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DARIUS CARLYLE (newest version in #204)


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#161 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 09:45 PM

Hmm...I thought killing the Ripper was implied...damn. Nice catch :)

 

But yes, the Ripper is a minor antagonist in the grand scheme. The real antagonist is the ancient werewolf, but I've been advised it's a good idea to stick to your first act and a half, and then a choice for the MC that'll define the ending. In theory, the Ripper (what they know) is what gets the readers' attention, then I turn what they think they know on its head :) haha... You did help, a lot, thanks :)

 

EDIT: Speaking of your help, ana, newest version for the newest page:

 

 


Dear Agent:

 

Whispers of a berserker in Whitechapel catch Darius Carlyle's ear. Victorian London's penny dreadfuls attribute the slew of grisly murders to one 'Jack the Ripper,' and other such nonsense. Darius's journal details names, dates, and persons crucial to the case. The previous decade and a half (recorded in this same journal) will pale in comparison to this fateful hunt. 

 
All comparison pales indeed, when Darius's indomitable wife Kate follows him. She refuses to sit idle, bent on aiding the investigation. Hunting the Ripper brings out a resourcefulness and cunning in Kate Darius had never known, and loves her all the more for. When the Ripper snatches her right under Darius's nose, at the behest of an ancient werewolf with a personal vendetta, Darius must track and kill the Ripper. Though he rescues Kate (by some miracle unharmed) and the Ripper is slain, the werewolf escapes. Just as Darius's fears begin to abate, however, he realizes that the werewolf never intended to kill her. Far too late does he realize that his dearest Kate has been cursed with an arcane form of lycanthropy; one only a purebred–a so-called 'True Ancient'–could inflict.
 
Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Darius's despair waxes. He scours every ancient scrap of lore he can decipher for a cure never known to exist, exhausting every esoteric option no matter how extreme. Nothing works. Kate's monstrous affliction overwhelms her. And Darius Carlyle finds himself wondering if he has the strength to break his own heart.
 
An adult gothic romance with fantastical elements told through--and including select facsimiles from--his own handwritten journal, THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is complete at 94,000 words. A standalone with series potential, this novel would enjoy commercial and NA crossover appeal with readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf. Per your submission guidelines, I have provided the first # pages of the manuscript. I greatly appreciate your time and consideration.
 
Kindest regards,
JJW
 

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#162 jaustail

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 03:32 AM

JMO:

 

 

Dear Agent:

 

Whispers of a berserker in Whitechapel catch (maybe write profession: is he a detective?)Darius Carlyle's ear. Victorian London's penny dreadfuls attribute the slew of grisly murders to one 'Jack the Ripper,' and other such nonsense. Darius's journal details names, dates, and persons(people) crucial to the case. The previous decade and a half (recorded in this same journal) will pale in comparison to this fateful hunt. 

 
All comparison pales indeed, when Darius's indomitable wife Kate follows him. She refuses to sit idle, bent on aiding the investigation. Hunting the Ripper brings out a resourcefulness and cunning in Kate Darius had never known, and (add: he)loves her all the more for. When the Ripper snatches her right under Darius's nose(cliche but more importantly adds word count. maybe avoid in query), at the behest of an ancient werewolf with a personal vendetta, Darius must track and kill the Ripper. Though he rescues Kate (by some miracle unharmed)(maybe replace with: and is surprised to see her unharmed. brackets are distracting or remove the unharmed part) and the Ripper is slain, the werewolf escapes. Just as Darius's fears begin to abate, however, he realizes that the werewolf never intended to kill her. Far too late does he realize that his dearest Kate has been cursed with an arcane form of lycanthropy; one only a purebred–a so-called 'True Ancient'–could inflict.
 
Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Darius's despair waxes. He scours every ancient scrap of lore he can decipher for a cure never known to exist, exhausting every esoteric option no matter how extreme. Nothing works. Kate's monstrous affliction overwhelms her. And Darius Carlyle finds himself wondering if he has the strength to break his own heart.
 
