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DARIUS CARLYLE (newest version in #204)


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#201 hermitage

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Posted 06 July 2017 - 12:19 AM

 

I'm wondering...

 

A century and more hunting werewolves, Darius Carlyle has experienced and committed every conceivable horror. Happening upon the enigmatic Katherine Harrow, however, bloodlust is vanquished by love unlooked for there should be a hyphen in "unlooked-for" and undeserved. 

 

It is his dearest Kate who encourages Darius to investigate the grisly slew of murders London's penny dreadfuls attribute to one 'Jack the Ripper.' Darius discovers the Ripper is in fact a berserker, in service to a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta. Kate, refusing to sit idly by, follows him to Whitechapel. Darius becomes nearly unhinged when the Ripper takes her as its next intended victim I think you're burying this important plot development in a thicket of other verbiage; although he succeeds in hunting it down with vicious prejudice, Darius fails to kill its werewolf master. Beyond relieved to find his wife, alive and miraculously unharmed, Darius realizes too late that Kate's death was never the werewolf's design. How far into the plot are you getting with this query? I think in most cases you shouldn't get more than about 30% in, right? Here it seems like you might be taking on too much of the plot, and rushing a bit as a result...

 
Suffering lycanthropy only a True Ancient could inflict, Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Now Darius Carlyle must find a cure never known to exist reword?, or find the strength to break his own heart. Okay, so he's a werewolf hunter, his wife is a normal person who makes him happy, but then a werewolf turns her into a werewolf also. So then he has to either cure her or kill her. Fair enough. But what exactly does this add to other stories in the same vein?
 
THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE, a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, is complete at 92,000 words. Presented as a recovered journal and including selected, illustrative facsimiles, readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf would enjoy this standalone with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have included the first # pages. I very much appreciate your time and consideration. 
 
Kindest regards,
JJW

 



#202 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 06 July 2017 - 10:09 AM

Thanks for the review, hermit! The difference is three-pronged (clawed, fanged, what have you): 1. This story is wholly werewolf-centric (Meaning no vampires; I hate vamps); 2. I incorporate the entire "lycanthropantheon" (purebreds, halfbreeds, berserkers, skinwalkers); 3. My werewolves are capable of black magic (called "ebbic magick" in the book)

 

Also, the facsimiles I mentioned show mystical symbology and languages of my own creation.


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#203 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 06 July 2017 - 02:14 PM

Oh also, hermit, you reviewed a WAHAY earlier draft of the query! haha..the most recent is in post 198, I believe.


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#204 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 06 July 2017 - 02:53 PM

FYI, THIS is the most current version. Will update thread title accordingly. Thanks for all your help guys! Trying to critique yours in return, just crazily busy w/ job hunting and querying. Message me if I neglect you!

 

Dear Agent:

 

In autumn 1888, werewolf hunter Darius Carlyle investigates a grisly slew of murders which London's penny dreadfuls attribute to one 'Jack the Ripper.' But when his beloved Kate unexpectedly follows him to Whitechapel, Darius fears more for her safety than his own life. Then, as he should have known, the Ripper takes Kate as next intended victim. While he succeeds in hunting the Ripper down, Darius fails to kill its master: a werewolf harboring an ancient vendetta. But Kate's death was never its design, and Darius soon learns the true depths of the creature's malice. 

 

Suffering the agony of arcane lycanthropy, Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Defying all he has been raised to believe, Darius Carlyle must now find a cure never known to exist, or else find the strength to break his own heart and kill the monster his dearest Kate has become. 

 

THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, complete at 92,000 words. Presented as a recovered journal incorporating select illustrative facsimiles, this standalone story is a bloody blend of The Prestige and From Hell with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have provided the first # pages, and am happy to provide the full manuscript upon request. I very much appreciate your time and consideration.

 

Kindest regards,
JJW

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#205 JoanB

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Posted 06 July 2017 - 07:09 PM

I've read through the most recent versions (the ones from July) and I think this is the best of the bunch. Couple of questions: in earlier versions I got the impression that Darius was some sort of immortal or supernatural being. Is that true? Also, in the second paragraph, you say "Defying all he has been raised to believe"...Is there some way to at least intimate a little about Darius' true nature. (Glad you took out the stuff about his bloodlust, etc.)

