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`RECODED <250 Various Excerpts for Editing Feedback And Advice (Adult Social-Scifi)


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#1 ryankalford

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 08:25 PM

Okay, so after all the great wonderful feedback/advice I've gotten collectively from my query and 1st 250 excerpts, I thought it'd be a great idea if I made a dedicated thread here for more bits and pieces of things I feel like I'm having trouble with from either a lack of skill, or inexperience. In other words . . . I need some help!

 

So, to make a long story short, I've been working on RECODED for about 8 1/2 years now. Thought I'd finished it and got it readied up as best could be by Spring 2015 (well, best as in only having one other person beta read and edit the MS besides me because everyone else I asked wound up being a no-show disaster). Submitted to about 3 contest, and then got a request from a new agent at the time through #PitMad in that June. Submitted first 50 pages to her, and eventually got this rejection/resubmit invitation:

 

"I suggest further work in character development, in a clearer, larger sense of place, deeper interiority (more complex inner life of the characters), and more unique and specific details, especially when it comes to a character's physical details. There may be structural issues as well but working with an editor should help identify those areas. Once you have completed a major revision, please feel free to resubmit for reconsideration."

 

So basically, loved the concept, but writing was "not quite market ready.". Soo fasting forwarding to now, I'm finally back at the wheel in feeling like I have a solid directiont in rewritng the majority of the first ACT (where the main changes are), but trying to take my writing to that "next-level" feels like one hell of a struggle. I've certainly imrpoved, and can clearly see she was 100% on the money (almost embarassingly so), but while I'm intending on getting the entire book properly beta read like crazy this time, from my previous experience, I don't want to wait around for a beta reader to point out issues or corrections and have the entire MS to go through and have the weight of fixing when I can try to get as much of this stuff right from the beginning as I go along and maybe acutally try to get better at some of my weak areas.

 

So, getting all that house cleaning done, as far as this thread is concerned, these are my main areas of concern (taken from the agents blog):

 

 Are the scenes grounded with specific and unique details that make them tangible and immersive?

 

Can we clearly envision distinct physical features of the characters that also reveal their unique personalities (or do we only see their hair and eyes)?

 

Physical descriptions of any kind have anyways been one of my biggest woes. I mean, I can do a nice paragraph here or there in terms of enriching a setting or whatnot, but I've shyed away most the time--espescially when it's come to characters. Personally, my preference is I don't much give a fig myself (just mention eye and hair color, and I'll be fine!), but it's clearly not acceptable enough if you want to be considered great from simply good enough. And good enough doesn't impress an agent, so that won't do for me.

 

This time my writing in RECODED has to be right--no matter what.

 

So, let's get to kickin' this thread off, shall we?

 

__________

 

As I'm currently still crafting my 2nd attempt at a new opening since the 2015 rejection (this one will stick, I think), I've been parsing through bits of my Chapter I featuring the first adult POV (Lillian) that I wrote back in August. It's turned out extremely well, in my opinion, and holds up (though it took a a very painful and depressing year of stalls and stop with other attempts at writing her before I finally found her pulse as a real, tangible character in the story), but there are certainly a few moments of the writing I'd certainly like to get some opinions on.

 

For the initial post here, I want to show the moment I introduce Alan (Dani's father) physically from Lillian's POV (sleeping next to her in bed). It's the first time the reader is seeing him, so I wanted to try to craft a detailed portrait of his face from Lillian's perspective and thoughts. Not really sure what else to add, so here's the section. Is it effective, or just a mess?

 

#

 

This morning marked the fifth straight night Alan had slept with her. She hadn’t inquired, nor had he explained. Not that she needed him too . . . but it was peculiar. Stealing him away for a quickie at lunch or late-evening seduction had been their standard operating MO for the past five months.

     

Until now.

     

Lillian sparked a flame from the lighter. It fluttered brightly in a jive, dashing the air in its own ballet. Just a kiss. Her hand trembled. Just a tiny, little smooch. She brought the dancing flame to within an inch of the Decker’s tip, but the orange radiance it bathed across Alan’s face made her waver.

     

The tautness behind his triangular frame. The wavy brown hair she ravenously slid her fingers through. The slender bulb of nose he nuzzled against her neck and belly and legs and silt in-between peppered kisses. She drank him deeply like drowning a hard swirl of vodka; his handsome strength still such a soaking elixir between her thighs.

     

“Dammit,” she muttered, and snapped the lighter shut. None of this is doing any good. She chucked it on the bedside counter before temptation could strike again. 

 

#


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#2 CM_Fick

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 10:27 PM

Oh I feel your pain! I've gone through 2 revision and a complete rewrite throughout the years. 

 

When it comes to describing characters, this is how my process works - hopefully you can glean some useful information from it. 

For myself, I find it best to close my eyes and envision the character in my head. First, there are the easy things to cover: eyes - colour, shape, long eyelashes or thick or thin, eyebrows, forehead, ears, hair - colour, texture, shape of his jaw and chin, and what about the curve of his lips? What is his general build?

I know you mentioned that you want to describe your character's facial features, but there is so much more to just the face. Is he tall and lean? or short and stout? are his shoulders broad or narrow? Are there any distinctive traits? tattoos, long fingers, funny shaped toes, a dimple in the chin or cheek, extra hair, can he do anything funny or strange with any of his various body parts? 

 

Then there's an intangible trait I try to associate with all important characters. Scent. I find it gives me a sense of who they are and it helps bring back the details of the way they make any given character feel. 

 

If I can give an example: 

Erula had dark green skin, a round body, and long, gangly limbs. She always wore her straw-like hair in a tight ponytail atop her head, And her eyes always gleam red when she's up to something mischievous. With a pug nose, long ears that pointed straight out from the sides of her head, and two small horns protruding from her forehead, she'd never be considered a beautiful Fey. Her feet were overly large for her size and there were coarse hairs curled on her bulbous toes. Her long arms, which hung to her wrinkled knees, were too thin and her onion shaped head, too large for her body. 

 

After this description, I leave it to the reader to remember what they choose to remember. Sometimes I'll throw in a reference to the red gleam in her eyes, her sharp teeth, or her abnormally long limbs, but I try to keep it fairly generic and let the reader's imagination keep the character alive. I do not go into this much detail for all my characters. 

 

Hopefully this is along the lines of what you were looking for. Good luck. 



#3 ryankalford

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Posted 04 March 2017 - 08:53 PM

Thanks for the discussion and example, CM! Man, I hadn't even thought of scent at all! Whoops.

 

It almost maddening trying to decide on what features to give each character (to make them different), nevermind writing them each uniquely. Ughh.

 

In terms of this particuar bit, I only wanted to zoom in on Alan's face (and what Lillian loves about it, minus eyes, which are explored prior). Later in the chapter I sorta mention his body as an average "skinny lab rat" and "slumped posture" and maybe something else I can't recall  . . . but I guess I do need to fill it out a bit more in there at the opportune moments. Espescially scent (though I have no idea where to start with that)  But, anyways, I retweaked my paragraph a bit, deciding to switch Alan's face to oval after agonzing the millionth time over facial structures of the main characters and what to use.

 

Does this read well, or is it iffy? I really feel in no man's land when it comes to the finer character description. Not just the describing, but if it's good writing, or still generic hogwash that will send me back to square one.

 

#

 

She brought the dancing flame to within an inch of the Decker’s tip, but the orange radiance it bathed across Alan’s oval face made her waver.

     

The narrow, rounded chin. The graceful taper of his cheekbones. The wavy brown hair she combed through vigorously, and the slender bulb of nose he nuzzled against her neck and belly and legs and silt in-between peppered kisses. She drank him deeply like drowning a hard swirl of vodka; his handsome strength such a soaking elixir between her thighs.

     

“Dammit,” she muttered, and snapped the lighter shut. None of this is doing any good.

