Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

ANYA KOZLOVA AND THE DRAGON (UMG fantasy) -- will return crits!

Fiction Fantasy Middle Grade

  • Please log in to reply
13 replies to this topic

#1 SRPasternack

SRPasternack

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 56 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest

Posted 21 February 2017 - 12:15 PM

New version in post #12!

 

This clocks in at 484 words, and what I hear is a synopsis is generally supposed to be below 500. Right? Eh who knows. Thanks for taking a look!! Leave a link in a comment so I can critique yours. :)

 

***

 

Life in fairytale Russia isn’t all magic and adventure. For one, magic use has been outlawed, and two, the citizens of Russia are too busy trying to make a living to go on any adventures, thank you very much.

 

Twelve-year-old goatherd ANYA KOZLOVA is having a bad day. To start, it’s almost her birthday, and the first one ever that her father won’t be there for. He’s been conscripted, and is in Tartary fighting against the Saracens. To make matters worse, she comes home from a day of chasing her pet goat to discover the corrupt village magistrate is trying to sell her home to well-to-do associates of the Tsar. The only way she can prevent being evicted is to pay him 250 rubles within 30 days.

 

Fortunately for Anya, there’s a dragon in the area. The Tsar has issued a bounty for the dragon: 1,000 rubles for its capture. Determined to catch the dragon and pay off the magistrate, Anya enlists her friend IVAN’s help, and they set traps for the dragon. The dragon follows Anya home, and she sees it chasing chickens in her barn before it flees into the night.

 

Encouraged by the dragon’s appearance, Anya and Ivan step up their pursuit. But a Viking arrives in the village with a sinister message: interfere with his hunt of the dragon, and die. To complicate matters further, Anya meets the nightmarish BABA YAGA in the forest, and the old witch is also searching for the dragon.

 

Anya and Ivan interfere with the Viking too many times, so he makes good on his threat. Anya and Ivan are saved from the Viking’s deadly trap by a surprising ally: the dragon, named HÅKON. Anya and Ivan know they can’t turn Håkon over to certain death at the Tsar’s hands. After all, he saved their lives, plus Anya’s goat likes him. They formulate a plan: trick the Viking into leaving and help Håkon return home.

 

But before they can execute the plan, the Viking finds the trio and takes Håkon, intending to use the dragon’s blood for an enchantment. In her desperation, Anya seeks help from Baba Yaga in the swamp, and the witch gives Anya a surefire way to kill the Viking—if she can catch him in time. Atop cliffs at the edge of town, Anya and the Viking face off, but Anya is unable to bring herself to use Baba Yaga’s weapon to kill the Viking. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to: Anya’s goat followed her, and he butts the Viking off the cliff.

 

Ivan finds a loophole in the magistrate’s tax claim, and with his father, they contest Anya’s family’s eviction. She gets the best birthday gift ever: a letter from her father. Together with Ivan, Håkon, and her goat, Anya goes to her favorite spot, a waterfall near the village, and enjoys the sunset in the company of her new friends.


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#2 AutumnL

AutumnL

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Not published yet, but hoping to be one day!

Posted 21 February 2017 - 07:49 PM

Life in fairytale Russia isn’t all magic and adventure. For one, magic use has been outlawed, and two, the citizens of Russia Russians are too busy trying to make a living to go on any adventures, thank you very much.

 

Twelve-year-old goatherd ANYA KOZLOVA is having a bad day. To start, it’s almost her birthday, and the first one ever that her father won’t be there for. He’s been conscripted, and is in Tartary fighting against the Saracens. To make matters worse, she comes home from a day of chasing her pet goat to discover the corrupt village magistrate is trying to sell her home to well-to-do associates of the Tsar. The only way she can prevent being evicted is to pay him 250 rubles within 30 days.