 

One other question: the phrase "incorporating select illustrative facsimiles"...not sure what that means. Would it be enough to say that the book presents Darius's recovered journal?

 

Best of luck with this, JJW. I can see how hard you've been working, and I admire your persistence. I'm in the agent-query phase and am finding it quite a challenge.

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#206 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 06 July 2017 - 07:16 PM

Thanks Joan! :) to answer your questions:

 

1. Yes, Darius is a supernatural being called a Wolven, however it was too much world building for the query. He's not immortal (I use the term supramortal when describing the exact nature of his people) but he does have a substantial lifespan. At the start of the book he's roughly 180 (200-201 through the bulk)

 

2. I'll try to make some intimations, but it's so tied in with the Wolven stuff; I wouldn't want to convolute the query. 

 

3. "Illustrative facsimiles" is my way of saying scans of certain journal pages detailing Wolven mystical practices as they relate to hunting werewolves. But your way sounds much smoother.

 

I've read through the most recent versions (the ones from July) and I think this is the best of the bunch. Couple of questions: in earlier versions I got the impression that Darius was some sort of immortal or supernatural being. Is that true? Also, in the second paragraph, you say "Defying all he has been raised to believe"...Is there some way to at least intimate a little about Darius' true nature. (Glad you took out the stuff about his bloodlust, etc.)

 

One other question: the phrase "incorporating select illustrative facsimiles"...not sure what that means. Would it be enough to say that the book presents Darius's recovered journal?

 

Best of luck with this, JJW. I can see how hard you've been working, and I admire your persistence. I'm in the agent-query phase and am finding it quite a challenge.

JoanB

 

 

Back to work! haha


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

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#207 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 06 July 2017 - 07:39 PM

New version:

 

Dear Agent:

 

Darius Carlyle only ever desired two things in his unnatural life: werewolves to hunt, and someone to love. By cruel happenstance, his dearest Kate becomes one and the same. 

 

In 1888 Darius investigates the slew of murders London's penny dreadfuls attribute to one 'Jack the Ripper.' When Kate unexpectedly follows him to Whitechapel to help, her cunning makes her the Ripper's next intended victim. Worse yet, the true threat reveals itself in the form of the Ripper's master, an ancient werewolf. However, Kate's death was never its ultimate intent, and Darius soon learns the depths of the creature's malice. 

 

Darius neither knows nor cares why, and refuses to do what his people have done for millennia. All he knows is Kate's humanity is waning, her agony waxing with each full moon. Should he fail to find a cure never known to exist, and hunt down the werewolf responsible for their suffering, he must find the strength to break his own heart and kill the monster his greatest love has become. 

 

THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, complete at 92,000 words. Presented as Darius's recovered journal, this standalone story is a bloody blend of The Prestige and From Hell with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have provided the first # pages, and am happy to provide the full manuscript upon request. I very much appreciate your time and consideration.

 

Kindest regards,
JJW

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#208 lionspaws

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Posted 07 July 2017 - 10:07 AM

Dear Agent:

 

Darius Carlyle only ever desired two things in his unnatural life: werewolves to hunt, and someone to love. By cruel happenstance, his dearest Kate becomes one and the same. YES! I like this. Super clear. "Dearest" just seems a little sappy to me; maybe just wife? 

 

In 1888 Darius investigates the slew of murders London's penny dreadfuls attribute to one 'Jack the Ripper.' When Kate unexpectedly follows him to Whitechapel to help, her cunning makes her I think you could just say "Kate becomes..." -- less wordy the Ripper's next intended victim. Worse yet, the true threat reveals itself in the form of the Ripper's master, an ancient werewolf. However, Kate's death was never its ultimate intent, and Darius soon learns the depths of the creature's malice. So the Ripper is human? 