An adult gothic romance(i found it more thriller than romance) with fantastical elements told through--and including select facsimiles from--his own handwritten journal(maybe remove this), THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is complete at 94,000 words. A standalone with series potential, this novel would enjoy commercial and NA crossover appeal with readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf. Per your submission guidelines, I have provided the first # pages of the manuscript. I greatly appreciate your time and consideration.
 
 
It's well written. maybe remove the 'told through handwritten journal'. I don't know Darius Carlyle.
 
Good luck.

Query: WALL OF ICE

(Space Opera)

Revised version: Link


#163 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 11:06 AM

Thanks jaus! For the record, "facsimiles"=illustrations=scans of journal pages with symbology & scripts & spells on it :) 

 

JJW


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

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#164 Sreid

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 05:24 PM

Hi JJW,

 

I think this is getting closer, and there are parts I really like.

 

Dear Agent:

 

Whispers of a berserker ​This word gives me an image of as word-waving viking running amock. in Whitechapel catch Officer/Inspector Darius Carlyle's ear. Victorian London's penny dreadfuls attribute the slew of grisly murders to one 'Jack the Ripper,' and other such nonsense. Darius's journal details names, dates, and persons crucial to the case. ​I don't think this actually adds anything to the tension of the moment. You're not trying to sell the actual and complete journal at this point, but the story you create from it. The previous decade and a half (recorded in this same journal) ​At this point, we have no reason to be interested in the previous decade and a half, or two years or fifty three years Darius's life. Why mention it, and what significance does it have? will pale in comparison to this fateful hunt. 

 
All comparison pales indeed, when ​Sounds redundant and do. esn't tie in with the rest of the sentence. Darius's indomitable wife Kate follows him. She refuses to sit idle, bent on aiding the investigation. Hunting the Ripper brings out a resourcefulness and cunning in Kate ​which Darius had never known, and loves her all the more for. When the Ripper snatches her right under Darius's nose, at the behest of an ancient ​ This is redundant since you later tell us the werewolf is called a "True Ancient". werewolf with a personal vendetta ​Is this vendetta aimed at Kate or Darius? Unless you plan on giving us some details about it, like they killed his son or something, I'd leave it out, Darius must track and kill the Ripper. Though he rescues Kate (by some miracle unharmed) ​Parenthesis tend to make me read slower and harm the pace, and that's something you don't want in a query. and the Ripper is slain, the werewolf escapes. Just as Darius's fears ​Fears about what? He's saved Kate so I'd expect him to feel elation rather than fear. begin to abate, however, he realizes that the werewolf never intended to kill her. Far too late does he realize that his dearest Kate has been cursed with an arcane form of lycanthropy; one only a purebred–a so-called 'True Ancient'–could inflict.
 
Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Darius's despair waxes. He scours every ancient scrap of lore he can decipher for a cure never known to exist, ​I like this. exhausting every esoteric option no matter how extreme. Nothing works. Kate's monstrous affliction overwhelms her. And Darius Carlyle finds himself wondering if he has the strength to break his own heart. This sentence is good and would come across even better if you could get rid of "finds himself wondering" and replace it with less passive verbs.
 
An adult gothic romance with fantastical elements told through--and including select facsimiles from--his own handwritten journal​ You're trying to get them interested in reading the synopsis or first chapter here, not facsimiles or things you've handwritten. If you get an agent hooked and they ask to see the entire manuscript, that might be a better point at which to mention these items., THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is complete at 94,000 words. A standalone with series potential, this novel would enjoy commercial and NA crossover appeal with ​This is wordy and passive ​Readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf will enjoy this standalone story with series potential. Per your submission guidelines, I have provided the first # pages of the manuscript. I greatly appreciate your time and consideration.
 
Kindest regards,

 

 

I hope my humble opinions and suggestions help.