 

Fortunately for Anya, there’s a dragon in the area (Village? City? I feel like area is broad). The Tsar has issued a bounty for the dragon: 1,000 rubles for its capture. Determined to catch the dragon and pay off the magistrate, Anya enlists her friend IVAN’s help, and they set traps for the dragon. The dragon follows Anya home (Is it normal for dragons to follow people home? Is this an unusual occurrence?), and she sees it chasing chickens in her barn before it flees into the night.

 

Encouraged by the dragon’s appearance, Anya and Ivan step up their pursuit. But a Viking arrives in the village with a sinister message: interfere with his hunt of the dragon, and die (Why? What do they want the dragon for?). To complicate matters further, Anya meets the nightmarish BABA YAGA in the forest, and the old witch is also searching for the dragon (why is she searching for it?).

 

Anya and Ivan interfere with the Viking one too many times, so he makes good on his threat. Anya and Ivan are saved from the Viking’s deadly trap by a surprising ally: the dragon, named HÅKON. Anya and Ivan know they can’t turn Håkon over to certain death at the Tsar’s hands. After all, he saved their lives, plus Anya’s goat likes him. They formulate a plan: trick the Viking into leaving and help Håkon return home.

 

But before they can execute the plan, the Viking finds the trio and takes Håkon, intending to use the dragon’s blood for an enchantment. In her desperation, Anya seeks help from Baba Yaga in the swamp, and the witch gives Anya a surefire way to kill the Viking—if she can catch him in time. Atop cliffs at the edge of town, Anya and the Viking face off, but Anya is unable to bring herself to use Baba Yaga’s weapon to kill the Viking. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to: Anya’s goat followed her, and he butts the Viking off the cliff.

 

Ivan finds a loophole in the magistrate’s tax claim, and with his father, they contest Anya’s family’s eviction. She gets the best birthday gift ever: a letter from her father. Together with Ivan, Håkon, and her goat, Anya goes to her favorite spot, a waterfall near the village, and enjoys the sunset in the company of her new friends. (Good ending! But didn't the magistrate want the dragon dead? What changed his mind?)

 

Sounds like a great story (And funny!). You did an awesome job condesing, so good that I almost want just a few more details. Other than that though, it's awesome! Oh and mine is THE UNDERGROUND, I'd love if you could take a look!



#3 SRPasternack

SRPasternack

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 56 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest

Posted 21 February 2017 - 11:29 PM

 

Life in fairytale Russia isn’t all magic and adventure. For one, magic use has been outlawed, and two, the citizens of Russia Russians I was thinking about naming the specific village Anya is from here. Saying "the residents of the riverside village Zmeyreka" but I didn't know if that was weirdly specific are too busy trying to make a living to go on any adventures, thank you very much.

 

Twelve-year-old goatherd ANYA KOZLOVA is having a bad day. To start, it’s almost her birthday, and the first one ever that her father won’t be there for. He’s been conscripted, and is in Tartary fighting against the Saracens. To make matters worse, she comes home from a day of chasing her pet goat to discover the corrupt village magistrate is trying to sell her home to well-to-do associates of the Tsar. The only way she can prevent being evicted is to pay him 250 rubles within 30 days.

 

Fortunately for Anya, there’s a dragon in the area (Village? City? I feel like area is broad). The Tsar has issued a bounty for the dragon: 1,000 rubles for its capture. Determined to catch the dragon and pay off the magistrate, Anya enlists her friend IVAN’s help, and they set traps for the dragon. The dragon follows Anya home (Is it normal for dragons to follow people home? Is this an unusual occurrence?) good point! I forgot to include in this synopsis that dragons were assumed extinct, and she sees it chasing chickens in her barn before it flees into the night.

 

Encouraged by the dragon’s appearance, Anya and Ivan step up their pursuit. But a Viking arrives in the village with a sinister message: interfere with his hunt of the dragon, and die (Why? What do they want the dragon for?) The Viking is a famous dragonslayer back in Scandinavia, but he has a personal beef with this particular dragon and wants to use his blood to enchant some things. To complicate matters further, Anya meets the nightmarish BABA YAGA in the forest, and the old witch is also searching for the dragon (why is she searching for it?) no one knows. Baba Yaga doesn't share her business with anyone.

