Darius Carlyle is an affront to the human condition.[This tells me nothing as to why, so I'm not really hooked by it. I much prefer the opening of your next paragraph to this one, since it gives me some reasoning as to the "why" he's an affront to the human condition. But I don't need you telling me before you show me (see? Same "Show don't tell" rules apply to queries sometimes. :) )]
Eeighteen decades ["eighteen decades" is 180 years, but the phrasing of "18 decades" sounds off, so maybe round up and say something along the lines of "nearly two centuries/two-hundred years" because I had to pause and do the math for a second and you never want to give an agent an excuse to stop reading--especially to do math.] spentsteeped in slaughter hunting werewolves, and ;it's understandable how Darius went so long without love is at once entirely understandable and utterly unanswerable. [I'd explain the obvious as to why he went so long without it, throw in some wit or sass if that's in line with your writing style (his job is messy, he works late nights, didn't want his lover getting eaten by wolves or turned, etc.)] ForBut there is no answerexplaination to the inimitablespark Katherine Harrow possesses, almost in spite of her mortality. [HOW DOES HE MEET KATE AFTER EIGHTEEN CENTURIES OF LOVING NO ONE? This fact might be important and helps tie the two of them together.] But Kate's fearless acceptance of the good man she knows Darius to be, come whatever and whateverconsequences (less wordy) be damned [This makes me assume that others say he's not a great guy, or that he doesn't consider himself a great guy--but I want to know who says these things and why because consequences be damned is a bit vague], convinces him this must be love. They marriedmarry in 1881 [and...? Is it a happy marriage? Does he settle down? Does she help him with cases?]. Seven years later, in the Autumn of 1888, Darius hunts down a berserker immortalized in the papers as 'Jack the Ripper'. [I like where this is going]
When Kate follows Darius to London, bent on helping him investigate the Ripper's slew of murders, she proves herself preternaturally cunning. Then, in service to an ancient werewolf, the Ripper takes her captive. Darius tracks and kills the Ripper, rescues his dearest Kate–but the werewolf evades capture. And to his horror, Darius finds Kate cursed with an arcane form of lycanthropy. [The bulk of this paragraph seems to be simply filling in gaps between Point A and Point B. I think this could use some rewording so I don't feel like I'm reading a plot summary. I'm also wondering (after reading the rest of your letter) how far into the novel Kate's curse starts to take affect/come into play. If he realizes she's curesed close to or after the main halfway point, I'd be wary of spending so long on the buildup of their relationship in your query. -- Basically after reading your whole letter I'm curious where the book actually starts out in the timeline of events you've listed here, and if there's a better way to frame your query around that same time frame. Message me if you'd like to talk this out. :) ]
As Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon, Darius's self-doubt waxes [Personally I'd flip this sentence so it reads "Darius's self-doubt waxes as Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon." so you avoid starting the sentence with a preposition, but that's just me.]. Scouring every ancient scrap of lore he can
decipher, Darius searchesscrambles to find fora cure never known to exist. But as Kate's monstrous affliction breeds atrocity [does Kate start murdering people or is she just a hideous werewolf in transition and Darius can't stand the sight of her? Both ellicit two different levels of urgancy and an indication at either would help the reader guage how pressing the issue and or how vain Darius is :)], Darius finds himself wondering if he has the strength to break his own heart. [I LIKE THIS.]
THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is a standalone "romantic" horror/thriller, complete at 92,000 words. The work is transcribed [what do you mean by this?], and includes select facsimiles, from
'Darius's 'handwritten journal. This novel would appeal to readers who enjoy everything between the depth ofJonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke and the breadth ofGlen Duncan's The Last Werewolf Trilogy. [Good comp titles!] Per your submission guidelines I have provided a synopsis [some agents may not ask for a symopsis but I like that you have this in there, just make sure everything fits to the agent's requests with each submission. Attaching unasked for materials won't win you brownie points.] and the first # pages of the manuscript , the whole of which is gladly available on request[Every agent assumes this]. I very muchappreciate your time and consideration.
So I know it looks like I slaughtered your letter. I tried not to and differentiated my comments from my actual changes via different colors so you weren't shocked by a sea of red (they're mostly blue comments, obviously). I think a lot of this just needs to be tightened up word-wise, and a couple points of expansion. Especially if they're actually described in the manuscript (how he meets Kate, and why he doesn't look for love sooner are prime points).
I'm also struggling to figure out exactly where your story takes place as I feel the first two and a half full paragraphs offer up (potentially) a lot of backstory that the reader never lives through in Darius's story--though granted I have no way of knowing this without reading the actual manuscript. And I've got a big concern about that seven-year summary of their marriage and what role Kate plays in their relationship and how glossed over Darius's search for The Ripper seems to be. Like, if she helps Darius track, it makes sense for her to feel pretty confident in joining him on the hunt for The Ripper. If it's her first time out/she's attempting to help behind his back and ends up getting caught, then it changes the reader's perception of her, so having that explained one way or another can be very useful for learning both about Kate and Darius's characters as well as the temperament of their relationship--and it can be done in just a couple short sentences.
Again, most of my comments are shortening some wordiness and prodding for a bit more specificity, so take a read-through and don't panic too much. You've got a really cool concept here.