#165 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 30 June 2017 - 08:04 AM

Dang, Sreid, that's a lot of red. I see what you're saying though so ok *cracks knuckles*

 

Let's do this.

 

Couple justifications:

 

"Berserker", while a Norse ("Viking") word, is here used in context with the werewolf theme of the book. I chose it specifically because it stands out, and I would trust an agent to know what a berserker is. That said, you gave me insight into the opening sentence itself, so thank you for that. Also, Darius is no Inspector. He's a two hundred year old mystical werewolf hunter. Why confine yourself to one city? haha

 

The journal- Actually, this is important. This is the method by which I tell this story, and it's critical the agent knows this up front. As for the final paragraph, I think it'd be important for an agent to know if the book I'm querying contains illustrations. 

 

Dear Agent:

 

Darius Carlyle hears whispers of a werewolf in Whitechapel. Victorian London's penny dreadfuls attribute the slew of grisly murders to one 'Jack the Ripper,' and other such nonsense. Darius, however, records the truth: names, dates, and persons crucial to the case are detailed in his personal journal. In his century and a half hunting werewolves, Darius has experienced every conceivable horror. Until his wife Kate follows him to Whitechapel.

 
Kate refuses to sit idle, bent on aiding the investigation. Hunting the Ripper brings out a resourcefulness and cunning in Kate which Darius had never known, and loves her all the more for. But just as they close in on the Ripper, the thing takes Kate. In tracking and killing it Darius discovers the Ripper is a berserker, the servant of a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta. And though Darius rescues Kate, unharmed, the werewolf escapes.
 
Far too late does Darius realize that the werewolf never intended to kill her, and has cursed his dearest Kate with an arcane form of lycanthropy; one only a so-called 'True Ancient' could inflict. Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Darius's despair waxes. He scours every ancient scrap of lore he can decipher for a cure never known to exist, exhausting every esoteric option no matter how extreme. Nothing works. Kate's monstrous affliction begins overwhelming her. If his dearest Kate is truly beyond saving, Darius Carlyle must find the strength to break his own heart.
 
An adult gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is complete at 93,000 words. Readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf would enjoy this standalone with series potential. Per your submission guidelines, I have provided the first # pages of the manuscript. I greatly appreciate your time and consideration.
 
Kindest regards,
JJW

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#166 Joni

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Posted 30 June 2017 - 09:13 AM

 

 

Dear Agent:

 

Whispers of a berserker in Whitechapel catch Darius Carlyle's ear. Victorian London's penny dreadfuls attribute the slew of grisly murders to one 'Jack the Ripper,' and other such nonsense. Darius's journal details names, dates, and persons crucial to the case. The previous decade and a half (recorded in this same journal) will pale in comparison to this fateful hunt. (You left off that he is a werewolf hunter, and I think that is critical to understanding the rest of this).

 
All comparison pales indeed, when Darius's indomitable wife Kate follows him. She refuses to sit idle, bent on aiding the investigation. Hunting the Ripper brings out a resourcefulness and cunning in Kate Darius had never known, and loves her all the more for. When the Ripper snatches her right under Darius's nose, at the behest of an ancient werewolf with a personal vendetta, Darius must track and kill the Ripper. Though he rescues Kate (by some miracle unharmed) and the Ripper is slain, the werewolf escapes. Just as Darius's fears begin to abate, however, he realizes that the werewolf never intended to kill her. Far too late does he realize that his dearest Kate has been cursed with an arcane form of lycanthropy; one only a purebred–a so-called 'True Ancient'–could inflict.
 
Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Darius's despair waxes. He scours every ancient scrap of lore he can decipher for a cure never known to exist, exhausting every esoteric option no matter how extreme. Nothing works. Kate's monstrous affliction overwhelms her. And Darius Carlyle finds himself wondering if he has the strength to break his own heart.
 