 

Anya and Ivan interfere with the Viking one too many times, so he makes good on his threat. Anya and Ivan are saved from the Viking’s deadly trap by a surprising ally: the dragon, named HÅKON. Anya and Ivan know they can’t turn Håkon over to certain death at the Tsar’s hands. After all, he saved their lives, plus Anya’s goat likes him. They formulate a plan: trick the Viking into leaving and help Håkon return home.

 

But before they can execute the plan, the Viking finds the trio and takes Håkon, intending to use the dragon’s blood for an enchantment. In her desperation, Anya seeks help from Baba Yaga in the swamp, and the witch gives Anya a surefire way to kill the Viking—if she can catch him in time. Atop cliffs at the edge of town, Anya and the Viking face off, but Anya is unable to bring herself to use Baba Yaga’s weapon to kill the Viking. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to: Anya’s goat followed her, and he butts the Viking off the cliff.

 

Ivan finds a loophole in the magistrate’s tax claim, and with his father, they contest Anya’s family’s eviction. She gets the best birthday gift ever: a letter from her father. Together with Ivan, Håkon, and her goat, Anya goes to her favorite spot, a waterfall near the village, and enjoys the sunset in the company of her new friends. (Good ending! But didn't the magistrate want the dragon dead? What changed his mind?) The Tsar wants the dragon! the magistrate just wants money. And no one in the village except Anya and Ivan know about the dragon.

 

Sounds like a great story (And funny!). You did an awesome job condesing, so good that I almost want just a few more details. Other than that though, it's awesome! Oh and mine is THE UNDERGROUND, I'd love if you could take a look! Thanks! Condensing was HARD! I'll go take a look at yours ASAP. :)

 


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#4 KitCampbell

KitCampbell

    Occasionally considering octopus husbandry

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 186 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:Three novels published through Turtleduck Press, short stories all over the place. Readying to dip my toes back into the agent search pool.

Posted 22 February 2017 - 09:36 AM

This clocks in at 484 words, and what I hear is a synopsis is generally supposed to be below 500. Right? Eh who knows. Thanks for taking a look!! Leave a link in a comment so I can critique yours. :)

 

***

 

Life in fairytale Russia isn’t all magic and adventure. For one, magic use has been outlawed, and two, the citizens of Russia are too busy trying to make a living to go on any adventures, thank you very much.

 

Twelve-year-old goatherd ANYA KOZLOVA is having a bad day. To start, it’s almost her birthday, and the first one ever that her father won’t be there for. He’s been conscripted, and is in Tartary fighting against the Saracens. To make matters worse, she comes home from a day of chasing her pet goat to discover the corrupt village magistrate is trying to sell her home to well-to-do associates of the Tsar. The only way she can prevent being evicted is to pay him 250 rubles within 30 days. (I feel like there's an unnecessary amount of transitions right at the very beginning--"For one," "To start," "To make matters worse")

 

Fortunately for Anya, there’s a dragon in the area. The Tsar has issued a bounty for the dragon: 1,000 rubles for its capture. Determined to catch the dragon and pay off the magistrate, Anya enlists her friend IVAN’s help, and they set traps for the dragon. The dragon follows Anya home, and she sees it chasing chickens in her barn before it flees into the night.

 

Encouraged by the dragon’s appearance, Anya and Ivan step up their pursuit. But a Viking arrives in the village with a sinister message: interfere with his hunt of the dragon, and die. To complicate matters further, Anya meets the nightmarish BABA YAGA in the forest, and the old witch is also searching for the dragon.

