Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Hersirs & Heroes Query (Trading Critiques)(New query posted)

Fiction Fantasy Young Adult New Adult

  • Please log in to reply
26 replies to this topic

#21 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 17 March 2017 - 03:42 AM

I think this is a very well written query.

It certainly explains the characters and the events very well.

 

However, it does not entice me to know more about what happens.

I think its probably because of the ending, which neither presents a character conflict, nor raises the stakes for the events.

But that just might be me.

Thanks in advance, will gladly return critiques!

 

 

Dying’s easy; it’s returning that’s hard, but that’s what Egil intends when he learns the key to turning the tide of the war lies in the after life.

 

Egil Sigurdsson never thought he would fondly recall the freezing marches, scant meals, and lost battle for the north as the good days. But with his King dead, army splintered, and his love fleeing south with the rest of his people, he does. He’s desperate enough to let a sympathetic enemy drown and then resuscitate him, becoming making him the first human wizard. Yet, knowledge has a cost and returning from the after life splits Egil’s personality.

 

Daughter of a jarl, Thora carries out her father’s last wish; she frees the thralls and arms them. Propositioned by the King’s son (for what?), promised to hersir Sigurd’s eldest son, and attracted to a handsome, but recently freed (Not sure if this is required) thrall(Just wanted to confirm -  Egil is attracted to Thora, but she likes someone else?), Thora is reluctant to make a decision (what decision?) until she meets Egil, the first man to make her feel safe. Separated from Egil by the events of the war, she flees, joining the throngs of refugees streaming south with war nipping at their heels.

 

Armed with knowledge of the after life, native allies, and insane enough (This part reads awkward. Try rephrasing it.) to resume the war, Egil heads south to dredge the last of humanity for warriors. War changes has changed (?) everyone, but when he finds Thora, his personalities collide and things get a little squirrelly(Not sure if squirrelly is presenting the sense of the situation properly). Despite wondering who Egil really is; Thora refuses to forsake the man she loves (Wasnt she attracted to a Thrall?) and helps him organize a ragtag, traumatized, disheartened band of warriors into an army.

 

Hersirs and Heroes is ____ word YA fantasy novel that fits somewhere between Brent Weeks compelling story telling and Joe Abercrombie’s gritty, edge of the knife writing.

 

 

(I included Egil's last name, Sigurdsson, because I mention Thora is promised to Sigurd's eldest son. Too vague?)

 

I guess you can end the query with the turmoil inside Egil, with an additional point on the dilemma inside Thora.

That adds a bit of drama and leaves the query open ended, making the reader want more.

 

Also, what is the war about? You keep mentioning it, but have not given anything about it.

Is it a civil war with the king dead? Or is it an enemy attacking the vulnerable kingdom and killing all survivors, with Egil/Thora's fight intended to take back the kingdom?

 

Hope it helps. :)

 

Would really appreciate it if you take a look at my query.

The link is in my signature.



#22 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 262 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 19 March 2017 - 07:48 AM

I think the query is very good now!  :smile:

 

(That is, without the paragraph about Thora, which is only confusing, IMO.)

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

Dying’s easy; it’s returning that’s hard, but that’s what Egil intends when he learns the key to turning the tide winning of the lost war lies in the after life. (great! I tried to simplify the complicated sentence.)

 

Egil Sigurdsson never thought he would fondly recall the freezing marches, scant meals, and lost battle for the north as the good days. But with his King dead, army splintered, and his love Thora fleeing south with the rest of his people, he does. He’s desperate enough to let a sympathetic enemy drown then resuscitate him in order to become , becoming the first human wizard (without this change it's not clear why he agreed) . Yet, knowledge has a cost, (comma) and returning from the after life splits Egil’s personality.

 

Daughter of a jarl, Thora, (comma) carries out her father’s last wish; she frees the thralls and arms them. Propositioned by the King’s son, promised to hersir Sigurd’s eldest son, and attracted to a handsome, but recently freed thrall, Thora is reluctant to make a decision until she meets Egil, the first man to make her feel safe. Separated by events of the war, she flees, joining the throngs of refugees streaming south with war nipping at their heels. (I think this paragraph is confusing for several reason: it exchanges POV, place, and reverse time, and it adds nothing essential.)

 

Armed with knowledge of the after life, native allies, and insane enough to resume the war, Egil heads south to dredge the last of humanity for warriors. War changes everyone, but when he finds Thora, his personalities collide (why?) and things get a little squirrelly (how?). Despite wondering who Egil really is; , (comma) Thora refuses to forsake the man she loves, (comma) and helps him organize a ragtag, traumatized, disheartened (too many adjectives) band of warriors into an army.