 

#


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#4 CM_Fick

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Posted 04 March 2017 - 10:55 PM

Thanks for the discussion and example, CM! Man, I hadn't even thought of scent at all! Whoops.

 

It almost maddening trying to decide on what features to give each character (to make them different), nevermind writing them each uniquely. Ughh.

 

In terms of this particuar bit, I only wanted to zoom in on Alan's face (and what Lillian loves about it, minus eyes, which are explored prior). Later in the chapter I sorta mention his body as an average "skinny lab rat" and "slumped posture" and maybe something else I can't recall  . . . but I guess I do need to fill it out a bit more in there at the opportune moments. Espescially scent (though I have no idea where to start with that)  But, anyways, I retweaked my paragraph a bit, deciding to switch Alan's face to oval after agonzing the millionth time over facial structures of the main characters and what to use.

 

Does this read well, or is it iffy? I really feel in no man's land when it comes to the finer character description. Not just the describing, but if it's good writing, or still generic hogwash that will send me back to square one.

 

#

 

She brought the dancing flame to within an inch of the Decker’s tip, but the orange radiance it bathed across Alan’s oval face (I don't know if you should point out the actual shape of his face here or use something more generic - along the lines of strong/ sharp/soft/pointed features, I think would be a better fit) made her waver.

     

The narrow, rounded chin. The graceful taper of his cheekbones. The wavy brown hair she combed (her hands?) through vigorously, and the slender bulb of nose he nuzzled against her neck and belly and legs and silt in-between peppered kisses. She drank him deeply like drowning a hard swirl of vodka (I don't know if I understand this metaphor - but I wouldn't drink hard liquor deeply, so I may be missing something); his handsome strength such a soaking elixir between her thighs.

     

“Dammit,” she muttered, and snapped the lighter shut. None of this is doing any good.

 

#

 

 

For your excerpt: 

There are parts where it reads fine, but most of the description seems disjointed to me - sorry. I wouldn't say it's hogwash though. It just needs some focus. I don't know if it's the imagery you're using, or if it's the lack of commas or ownership in the list of places trailing down her body. eg. the slender bulb of nose when he nuzzled against her neck and trailed down her and belly, and to her legs, and silt, in-between peppered kisses. It could also be that a broader sample would help us understand the style of your writing as well. I read your 250 that you have up for critique, and this doesn't feel the same as that. 

 

To start off the description, however, I'd start with the hair (provided you aren't trying to link it to the nuzzling), then to cheekbones, and then go to his chin, since it's the natural path the eye would follow. 

 

As for where to start with the scent - go to your friendly neighbourhood grocer, open a few bottles, and take a whiff. If you see a display of essential oils - do that there too. Keep notes as to which you like and a few descriptors. You can also find some good notes for reference on this on google. 

 

Hope this helps! 



#5 ryankalford

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Posted 06 March 2017 - 08:41 PM

Thanks again for the spectacular insight, CM! 

 

So, I tried to to tweak based on your suggestions. I guess I just feel so out-of-element when it comes to writing descripts like this ( and green when it comes to the construction of the sentence mechanics for breezy reading). My re-tweak ended up at 53 words for one sentence, which even 30 usually makes me nervous (And try to cut down into shorter burst most the time). So, how does this one fare?

 

#

 

Lillian sparked a flame from the lighter. It fluttered brightly in a jive. Just a kiss. Her brow dampened. Just a tiny, little smooch. She brought the dancing flame to within an inch of the Decker’s tip, but the orange radiance it bathed across Alan’s face made her waver.

     

From the brown nest of wavy hair she raked her fingers through, to the graceful taper of his cheekbones set in his oval frame, to the slender bulb of nose and rounded chin when he nuzzled against her neck and trailed down to her belly, to her legs, and silt, in-between peppered kisses. She drank him like drowning a hard swirl of vodka; his handsome strength such a soaking elixir between her thighs.

     

“Dammit,” she muttered, and snapped the lighter shut. None of this is doing any good.

 

#


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#6 CM_Fick

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    When the Dead Rise: Series 1, 2016

Posted 07 March 2017 - 12:59 PM

Thanks again for the spectacular insight, CM! 

 

So, I tried to to tweak based on your suggestions. I guess I just feel so out-of-element when it comes to writing descripts like this ( and green when it comes to the construction of the sentence mechanics for breezy reading). My re-tweak ended up at 53 words for one sentence, which even 30 usually makes me nervous (And try to cut down into shorter burst most the time). So, how does this one fare?

 

#

 

Lillian sparked a flame from the lighter. It fluttered brightly in a jive. Just a kiss. Her brow dampened. Just a tiny, little smooch. She brought the dancing flame to within an inch of the Decker’s tip, but the orange radiance it bathed across Alan’s face made her waver. (I don't know the context before this paragraph, but I'm not sure waver is the correct word for the end of this sentence, now. hesitate, or a synonymous word may word better. To me, waver is almost the same as indecisiveness or movement. if it's in reference to her wavering on whether or not to kiss him, then this sentence should be before the thought imo.)

     

From the brown nest of wavy hair she raked her fingers through, to the graceful taper of his cheekbones set in his oval frame, to the slender bulb of nose and rounded chin when he nuzzled against her neck and trailed down to her belly, to her legs, and silt, in-between peppered kisses. She drank him like drowning a hard swirl of vodka; his handsome strength such a soaking elixir between her thighs. 

I know you mentioned the first sentence is a little long for you. You could always expand and then shorten the individual sentences.  

e.g: "From the brown nest of wavy hair she couldn't resist raking raked her fingers through, to the graceful taper of his cheekbones set in his oval frame. She drank him like drowning a hard swirl of vodka. The slender bulb of his nose and rounded chin, reminded her of how when he nuzzled against her neck, trailed down to her belly, to her legs, and silt, in-between peppered kisses. His handsome strength such a soaking elixir between her thighs."

     

“Dammit,” she muttered, and snapped the lighter shut. None of this is doing any good.

 

#

Here's another suggestion for working through the length of the sentence. I don't know if this is changing the meaning for you, but if you run it through a text-to-speech program, the flow sounds better.

 

I'm not sure if this helps. And don't worry too much about individual sentence length - that can be fixed in editing if necessary. (I couldn't tell you a single thing about the lengths in my ms. I've never even looked at it. For me, it's about how the words read, sound and feel)



#7 ryankalford

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 08:31 PM

Thanks again, CM! I played around with this yesterday again based on your advice, and tweaked it a tiny bit today. I think it might finally be just right . . . though confirmation of that, or any small suggestions are totally welcome!

 

 

#

 

Lillian sparked a flame from the lighter. It fluttered brightly in a jive. Just a kiss. Her brow dampened. Just a tiny, little smooch. She brought the dancing flame to within an inch of the Decker’s tip, but the orange radiance it bathed across Alan’s face made her waver.

     

From the brown nest of wavy hair she couldn't resist raking her fingers through, to the graceful taper of cheekbones set in his oval frame. She drank him like drowning a hard swirl of vodka. His slender bulb of nose and rounded chin a handsome reminder of how he nuzzled against her neck and trailed down to her belly, to her legs, and silt, in-between peppered kisses. His allure such a soaking elixir between her thighs.

     

“Dammit,” she muttered, and snapped the lighter shut. None of this is doing any good.

 

#

 

But now I'd like to turn my attention to the 2nd bit in the chapter I'm a bit questionable about. Namely, when Lillian wakes Alan up, and they eventually wind up in a kiss. Wondering if the descript works and reads well, or that maybe I need to add Alan's scent in there to make it a bit more engrossing (I haven't figured out the particular scent I want yet, but I was thinking of saving it for another bit of a tussle between them that happens later on in the scene)

 

%

 

She ran the red-polished nails of her free hand playfully along his back. Her fingers traced the ridges and bumps down his spine in slow, savory trails. Kitty-Kat’s got an itch only you can scratch. She dug them deep into his shoulder. Kitty-Kat says meow!