 

Anya and Ivan interfere with the Viking too many times, so he makes good on his threat. Anya and Ivan are saved from the Viking’s deadly trap by a surprising ally: the dragon, named HÅKON. Anya and Ivan know they can’t turn Håkon over to certain death at the Tsar’s hands. After all, he saved their lives, plus Anya’s goat likes him. (Awww.) They formulate a plan: trick the Viking into leaving and help Håkon return home.

 

But before they can execute the plan, the Viking finds the trio and takes Håkon, intending to use the dragon’s blood for an enchantment. In her desperation, Anya seeks help from Baba Yaga in the swamp, and the witch gives Anya a surefire way to kill the Viking—if she can catch him in time. Atop cliffs at the edge of town, Anya and the Viking face off, but Anya is unable to bring herself to use Baba Yaga’s weapon to kill the Viking. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to: Anya’s goat followed her, and he butts the Viking off the cliff.

 

Ivan finds a loophole in the magistrate’s tax claim, and with his father, they contest Anya’s family’s eviction. She gets the best birthday gift ever: a letter from her father. Together with Ivan, Håkon, and her goat, Anya goes to her favorite spot, a waterfall near the village, and enjoys the sunset in the company of her new friends.

Why was Baba Yaga searching for the dragon, and why does she help Anya if, in theory, they're at cross purposes? Also, while I can understand not handing Hakon over after he's proved to be a friend, but does Anya not worry at the point about how she'll keep her home?



#5 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 253 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 23 February 2017 - 02:24 AM

I love it! The story is unique and charming, and your voice is funny and attaching!  :smile:

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

Life in fairytale Russia (that wasn't clear to me) isn’t all magic and adventure. For one, magic use has been outlawed, and two, the citizens of Russia are too busy trying to make a living to go on any adventures, thank you very much.

 

Twelve-year-old goatherd ANYA KOZLOVA is having a bad day. To start, it’s almost her birthday, and the first one ever that her father won’t be there for. He’s been conscripted, and is in Tartary fighting against the Saracens. To make matters worse, she comes home from a day of chasing her pet goat to discover the corrupt village magistrate is trying to sell her home to well-to-do associates of the Tsar. The only way she and her helpless mother (unless there's no mother, winch should be mentioned) can prevent being evicted is to pay him a fortune of (otherwise it doesn't sound much) 250 rubles within 30 days.

 

Fortunately for Anya, there’s a dragon in the area. The Tsar has issued a bounty for the dragon: 1,000 rubles for its capture. Determined to catch the dragon and pay off the magistrate, Anya enlists her friend IVAN’s help, and they set traps for the dragon. The dragon follows Anya home, and she sees it chasing chickens in her barn before it flees into the night.

 

Encouraged by the dragon’s appearance, Anya and Ivan step up their pursuit. But a Viking arrives in the village with a sinister message: interfere with his hunt of the dragon, and die. To complicate matters further, Anya meets the nightmarish BABA YAGA in the forest, and the old witch is also searching for the dragon.

 

Anya and Ivan interfere with the Viking too many times, so he makes good on his threat. Anya and Ivan are saved from the Viking’s deadly trap by a surprising ally: the dragon, named HÅKON (Don't you better give the dragon a name without letters the English reader isn't familiar with? His name is confusing when we see it, and we don't know how it's supposed to sound). Anya and Ivan The friends (three times mentioning their names in the same line is too much) know they can’t turn Håkon over to certain death at the Tsar’s hands. After all, he saved their lives, plus Anya’s goat likes him. They formulate a plan: trick the Viking into leaving and help Håkon return home.

