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BENEATH THE MADDENING MOON


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#1 Ashlyn

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 08:29 PM

I have four possible pitches (some with slight differences), and I'm not sure which to go with.

 

1. Zoe's found the girl of her dreams—despite the fur and fangs. But the malevolent entity that cursed Isabella isn’t finished. Unless they can defeat it, this beauty will be cursed along with her beast.

 

2. Isabella is Zoe’s dream girl—fur and fangs included. But the malevolent entity that cursed Isabella isn’t finished. Unless they can defeat it, this beauty will be cursed along with her beast.

 

3. Zoe's found the girl of her dreams—despite the fur and fangs. But the town’s boogeyman won't stop and unless they can defeat it, this beauty will be cursed along with her beast.

 

4. Isabella is Zoe’s dream girl—fur and fangs included. But the town’s boogeyman won't stop and unless they can defeat it, this beauty will be cursed along with her beast.


Queries and such:

 

YA fantasy: ALL IS DARK

 

Query: http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/36542-all-is-dark-newest-on-post-17

 

YA Contemporary Fantasy: BENEATH THE MADDENING MOON

 

Query: http://agentquerycon...addening-moon/


#2 DV77

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 08:42 PM

Of all of those I'd say number two. I like the first couple of sentences but the last part of it confuses me a little. What kind of curse is it? I appreciate this is a 35 word pitch but it feels like you're going for cute when it's an opportunity to make the stakes a little more clear.



#3 giffordmac

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 03:02 PM

I agree that #2 is the best one.

 

Good luck!


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#4 punitrastogi

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 07:00 AM

How about this:

 

despite the fur and fangs, Isabella is Zoe's dream girl. But Unless they can defeat the malevolent entity that cursed Isabella, this beauty will be cursed along with her beast.



#5 CM_Fick

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 12:18 PM

I think 2 is the best out of the 4 here, but I do like the beginning of punitrastogi's suggestion. 

 

Despite the fur and fangs, Isabella is Zoe's dream girl. (my minor edit suggestion for the last part -->) But the malevolent entity that cursed Isabella isn’t finished, and unless they can defeat it, this beauty will be cursed along with her beast.






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