     

Alan’s head jerked, and he shivered with a start.

     

“Morinin’, Sexy,” Lillian said.

     

He rolled onto his back with a groan. His scrunched slits blinked, studying her like a man battling amnesia. “ . . . Lily?

 

“Who else?” Lillian twisted a delicate finger around one of his wavy strands. “Do you see any fuckin’ freckles?”

     

He titled his head. “I see a cig.”

     

“Unlit.”

     

“You been smoking?”

     

“No—being a good girl.”

     

“Yeah right.” The murky cobwebs clouding his awareness faded. “You probably puffed through two packs already.”

     

“Care to wager?” Lillian removed the Decker from her mouth and kissed him.

     

Reality melted, replaced by a clean, tangy wetness of taste. She sunk in against him, craving more, and he did the same. A delicious ache bloomed in her temples. A frenzied hammering swirled in her chest. Her nose scraped across his chin. One of his hands squeezed her arm tenderly while the other coursed through her hair. Their thirsty little smacks echoing in her ears like the most romantic sonnet ever composed.

     

Love you love you love you, she thought, swimming in the utter madness of ecstasy. I love you. Love you, love you  . . .

     

She broke away—reluctantly—out of breath. “Coffee’s ready, Sexy.”


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#8 CM_Fick

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    Legacy of Fate, 2016
    When the Dead Rise: Series 1, 2016

Posted 09 March 2017 - 02:03 AM

#

 

Lillian sparked a flame from the lighter. It fluttered brightly in a jive. Just a kiss. Her brow dampened. Just a tiny, little smooch. She brought the dancing flame to within an inch of the Decker’s tip, but the orange radiance it bathed across Alan’s face made her waver.

     

From the brown nest of wavy hair she couldn't resist raking her fingers through, to the graceful taper of cheekbones set in his oval frame. She drank him like drowning a hard swirl of vodka. His slender bulb of nose and rounded chin(,) a handsome reminder of how he nuzzled against her neck and trailed down to her belly, to her legs, and silt, in-between peppered kisses. His allure such a soaking elixir between her thighs.

     

“Dammit,” she muttered, and snapped the lighter shut. None of this is doing any good.

 

#

 

Other than that one comma I suggested (only because it gives the eye a place to pause before talking about the "handsome reminder") this excerpt reads smoother and flows much better. Good job on the revisions. I think this is good to go. 

 

But now I'd like to turn my attention to the 2nd bit in the chapter I'm a bit questionable about. Namely, when Lillian wakes Alan up, and they eventually wind up in a kiss. Wondering if the descript works and reads well, or that maybe I need to add Alan's scent in there to make it a bit more engrossing (I haven't figured out the particular scent I want yet, but I was thinking of saving it for another bit of a tussle between them that happens later on in the scene) to help with the scent, don't just think about cologne or shampoos/soaps, I also forgot to mention that a person's work will also influence their scent. Mechanics often smell like spent oil with a hint of burnt rubber aftertaste, or pizzeria employees smell of sweet tomato sauce, bacon and stale bread, or a scientist who works in a bio lab will smell of bleach and other chemical cleaning agents.  This obviously won't work for all professions, but its also something to consider when trying to find the right descriptors.

 

%

 

She ran the red-polished nails of her free hand playfully along his back. (is her other hand a different colour? Try something along the lines of: "with her free hand she trailed the red-polished tips of her nails along his back." it's still not perfect, because it makes it sound a little like only the tips are red... but you get the idea. You can also do something like: "With her free hand she trailed her red-polished nails along his back." simple. clean.) Her fingers traced the ridges and bumps down his spine in slow, savory trails. Kitty-Kat’s got an itch only you can scratch. She dug them deep into his shoulder. Kitty-Kat says meow!

     

Alan’s head jerked, and he shivered with a start.

     

“Morinin’, Sexy,” Lillian said.

     

He rolled onto his back with a groan. His scrunched slits (slitted eyes) blinked, studying her like a man battling amnesia. “ . . . Lily?

 

“Who else?” Lillian twisted a delicate finger around one of his wavy strands. “Do you see any fuckin’ freckles?”

     

He titled his head. “I see a cig.”

     

“Unlit.”

     

“You been smoking?”

     

“No—being a good girl.”

     

“Yeah right.” The murky cobwebs clouding his awareness faded. “You probably puffed through two packs already.” (Have you written this from an omniscient perspective? if so, ignore the next part. I'd talk about the last vestiges of sleep clearing from his [colour] eyes - or something along those lines. As it reads now, you're jumping to his perspective.) 

     

“Care to wager?” Lillian removed the Decker from her mouth and (leaned in to) kissed him.

     

Reality melted, replaced by a clean, tangy wetness of taste. She sunk in against him, craving more, and he did the same. A delicious ache bloomed in her temples. A frenzied hammering swirled in her chest. (This is good. Makes the readers almost be able to feel it.) Her nose scraped across his chin (morning stubble?). One of his hands squeezed her arm tenderly while the other coursed through her (length/ colour/bed-head) hair. Like the most romantic sonnet ever composed, their thirsty little smacks echoing in her ears like the most romantic sonnet ever composed. (this is entirely a personal preference. I've found that sometimes when using a simile, putting the comparison first helps the reader imagine what you're describing before you describe it. you're thinking poetry and then the smacks echo in cadence -  just a thought.) 

     

Love you love you love you, she thought, swimming in the utter madness of ecstasy. I love you. Love you, love you  . . .

     

She reluctantly broke away—reluctantly—out of breath. “Coffee’s ready, Sexy.” (to me this reads like she's reluctantly out of breath. You could also out our of breath at the beginning of the sentence "Out of breath, she broke away -- reluctantly."  Or you could add in why she's reluctant - her lips already missing the taste of his, yadda yadda... you get the point. Sorry that's a lame example, but writing romance of any kind isn't one of my strengths ;))

 

Part A) good to go, other than that one comma I've suggested. 

 

Part B) Overall it's good. I've picked out a few places where you could expand or rework for flow, and where a descriptor or two could help trigger the reader's senses and draw them in.  

 

Hope this helps :)



#9 ryankalford

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Posted 13 March 2017 - 07:16 PM

Yeah, I'm not much of a romance writer myself, CM...yet, I always find myself writing about it in some form or fashion in my work XD

 

So, after finally finishing my opening yesterday (thank ye gods!), I got back to fiddling with this today. I pretty much applied all your suggestions in some form, except for details about Lillian's hair as Alan combs through it, mainly because I already established it beforehand. So I included the bit before the excerpt itself this time to help clarify better.  

 

But, in terms of a question that actually just now popped into my head, should I maybe include more of a detailed feeling of Lillian experiencing his hand running through her hair, or is better left as is for clarity's sake?

 

#

 

Lillian turned to Alan with a grin. But all was forgiven through His Holy Spirit entering my flesh. The father, the son, and the endless fucking that soon commenced. She leaned gingerly across the top middle of his pillow, propping her head above him with her elbow. Can I have an amen, Mrs. Redfield? She flipped her long, dark brunette hair to her elbow’s side. It tumbled down her forearm and spilled across the pillow like a waterfall’s cascade. With her free hand she ran her red-polished nails along his back. They traced the ridges and bumps down his spine in slow, savory trails. Kitty-Kat’s got an itch only you can scratch. She dug them deep into his shoulder. Kitty-Kat says meow!

     

Alan’s head jerked, and he shivered with a start.

     

“Morinin’, Sexy,” Lillian said.

     

He rolled onto his back with a groan.  “...Lily?” His silted eyes blinked, studying her like a man battling amnesia.