 

Hersirs and Heroes is ____ word YA fantasy novel that fits somewhere between Brent Weeks compelling story telling and Joe Abercrombie’s gritty, edge of the knife writing.

 

 

(I included Egil's last name, Sigurdsson, because I mention Thora is promised to Sigurd's eldest son. Too vague? yes  :smile: )

 

Thank you for your comments on my query, they were very helpful!

Would you like to look at my new version? http://agentquerycon...ue/#entry336240



#23 chadweiss35

chadweiss35

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 38 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:I've placed second and been honourably mentioned twice in Polar Expressions Summer Annual Short Story contest.<br />Several poems with Polar Expressions Summer Annual Poetry Contest<br />Numerous short stories in semi-professional magazines such as Flashing Swords, Golden Visions, Abandoned Towers.

Posted 21 March 2017 - 07:34 PM

Here's the latest version, I had enough ppl tell me to drop two POV's so here it is. Thanks in advance, will return critiques!

 

Dying’s easy; it’s returning that’s hard, but that’s what Egil intends when he learns the key to winning the war lies in the after life.

 

Egil Sigurdsson never thought he would fondly recall the freezing marches, scant meals, and lost battle for the north as the good days. But with his King dead, army splintered, and Thora, his love fleeing south with the rest of his people, he does. He’s desperate enough to let a sympathetic enemy drown then resuscitate him to become the first human wizard. Yet, knowledge has a cost, and returning from the after life splits Egil’s personality.

 

Armed with knowledge of the after life, native allies, and insane enough to resume the war, Egil heads south to dredge the last of humanity for warriors. War changes everyone, but when he finds Thora, his emotions spike and his new emotional driven personality collides with his logical self and things get a little squirrelly. Despite wondering who Egil really is; Thora refuses to forsake the man she loves and helps him organize a traumatized, disheartened band of warriors into an army. With an enemy that will never rest until the last human is pushed back into the sea, Egil will have to risk his life and his love for Thora to see the war won.

 

Hersirs and Heroes is ____ word YA fantasy novel that fits somewhere between Brent Weeks compelling story telling and Joe Abercrombie’s gritty, edge of the knife writing.



#24 CM_Fick

CM_Fick

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 197 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Mark of Fate, Bad Caveman Publishing, 2011

    Self published works:
    Burden of Fate, 2012
    Legacy of Fate, 2016
    When the Dead Rise: Series 1, 2016

Posted 21 March 2017 - 08:30 PM

Here's the latest version, I had enough ppl tell me to drop two POV's so here it is. Thanks in advance, will return critiques! I feel your pain in this! such a hard choice to make, but it will make it easier in the end. 

 

Dying’s easy; it’s returning that’s hard, but that’s what Egil intends when he learns the key to winning the war lies in the after life. (Nice!)

 

Egil Sigurdsson never thought he would fondly recall the freezing marches, scant meals, and lost battle for the north as the good days. But with his King dead, the army splintered, and his love, Thora, his love fleeing south with the rest of his people, he does. (This sentence seems to have a lot of commas. Not that it's bad, or overly weighted with too much info, or even technically incorrect... just a lot of pauses, and that slows things down.) He’s desperate enough to let a sympathetic enemy drown(,) and then resuscitate him to become the first human wizard. Yet, knowledge has a cost, and returning from the after life splits Egil’s personality. (I like the idea of this sentence. I just don't know if it's executed in the best way -- and I'm sorry, but I can't think of how to word it better to make it feel as life-altering as it is for your character.)

 

Armed with knowledge of the after life, native allies, and insane enough to resume the war, Egil heads south to dredge the last of humanity for warriors. War changes everyone, but when he finds Thora, his emotions spike and his new emotional driven personality collides with his logical self and things get a little squirrelly. (I still think this needs to be a better word. do you mean that it gets foolish/idiotic? or that it gets out of hand and chaotic?) Despite wondering who Egil really is; Thora refuses to forsake the man she loves and helps him organize a traumatized, disheartened band of warriors into an army. (It feels like you're missing a sentence here. Something to sum it up and tie it together. I put this on another critique, but this helped me crack mine: I got some really great advice on how to close off a query letter -- What terrible choice does your main character have to make? and what are the consequences?)

 

Hersirs and Heroes is ____ word YA fantasy novel that fits somewhere between Brent Weeks compelling story telling and Joe Abercrombie’s gritty, edge of the knife writing.

 

Hi Chadweiss35, 

 

This version reads so much cleaner than earlier versions -- it doesn't feel as jumbly. I do think however, that this version still needs some clarity as I've outlives above. 

 

Hope this helps!