An adult gothic romance with fantastical elements told through--and including select facsimiles from--his own handwritten journal, THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE is complete at 94,000 words. A standalone with series potential, this novel would enjoy commercial and NA crossover appeal with readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf. Per your submission guidelines, I have provided the first # pages of the manuscript. I greatly appreciate your time and consideration.
 
Kindest regards,
JJW
 

 

This is really good.  And at some point you're going to have to stop editing  ;) Just add back in that he's a werewolf hunter or none of this makes sense.  Also, if you have a minute - i have a new revision up for my query The Bones of Santorini.  Thanks!!



#167 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 30 June 2017 - 09:35 AM

This is really good.  And at some point you're going to have to stop editing  ;) Just add back in that he's a werewolf hunter or none of this makes sense.  Also, if you have a minute - i have a new revision up for my query The Bones of Santorini.  Thanks!!

 

 

Haha, thanks, and I know, I know! The perfectionist in me wants to wow the bloody hell out of the agent and get this damn thing published.

 

But see post 165. Sreid drew blood, and I couldn't be happier for it.


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#168 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 07:30 PM

Alright, I have no idea what happened, but I think...

 

Dear Agent:

 

In his century and more hunting werewolves, Darius Carlyle has experienced and committed every conceivable horror. Then he happens upon the enigmatic Katherine Harrow, and bloodlust is vanquished by love unlooked for, and undeserved. 

 

When Darius hears whispers of a werewolf prowling the bloody gutters of Whitechapel, it is Kate who encourages him to take the case. While London's papers and penny dreadfuls attribute the slew of grisly murders to one 'Jack the Ripper,' Darius discovers the Ripper is in fact a berserker in service to a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta. Everything changes when Kate, refusing to sit idly by, follows Darius to Whitechapel, and the Ripper takes her as its next intended victim. Unhinged, Darius tracks and kills the Ripper with vicious prejudice. Though unable to kill its werewolf master, his dearest Kate he finds alive, and miraculously unharmed. Then Darius realizes that Kate's death was never the werewolf's design.

 
Cursed with an arcane form of lycanthropy only a so-called 'True Ancient' could inflict, Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Darius's despair waxes as he scours every scrap of lore he can decipher for a cure never known to exist. For if his dearest Kate is truly beyond saving, then Darius Carlyle must find the strength to break his own heart. 
 
THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE, a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, is complete at 92,000 words. Presented as a recovered journal and including selected, illustrative facsimiles, readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf would enjoy this standalone with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have included the first # pages. I very much appreciate your time and consideration. 
 
Kindest regards,
JJW

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#169 Veldehar

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 09:23 PM

You seem to be doing your dangedest to delay getting to the meat of your sentences. If I'm an agent I'm going to see this as a potential bad habit. IMO get back to straight sentences, be concise and be dramatic. I've liked some previous efforts better. It's a query, the prose doesn't have to be spectacular, it needs to be spectacular in getting attention.

 

Look at the first sentence, what's important here, a hundred years+ hunting WW, or Darius Carlyle? I'm betting you know the answer. Start with the subject, he counts, the rest is backstory. And look at sentence first words:

 

In

Then

When

While

Everything

Unhinged

Though

Then

Cursed

Darius's... hey, finally starts with a character, heh heh.

For

 

Okay! Now, I'm going to go back and look at those from the last version I commented on:

 

Autumn

Werewolf

Darius's

Meanwhile

To

She

Then

Nevertheless

Darius's

One

Kate's

Darius's

Then

And

 

Okay, still too many 'thens' as I mentioned previously, and the nevertheless is superfluous, but on a whole, these are more solid sentence starts. You can't always avoid then and other things, but if you straighten out the sentences you're going to like yourself better, I swear, heh heh. :biggrin: 

 

 

Alright, I have no idea what happened, but I think...

