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The Curse of the Bloodstained Gold (YA Thriller) Pitch Madness


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#1 DV77

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 07:08 PM

Hi Guys. Like a lot of you I'm also going to give Pitch Madness a try. Any feedback is appreciated and naturally I'm happy to return the favor if you'd like.

 

Pitch Madness 35:

 

To repay her widowed father’s crippling debts, archeology fanatic Stephie must venture to the world’s most dangerous corners with a wily smuggler and her eccentric grandson to find the lost city of Incan gold, Paititi.



#2 Testome

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Posted 22 February 2017 - 07:20 PM

The main thing your missing from this hook is the obstacle/conflict.  You've only really established her goal here.  I would leave your two other characters out of this for now.



#3 anathebookworm

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 05:33 PM

Hi Guys. Like a lot of you I'm also going to give Pitch Madness a try. Any feedback is appreciated and naturally I'm happy to return the favor if you'd like.

 

Pitch Madness 35:

 

To repay her widowed father’s crippling debts, archeology fanatic Stephie must venture to the world’s most dangerous corners with a wily smuggler and her eccentric grandson to find the lost city of Incan gold, Paititi.

 

I think you could use something like - "To repay her widowed father’s crippling debts, archeology fanatic Stephie must find the lost city of Incan gold. But a mercenary and his army will do anything to get there first."



#4 DV77

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 07:27 PM

Thanks for the suggestions guys. They gave me a lot to think about back at the drawing board. Eventually I came up with this. Any thoughts?

 

To repay her widowed father’s crippling debts, archeology fanatic Stephie must risk crossing paths with a black market kingpin’s private army while scouring the globe to find the lost Incan city of gold, Paititi.



#5 Cez

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 12:24 AM

Here's my suggestion:

 

To repay her father’s debts, seventeen-year-old Stephie joins a quest for the lost city of Incan gold, risking her life and the wrath of a black market kingpin, who is also after the treasure. (34 words)



#6 punitrastogi

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 01:05 AM

To repay her father’s debts, seventeen-year-old Stephie joins a quest to find the lost city of Incan gold, risking her life racing against a black market kingpin. (27 words).



#7 DV77

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 07:05 AM

Thanks a lot for these suggestions guys. Some really good suggestions. I've tried mixing them up a little and wondered what the opinion is on this one. Again, thank you sooooo much.

 

To repay her widowed father’s crippling debts, archeology fanatic Stephie must scour the globe to find the lost Incan city of gold—Paititi—and risk the wrath of a black market kingpin also after it. 



#8 ViviMont

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 02:07 PM

I think the last one is great. Though, I would skip the "crippling"-- it's ableist language and the agents, I'm sure, will be on the lookout for that. 

 

To repay her father's debts, archaeology enthusiast, Stephie, must scour the globe in search of the lost Incan city of gold—Paititi—risking the wrath of a black-market kingpin just as determined to claim it.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 





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