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The Subjugator (Fantasy/Sci-fi)


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#1 punitrastogi

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 03:35 AM

Below are the first 250 words of the book.

The contents of this post will be written in an indigenous language in the book, before the English translation.

 

The latest version is at:

http://agentquerycon...ci-fi/?p=356305

 

Comments and feedback are most welcome.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

As you are aware, locating Subject A is critical for the mission’s success. The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not been located, and the genes carrying his Siddhis were crafted to be undetectably dormant in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his skills.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject and activate the beacon with the Subject’s nervous system.

 

Entry Author – Agent O1



#2 SRPasternack

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 02:02 PM

Below are the first 250 words of the book.

The contents of this post will be written in an indigenous language in the book, before the English translation.

 

Comments and feedback are most welcome.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

As you are aware This phrase in writing, along with the dreaded "as you/we know" is just a warning flag for an info dump. I think removing this phrase, as well as the following sentence, would be better, locating Subject A is critical for the mission’s success. The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not been located, and the genes carrying his who is this referring to, A or H? Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable y dormant in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his skills abilities.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject and activate the beacon with the Subject’s nervous system. Would they terminate the Subject BY activating the beacon, or activate the beacon afterward? If the latter, what purpose does the beacon activation serve?

 

Entry Author – Agent O1

 

Very interesting! I like how it's written in a a report format. Kind of includes something other than straight prose.


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#3 punitrastogi

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 12:25 AM

Thanks SRPasternack.

.

 

The updated version is given below:

===============================================================================

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.

 

 

Entry Author – Agent O1



#4 punitrastogi

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 09:42 AM

Bumping for feedback

Thanks SRPasternack.
.

The updated version is given below:
===============================================================================
19 Uddīpaka, 3215

Status:
It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities.

Plan:
Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

Risks:
The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

Mitigation:
In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.


Entry Author – Agent O1



#5 dragoness

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 11:06 AM

I liked it very much!

 

It seems daring, to start a novel in this unusual way, but I suppose you can try and see if agents like it.

 

Why won't you put the next paragraphs here too, so we could see the literary part of the begins?

 

I suggested to delete two lines, because I think they're not necessary and they make the report include too much information for these short paragraphs, so they can confuse the reader:

Thanks SRPasternack.

.

 

The updated version is given below:

===============================================================================

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.

 

 

Entry Author – Agent O1

 

Would you like to look at my beginning? http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#6 punitrastogi

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 11:24 AM

Thanks dragoness.

In the first sentence you deleted, Super-Specimen H is Hanuman. That is the tease for it.

The second one is the link for the overall story arc of the series.

Will soon post the literary part. Still refining the text a bit. :biggrin:

#7 dragoness

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 11:49 AM

I know, but IMO it's too early for it all.

 

I think that without these two sentences it's complicated yet clear, and with them it's not clear.

 

(I already know who is who. It's interesting to hear someone who doesn't.)



#8 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 05:37 AM

The latest version:

 

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.

 

 

Entry Author – Agent O1



#9 punitrastogi

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Posted 10 August 2017 - 04:18 AM

Bumping

#10 jaustail

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 01:47 AM

Since this is report form, maybe remove all emotions from it.

 

 

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities(this translates as subject being naive, harmless. so maybe add:

 

Subject A is harmless.)

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.(they would've tested the signal reading machine on rats or other animals. so they would know this. maybe mention this)

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.(maybe make the risks bigger. like subject can go berserk and just destroy everything around like how Hanuman did in Lanka with his tail)

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.

 

 

 

Okay so this is a super cool premise and I'd request pages right away. It reminded me of that science experiment some scientists did to revive the mammoth. Good luck. My first 250 pages are there in the link in my signature so if you're interested...

 

PS: Whenever you're posting a revision, please change the title to:  revision posted in post#number to direct others right away to read the revised post.



#11 punitrastogi

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 03:56 AM

Another go at it.

 

Please let me know if this is giving away of a lot of the plot.

 

============================================================================

 

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

 

We have finally located and apprehended Possessor A.

 

The search took more than two Earth-years because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying his Siddhis were undetectable.

 

To find the Possessors, we had to trace thousands of Earth years’ data. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be discovered.

 

When all hope was lost, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the Vasitva Siddhi of Possessor A. Since Possessor A is not aware of his skills, we are under no threat from Possessor A.

 

Plan:

 

By tomorrow, the transmitter would be planted in Possessor A’s brain, to continually relay the Possessor’s thoughts and stimuli to our receptor. The logs would be generated in the Earth language English.