 

Dear Agent:

 

In his century and more hunting werewolves, Darius Carlyle has experienced and committed every conceivable horror. Then he happens upon the enigmatic Katherine Harrow, and bloodlust is vanquished by love unlooked for, and undeserved. 

 

When Darius hears whispers of a werewolf prowling the bloody gutters of Whitechapel, it is Kate who encourages him to take the case. While London's papers and penny dreadfuls attribute the slew of grisly murders to one 'Jack the Ripper,' Darius discovers the Ripper is in fact a berserker in service to a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta. Everything changes when Kate, refusing to sit idly by, follows Darius to Whitechapel, and the Ripper takes her as its next intended victim. Unhinged, Darius tracks and kills the Ripper with vicious prejudice. Though unable to kill its werewolf master, his dearest Kate he finds alive, and miraculously unharmed. Then Darius realizes that Kate's death was never the werewolf's design.

 
Cursed with an arcane form of lycanthropy only a so-called 'True Ancient' could inflict, Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Darius's despair waxes as he scours every scrap of lore he can decipher for a cure never known to exist. For if his dearest Kate is truly beyond saving, then Darius Carlyle must find the strength to break his own heart. 
 
THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE, a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, is complete at 92,000 words. Presented as a recovered journal and including selected, illustrative facsimiles, readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf would enjoy this standalone with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have included the first # pages. I very much appreciate your time and consideration. 
 
Kindest regards,
JJW

 

 

 



#170 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 09:33 PM

Thanks Veld!

 

I THINK I get what you're saying, but I'm not quite sure WHAT you're saying haha...I personally like this one best of all of them so far. 


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#171 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 09:42 PM

I'm wondering...

 

A century and more hunting werewolves, Darius Carlyle has experienced and committed every conceivable horror. Happening upon the enigmatic Katherine Harrow, however, bloodlust is vanquished by love unlooked for and undeserved. 

 

It is his dearest Kate who encourages Darius to investigate the grisly slew of murders London's penny dreadfuls attribute to one 'Jack the Ripper.' Darius discovers the Ripper is in fact a berserker, in service to a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta. Kate, refusing to sit idly by, follows him to Whitechapel. Darius becomes nearly unhinged when the Ripper takes her as its next intended victim; although he succeeds in hunting it down with vicious prejudice, Darius fails to kill its werewolf master. Beyond relieved to find his wife, alive and miraculously unharmed, Darius realizes too late that Kate's death was never the werewolf's design.

 
Suffering lycanthropy only a True Ancient could inflict, Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Now Darius Carlyle must find a cure never known to exist, or find the strength to break his own heart. 
 
THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE, a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, is complete at 92,000 words. Presented as a recovered journal and including selected, illustrative facsimiles, readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf would enjoy this standalone with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have included the first # pages. I very much appreciate your time and consideration. 
 
Kindest regards,
JJW

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#172 jaustail

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 11:58 PM

It's well written and interesting. My only problem is this line:

 

It is his dearest Kate who encourages Darius to investigate...

 

It makes me think that Kate is only added to encourage Darius. Once someone pointed this link to an earlier query of mine:

http://tvtropes.org/...edIntoTheFridge

 

JMO.


Query: WALL OF ICE

(Space Opera)

Revised version: Link


#173 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 12:37 AM

I'd never fridge Kate!!!

(spoiler)


...she burns anyway :P haha

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#174 Veldehar

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 03:21 PM

Like several versions, this works just fine for me, but I'm gonna go all kinds of goofy on you and see what happens. See if anything clicks for you in this mess.


I'm wondering...

A century and more hunting werewolves, Darius Carlyle has experienced and committed every conceivable horror. Happening upon the enigmatic Katherine Harrow, however, bloodlust is vanquished by love unlooked for and undeserved.

Love, unlooked for and undeserved. Darius Carlyle stumbled on just that when Kate Harrow walked into his life (I'd prefer something less cliche here, but I don't know the story detail). Over the past century of hunting werewolves he has witnessed and committed horrors that'd drive a mortal mind to madness. A man living his life shouldn't dare to dream of happiness, but Kate unleashes this fantasy.

