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Hook for New Adult Fantasy


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#1 AnnDayleview

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Posted 05 March 2017 - 11:48 AM

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm working on my first query letter and have come up with the hook below. Any and all feedback is welcome. 

 

Thank you!!

 

19-year-old Freddie Jones, a journalism major at the magically diverse New Wall University, had a plan. It was a good plan, until one shot of fae liquor ruined everything.



#2 Testome

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Posted 06 March 2017 - 07:58 PM

I think you need to be more clear about the goal of your mc was and what got in her way.  This is far too vague to be intriguing. I would getting rid of the setting info in your hook unless you make it brief.



#3 AnnDayleview

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Posted 06 March 2017 - 08:23 PM

Something like this maybe?

 

19 year-old Freddie Jones, a 3rd-year journalism major, had a plan of moving on from her annoying ex, graduating on time, and becoming the first human foreign correspondent in Fairy -- until one shot of fae liquor ruined everything.



#4 Testome

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Posted 06 March 2017 - 09:00 PM

I think we still need more details of her conflict. I'm not really seeing any reason to read on here. What's your unique spin? 

 

19 year-old Freddie Jones, a 3rd-year journalism major, had a plan of moving on from her annoying ex, graduating on time,  I might ditch that and give us more of the conflict details.and becoming the first human foreign correspondent in Fairy -- until one shot of fae liquor ruined everything.

 

Is this a modern fairy setting where humans are second class citizens? Just curious. It seemed that way. This could be unique spin, but not certain. edit: nevermind about the NA comment I made. missed the title. 



#5 AnnDayleview

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Posted 07 March 2017 - 10:00 PM

I really like that thanks! 

 

It's actually the other way around. A modern human setting where fairies are immigrants and are treated as second class citizens.

 

Thank you thank you!



#6 DogHugger

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Posted 08 March 2017 - 11:36 AM

19 year-old Freddie Jones, a journalism major, is set on becoming the first human foreign correspondent in Fairy -- until one shot of fae liquor ruined everything. (This is too vague. How did the shot of fae liquor ruin everything?)

 

Is this story about her pursuing her dream career? Is it about the shenanigans she experiences while being a correspondent? Is the inciting indecent that shot of fae liquor, and if so, how does that pivot her path? 

 

The hook is to pull the agent in quickly, so the fact that she's a third year journalism major isn't important in the hook. You'll have that information in the query when you're introducing the main character.    



#7 Niambi

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Posted 11 March 2017 - 12:39 AM

DogHugger nailed one of my pieces of advice.  Mentioning MC details are only needed if they relate to the plot and conflict that is going to draw readers and agents in.

 

Who is your MC, give one or two quick and fast descriptors then move on to what they want, what's in his/her way, and what they need to do to get it.

 

Loglines for films are done in almost the same way, so check this link out:

 

http://nofilmschool....riting-loglines

 

So in the end, you should have something like:

 

Nineteen-year-old Freddie Jones wanted/needed to _________, but one magical drink turned him into a frog, and to get his life back he must _____________.

 

All of those juicy details will come afterwards.






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