#25 chadweiss35

chadweiss35

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 38 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:I've placed second and been honourably mentioned twice in Polar Expressions Summer Annual Short Story contest.<br />Several poems with Polar Expressions Summer Annual Poetry Contest<br />Numerous short stories in semi-professional magazines such as Flashing Swords, Golden Visions, Abandoned Towers.

Posted 21 March 2017 - 10:18 PM

"Nutty" is exactly how I would describe it. Egil's this hard to read, stoic guy, then all of sudden he's loud, sometimes raging guy who throws everyone off balance, especially those who have been with him through the thick and thin. I just love the expression squirrelly, lol, maybe it doesn't suit it, but cracks me up whenever I read it. 

 

I have wrote this line, "Yet, every journey leaves is scars, and returning from the after life splits Egil's personality."

 

How about this to end the query. (I actually thought of this the other night just before falling asleep and forgot until you reminded me.)

"With an enemy that will never rest until the last human is pushed back into the sea, Egil will have to risk his life and his love for Thora to see the war won."

 

Thanks for the great critique!



#26 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 262 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 22 March 2017 - 02:45 AM

Thanks for your comments on my query  :smile:

 

The query is good now, IMO. I had only technical comments:

Here's the latest version, I had enough ppl tell me to drop two POV's so here it is. Thanks in advance, will return critiques!

 

Dying’s easy; it’s returning that’s hard, but that’s what Egil intends when he learns the key to winning the war lies in the after life. (good)

 

Egil Sigurdsson never thought he would fondly recall the freezing marches, scant meals, and lost battle for the north as the good days (it's too complicated a sentence to be read fluently without this deleting, IMO). But with his King dead, army splintered, and Thora, his love, (comma) fleeing south with the rest of his people, he does misses these days (clearer and stronger, IMO). He’s desperate enough to let a sympathetic enemy drown then resuscitate him to become the first human wizard. Yet, knowledge has a cost, and returning from the after life splits Egil’s personality. (good)

 

Armed with knowledge of the after life, native allies, and insane enough to resume the war, Egil heads south to dredge the last of humanity for warriors. War changes everyone, but when he finds Thora, his emotions spike  to a and his new emotional driven personality which collides with his logical self, (comma) and things get a little squirrelly (the original sentence has too many parts, with two "and"s, and it needed changing or splitting). Despite wondering who Egil really is; Thora refuses to forsake the man she loves, (comma) and helps him organize a traumatized, disheartened band of warriors into an army. With an enemy that will never rest until the last human is pushed back into the sea, Egil will have to risk his life and his love for Thora to see the war won. (good!)

 

Hersirs and Heroes is ____ word YA fantasy novel that fits somewhere between Brent Weeks compelling story telling and Joe Abercrombie’s gritty, edge of the knife writing.



#27 CM_Fick

CM_Fick

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 197 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Mark of Fate, Bad Caveman Publishing, 2011

    Self published works:
    Burden of Fate, 2012
    Legacy of Fate, 2016
    When the Dead Rise: Series 1, 2016

Posted 22 March 2017 - 10:42 AM

"Nutty" is exactly how I would describe it. Egil's this hard to read, stoic guy, then all of sudden he's loud, sometimes raging guy who throws everyone off balance, especially those who have been with him through the thick and thin. I just love the expression squirrelly, lol, maybe it doesn't suit it, but cracks me up whenever I read it. 

 

I have wrote this line, "Yet, every journey leaves is scars, and returning from the after life splits Egil's personality." I think this is more poetic and still clear imo. Is the split permanent? another thing to think about, is rather than use personality throughout, would it be also true to say that it divides his soul? this sounds more final and life-altering. At least to my high-fantasy-overloaded brain. 

 

How about this to end the query. (I actually thought of this the other night just before falling asleep and forgot until you reminded me.)

"With an enemy that will never rest until the last human is pushed back into the sea, Egil will have to risk his life and his love for Thora to see the war won." <3

 

Thanks for the great critique!

Hi Chadweiss, 

Thanks for your crtique of my query, I like some of the flow changes you suggested. And you're welcome in return. I'm glad I could helpful with you with yours. 

 

I think that last line is awesome! You get to use the motivation for the big bad here and it works. 

 

Okay, now to the other bit about that word.... I get that you like it, but it comes down to tone. Do you use the word in the book to describe Egil's condition? This may throw a wrench into your query -- is this playfulness is a tone that you use in your book, because it doesn't come across in reading this. It may be strange for an agent to think they're getting one thing, but when they read it the tone is all different (not to say that humour is bad by any means, just as long as the tones match throughout). In my opinion, its a far too modern word for something of this scope. for example, I think maniacal, nonsensical, or deranged would fit the tone of your query better. But I will leave it to you, to make that final call. This is your query and only you know the full scope. 

 

I'll check back for future updates.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult, New Adult

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users