knight's Tale with Heath Ledger as the knight. His character is similar to Olesya because they're both participating in a tournament illegally. The risk for him, is if someone finds out he's not noble, he'll be arrested and punished in the medieval fashion (painfully and probably with plague somewhere). There's a romantic subplot, but it's independent of the true plot's passion and disaster. If the romantic subplot got deleted, we'd still have meaningful conflict.

 

I think this logline could work, because it gives the reader a great insight into Olesya's character already, and sets up the conflict and antagonist. I don't know what genre this is (besides fiction), but since the disaster is love related, my assumption is that it's romance? If it's a romance, then you've got your stakes. If not, then I wonder what the stakes are if she fails to win the tournament, or if she's discovered participating.


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#4 ViviMont

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 02:09 PM

I agree. For once, I have no suggestions, I think it's great the way it is. 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#5 DV77

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 02:39 PM

Soz for being late to the party after you looked at mine but yeah, like everyone else said this is ready to go.







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