Whitechapel, London, there's a string of murders the penny dreadfuls attribute to 'Jack the Ripper'. Darius knows the truth, the Ripper is a berserk enslaved by a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta. Darius has vowed to keep Kate safe, but she refuses to sit idly by as women are slaughtered, and follows him. Darius's worst night terrors are realized when Kate is captured by the Ripper, but in a rage he tracks them down, saving Kate and Killing the Ripper. But the Ripper's werewolf master escapes. Astounded that he's found his dearest Kate alive and unharmed, his joy hides from him the truth: The werewolf never wanted Kate dead.

Kate suffers a slow, violent form of lycanthropy only a True Ancient could inflict: Her humanity wanes with each full moon (more detail here? you have some word count). Darius must find a cure nobody believes to exist, or find the strength to break his own heart.

It is his dearest Kate who encourages Darius to investigate the grisly slew of murders London's penny dreadfuls attribute to one 'Jack the Ripper.' Darius discovers the Ripper is in fact a berserker, in service to a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta. Kate, refusing to sit idly by, follows him to Whitechapel. Darius becomes nearly unhinged when the Ripper takes her as its next intended victim; although he succeeds in hunting it down with vicious prejudice, Darius fails to kill its werewolf master. Beyond relieved to find his wife, alive and miraculously unharmed, Darius realizes too late that Kate's death was never the werewolf's design.



Suffering lycanthropy only a True Ancient could inflict, Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. Now Darius Carlyle must find a cure never known to exist, or find the strength to break his own heart.


THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE, a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, is complete at 92,000 words. Presented as a recovered journal and including selected, illustrative facsimiles, readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf would enjoy this standalone with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have included the first # pages. I very much appreciate your time and consideration.


Kindest regards,

JJW



#175 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 04:40 PM

Not bad, Veldude; it just doesn't match the manuscript. One tip I've seen is (paraphrasing here) the writing of the query should reflect the writing of the manuscript. From what I hear, agents aren't too keen on being thrown off like that, and will reject a manuscript on that basis. HOWEVER, "blind to the truth" is a good line  :biggrin: haha


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#176 Veldehar

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 04:46 PM

True, it wasn't meant as an instructional, but as another way to view things, maybe inspire a bit in your voice.

But, if they like the manuscript, they aren't going to give a crap what your query sounds like, heh heh. That sounds like query voodoo. The problem would be if they like the query voice and the ms is junk, LOL. Too much overthinking and weight given to queries.

Not bad, Veldude; it just doesn't match the manuscript. One tip I've seen is (paraphrasing here) the writing of the query should reflect the writing of the manuscript. From what I hear, agents aren't too keen on being thrown off like that, and will reject a manuscript on that basis. HOWEVER, "blind to the truth" is a good line :biggrin: haha



#177 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 04:55 PM

Haha! The perfectionist in me won't allow anything BUT overthinking. Gah! It's a torturous process, but also kind of fun in its own twisted way. 

 

New version below. I'm going to review some of the newer queries on here; may help me with my own thing.

 

I'm wondering...

 

A century and more hunting werewolves, Darius Carlyle has experienced and committed every conceivable horror. Happening upon the enigmatically human Katherine Harrow, however, bloodlust is vanquished by love unlooked for and undeserved. 

 

Years later, in the autumn of 1888, Darius investigates the grisly slew of murders London's penny dreadfuls attribute to one 'Jack the Ripper.' Kate, refusing to sit idly by, both encourages and accompanies him to Whitechapel. While amazed at his dearest Kate's cunning, Darius still fears more for her life than his own. Upon discovering the Ripper is in fact a berserker, the slave of a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta, the Ripper takes Kate as its next intended victim. Darius's bloodlust, quelled for years by Kate's love, is unleashed. And although Darius succeeds in hunting the Ripper down with vicious prejudice, he fails to kill its werewolf master. Beyond relieved to find his beloved, alive and miraculously unharmed, Darius cannot perceive that Kate's death was never the werewolf's design.