 

But before they can execute the plan, the Viking finds the trio and takes Håkon, intending to use the dragon’s blood for an enchantment. In her desperation, Anya seeks help from Baba Yaga in the swamp, and the witch gives Anya a surefire way to kill the Viking—if she can catch him in time. Atop cliffs at the edge of town, Anya and the Viking face off, but Anya is unable to bring herself to use Baba Yaga’s weapon to kill the Viking. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to: Anya’s goat followed her, and he butts the Viking off the cliff. (it's too easy, having someone else doing the dirty work for you. I think you better reduce it to: "Atop cliffs at the edge of town, Anya and the Viking face off, and the Viking is killed")

 

Ivan finds a loophole in the magistrate’s tax claim, and with his father, they contest Anya’s family’s eviction (again, someone else is doing the hard work for her. It's a Deus-Ex-Machina solution, and it frustrates the reader because the hero doesn't have to solve his problems, unlike us. Maybe they can show that the magistrates had no right to evict her in the first place?) She gets the best birthday gift ever: a letter from her father. Together with Ivan, Håkon, and her goat, Anya goes to her favorite spot, a waterfall near the village, and enjoys the sunset in the company of her new friends. (nice ending)

Good luck!

 

I'd be happy if you'd like to take a look at my synopsis and log-line: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#6 SRPasternack

SRPasternack

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 56 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest

Posted 23 February 2017 - 02:14 PM

Why was Baba Yaga searching for the dragon, and why does she help Anya if, in theory, they're at cross purposes? Also, while I can understand not handing Hakon over after he's proved to be a friend, but does Anya not worry at the point about how she'll keep her home?

 

Thanks for the comments! You're right about too many transitions, so I deleted a couple. Reads much better. :)

 

As for why Baba Yaga is looking for the dragon... Baba Yaga never says why. They all assume she's looking for the dragon because, well, he's a dragon, and magical, and she's a witch, and magical, and she's got magic witch things she could do with him. :D

 

Anya does worry about her home. Things in the actual MS kind of go fast and crazy after Anya and Ivan pair up with the dragon, and they don't get a real chance to take a breather until after the Viking is dead. At that point, without the threat of the Viking distracting them, Ivan has a eureka moment and figures out a way to solve Anya's problem.


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#7 SRPasternack

SRPasternack

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 56 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest

Posted 23 February 2017 - 02:34 PM

I love it! The story is unique and charming, and your voice is funny and attaching!  :smile:

 

Here are my detailed comments:

Good luck!

 

I'd be happy if you'd like to take a look at my synopsis and log-line: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/

 

I've been trying to find a way to let the reader know 250 rubles is a ton of money, and I think you just solved my problem! I might be borrowing that, if you don't mind... :)

 

The å transliterated into English is just aa. So instead of being Håkon, he would be Haakon. But Haakon isn't as fun as Håkon! Look at that loopy-A! How can I get rid of that!? *cries* *clings to Å* *I'll never let go*

 

In the original draft, Anya was the one who pushed the Viking off the cliff, but I didn't like it. It made her too dark a character, and I didn't want to be faced with having to incorporate her PTSD over murdering someone into a kid's story (because if she DIDN'T have PTSD, that would make her a psychopath and I also don't want one of those as a protagonist). I tried several versions with several different mechanisms of Viking death (Ivan does it, or the Viking trips and falls, and so on) but none of them seemed right, or seemed too convenient. The goat being the one to butt him made sense, because the goat is there anyway, he's been head butting things the entire story, and he doesn't have to sit there and reflect upon the monstrous act he's done. I do agree that in the synopsis, the goat doing it seems very convenient, but I think that's just a writing failure on my part. I need to phrase it better.

 

Thanks for the comments! I'll head over to your synopsis post haste! ^_^


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#8 anathebookworm

anathebookworm

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 167 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationSouth America

Posted 23 February 2017 - 05:59 PM

Awww, this sounds like such a delightful story! I liked it when I read your query, but after reading this...AWWW. I love dragons very much, and you reminded me so much of How to Train Your Dragon that I can't help but love it.

 

My only comment is - what happened to Baba Yaga? She just disappeared from your story. What will she do to Anya when she learns the girl is keeping the dragon safe? Why doesn't she go after the dragon? In short - what happened to her? I kept wondering this.

