I think this is a very well written query.
It certainly explains the characters and the events very well.
However, it does not entice me to know more about what happens.
I think its probably because of the ending, which neither presents a character conflict, nor raises the stakes for the events.
But that just might be me.
Thanks in advance, will gladly return critiques!
Dying’s easy; it’s returning that’s hard, but that’s what Egil intends when he learns the key to turning the tide of the war lies in the after life.
Egil Sigurdsson never thought he would fondly recall the freezing marches, scant meals, and lost battle for the north as the good days. But with his King dead, army splintered, and his love fleeing south with the rest of his people, he does. He’s desperate enough to let a sympathetic enemy drown and then resuscitate him,
becomingmaking him the first human wizard. Yet, knowledge has a cost and returning from the after life splits Egil’s personality.
Daughter of a jarl, Thora carries out her father’s last wish; she frees the thralls and arms them. Propositioned by the King’s son (for what?), promised to hersir Sigurd’s eldest son, and attracted to a
handsome, but recently freed(Not sure if this is required) thrall(Just wanted to confirm - Egil is attracted to Thora, but she likes someone else?), Thora is reluctant to make a decision (what decision?) until she meets Egil, the first man to make her feel safe. Separated from Egil by the events of the war, she flees, joining the throngs of refugees streaming south with war nipping at their heels.
Armed with knowledge of the after life, native allies, and insane enough (This part reads awkward. Try rephrasing it.) to resume the war, Egil heads south to dredge the last of humanity for warriors. War
changeshas changed (?) everyone, but when he finds Thora, his personalities collide and things get a little squirrelly(Not sure if squirrelly is presenting the sense of the situation properly). Despite wondering who Egil really is; Thora refuses to forsake the man she loves (Wasnt she attracted to a Thrall?) and helps him organize a ragtag, traumatized, disheartened band of warriors into an army.
Hersirs and Heroes is ____ word YA fantasy novel that fits somewhere between Brent Weeks compelling story telling and Joe Abercrombie’s gritty, edge of the knife writing.
(I included Egil's last name, Sigurdsson, because I mention Thora is promised to Sigurd's eldest son. Too vague?)
I guess you can end the query with the turmoil inside Egil, with an additional point on the dilemma inside Thora.
That adds a bit of drama and leaves the query open ended, making the reader want more.
Also, what is the war about? You keep mentioning it, but have not given anything about it.
Is it a civil war with the king dead? Or is it an enemy attacking the vulnerable kingdom and killing all survivors, with Egil/Thora's fight intended to take back the kingdom?
Hope it helps. :)
Would really appreciate it if you take a look at my query.
The link is in my signature.