 

Agent H3’s human form is as per the most common human expectations. Possessor A is expected to be mesmerized by her beauty and easily convinced to join our mission.

 

We intend to find at least one more Possessor before that.

 

Risks:

 

The known risks are the Possessor’s brain’s rejection towards the changes or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Forcing the Possessor can activate the Vasitva genes, and an uncontrolled fit can be harmful to everyone.

 

Mitigation:

 

In either of the situations, we would terminate the Possessor and activate the beacon with the Possessor’s nervous system.

 

However, this would be a last resort as with Possessor A’s presence, convincing other Possessors would be easier.

 

 

Entry Author – Agent O1



#12 rhwashere

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 07:06 AM

Fresh eyes here. This may be personal preference, but this feels like way too much exposition for the opening of the story. I would rather be shown the main character doing something significant or some sort of action on the part of the antagonists.

Beyond that, it’s too wordy. If this is meant to be a report, the agent wouldn’t bother specifying which genes he was looking for or reference battles that would be already common knowledge. Expressions such as “when all hope was lost” would also not likely be used.

I hope that helps some. If it does, please check out mine: http://agentquerycon...18/#entry355500

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#13 punitrastogi

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 07:34 AM

I totally agree to every word you said above.

Fresh eyes here. This may be personal preference, but this feels like way too much exposition for the opening of the story (This is exactly what I wanted to know. I need to reduce the spoilers in the content :D ). I would rather be shown the main character doing something significant (The book is a log of thoughts of the protagonist after the implanting of the transmitter. So, it starts with the cliched waking up scenario. This is one of the reasons why I wrote this piece as the first thing one gets when they pick up the book in the store.) or some sort of action on the part of the antagonists (Spoiler alert: The text above is by the antagonists, although they turn out to be so, much later in the story.).

Beyond that, it’s too wordy. If this is meant to be a report, the agent wouldn’t bother specifying which genes he was looking for (Point taken) or reference battles that would be already common knowledge (not exactly. These are aliens who do not have much idea about what happened to humans since the last time they visited.). Expressions such as “when all hope was lost” would also not likely be used (Agreed. Will update).

I hope that helps some. If it does, please check out mine: http://agentquerycon...18/#entry355500

The book in its current form focuses a lot on the human element of the story, like protagonist and his current relationships, and how he falls in love with the seductress Agent H3.

But it touches upon his powers and the bigger picture quite frequently.

 

That is why this Journal Entry plays an important part in keeping the science fiction angle alive.

That's also the reason why I chose to start with this instead of the usual text.

 

Hope that clarifies the point.

Any suggestion based on these?



#14 rhwashere

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 09:01 AM

I think the book Ender’s Game balances that well. If you haven’t read it (and you definitely should), it begins most chapters with what you find out are recordings of two officers discussing Ender. The brief exchanges of dialogue are sparse but help to set the scene. Then the rest of the chapter is third person narrative of Ender’s journey through Battle School and beyond.

I’ve always liked that structure and it might work for your book too.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#15 punitrastogi

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 09:14 AM

I think the book Ender’s Game balances that well. If you haven’t read it (and you definitely should), it begins most chapters with what you find out are recordings of two officers discussing Ender. The brief exchanges of dialogue are sparse but help to set the scene. Then the rest of the chapter is third person narrative of Ender’s journey through Battle School and beyond.

I’ve always liked that structure and it might work for your book too.

Thank you so very much for that nudge.

 

You have no idea how much you have helped me with this.

 

This is exactly what I needed :)

Thank you thank you thank you.



#16 Tanja

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 02:40 AM

I think this is an interesting start. It's different. Risky, but different. Agents like different. I don't think you give away too much. If anything then maybe this part could be shortened

Agent H3’s human form is as per the most common human expectations. Possessor A is expected to be mesmerized by her beauty and easily convinced to join our mission.

 

My suggestion in regard to this part is to wipe the mesmerized by her beauty and just keep this part as short and blunt as possible. The reason why I'm saying this is because it's the part where I think you might give away too much.

 

Other than that, I like it. It leaves enough mystery. it would make me wonder what's going on. Good work


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#17 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 11:27 AM

Another go at it.

 

Please let me know if this is giving away of a lot of the plot.

 

============================================================================

 

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

 

We have finally located and apprehended Possessor A. Since you say next that it took more than two years, you can remove the "finally" here to make it sound more like a to-the-point report.