 

Aside from this comment, your writing is excellent! I wish you luck in finding an agent for this book, :-)

 

Also, if you have the time, can you check my synopsis? I recently tried to re-write it, and it probably sucks now hahah... http://agentquerycon...turn-the-favor/



#9 SRPasternack

SRPasternack

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 56 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest

Posted 23 February 2017 - 07:39 PM

 

My only comment is - what happened to Baba Yaga? She just disappeared from your story. What will she do to Anya when she learns the girl is keeping the dragon safe? Why doesn't she go after the dragon? In short - what happened to her? I kept wondering this.

 

Wow, thanks so much for the kind comments!

 

I wrote this story (and the sequels) based on Russian folklore and fairy tales. In the folklore, Baba Yaga shows up, does some crazy shit, and then just leaves without explanation. She might grant you a wish, or she might kill and eat you, or she might just throw dismembered hands at you. It depends on her mood, and whether or not you're polite. I tried to bring that into this story and make Baba Yaga hard to find, a little crazy, definitely scary, but inexplicably helpful. She knows Anya has the dragon, and that's where she wanted it. So she takes off, back to her hut to do more crazy witch stuff.


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#10 anathebookworm

anathebookworm

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 167 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationSouth America

Posted 23 February 2017 - 08:49 PM

Wow, thanks so much for the kind comments!

 

I wrote this story (and the sequels) based on Russian folklore and fairy tales. In the folklore, Baba Yaga shows up, does some crazy shit, and then just leaves without explanation. She might grant you a wish, or she might kill and eat you, or she might just throw dismembered hands at you. It depends on her mood, and whether or not you're polite. I tried to bring that into this story and make Baba Yaga hard to find, a little crazy, definitely scary, but inexplicably helpful. She knows Anya has the dragon, and that's where she wanted it. So she takes off, back to her hut to do more crazy witch stuff.

 

Ooooh, I get it now. But I'm worried that other people might get confused like I did. Is there a way to explain what you told me here?



#11 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 129 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 24 February 2017 - 04:38 AM

Ooooh, I get it now. But I'm worried that other people might get confused like I did. Is there a way to explain what you told me here?


Exactly my only problem with an otherwise marvelous story.

Maybe you can mention that she abruptly tells Anya that her (the witch's) need of the dragon is over and she disappears (into her hut or the forest) leaving Anya perplexed and relieved at the same time.

#12 SRPasternack

SRPasternack

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 56 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest

Posted 24 February 2017 - 07:38 PM

New version of the query! Thank you for all the marvelous help from everyone. ^_^

 

 

Life in Russia isn’t all magic and adventure. For one, magic use has been outlawed, and two, the citizens of the riverside village of Zmeyreka are too busy trying to make a living to go on any adventures, thank you very much.

 

Twelve-year-old goatherd ANYA KOZLOVA is having a bad day. It’s almost her birthday, and the first one ever that her father won’t be there for. He’s been conscripted, and is in Tartary fighting against the Saracens. To make matters worse, she comes home from a day of chasing her pet goat to discover the corrupt village magistrate is trying to sell her home to well-to-do associates of the Tsar. The only way she can prevent being evicted is to pay him a fortune of 250 rubles within 30 days.

 

Fortunately for Anya, there’s a dragon in the river valley. The Tsar ordered their extermination a decade ago, and now has issued a bounty of 1,000 rubles for its capture. Determined to catch the dragon and pay off the magistrate, Anya enlists her friend IVAN’s help, and they set traps for the dragon. The dragon follows Anya home, and she sees it chasing chickens in her barn before it flees into the night.

 

Encouraged by the dragon’s appearance, Anya and Ivan step up their pursuit. But a Viking arrives in the village with a sinister message: interfere with his hunt of the dragon, and die. To complicate matters further, Anya meets the nightmarish BABA YAGA in the forest, and the old witch is also searching for the dragon.

