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The Subjugator (Sci-fi/Fantasy/Mythology)


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#1 punitrastogi

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 03:35 AM

Below are the first 250 words of the book.

The contents of this post will be written in an indigenous language in the book, before the English translation.

 

Comments and feedback are most welcome.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

As you are aware, locating Subject A is critical for the mission’s success. The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not been located, and the genes carrying his Siddhis were crafted to be undetectably dormant in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his skills.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject and activate the beacon with the Subject’s nervous system.

 

Entry Author – Agent O1



#2 SRPasternack

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 02:02 PM

Below are the first 250 words of the book.

The contents of this post will be written in an indigenous language in the book, before the English translation.

 

Comments and feedback are most welcome.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

As you are aware This phrase in writing, along with the dreaded "as you/we know" is just a warning flag for an info dump. I think removing this phrase, as well as the following sentence, would be better, locating Subject A is critical for the mission’s success. The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not been located, and the genes carrying his who is this referring to, A or H? Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable y dormant in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his skills abilities.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject and activate the beacon with the Subject’s nervous system. Would they terminate the Subject BY activating the beacon, or activate the beacon afterward? If the latter, what purpose does the beacon activation serve?

 

Entry Author – Agent O1

 

Very interesting! I like how it's written in a a report format. Kind of includes something other than straight prose.


My Pitch--My Query--My Synopsis--My 250

 

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." W. Somerset Maugham


#3 punitrastogi

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 12:25 AM

Thanks SRPasternack.

.

 

The updated version is given below:

===============================================================================

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.

 

 

Entry Author – Agent O1



#4 punitrastogi

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 09:42 AM

Bumping for feedback

Thanks SRPasternack.
.

The updated version is given below:
===============================================================================
19 Uddīpaka, 3215

Status:
It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities.

Plan:
Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

Risks:
The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

Mitigation:
In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.


Entry Author – Agent O1



#5 dragoness

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 11:06 AM

I liked it very much!

 

It seems daring, to start a novel in this unusual way, but I suppose you can try and see if agents like it.

 

Why won't you put the next paragraphs here too, so we could see the literary part of the begins?

 

I suggested to delete two lines, because I think they're not necessary and they make the report include too much information for these short paragraphs, so they can confuse the reader:

Thanks SRPasternack.

.

 

The updated version is given below:

===============================================================================

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

We intend to find at least one more Subject before Subject A joins the mission.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.

 

 

Entry Author – Agent O1

 

Would you like to look at my beginning? http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#6 punitrastogi

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 11:24 AM

Thanks dragoness.

In the first sentence you deleted, Super-Specimen H is Hanuman. That is the tease for it.

The second one is the link for the overall story arc of the series.

Will soon post the literary part. Still refining the text a bit. :biggrin:

#7 dragoness

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 11:49 AM

I know, but IMO it's too early for it all.

 

I think that without these two sentences it's complicated yet clear, and with them it's not clear.

 

(I already know who is who. It's interesting to hear someone who doesn't.)



#8 punitrastogi

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Posted 17 March 2017 - 05:37 AM

The latest version:

 

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities.

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.

 

 

Entry Author – Agent O1



#9 punitrastogi

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Posted 10 August 2017 - 04:18 AM

Bumping

#10 jaustail

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 01:47 AM

Since this is report form, maybe remove all emotions from it.

 

 

19 Uddīpaka, 3215

 

Status:

It gives me great pleasure to announce that we have finally located and apprehended Subject A.

 

The search took longer than expected because Super-Specimen H could not be located, and the genes carrying H's Siddhis were crafted to be undetectable in the Possessors’ DNA.

 

We traced thousands of Earth years’ data to locate the Possessors. However, due to human conflicts and negligence since the Ram-Ravan battle, a lot of information was missing and had to be investigated and unraveled.

 

Fortunately, Agent H3 unexpectedly detected the display of the Vasitva Siddhi of Subject A, even though the Subject was not aware of his abilities(this translates as subject being naive, harmless. so maybe add:

 

Subject A is harmless.)

 

Plan:

Over the next day, I would implant the transmitter in the subject’s brain, to continually transmit the Subject’s thoughts and stimuli through the Subject’s caudate signals to our receptor. The signals are expected to be in the Earth language English.(they would've tested the signal reading machine on rats or other animals. so they would know this. maybe mention this)

 

Subsequently, Agent H3 would convince the Subject to join our mission. Forcing the Subject can activate the Vasitva genes, and expose our vulnerability to their telepathic capabilities.

 

Risks:

The known risks are the Subject’s brain’s rejection towards the changes, or the transmitter malfunction.(maybe make the risks bigger. like subject can go berserk and just destroy everything around like how Hanuman did in Lanka with his tail)

 

Mitigation:

In either of the situations, due to the lack of time, we would terminate the Subject, activate the beacon with the Subject’s DNA, and initiate crafting of the wrist-band.

 

 

 

Okay so this is a super cool premise and I'd request pages right away. It reminded me of that science experiment some scientists did to revive the mammoth. Good luck. My first 250 pages are there in the link in my signature so if you're interested...

 

PS: Whenever you're posting a revision, please change the title to:  revision posted in post#number to direct others right away to read the revised post.






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