     

“Who else?” Lillian twisted a delicate finger around one of his wavy strands. “Do you see any fuckin’ freckles?”

     

He titled his head. “I see a cig.”

     

“Unlit.”

     

“You been smoking?”

     

“No—being a good girl.”

     

“Yeah right.” The last wrinkles of sleep unkinked from his face. “You probably puffed through two packs already.”

     

“Care to wager?” Lillian removed the Decker from her mouth and leaned into him.

     

Reality melted, replaced by a clean, tangy wetness of taste. She sunk in against him, craving more, and he did the same. A delicious ache bloomed in her temples. A frenzied hammering swirled in her chest. One of his hands squeezed her arm tenderly, while the other coursed through her hair. Like the most romantic sonnet ever composed, their thirsty little smacks echoed in her ears with a delightful harmony of rhyme and rhythm.

     

Love you love you love you, she thought, swimming in the utter madness of ecstasy. I love you. Love you, love you...

     

Out of breath, she broke away—already missing the nurturing cradle of his lips. “Coffee’s ready, Sexy.”


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#10 CM_Fick

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Posted 14 March 2017 - 01:13 AM

Yeah, I'm not much of a romance writer myself, CM...yet, I always find myself writing about it in some form or fashion in my work XD

 

So, after finally finishing my opening yesterday (thank ye gods!), I got back to fiddling with this today. I pretty much applied all your suggestions in some form, except for details about Lillian's hair as Alan combs through it, mainly because I already established it beforehand. So I included the bit before the excerpt itself this time to help clarify better.  

 

But, in terms of a question that actually just now popped into my head, should I maybe include more of a detailed feeling of Lillian experiencing his hand running through her hair, or is better left as is for clarity's sake?

 

#

 

Lillian turned to Alan with a grin. But all was forgiven through His Holy Spirit entering my flesh. The father, the son, and the endless fucking that soon commenced. She leaned gingerly across the top middle of his pillow, propping her head above him with her elbow. Can I have an amen, Mrs. Redfield? She flipped her long, (the next sentence implies the length and this way you can use "long" to enhance the other point below) dark brunette hair to her elbow’s side. It tumbled down her forearm and spilled across the pillow like a waterfall’s cascade. With her free hand she ran her red-polished nails along his back. They traced the ridges and bumps down his spine in slow, savory trails. Kitty-Kat’s got an itch only you can scratch. She dug them deep into his shoulder. Kitty-Kat says meow!

     

Alan’s head jerked, and he shivered with a start.

     

“Morinin’, Sexy,” Lillian said.

     

He rolled onto his back with a groan.  “...Lily?” His silted eyes blinked, studying her like a man battling amnesia.

     

“Who else?” Lillian twisted a delicate finger around one of his wavy strands. “Do you see any fuckin’ freckles?”

     

He titled his head. “I see a cig.”

     

“Unlit.”

     

“You been smoking?”

     

“No—being a good girl.”

     

“Yeah right.” The last wrinkles of sleep unkinked from his face. “You probably puffed through two packs already.”

     

“Care to wager?” Lillian removed the Decker from her mouth and leaned into him.

     

Reality melted, replaced by a clean, tangy wetness of taste. She sunk in against him, craving more, and he did the same. A delicious ache bloomed in her temples. A frenzied hammering swirled in her chest. One of his hands squeezed her arm tenderly, while the other coursed through her long hair. Like the most romantic sonnet ever composed, their thirsty little smacks echoed in her ears with a delightful harmony of rhyme and rhythm.

     

Love you love you love you, she thought, swimming in the utter madness of ecstasy. I love you. Love you, love you...

     

Out of breath, she broke away—already missing the nurturing cradle of his lips. “Coffee’s ready, Sexy.”

 

This is much cleaner - and in my opinion, good to go! (outside of the 2 minor edits I've suggested) As for your question, I think that moving the length descriptor, it will enhance the sentence enough without putting in a bunch of touchy-feely words that won't add much. That's my 2 cents anyways. 



#11 chellina216

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Posted 16 March 2017 - 08:28 AM

Hi ryankalford, 

 

Overall, I enjoyed your writing.  Here are my thoughts on the two pieces from above.    

 

For the first bit, there were a couple things that confused me.  

 

When Lillian thinks, "just a kiss," I imagined her bringing the flame to her lips.  I'm not sure if that's your intent, but to clarify, maybe move the line, "She brought the dancing flame to within an inch of the Decker’s tip," just before it.  Otherwise, I was thinking she's either a daredevil or a crazy person to want to burn her lips.  

 

Also, when she imagines Alan's face, it wasn't clear to me that she was imagining it.  I think the line, "but the orange radiance it bathed across Alan’s face," makes me think he's actually in front of her.  

 

 

For the second part:

I'm a little indifferent about the beginning.  Maybe it's because she wakes her lover up by scratching him. No matter how frisky their night before was, it didn't feel like he enjoyed being woken up like that.  It doesn't come off as being playful to me, it leans more towards being annoying.  I loved the last two lines though. The I love yous repeating in her mind felt genuine.   

 

 

Hope this helps.  Good luck!  



#12 ryankalford

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 03:05 PM

Thank you, che! I'll get to tweaking regarding your suggestions shortly (they sound reasonable enough to me).

 

Having kind of a lazy day, and still haven't gotten around to redoing the last main segment from Chapter 1 I'd like to post for opinions...but I do have a quick question about a particular cut I made (to see if it makes sense).

 

So, yesterday I had this passage (bolded is the "excerpt"):

 

__________

 

“What’s the time?” he asked after a long yawn.

     

“Quarter past seven.”                                                                            

     

He swung his legs off the bedside onto the navy blue carpet next to hers. “That’s late.”

     

“You needed it.” She motioned the hover-tray over. “Besides, I’m the one who sets your schedule.”

     

“Of course, Director.” He picked up his mug “I’ll drink all my coffee like a really big boy too.”

    

“Don’t be a dick.” She placed the Decker on the tray and gripped her mug.

     

“But isn’t that what you love?” He took a mischievous sip. “Or have I been doing it wrong?”

     

She sampled the melting warmth of her own coffee against her lips, suppressing a chuckle. “Point taken.”

     

“More often than not.”

     

She smirked. “Keep on, and I might require another.”

     

“So soon?”

     

She nestled against him. “Very soon.”

     

He flashed a boyish grin. The one she found so irresistible. “Ms. Savonna, you’re a real bargain.” He patted her thigh. “Worth every cent per share I slip in.”

     

“Premium rate only, Sexy,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Unless you’re thinking merger?”

     

His cheerfulness faltered. “Lily.”

     

“I…I know.” Lillian nursed some of her coffee to hide her frown. She peeked at his wedding ring on the walnut counter to her left. A simple golden band—nothing extravagant. But its modesty concealed splendors that were far more enticing than the sharpest twenty-four karat glints. Moments like these every morning…if its twin was mine.

 

Despite a striking face, the only arousal Alan sparked at the 3rd Gen Inaugural Banquet had been her curiosity of his marriage. A perverse wonder given such tradition was reserved mainly for merging family fortunes or heirs. Invoking it for zero-sum game was unorthodox, but with a surface-born? Sheer lunacy—especially for Viviana Redfield’s son.

 

But it’s why I love you so much, isn’t it?

 

The heart fueling Alan’s indulgence of Rachael’s delusions seduced Lillian over months of meetings and one-on-ones. His charming wit. His keen intelligence. The bright sincerity behind his smile the prelude of far too many laughs between professionals. It chipped away at her. Transforming the skinny lab rat of average build and slumped posture into an attraction whose force tantalized her like no prior lover. A tempting fruit she’d never tasted the rich sweetness of, cursed to be forbidden from her carnal knowledge. Or so she’d thought for three long, torturous years.

 

Until Adam finally relented, and entered my garden to sin.