 

Anya and Ivan interfere with the Viking one too many times, so he makes good on his threat. They are saved from a watery death by a surprising ally: the dragon, named HÅKON. Anya and Ivan know they can’t turn Håkon over to certain death at the Tsar’s hands. After all, he saved their lives, plus Anya’s goat likes him. They formulate a plan: trick the Viking into leaving and help Håkon return home.

 

But before they can execute the plan, the Viking finds the trio and takes Håkon, intending to use the dragon’s blood for an enchantment. In her desperation, Anya seeks help from Baba Yaga in the swamp, and the witch gives Anya a surefire way to kill the Viking—an enchanted mistletoe dagger—before vanishing. Atop cliffs at the edge of town, Anya and the Viking face off, but Anya is unable to bring herself to use Baba Yaga’s weapon to kill him. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to: Anya’s goat followed her, and he butts the Viking off the cliff.

 

Ivan finds a loophole in the magistrate’s tax claim, and with his father, they contest Anya’s family’s eviction. She gets the best birthday gift ever: a letter from her father. Together with Ivan, Håkon, and her goat, Anya enjoys the sunset in the company of her new friends.


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#13 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 253 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 26 February 2017 - 02:49 AM

It's better  :smile:

 

I think Haakon is better, though.

 

I still think you shouldn't let others solve all of her problems for her. It's the base of storytelling, that the MC has to deal with his problems, not throw them on others. With kids it's even more important, because now you show them that they're useless as kids (or, even worse, as girls). They won't like it. At least let her come to Ivan's father and ask him to look for faults in the eviction order, let the idea be hers.

 

Here are some detailed comments:

New version of the query! Thank you for all the marvelous help from everyone. ^_^

 

 

Life in Russia isn’t all magic and adventure. For one, magic use has been outlawed, and two, the citizens of the riverside village of Zmeyreka are too busy trying to make a living to go on any adventures, thank you very much. (good! but it's not a list, delete the numbers)

 

Twelve-year-old goatherd ANYA KOZLOVA is having a bad day. It’s almost her birthday, and the first one ever that her father won’t be there for. He’s been conscripted, and is in far Tartary fightsing against the Saracens. To make matters worse, she comes home from a day of chasing her pet goat to discover the corrupt village magistrate is trying to sell her home to well-to-do associates of the Tsar. The only way she can prevent being evicted is to pay him a fortune of 250 rubles within 30 days. (numbers should be worded except for year numbers. I think you must explain why is the house a problem of the kid and not her mother. Is the mother dead? ill? helpless? away? otherwise it's not making any sense.)

 

Fortunately for Anya, there’s a dragon in the river valley. The Tsar ordered their (his?) extermination a decade ago, and now has issued a bounty of 1,000 rubles for its capture. Determined to catch the dragon and pay off the magistrate, Anya enlists her friend IVAN’s help, and they set traps for the dragon. The dragon follows Anya home, and she sees it chasing chickens in her barn before it flees into the night.

 

Encouraged by the dragon’s appearance, Anya and Ivan step up their pursuit. But a Viking arrives in the village with a sinister message: interfere with his hunt of the dragon, and die. To complicate matters further, Anya meets the nightmarish BABA YAGA in the forest, and the old witch is also searching for the dragon.

 

Anya and Ivan interfere with the Viking one too many times, so he makes good on his threat. They are saved from a watery death by a surprising ally: the dragon, named HÅKON. Anya and Ivan know they can’t turn Håkon over to certain death at the Tsar’s hands. After all, he saved their lives, plus Anya’s goat likes him. They formulate a plan: trick the Viking into leaving and help Håkon return home.

 

But before they can execute the plan, the Viking finds the trio and takes Håkon, intending to use the dragon’s blood for an enchantment. In her desperation, Anya seeks help from Baba Yaga in the swamp, and the witch gives Anya a surefire way to kill the Viking—an enchanted mistletoe dagger—before vanishing. Atop cliffs at the edge of town, Anya and the Viking face off, but Anya is unable to bring herself to use Baba Yaga’s weapon to kill him. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to: Anya’s goat followed her, and he butts the Viking off the cliff.

