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DARIUS CARLYLE (new query #55)


Best Answer JeffJustWrites , 01 March 2017 - 06:09 PM

Thanks, Isprochnow! I think I know how to pull off your suggestion. Just a sec...

How about...

Dear [Agent],

Ancient werewolves, Jack the Ripper and black magick ebb and flow through this grievous account of damned love, the personal journals of a mystical werewolf hunter in Victorian England.

Returning home after a century-long spiritual sojourn, Darius Carlyle takes up his inheritance as Lord of Wolfstone Manor, and begins setting down his memoirs. Happening upon the indomitably alluring Katherine Harrow, he is smitten for the first time in his long life, and writes her letters. Years pass, and Darius spends blissful days with his 'dearest Kate,' now his expecting wife. By moonlight, however, Darius does what the Wolven have done best for millennia: hunt the werewolves that persist in the shadows. But when Darius receives a letter from an old friend in the fateful autumn of 1888, he incurs the malice of an ancient werewolf with a personal vendetta, and his dearest Kate is turned into his darkest fear. And in his most harrowing hour, Darius Carlyle will have to learn if he has the strength to break his own heart.

Illuminated with illustrations facsimiled from Darius's own, handwritten journal, and with potential for sequels, THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE aspires to tell the 'quintessential' werewolf tale through an epistolary dark fantasy/horror thriller of 92,000 words.

Kindest Regards, Go to the full post


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#61 JeffJustWrites

JeffJustWrites

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  • Publishing Experience:Self-published first novel MATHION on Kindle & Nook (also through Smashwords)...seeking agent for my 2nd, a New Adult epistolary dark fantasy/horror novel.

Posted Today, 12:01 AM

So I can't stop editing. Sue me haha

Dear :

I am pleased to read what kind of submissions you are seeking. The following would be my traditional publishing debut; I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

When Darius Carlyle's darkest fear is realized, he must confront the ancient werewolf responsible and make an impossible choice between saving his greatest love or savoring his vengeance.

Darius was just a boy when he killed his first werewolf, the night it ripped his mother apart. He couldn't save her, but he avenged her, and in the darkest corners of his heart he craved more. Trying to understand and control this relentless instinct takes him down paths traveled by mercenary, monk, and mystic alike. In spite of this, Darius Carlyle had killed more werewolves than anyone in centuries.

Darius has loved, but he never thought to fall in love–his life is fraught with peril under every full moon–but when his eye catches the alluring, sapphire gaze of the indomitable Katherine Harrow they fall deeply, desperately, damnably so. His dearest Kate's fearless acceptance of what he is thus becomes the link to Darius's humanity, and before long he is as devoted a husband as he is an unparalleled werewolf hunter. Then Jack the Ripper's bloody murder spree brings him to the crimson gutters of Whitechapel. As was intended, for the Ripper serves another. Cain has stalked Darius since that fateful first kill, waited with immortal patience to give Darius the vengeance he has always desired, and show him the power he can find in that dark abyss of malice. All to steal a book Darius never knew he had–a book that could have changed everything.

Using the Ripper to bring Kate into his clutches Cain, through arcane blood magic, turns her into the very thing Darius hunts. Now he must confront his own nature, find a cure that has never been found and kill the ancient werewolf that has destroyed his life, or die trying. But to help him learn to truly savor the vengeance he has always craved, Cain must know if Darius Carlyle is willing to break his own heart.

Darius records these revelations with his own hand in his personal journal. This book is that journal.

Illuminated with illustrations facsimiled from the original journal, THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is a standalone 92,000-word historical dark fantasy/horror thriller with potential for sequels that explores a new werewolf mythology, ultimately falling somewhere between Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, The Prestige by Christopher Priest, and Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf (without vampires). It is accessible to a wide range of upper-YA/NA and adult genre fiction readers. I have, per your submission guidelines, included the first # pages of the finished manuscript. Please enjoy.

Kindest regards,
JJW

#62 CM_Fick

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Posted Today, 12:18 AM

take two... 

Dear :

I am pleased to read what kind of submissions you are seeking. The following would be my traditional publishing debut; I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Ancient werewolves and esoteric magic ebb and flow around a harrowing personal account of loss, love, and bloodlust.

Darius Carlyle was just a boy when he killed his first werewolf, the night it ripped his mother apart. He couldn't save her, but he avenged her, and in the darkest corners of his heart he craved more. vengeance. you already use avenge in the sentence. Trying to understand and control this relentless urge takes him down paths traveled by mercenary, monk, and mystic alike–but in showing Darius how to truly savor vengeance, an ancient werewolf hopes to achieve his own malicious ends. Here, you want to introduce the conflict your character faces and what he will do to overcome it. 

Darius has loved, but he never thought to fall in love–his life is fraught with peril under every full moon(full stop) But when his eye catches the alluring, sapphire (this is just filler in a query)gaze of the indomitable Katherine Harrow, and defying they defy their differences and fall deeply and damnably for each one another. His dearest Upon Kate's fearless acceptance of what he is his nature, she thus becomes the Darius' link to Darius's humanity(full stop)  and Before long he is a devoted husband, an expectant father, and unparalleled among werewolf hunters. Then Jack the Ripper's bloody murder spree brings him to the crimson gutters of Whitechapel. As was intended, for the Ripper serves another. Cain has stalked Darius since that fateful first kill, waited with immortal patience to give Darius the vengeance he has always desired, and drive him over the precipice into the dark abyss of malice. This seems packed with information -- too much. Don't name Cain. I believe I've seen this suggestion before on this thread. You need to be clear and concise here. I suggest something like this - I suggest reworking it to suit your tone: After investigating a bloody murder spree, Darius uncovers the truth behind the slaughter -- that it was perpetrated by a pawn of an ancient werewolf. All One who's stalked him since his mother's death, to steal a book Darius never knew was in his possession–a book that could have changed everything.

I know I've mentioned this, but you need to be careful about being overly dramatic with your words. I'm sorry that's put bluntly. I'm not saying it's bad by any means, and used sparingly they're fine, but it's too much for the whole query. You want to keep the eye moving and the brain from having to guess too much.  

 

this next part will depend on what you use for your previous paragraph. Using the Ripper to bring Kate into his clutches, through arcane blood magic Cain turns her she's turned into the very thing Darius has devoted his life to hunt down. Now forced to finally confront his own nature, Darius must find an unknown cure that has never been found and kill the ancient werewolf that has destroyed his life, or die trying. But to help him truly savor the vengeance he has always craved, Cain must know if Darius Carlyle is willing to break his own heart. I half-assed this paragraph's edit because it will likely be rewritten based on the previous paragraph. 

 

And then that great closing you wrote. 
Darius records these revelations with his own hand in his personal journal. This book is that journal.

 

(I dug this out from an earlier version) A record of a werewolf hunter's darkest secrets– and damned love -- THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is a standalone 92,000-word historical dark fantasy/horror thriller, (this is too many genres pick two max) Illuminated with illustrations facsimiled from the original journal.  with potential for sequels that explores a new werewolf mythology, ultimately falling somewhere This adult novel lands between Susanna Clarke's Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, and The Prestige by Christopher Priest, (pick two and italicize the book names) and Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf (without vampires). It is accessible to a wide range of upper-YA/NA and adult genre fiction readers.  (pick one) I have, per your submission guidelines, included the first # pages of the finished manuscript. Please enjoy.

Kindest regards,
JJW

 

Hey, 

 

Here are my thoughts on this version.

 

Good luck.






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