 

“Suppose Rachael’s fixing breakfast about now,” Alan said. His eyes dipped down at his mug, where they studied the brown pool like pondering a bleak answer from a magic eight-ball.

     

“Imagine your Reddy Head’s up too,” Lillian said, anxious to change the subject. “She must be happy about returning to Gifted Gen.”

 

___________

 

 

The bolded section has bothered me--mainly the 2nd paragraph. The 1st one seemed the only vital one, but I was originally trying to rework the 2nd's ones description since it's kinda split and wonky...but then I realized it seemed I could cut all of it and just keep the scene focused on the next beat. Even though I really wanted to keep the 1st paragraph in there, I'm not sure it winds up being justified, and not just slowing the scene down for some needless if harmless bit of extra introspection that either can be inferenced or explained later or even through dialogue. But I decided to cut it all out and see how it played to this:

 

__________

 

He flashed a boyish grin. The one she found so irresistible. “Ms. Savonna, you’re a real bargain.” He patted her thigh. “Worth every cent per share I slip in.”

      

“Premium rate only, Sexy,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Unless you’re thinking merger?”

      

His cheerfulness faltered. “Lily.”

 

“I…I know.” Lillian nursed some of her coffee to hide her frown. She peeked at his wedding ring on the walnut counter to her left. A simple golden band—nothing extravagant. But its modesty concealed splendors that were far more enticing than the sharpest twenty-four karat glints. Moments like these every morning…if its twin was mine.

 

“Suppose Rachael’s fixing breakfast about now,” Alan said. His eyes dipped down at his mug, where they studied the brown pool like pondering a bleak answer from a magic eight-ball.

      

“Imagine your Reddy Head’s up too,” Lillian said, anxious to change the subject. “She must be happy about returning to Gifted Gen.”

 

_____

 

Seems to make sense to me this way, but was just wondering since I think getting an opinion might help me be more vigilante in cutting out bits that dont' move the story completely like this, even if there very related and relevant. Not that I really have an issue, but sometimes you get caught up examing, or feeling the need to explain. The 1st paragraph was meant as a bit of world building I suppose, and could be justified, but the 2nd one recounting how/why of their affair really seems like a certain cut to keep more an intrigue to the how/why this early in the story...and the fact I'll probably just reuse the 1st paragraph later downt he line in some form or fashion. (Never let good work go to waste! Just let it find the right place!)


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#13 ryankalford

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 08:26 PM

Okay, bit of a bucklet list of items here (but I feel like I may be close to done with editing Chapter 1 after almost 3 weeks finally. YAY!)

 

First off, the revised lighter paragraph

 

__________

 

This morning marked the fifth straight night Alan had slept with her. She hadn’t inquired, nor had he explained. Not that she needed him too...but it was peculiar. Stealing him away for a quickie at lunch or late-evening tryst had been their standard operating MO for months.

     

Until now.

     

Lillian sparked a flame from the lighter. It fluttered brightly in a jive. Just a kiss. She raised it to the Decker’s tip. Just a tiny, little smooch. Her brow dampened and her hand quivered, but the orange radiance across Alan’s face made her pause. 

 

From the brown nest of wavy hair she couldn't resist raking her fingers through, to the graceful taper of cheekbones set in his oval frame. She drank him like drowning a hard swirl of vodka. His slender bulb of nose and rounded chin, a handsome reminder of how he nuzzled against her neck and trailed down to her belly, to her legs, and silt, in-between peppered kisses.

     

“Dammit,” she muttered, and snapped the lighter shut. None of this is doing any good.

 

__________

 

I hope that clears the confusion. I should note that in regards to the positioning of Alan's face, an earlier passage indicates he's sleeping ot the left of Lillian, so I'll trust it will be understandable without another reference. Also, I decided on removing the last line from the next passage after peppered kisses because I couldn't the "soaking exlixr between the thighs" line to read right after being seperated from the vodka line. So I axed it...and I think it's actually more effective, but took a bit of getting used too (damn though, I wanted to keep it!)

 

Second, here's my slight rewrite regarding Lillian waking Alan up.

 

__________

 

Lillian turned to Alan with a grin. But all was forgiven through His Holy Spirit entering my flesh. The father, the son, and the endless fucking that soon commenced. She leaned gingerly across the top middle of his pillow, propping her head above him with her elbow. Can I have an amen, Mrs. Redfield? She flipped her dark brunette hair. It tumbled down her forearm and spilled across the pillow like a waterfall’s cascade. With her free hand she ran her red-polished nails along his back. Kitty-Kat’s got an itch only you can scratch. They traced the ridges and bumps down his spine in slow, savory trails. Kitty-Kat says meow.

     

Alan twitched, and rustled against the sheets with a groan.

     

“Morinin’, Sexy,” Lillian said.

     

He rolled onto his back.  “...Lily?” 

 

_________

 

Not a huge edit, but I didn't really want to disrupt the way the scene was written. But the softer reaction I hope may solve the problem (a gentler, more calmer wakeup).

 

But, okay, now I have what I've really been waiting to post for eyes--the last hanky panky part of the scene. Kept getting tied up from setting down and reworking it properly, plus, trying to figure out a damn scent...but I finally got it cleaned up. So without further ado...(crucify me if necessary, folks. I apologize beforehand!)

 

__________

 

“That bitch.” Alan glanced at her, brow creased. “Dani’s already been through enough. Why rub it in?”

     

“To make it clear what she wants.” Lillian slipped her hands around his hips. “But don’t let her pettiness get under your skin.” She pressed into him. “That’s my job.”

     

“I suppose.” Alan’s hands drifted down the small of her back. “Gotta admit, Lily, you do have a way of putting me at ease.”

     

She smiled. “Flattery won’t earn you a promotion.”

     

“Like I need it.” His blue eyes gleamed with delight. “You already bend over.”

     

“Off-hours only, Mr. Red—“

     

Lillian startled with a gasp as Alan spun her around and pinned her against the craved bedpost. His lips seized hers savagely, hands plundering her breast. His undercurrent of lab vinegar cloaked by his citrus aftershave overwhelmed every sense. She moaned as he thumbed her nipples until they bloomed into rigid buds tingling painfully for suckle. He stiffened against her thigh, and suddenly she was horny. Slippery wet and dripping inside for the snug ache of his member sweeping her away to the place where only the drumming of her heart and the heat behind her flush mattered.

     

Take me. Oh, just take me now. Take me before I…

     

Trembling, Lillian pulled away. “I…hope…you don’t mind…” She could hardly speak, breathless as she was, but it couldn’t wait any longer. “I-I scheduled Dani for a session with Ms. Tera today.”

     

Alan relaxed from her. “What?” He stared. “Why’d you do that?”

     

“Because Reigns…would’ve,” Lillian said, looking away. “And I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.”


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#14 CM_Fick

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Posted 20 March 2017 - 02:52 PM

Okay, bit of a bucklet list of items here (but I feel like I may be close to done with editing Chapter 1 after almost 3 weeks finally. YAY!)

 

First off, the revised lighter paragraph This is good. only one word I'd change and that's a personal preference. 

 

__________

 

This morning marked the fifth straight night Alan had slept with her. She hadn’t inquired, nor had he explained. Not that she needed him too...but it was peculiar. Stealing him away for a quickie at lunch or late-evening tryst had been their standard operating MO for months.

     

Until now.

     

Lillian sparked a flame from the lighter. It fluttered brightly in a jive. Just a kiss. She raised it to the Decker’s tip. Just a tiny, little smooch. Her brow dampened and her hand quivered, but the orange radiance as it lit across Alan’s face made her pause. 

 

From the brown nest of wavy hair she couldn't resist raking her fingers through, to the graceful taper of cheekbones set in his oval frame. She drank him like drowning a hard swirl of vodka. His slender bulb of nose and rounded chin, a handsome reminder of how he nuzzled against her neck and trailed down to her belly, to her legs, and silt, in-between peppered kisses.