 

Ivan finds a loophole in the magistrate’s tax claim, and with his father, they contest Anya’s family’s eviction. She gets the best birthday gift ever: a letter from her father. (how can it be better than former years when he was there?) Together with Ivan and her goat, Anya enjoys the sunset in the company of her new friends Håkon.



#14 Chuck_Spragins

Chuck_Spragins

    Rio rules

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 70 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationSouth America
  • Publishing Experience:Fingers crossed!

Posted 16 April 2017 - 01:15 PM

Life in Russia isn’t all magic and adventure. For one, magic use has been outlawed, and two, the citizens of the riverside village of Zmeyreka are too busy trying to make a living than to go on any adventures, thank you very much.

 

Twelve-year-old goatherd ANYA KOZLOVA is having a bad day. It’s almost her birthday, and the first one ever that her father won’t be there for. He’s been conscripted, and is in Tartary fighting against the Saracens. To make matters worse, she comes home from a day of chasing her pet goat This is a bit confusing. If she is a goatherd, presumably she tends many goats. If so, why was she chasing her pet goat all day? to discover the corrupt village magistrate is trying to sell her home to well-to-do associates of the Tsar. The only way she can prevent being avoid evictedion is to pay him a fortune of 250 rubles within 30 days.

 

Fortunately for Anya, there’s a dragon in the river valley. The Tsar ordered their extermination a decade ago, and now has issued a bounty of 1,000 rubles for its capture. Also a bit confusing. If the order was for their extermination, why does he want the dragon captured? Determined to catch the dragon and pay off the magistrate, Anya enlists her friend IVAN’s help, and they set traps for the dragon. The traps don't work, but the dragon follows Anya home. , and sShe sees it chasing chickens in her barn before it flees into the night.

 

Encouraged by the dragon’s appearance, Anya and Ivan step up their pursuit. But a Viking arrives in the village with a sinister message: (grammar check - I think this should be a semicolon, not a colon) interfere with his hunt of the dragon, and die. To complicate matters further, Anya meets the nightmarish BABA YAGA in the forest, and the old witch is also searching for the dragon.

 

Anya and Ivan interfere with the Viking one too many times, so he makes good on his threat. They are saved from a watery death by a surprising ally: the dragon, whose named is HÅKON. Anya and Ivan know they can’t turn Håkon over to certain death at the Tsar’s hands. After all, he saved their lives, plus Anya’s goat likes him. They formulate a plan: trick the Viking into leaving and help Håkon return home. I think this one should also be a semicolon. Also, 'returning home' does not fit into the context. I never knew that he left home or that he wants to go back.

 

But before they can execute the plan, the Viking finds the trio and takes Håkon, intending to use the dragon’s blood for an enchantment.I suggest that you include this the first time you mention the Viking as it explains motivation. Do the same for the witch. In her desperationDesperate, Anya seeks Baba Yaga's help. from Baba Yaga in the swamp, and t The witch gives Anya a surefire way to kill the Viking—an enchanted mistletoe dagger—before vanishingWhy would the witch help Anya if they are both after the same dragon? Atop cliffs at the edge of town, Anya and the Viking face off, but Anya is unable to bring herself to use Baba Yaga’s weapon to kill him. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to: (grammar check - same thing) Anya’s goat followed her, and he butts the Viking off the cliff.

 

Ivan finds a loophole in the magistrate’s tax claim, (This is the first time I have heard anything about a tax claim. Seems a bit silly to go through all that with the dragon the Viking and the witch only to come up with a solution that existed at the outset. I feel a bit cheated!)  and with his father, they contest Anya’s family’s eviction. She gets the best birthday gift ever: a letter from her father. Together with Ivan, Håkon, and her goat, Anya enjoys the sunset in the company of her new friends.

 

Hope this helps. Perhaps you can take a look at my synopsis - RIVER PLATE BASIN







0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users