This phrashing just bothers me with the way it's written. It just sounds purple prosey in a complicated way for my taste (molten, quench, etc). preface: I'm not saying this to argue your opinion in any way; I appreciate your thoughts and comments.... Purple prose or not, this type of phrasing is found in the book. It's the tone and style, and in my opinion, often found in this type of high-fantasy writing. For now, I'm going to leave it in. I did take into account some of the other tweaks to the hook, but this I'm going to keep as is until I determine it is hindering the query.
Okay, here's the latest revision. Thank you all for putting up with all these wildly different versions, and critiquing them. I appreciate the time everyone's taken for this and I will gladly return the favour. If I've missed someone, please just send me a nudge ;).
This version is longer than the others, at 380 words, but I'm sure there's room for lots of cutting, I just can't see it at the moment.
Thanks in advance.
[I know some people prefer this at the end, but one agent I'm submitting to said she prefers this at the top]
Burning Heart is an adult high-fantasy novel with multiple points of view and complete at 115,000 words.
[I chose to keep feel the elements here because it's so much more than just a power she uses to wield the elements. As I said before, Ember is part of the elements - a new element of sorts...a fifth element lol - but not like the leeloo-version.]
For Ember, waking a millennium after she sealed the portal to Earth is disorienting, but no longer being able to feel the elements within her -- that is far worse. As a greater elemental, Ember could move mountains and call up storms, turn the earth molten in one breath and quench it with the next. But now, that's all gone, and the Unseelie King is invading Earth once again. Only Ember stands between him and the annihilation of humanity, and unless she regains the connection to the deepest parts of herself, it's unlikely she'll be able to stop him.
[This paragraph contains one sentence of backstory. I don't know how else to pull this information in, because the lost control, and that the king is responsible for her soulmates death is important in speaking to motivation and the difficulty with her abilities]
Upon discovering that the Unseelie King killed her soulmate, Ember lost control of her powers, and in order to save both Earth and Pangaea, she sealed the portal between the worlds. But now, with the portal reopened and her once-great powers absent, Ember must return to the Seelie Court to mourn her loss, learn why she can't reach the elements, and plot her revenge against the Unseelie King.
When she learns of her soulmate's reincarnation into the human world, all Ember wants is to leave for Earth, but when she tries, she's blocked from leaving Pangaea. After seeking out her mentor, she learns that she cannot traverse the dimensions because what little power she's regained is unstable. That in order to enter Earth, and protect humanity from herself, she must first reconnect with all four elements.
With the Unseelie King's armies already in Earth, and his own greater elemental searching for the reincarnated vessel, Ember is running out of time. But with the return of the final element, comes a choice: she must choose between finding and protecting her soulmate as a young boy, or seeking out the key to end the Unseelie King's reign once and for all.