 

Darius neither knows nor cares why, and refuses to do what his people have done for millennia. This sentence is vague and confusing. I would just skip it. All he knows is Kate's humanity is waning, her agony waxing with each full moon. Should If he fails to find a cure never known to exist, and hunt down the werewolf responsible for their suffering, he must find the strength to break his own heart and kill the monster his greatest love has become. So does he continue to try and pursue the Ripper as well? Maybe just somehow wrap that up, since Jack the Ripper is significant and people will wonder. 

 

THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, complete at 92,000 words. Presented as Darius's recovered journal, this standalone story is a bloody blend of The Prestige and From Hell with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have provided the first # pages, and am happy to provide the full manuscript upon request. I very much appreciate your time and consideration.

 

Kindest regards,

 

Really great! I like this version. 


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#209 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 07 July 2017 - 10:26 AM

Haha..well the reason I'm hellbent on "dearest Kate" is because that's how Darius begins each letter to her throughout the book. Just a little hint. ;)


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

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#210 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 07 July 2017 - 10:44 AM

New version (w/ Ripper wrap-up):

 

Dear Agent:

 

Darius Carlyle only ever desired two things in his unnatural life: werewolves to hunt, and someone to love. By cruel happenstance, his dearest Kate becomes one and the same. 

 

In 1888 Darius investigates the slew of murders London's penny dreadfuls attribute to Jack the Ripper. When Kate follows him to Whitechapel, she becomes the Ripper's next intended victim. Unhinged, Darius hunts the Ripper down with murderous prejudice. But the Ripper's death reveals the true threat of an ancient werewolf, and Darius soon learns the depths of the creature's malice. 

 

All Darius knows is Kate's humanity now wanes with each full moon. Should he fail to find a cure and hunt down the werewolf responsible for their suffering, Darius Carlyle must find the strength to break his own heart and kill the monster his greatest love has become. 

 

THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is a Young Adult gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, complete at 92,000 words. Presented as Darius's recovered journal, this standalone story is a bloody blend of The Prestige and From Hell with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have provided the first # pages, and am happy to provide the full manuscript upon request. I very much appreciate your time and consideration.

 

Kindest regards
JJW

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#211 RG Christmas

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Posted 07 July 2017 - 01:57 PM

 

I'm wondering...

 

A century and more hunting werewolves, Darius Carlyle has experienced and committed every conceivable horror. Happening upon the enigmatic Katherine Harrow, however, bloodlust is vanquished by love unlooked for and undeserved. I like the hook, but I don't like the word unlooked.  Maybe bloodlust is vanquished by an abstinent and undeserved love.

 

It is his dearest Kate who encourages Darius to investigate the grisly slew of murders London's penny dreadfuls attribute to one 'Jack the Ripper.' Darius discovers the Ripper is in fact a berserker, in service a devout loyalist to a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta. Kate, refusing to sit idly by, follows him to Whitechapel. Darius becomes nearly unhinged when the Ripper takes her as its next intended victim; although he succeeds in hunting it down with vicious prejudice, Darius fails to kill its werewolf master. Beyond relieved to find his wife, alive and miraculously unharmed, Darius realizes too late that Kate's death was never the werewolf's design.

 
Suffering lycanthropy only a True Ancient could inflict, Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Now Darius Carlyle must find a cure never known to exist, or find the strength to break his own heart. 
 
THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE, a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, is complete at 92,000 words. Presented as a recovered journal and including selected, illustrative facsimiles, readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf would enjoy this standalone with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have included the first # pages. I very much appreciate your time and consideration. 
 
Kindest regards,
JJW

 

I like the premise.  Interesting twist to mix Jack the Ripper and werewolves together for the story.  I like it.  This is my first critique, hopefully I provided a little help.  I know I need more practice.  Thanks for your critique of my story as well.  Interesting side note on the Jimmeny story.  My father was determined to name first son Jimmeny and first daughter Merry.  My mother said pick one.  Well, Merry has enjoyed her name throughout her life and much attention as well.  Even a spot on the Johnny Carson show with Johnny.  Keep up the hard work as I will do the same.  I will continue to follow you and your query.  Let me know if I can do more.

Thanks

RG



#212 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 08 July 2017 - 01:36 PM

Thanks, RG! Nice input.

 

Just wanted to tell you all, I GOT A PARTIAL REQUEST TODAY!!!! Ahhhh!!! So pumped!