 

The search took more than two Earth-years because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying his Siddhis were undetectable.

 

To find the Possessors, we had to trace thousands of Earth years’ data. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be discovered. Since we don't know what anything is yet, I feel like you could either take out "human conflicts" or "negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle", again to make it to the point.  Just one would suffice.

 

When all hope was lost, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the Vasitva Siddhi of Possessor A. Since Possessor A is not aware of his skills, we are under no threat from Possessor A.

 

Plan:

 

By tomorrow, the transmitter would be planted in Possessor A’s brain, to continually relay the Possessor’s his? thoughts and stimuli to our receptor. The logs would be generated in the Earth language English. Not sure if necessary to know right now.

 

Agent H3’s human form is as per the most common human expectations. Possessor A is expected to be mesmerized by her beauty and easily convinced to join our mission. I'm not the best with numbers or letters, so I'm finding trying to differentiate between H3 and A a bit confusing.  It also doesn't help that "Agent H3" also has an A in it, as well as "Possesor A."  I had to read this over a few times.  Again, that just might be me because I have trouble with stuff like that.

 

We intend to find at least one more Possessor before that.

 

Risks:

 

The known risks are the Possessor’s brain’s rejection towards the changes or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Forcing the Possessor can activate the Vasitva genes I had to go back to the beginning to see if this word was up there, and an uncontrolled fit can be harmful to everyone.

 

Mitigation:

 

In either of the situations, we would terminate the Possessor and activate the beacon with the Possessor’s nervous system.

 

However, this would be a last resort as with Possessor A’s presence, convincing other Possessors would be easier.

 

 

Entry Author – Agent O1

 

I like the premise of this, but I agree it's a bit too wordy for a report.  There's also a lot of names and numbers and jargon happening that the reader doesn't know yet, so it's hard to stay grounded and understand what's happening, because all of this is out of context for me.  It took me a few pass-throughs to fully understand what's happening.  I'm assuming an agent wouldn't have that much patience.



#18 W.P.

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 06:59 AM

Another go at it.

 

Please let me know if this is giving away of a lot of the plot.

 

============================================================================

 

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

 

We have finally located and apprehended Possessor A. ((I like where you are starting. I think this sentence raises questions and hints at conflict. However, I feel like it could have more of a "punch". Example: "Possessor A has been apprehended." Here, I think passive voice actually makes the sentence stronger because it's shorter, and to the point and removes any vagueness.))

 

The search took more than two Earth-years because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying his Siddhis were undetectable.

 

To find the Possessors, we had to trace thousands of Earth years’ data. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be discovered.

 

When all hope was lost, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the Vasitva Siddhi of Possessor A. Since Possessor A is not aware of his skills, we are under no threat from Possessor A.  ((So far this has all been exposition. And it's too much as well. Readers first need to care and have a basis for the story.))

 

Plan:

 

By tomorrow, the transmitter would be planted in Possessor A’s brain, to continually relay the Possessor’s thoughts and stimuli to our receptor. The logs would be generated in the Earth language English.

 

Agent H3’s human form is as per the most common human expectations. Possessor A is expected to be mesmerized by her beauty and easily convinced to join our mission.

 

We intend to find at least one more Possessor before that.  ((all of this is exposition, and giving away Chhaya's true nature. ))

 

Risks:

 

The known risks are the Possessor’s brain’s rejection towards the changes or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Forcing the Possessor can activate the Vasitva genes, and an uncontrolled fit can be harmful to everyone.

 

Mitigation:

 

In either of the situations, we would terminate the Possessor and activate the beacon with the Possessor’s nervous system.

 

However, this would be a last resort as with Possessor A’s presence, convincing other Possessors would be easier.

 

 

Entry Author – Agent O1

 

 

I'm wondering if we need all this exposition from the get go. Every single sentence is exposition and doesn't drive the story forward. All this information could be sprinkled throughout the novel. But dumping it all in the first page is quite risky. Readers might get bored or disengaged. Agents might not get to the second page at all. 

What makes readers connect to stories is character. Introduce us Karan. Not to say you can't open with a journal entry. In fact, I think it'd make for an interesting start (if the entry is one or two short paragraphs and not longer). But this is too much and all at once. I feel like you are giving away too much. Give us just enough to tease us, to intrigue us. Any more than that will put off the reader.

The thing is, the information you are dumping IS interesting. But the way you are presenting it isn't. If you force readers to plod through it, readers won't be able to properly enjoy it. 

 

Anyway, I hope this will be of help. :)






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