     

“Dammit,” she muttered, and snapped the lighter shut. None of this is doing any good.

 

__________

 

I hope that clears the confusion. I should note that in regards to the positioning of Alan's face, an earlier passage indicates he's sleeping ot the left of Lillian, so I'll trust it will be understandable without another reference. Also, I decided on removing the last line from the next passage after peppered kisses because I couldn't the "soaking exlixr between the thighs" line to read right after being seperated from the vodka line. So I axed it...and I think it's actually more effective, but took a bit of getting used too (damn though, I wanted to keep it!)

 

Second, here's my slight rewrite regarding Lillian waking Alan up. To me the violent waking was fine. I assumed it was how their relationship worked - just a little sadistic. Not knowing if that is in fact the case, this works just fine. 

 

__________

 

Lillian turned to Alan with a grin. But all was forgiven through His Holy Spirit entering my flesh. The father, the son, and the endless fucking that soon commenced. She leaned gingerly across the top middle of his pillow, propping her head above him with her elbow. Can I have an amen, Mrs. Redfield? She flipped her dark brunette hair. It tumbled down her forearm and spilled across the pillow like a waterfall’s cascade. With her free hand she ran her red-polished nails along his back. Kitty-Kat’s got an itch only you can scratch. They She traced the ridges and bumps down his spine in slow, savory trails. Kitty-Kat says meow.

     

Alan twitched, and rustled against the sheets with a groan.

     

“Morinin’, Sexy,” Lillian said.

     

He rolled onto his back.  “...Lily?” 

 

_________

 

Not a huge edit, but I didn't really want to disrupt the way the scene was written. But the softer reaction I hope may solve the problem (a gentler, more calmer wakeup).

 

But, okay, now I have what I've really been waiting to post for eyes--the last hanky panky part of the scene. Kept getting tied up from setting down and reworking it properly, plus, trying to figure out a damn scent...but I finally got it cleaned up. So without further ado...(crucify me if necessary, folks. I apologize beforehand!)

 

__________

 

“That bitch.” Alan glanced at her, brow creased. “Dani’s already been through enough. Why rub it in?”

     

“To make it clear that's(?) what she wants.” OR "To make what she wants clear." Lillian slipped her hands around his hips. “But don’t let her pettiness get under your skin.” She pressed into him. “That’s my job.” 

     

“I suppose.” Alan’s hands drifted down the small of her back. “Gotta admit, Lily, you do have a way of putting me at ease.”

     

She smiled. “Flattery won’t earn you a promotion.”

     

“Like I need it.” His blue eyes gleamed with delight. I think there could be a better word here other than delight.  I understand what you're trying to say, but I think it needs to allude to something more sexual or torrid. “You already bend over.”

     

“Off-hours only, Mr. Red—“

     

Lillian startled with a (you can simply say she gasped if you're looking to trim) gasp as Alan spun her around and pinned her against the craved bedpost. His lips seized hers savagely, while his hands plundered (although I don't think plundered is the right word. He can't take her breasts from her, and while I get the imagery you're trying to convey, it makes me think of a pirate) her breast. She breathed in the scent of the citrus aftershave he used to mask the acrid undertones from his lab work. (or something like this imo.) His undercurrent of lab vinegar cloaked by his citrus aftershave overwhelmed every sense. She moaned as he thumbed her nipples until they bloomed into rigid buds tingling painfully for suckle. He stiffened against her thigh(. full stop), and Suddenly she was horny. slippery and  wet(,) dripping inside for the snug ache of his member sweeping her away to the place where only the drumming of her heart and the heat behind her flush mattered.

     

Take me. Oh, just take me now. Take me before I…

     

Trembling, Lillian pulled away. “I…hope…you don’t mind…” She could hardly speak, breathless as she was, but it couldn’t wait any longer. “I-I scheduled Dani for a session with Ms. Tera today.”

     

Alan relaxed from her. “What?” He stared. “Why’d you do that?”

     

“Because Reigns…would’ve,” Lillian said, looking away. “And I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.”

Okay, here are my suggestions on the latest part. I'll have to get to the previous one in a bit. These are just my suggestions for flow and readability. Overall, I think it's good. 



#15 ryankalford

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 07:19 AM

Thank ye yet again, CM.

Hmm. I may actually revert the bit with the nails for future beta readers to see if they share a simliar reaction. I actually kinda liked it (but I viewed it as being playful too). Either way, I do at least have an alternative to use if it's off-putting for people regarding Lillian.

Anyway, I tweaked the last passage based on your suggestions trying to get it to sound right. Does it past muster?

__________

“That bitch.” Alan glanced at her, brow creased. “Dani’s already been through enough. Why rub it in?”

“To make it clear what she wants.” Lillian slipped her hands around his hips. “But don’t let her pettiness get under your skin.” She pressed into him. “That’s my job.”

“I suppose.” Alan’s hands drifted down the small of her back. “Gotta admit, Lily, you do have a way of putting me at ease.”

She smiled. “Flattery won’t earn you a promotion.”

“Like I need it.” His blue eyes poured into her. “You already bend over.”

“Off-hours only, Mr. Red—“

Lillian gasped as Alan spun her around and pinned her against the craved bedpost. His lips seized hers savagely, while his hands pinched her breast. She breathed in the scent of his citrus aftershave, the aroma still tinged with the acrid undertone from his long hours at the lab. He thumbed her nipples, brushing them in soft strokes until they bloomed into rigid buds tingling painfully for suckle. She squirmed with a moan as he stiffened against her thigh. Suddenly she was slippery and wet, dripping inside for the snug ache of his length.

Take me. Oh, just take me now. Take me before I…

Trembling, Lillian pulled away. “I…hope…you don’t mind…” She could hardly speak, breathless as she was, but it couldn’t wait any longer. “I-I scheduled Dani for a session with Ms. Tera today.”

Alan relaxed from her. “What?” He stared. “Why’d you do that?”

“Because Reigns…would’ve,” Lillian said, looking away. “And I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.”

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#16 CM_Fick

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Posted 21 March 2017 - 12:10 PM

Okay, this is a long post, because I'm trying to catch up. This first is the response to the newest section, and the one I missed is below that.

 

Thank ye yet again, CM.

Hmm. I may actually revert the bit with the nails for future beta readers to see if they share a simliar reaction. I actually kinda liked it (but I viewed it as being playful too). Either way, I do at least have an alternative to use if it's off-putting for people regarding Lillian.

Anyway, I tweaked the last passage based on your suggestions trying to get it to sound right. Does it past muster?

__________

“That bitch.” Alan glanced at her, brow creased. “Dani’s already been through enough. Why rub it in?”

“To make it clear what she wants.” (this still reads funny. Makes me stop and go back to reread.)Lillian slipped her hands around his hips. “But don’t let her pettiness get under your skin.” She pressed into him. “That’s my job.”

“I suppose.” Alan’s hands drifted down the small of her back. “Gotta admit, Lily, you do have a way of putting me at ease.”

She smiled. “Flattery won’t earn you a promotion.”

“Like I need it.” His blue eyes poured into her. (I don't think this is an improvement. Maybe if they were having an intimate, close moment, I can see using pour, but isn't he trying to be facetious?) “You already bend over.”

“Off-hours only, Mr. Red—“

Lillian gasped as Alan spun her around and pinned her against the craved (is this supposed to be carved?) bedpost. His lips seized hers savagely, while his hands pinched her breast. She breathed in the scent of his citrus aftershave, the aroma still tinged with the acrid undertone from his long hours at the lab. He thumbed her nipples, brushing them in soft strokes until they bloomed into rigid buds tingling painfully for suckle. She squirmed with a moan as he stiffened against her thigh. Suddenly she was slippery and wet, dripping inside for the snug ache of his length.