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

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#213 RG Christmas

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 02:51 PM

Thanks, RG! Nice input.

 

Just wanted to tell you all, I GOT A PARTIAL REQUEST TODAY!!!! Ahhhh!!! So pumped!

 

Congrats Jeff!  That is awesome.  I was checking back to see how your final turned out.  I like it lot.  Great job!  Obviously, the hard work is paying off.  Now you need the full request for manuscript and a book deal.  Great job.



#214 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 09:57 PM

Thanks man! Yeah, that's all I need haha..*hyperventilates*


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#215 jaustail

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 11:06 PM

Hello

Congrats on the partial request!!

 

The query letter is also interesting.

 

Also 11 pages of query letter and critiques. Wow... that's good persistence. Inspiring.



#216 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 24 July 2017 - 01:00 PM

Guys, one of my crappier queries got me a FULL *hyperventilates* & in honor of the impending Pitch Wars to be waged, would love your thoughts on this newest iteration:

 

Dear Agent:

Darius Carlyle only ever desired two things in his unnatural life: werewolves to hunt and someone to love. By cruelest happenstance, his dearest Kate is turned into the very thing his ancestors spent millennia slaughtering. 

In 1888, Darius investigates the slew of murders committed by Jack the Ripper, whom Darius suspects is a werewolf. His wife, Kate, follows him to Whitechapel, adamant in aiding Darius, and unwittingly becomes the Ripper's next intended victim. Though Darius hunts the Ripper down and rescues her, the Ripper's death reveals the true threat of an ancient, purebred werewolf. Darius learns the depths of the creature's immortal malice, and his darkest fear becomes his horrifying reality.

As Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon, Darius becomes obsessed with finding a cure for lycanthropy never proven to exist. Darius scours every scrap of ancient lore he can decipher while self-doubt gnaws at his heart. Attempt after attempt proves futile, until the werewolf that turned her becomes the key to Kate's salvation. Should he fail utterly, Darius will have no recourse but to find the resolve to kill the monster his greatest love has become. And Darius would rather die than break his own heart.

THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is an epistolary historical/dark fantasy, complete at 87,000 words. Presented as Darius's recovered journal, this standalone story is a bloody blend of The Prestige and Penny Dreadful with commercial appeal and series potential.


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#217 TheBest

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Posted 28 July 2017 - 06:29 PM

What's up? Congrats on getting request. Good luck. Time for me to pick this apart...

 

Dear Agent:

 

Darius Carlyle only ever desired two things in his unnatural life: werewolves to hunt, and someone to love. But By cruelest happenstance, his dearest Kate (elaborate on who Kate is. Say Lover or wife. But hopefully something less awkward :)) is turned into the very thing his ancestors spent millennia slaughtering. 

In 1888, Darius investigates the slew of murders committed by Jack the Ripper, whom Darius suspects is a werewolf. His wife, Kate, follows him to Whitechapel, adamant in aiding Darius, and unwittingly becomes the Ripper's next intended victim. Though Darius hunts the Ripper down and rescues her, the Ripper's death reveals the true threat of an ancient, purebred werewolf. Darius learns the depths of the creature's immortal malice, and his darkest fear becomes his horrifying reality. (This is fire.)

As Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon, Darius becomes obsessed with finding a cure for lycanthropy never proven to exist. Darius scours every scrap of ancient lore he can decipher while self-doubt gnaws at his heart. Attempt after attempt proves futile, until the werewolf that turned her becomes the key to Kate's salvation. Should he fail utterly, Darius will have no recourse but to find the resolve to kill the monster his greatest love has become. And Darius would rather die than break his own heart. (Loved this before, still love it.)

THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is an epistolary(Might not use this) historical/dark fantasy, complete at 87,000 words. Presented as Darius's recovered journal, this standalone story is a bloody blend of The Prestige and Penny Dreadful (Good comps!!!) with commercial appeal and series potential.

 

​This is great. Improved since I last read it. The only suggestion I have is to make the first sentence more obvious. Other than that, this is perfect. Good luck with your request, and keep me posted.






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