 
Suffering the arcane, rabid lycanthropy only a True Ancient could inflict, Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon. In defiance of all he has been raised to believe, Darius Carlyle must now find a cure never known to exist, or else find the strength to break his own heart. 
 
THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE, a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, is complete at 92,000 words. Presented as a recovered journal and including selected, illustrative facsimiles, readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf would enjoy this standalone with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have included the first # pages. I very much appreciate your time and consideration. 
 
Kindest regards,
JJW

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#178 Veldehar

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 06:11 PM

I'm liking this one quite a bit.

Perfection is the elusive dream, which is why I'm working on book 2 and a couple shorts, to keep me from editing the query to death, LOL. Queries are a masochistic good time. I still need to hammer out the synopsis too, but that's crazy, you almost need three versions depending on who you're sending to.

#179 jaustail

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 02:03 AM

It's a good query. No suggestions from my side.

Good luck!!


Query: WALL OF ICE

(Space Opera)

Revised version: Link


#180 Jemi

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 09:14 AM

Fresh eyes :)

 

After aA century and more hunting werewolves, Darius Carlyle has experienced and committed every conceivable horror and enjoyed every minute of it (or something like that to provide contrast to the next sentence). Happening upon the enigmatic Katherine Harrow, however, his bloodlust is vanquished by love unlooked for and undeserved. 

 

Autumn, 1888, (I'd rather see this flow into the sentence: In the autumn of 1888,) Darius investigates the grisly slew of murders London's penny dreadfuls attribute (attributed) to one 'Jack the Ripper.' Kate (why? what's her job/role in this), refusing to sit idly by, both encourages and accompanies him to Whitechapel. While amazed at his dearest (this might be too early - makes it sound like they're a couple already... unless they are. not sure :)) Kate's cunning, Darius still fears more for her life than his own (if he's over a century old I assumed he was immortal therefore not afraid of death at all). Upon discovering the Ripper is in fact a berserker, the slave of a purebred werewolf with an ancient vendetta (very cool!), the Ripper takes Kate as its next intended victim (I don't see the connection between the two phrases in this sentence). Darius's bloodlust, quelled for years by Kate's love, is unleashed. And although Darius succeeds in hunting the Ripper down with vicious prejudice, he fails to kill its werewolf master. Beyond relieved to find his wife (whoa! when did that happen? is she immortal too?), alive and miraculously unharmed, Darius cannot perceive that Kate's death was never the werewolf's design.

 
Suffering the arcane, rabid lycanthropy only a True Ancient could inflict, Kate's humanity wanes with each full moon (now the last line in the previous paragraph makes sense - good twist). In defiance of all he has been raised to believe, Darius Carlyle must now find a cure never known to exist, or else find the strength to break his own heart. 
 
THE PERSONAL ACCOUNT OF DARIUS CARLYLE, a gothic thriller/romance with fantastical elements, is complete at 92,000 words. Presented as a recovered journal and including selected, illustrative facsimiles, readers of everything from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke to Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf would enjoy this standalone with commercial appeal and series potential. Per your submission guidelines I have included the first # pages. I very much appreciate your time and consideration. 
 
Kindest regards,
JJW

 

 

You've got an intriguing plot line going on here! I don't read a lot of the genre, but I feel like your phrasing and word choices are pretty strong.

 

I think you've got a few things to clarify in the query - at first I thought Darius and Kate had just met, then I realized that it had been a while. I don't think it will take much to clarity

 

Hope my comments are helpful. As I'm not an expert in the genre, I hope I'm not misleading you in any wrong directions! If I am, feel free to ignore! Good luck with this






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