Take me. Oh, just take me now. Take me before I…

Trembling, Lillian pulled away. “I…hope…you don’t mind…” She could hardly speak, breathless as she was, but it couldn’t wait any longer. “I-I scheduled Dani for a session with Ms. Tera today.”

Alan relaxed (maybe pulled back or some variation would be better at creating the idea that he's bothered by her previous statement) from her. “What?” He stared. “Why’d you do that?”

“Because Reigns…would’ve,” Lillian said, looking away. “And I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.”

 

 

 

Thank you, che! I'll get to tweaking regarding your suggestions shortly (they sound reasonable enough to me).

 

Having kind of a lazy day, and still haven't gotten around to redoing the last main segment from Chapter 1 I'd like to post for opinions...but I do have a quick question about a particular cut I made (to see if it makes sense).

 

So, yesterday I had this passage (bolded is the "excerpt"):

 

__________

 

“What’s the time?” he asked after a long yawn.

     

“Quarter past seven.”                                                                            

     

He swung his legs off the bedside onto the navy blue carpet next to hers. “That’s late.”

     

“You needed it.” She motioned the hover-tray over. “Besides, I’m the one who sets your schedule.”

     

“Of course, Director.” He picked up his mug.(full stop) “I’ll drink all my coffee like a really big boy too.”

    

“Don’t be a dick.” She placed the Decker on the tray and gripped her mug.

     

“But isn’t that what you love?” He took a mischievous sip.(here I think you've done what you did in the earlier section - put mischievous in where it's not really properly explaining the action. He took a sip, giving her a mischievous look over the mugs rim. or something along those lines.)“Or have I been doing it wrong?”

     

She sampled the melting warmth of her own coffee against her lips(on her tongue - or if you're talking about just testing the temperature on her lips, melting isn't the word I'd use to describe it.), suppressing a chuckle. “Point taken.”

     

“More often than not.”

     

She smirked. “Keep on, and I might require another.”

     

“So soon?”

     

She nestled against him. “Very soon.”

     

He flashed a boyish grin. The one she found so irresistible. “Ms. Savonna, you’re a real bargain.” He patted her thigh. “Worth every cent per share I slip in.”

     

“Premium rate only, Sexy,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Unless you’re thinking merger?”

     

His cheerfulness faltered. “Lily.”

     

“I…I know.” Lillian nursed some of her coffee to hide her frown. When she'd first met Alan, the only think that piqued her interest was her curiosity over his unorthodox marriage to a surface-born (if I'm understanding this right). But that's why I love you so much isn't it? She peeked over to whereat his wedding ring (sat) on the walnut counter and held in her sigh. to her left. It was a simple golden band—nothing extravagant. But its modesty concealed splendors that were far more enticing than the sharpest twenty-four karat glints. Moments like these every morning…if its twin was mine.

(so for this section, I think that with some careful editing, you can keep some of the most important points, without hindering the flow.)

Despite a striking face, the only arousal Alan sparked at the 3rd Gen Inaugural Banquet had been her curiosity of his marriage. A perverse wonder given such tradition was reserved mainly for merging family fortunes or heirs. Invoking it for zero-sum game was unorthodox, but with a surface-born? Sheer lunacy—especially for Viviana Redfield’s son.

 

But it’s why I love you so much, isn’t it?

 

The heart fueling Alan’s indulgence of Rachael’s delusions seduced Lillian over months of meetings and one-on-ones. His charming wit. His keen intelligence. The bright sincerity behind his smile the prelude of far too many laughs between professionals. It chipped away at her. Transforming the skinny lab rat of average build and slumped posture into an attraction whose force tantalized her like no prior lover. A tempting fruit she’d never tasted the rich sweetness of, cursed to be forbidden from her carnal knowledge. Or so she’d thought for three long, torturous years.

 

Until Adam finally relented, and entered my garden to sin.

 

“Suppose Rachael’s fixing breakfast about now,” Alan said. His eyes dipped down at his mug, where they studied the brown pool like pondering a bleak answer from a magic eight-ball.

     

“Imagine your Reddy Head’s up too,” Lillian said, anxious to change the subject. “She must be happy about returning to Gifted Gen.”

 

___________

 

 

The bolded section has bothered me--mainly the 2nd paragraph. The 1st one seemed the only vital one, but I was originally trying to rework the 2nd's ones description since it's kinda split and wonky...but then I realized it seemed I could cut all of it and just keep the scene focused on the next beat. Even though I really wanted to keep the 1st paragraph in there, I'm not sure it winds up being justified, and not just slowing the scene down for some needless if harmless bit of extra introspection that either can be inferenced or explained later or even through dialogue. But I decided to cut it all out and see how it played to this:

 

__________

 

He flashed a boyish grin. The one she found so irresistible. “Ms. Savonna, you’re a real bargain.” He patted her thigh. “Worth every cent per share I slip in.”

      

“Premium rate only, Sexy,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Unless you’re thinking merger?”

      

His cheerfulness faltered. “Lily.”

 

“I…I know.” Lillian nursed some of her coffee to hide her frown. She peeked at his wedding ring on the walnut counter to her left. A simple golden band—nothing extravagant. But its modesty concealed splendors that were far more enticing than the sharpest twenty-four karat glints. Moments like these every morning…if its twin was mine.

 

“Suppose Rachael’s fixing breakfast about now,” Alan said. His eyes dipped down at his mug, where they studied the brown pool like pondering a bleak answer from a magic eight-ball.

      

“Imagine your Reddy Head’s up too,” Lillian said, anxious to change the subject. “She must be happy about returning to Gifted Gen.”

 

_____

 

Seems to make sense to me this way, but was just wondering since I think getting an opinion might help me be more vigilante in cutting out bits that dont' move the story completely like this, even if there very related and relevant. Not that I really have an issue, but sometimes you get caught up examing, or feeling the need to explain. The 1st paragraph was meant as a bit of world building I suppose, and could be justified, but the 2nd one recounting how/why of their affair really seems like a certain cut to keep more an intrigue to the how/why this early in the story...and the fact I'll probably just reuse the 1st paragraph later downt he line in some form or fashion. (Never let good work go to waste! Just let it find the right place!)

 

 

Here are my suggestions. Hope this helps! 



#17 ryankalford

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 06:37 AM

Okay, here goes another attempt at smoothing these two pieces out...

 

Nice idea on preserving the small tidbit of past info with the wedding ring. Adds an important bit of context while keeping the intrigue for the reader at this early stage. That first paragraph was mostly about world building, but like I said, I figure the bulk of that information can be acheived elsewhere as i go along.

 

 

__________

 

“Premium rate only, Sexy,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Unless you’re thinking merger?”

     

His cheerfulness faltered. “Lily.”

     

“I…I know.” Lillian nursed her coffee to hide her frown. When she’d first met Alan at the 3rd Gen Inaugural Banquet, the only arousal he’d sparked was her curiosity over his bizarre marriage to a surface-born. But that’s why I love you so much, isn’t it? She peeked over to where his wedding ring sat on the walnut counter. It was a simple golden band—nothing extravagant. But its modesty concealed splendors that were far more enticing than the sharpest twenty-four karat glints. Moments like these every morning…if its twin was mine.

     

“Suppose Rachael’s fixing breakfast about now,” Alan said. His eyes dipped down at his mug and weighed on the brown pool like pondering a bleak answer from a magic eight-ball.

     

“Imagine your Reddy Head’s up too,” Lillian said, anxious to change the subject. “She must be happy returning to Gifted Gen.”

 

__________

 

“That bitch.” Alan glanced at her, brow creased. “Dani’s already been through enough. Why rub it in?”

     

“To make it clear she’s still unhappy.” Lillian slipped her hands around his hips. “But don’t let that old crone’s pettiness get under your skin.” She pressed into him. “That’s my job.”

     

“I suppose.” Alan’s hands drifted down the small of her back. “Gotta admit, Lily, you do have a way of putting me at ease.”

     

She smiled. “Flattery won’t earn you a promotion.”

     

“Like I need it.” His blue eyes gleamed with tease. “You already bend over.”

     

“Off-hours only, Mr. Red—“

     

Lillian gasped as Alan spun her around and pinned her against the carved bedpost. His lips seized hers savagely, while his hands pinched her breast. She breathed in the scent of his citrus aftershave, the aroma still tinged with the acrid undertone from his long hours in the lab. Torturously, he thumbed her nipples, brushing them with soft strokes until they bloomed into rigid buds tingling painfully for suckle. She squirmed with a moan as he stiffened against her thigh. Suddenly she was slippery and wet, dripping inside for the snug ache of his length.

     

Take me. Oh, just take me now. Do it before I…

     

Trembling, Lillian pulled away. “I…hope…you don’t mind…” She could hardly speak, breathless as she was, but it couldn’t wait any longer. “I-I scheduled Dani for a session with Ms. Tera today.”

     

Alan pulled back from her. “What?” He stared. “Why’d you do that?”

     

“Because Reigns…would’ve,” Lillian said, looking away. “And I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.”


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#18 CM_Fick

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Posted 22 March 2017 - 11:48 AM

Okay, here goes another attempt at smoothing these two pieces out...

 

Nice idea on preserving the small tidbit of past info with the wedding ring. Adds an important bit of context while keeping the intrigue for the reader at this early stage. That first paragraph was mostly about world building, but like I said, I figure the bulk of that information can be acheived elsewhere as i go along.

 

 

__________

 

“Premium rate only, Sexy,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Unless you’re thinking merger?”

     

His cheerfulness faltered. “Lily.”

     

“I…I know.” Lillian nursed her coffee to hide her frown. When she’d first met Alan at the 3rd Gen Inaugural Banquet, the only arousal he’d sparked was her curiosity over his bizarre marriage to a surface-born. But that’s why I love you so much, isn’t it? She peeked over to where his wedding ring sat on the walnut counter. It was a simple golden band—nothing extravagant. But its modesty concealed splendors that were far more enticing than the sharpest twenty-four karat glints. Moments like these every morning…if its twin was mine.

     

“Suppose Rachael’s fixing breakfast about now,” Alan said. His eyes dipped down at his mug and weighed on the brown pool like pondering a bleak answer from a magic eight-ball.

     

“Imagine your Reddy Head’s up too,” Lillian said, anxious to change the subject. “She must be happy returning to Gifted Gen.”

 

This is good to go imo

__________

 

“That bitch.” Alan glanced at her, brow creased. “Dani’s already been through enough. Why rub it in?”

     

“To make it clear she’s still unhappy.” This is far better! sets up clear motivation. Good job! Lillian slipped her hands around his hips. “But don’t let that old crone’s pettiness get under your skin.” She pressed into him. “That’s my job.”

     

“I suppose.” Alan’s hands drifted down the small of her back. “Gotta admit, Lily, you do have a way of putting me at ease.”

     

She smiled. “Flattery won’t earn you a promotion.”

     

“Like I need it.” His blue eyes gleamed with tease. “You already bend over.”

     

“Off-hours only, Mr. Red—“

     

Lillian gasped as Alan spun her around and pinned her against the carved bedpost. His lips seized hers savagely, while his hands pinched her breast. She breathed in the scent of his citrus aftershave, the aroma still tinged with the acrid undertone from his long hours in the lab. Torturously, he thumbed her nipples, brushing them with soft strokes until they bloomed into rigid buds tingling painfully for suckle. She squirmed with a moan as he stiffened against her thigh. Suddenly she was slippery and wet, dripping inside for the snug ache of his length.

     

Take me. Oh, just take me now. Do it before I…

     

Trembling, Lillian pulled away. “I…hope…you don’t mind…” She could hardly speak, breathless as she was, but it couldn’t wait any longer. “I-I scheduled Dani for a session with Ms. Tera today.”

     

Alan pulled back from her. “What?” He stared. “Why’d you do that?”

     

“Because Reigns…would’ve,” Lillian said, looking away. “And I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.”

 

This is the only part that gave me pause. “Like I need it.” His blue eyes gleamed with tease. “You already bend over.”  I feel like I'm just being nit-pickey here, but I think it needs to be more active. A teasing gleam danced in his blue eyes. or something along those lines. 

 

Other than that one minor quibble, I don't have any other comments here other than good job! 



#19 Nonicks

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Posted 23 March 2017 - 03:44 PM

Okay, here goes another attempt at smoothing these two pieces out...

 

Nice idea on preserving the small tidbit of past info with the wedding ring. Adds an important bit of context while keeping the intrigue for the reader at this early stage. That first paragraph was mostly about world building, but like I said, I figure the bulk of that information can be acheived elsewhere as i go along.

 

 

__________

 

“Premium rate only, Sexy,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Unless you’re thinking merger?”

     

His cheerfulness faltered. “Lily.”

     

“I…I know.” Lillian nursed her coffee to hide her frown. When she’d first met Alan at the 3rd Gen Inaugural Banquet, the only arousal he’d sparked was her curiosity over his bizarre marriage to a surface-born. But that’s why I love you so much, isn’t it? She peeked over to where his wedding ring sat on the walnut counter. It was a simple golden band—nothing extravagant. But its modesty concealed splendors that were far more enticing than the sharpest twenty-four karat glints. Moments like these every morning…if its twin was mine.

     

“Suppose Rachael’s fixing breakfast about now,” Alan said. His eyes dipped down at his mug and weighed on the brown pool like pondering a bleak answer from a magic eight-ball.

     

“Imagine your Reddy Head’s up too,” Lillian said, anxious to change the subject. “She must be happy returning to Gifted Gen.”

 

__________

 

“That bitch.” Alan glanced at her, brow creased. “Dani’s already been through enough. Why rub it in?”

     

“To make it clear she’s still unhappy.” Lillian slipped her hands around his hips. “But don’t let that old crone’s pettiness get under your skin.” She pressed into him. “That’s my job.”

     

“I suppose.” Alan’s hands drifted down the small of her back. “Gotta admit, Lily, you do have a way of putting me at ease.”

     

She smiled. “Flattery won’t earn you a promotion.”

     

“Like I need it.” His blue eyes gleamed with tease. “You already bend over.”

     

“Off-hours only, Mr. Red—“

     

Lillian gasped as Alan spun her around and pinned her against the carved bedpost. His lips seized hers savagely, while his hands pinched her breast. She breathed in the scent of his citrus aftershave, the aroma still tinged with the acrid undertone from his long hours in the lab. Torturously, he thumbed her nipples, brushing them with soft strokes until they bloomed into rigid buds tingling painfully for suckle. She squirmed with a moan as he stiffened against her thigh. Suddenly she was slippery and wet, dripping inside for the snug ache of his length.

     

Take me. Oh, just take me now. Do it before I…

     

Trembling, Lillian pulled away. “I…hope…you don’t mind…” She could hardly speak, breathless as she was, but it couldn’t wait any longer. “I-I scheduled Dani for a session with Ms. Tera today.”

     

Alan pulled back from her. “What?” He stared. “Why’d you do that?”

     

“Because Reigns…would’ve,” Lillian said, looking away. “And I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.”

 

These scenes seem good to me. I really don't have anything to say. But if you want my 0.2$ on describing characters, then I usually write the general impression someone gets from looking at the character and mention several supporting details. For example, he looked dirty: dirt under his long nails, muddy shoes, and long, greasy blond hair. (Can you picture that character in your mind?) The same applies to places. Hope this helped!






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