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Burning Heart (First 250 - epic fantasy)

epic fantasy

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#1 CM_Fick

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Posted 05 March 2017 - 12:26 PM

Here are the first 250 words of my ms. There is a brief chapter before this, that can technically be considered prologue, although it's not titled one. It's what I've sent out in the past, but now I'm wondering if this is better. 

 

Any thoughts/ suggestions are appreciated and I will happily return the favour. 

 

---------EXCERPT---------

 

Vashti timed her punches with the sound of the waves as they crashed against the base of the cliffs. If Caethiel insisted on wasting her time, trying to break the first one's seal, she figured she could do a little combat training while she was at it. Even after more than a millennium, the sealed portal stood testament to the final battle between Pangaea and Earth.

 

This task is meaningless until I figure out how she did it. Calling up fire, Vashti allowed the heat to build up in her fist.

 

She pounded against the hard, amber-like stone, punctuating each word with another hit. "Why. Won't. You..." With the last strike, she released the fury bubbling up within her and fire spewed from her clenched fist. "Open." Vashti took a deep breath and stepped back, studying the stone's surface; despite all her training, she still wasn't able to break through the magic protecting Earth.

 

Hung in mid-air, the seal was approximately three hands in width, and as long as Vashti was tall. The first time she'd arrived at the portal, the area had been lush and green; overgrown from the eight centuries of disuse. Now, five centuries later, it looked like a combination of a tornado, a hurricane, and wildfire had been through the area.

 

I've created quite a mess; she looked around, proud of her handiwork. An image of her maker flashed through her mind, "Wouldn't Caethiel be proud," she sneered. He's also an egomaniacal psychopath who will probably take all the credit. 



#2 dragoness

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Posted 06 March 2017 - 12:37 AM

I think it's very good, clear, intriguing, revealing enough yet not too much.

 

The only thing I would change is the last sentence, that doesn't seem natural, telling us the information for no reason. I would turn it into:

But being an egomaniacal psychopath, he will probably take all the credit. 



#3 DV77

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Posted 06 March 2017 - 04:06 PM

Here are the first 250 words of my ms. There is a brief chapter before this, that can technically be considered prologue, although it's not titled one. It's what I've sent out in the past, but now I'm wondering if this is better. 

 

Any thoughts/ suggestions are appreciated and I will happily return the favour. 

 

---------EXCERPT---------

 

Vashti timed her punches with the sound of the waves as they crashed against the base of the cliffs. If Caethiel insisted on wasting her time, trying to break the first one's Is the first one a character or something? If so it might need to be in Italics because that threw me off for a second seal, she figured she could do a little combat training while she was at it. Even after more than a millennium, the sealed portal stood testament to the final battle between Pangaea and Earth. This feels a bit like info dumping. It's a seal that hasn't been broken for a millennium? If it were me writing this I'd leave out the whole Pangea and Earth thing and focus on Vashti's frustration. So then when we want to move onto the next part thinking 'what is it she's so frustrated about?', 'what is this thing' etc?

 

This task is meaningless until I figure out how she did it. Calling up fire, Vashti allowed the heat to build up in her fist.

 

She pounded against the hard, amber-like stone, punctuating each word with another hit. "Why. Won't. You..." With the last strike, she released the fury bubbling up within her and fire spewed from her clenched fist. "Open." Vashti took a deep breath and stepped back, studying the stone's surface; despite all her training, she still wasn't able to break through the magic protecting Earth.

 

Hung in mid-air, the seal was approximately three hands in width, and as long as Vashti was tall. The first time she'd arrived opportunity to use something more powerful ie cast into, forced into etc. Arrived is a little passive at the portal, the area had been lush and green; overgrown from the eight centuries of disuse. Now, five centuries later, it looked like a combination of a tornado, a hurricane, and wildfire had been through the area.

 

I've created quite a mess; she looked around, proud of her handiwork. An image of her maker flashed through her mind, "Wouldn't Caethiel be proud," she sneered. He's also an egomaniacal psychopath who will probably take all the credit. 

Hey CM. I think you've got the makings of something good here, but for me where it's suffering at the moment is that there isn't really much making me want to root for Vashti. From this page I neither like her or dislike her. I think it needs something to make you feel something for her, literally anything, from 'poor girl, i feel bad for her'. It's a little difficult to sum up into words what I mean, but it needs something more than frustration, maybe even something that gets me asking questions like where is this place or how did she get here? At the mo there is some info dumping which takes those questions away from me so the mystery is gone. Addition by subtraction might be a way to go here too.



#4 ryankalford

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Posted 06 March 2017 - 08:28 PM

Here are the first 250 words of my ms. There is a brief chapter before this, that can technically be considered prologue, although it's not titled one. It's what I've sent out in the past, but now I'm wondering if this is better. 

 

Any thoughts/ suggestions are appreciated and I will happily return the favour. 

 

---------EXCERPT---------

 

Vashti timed her punches with the sound of the waves as they crashed against the base of the cliffs. (Great first line!) If Caethiel insisted on wasting her time, trying to break the first one's seal (like DV said, italics or first letter caps, she figured she could do a little combat training while she was at it. Even after more than a millennium, the sealed portal stood testament to the final battle between Pangaea and Earth.

 

This task is meaningless until I figure out how she did it. Calling up fire, Vashti allowed the heat to build up in her fist.

 

She pounded against the hard, amber-like stone, punctuating each word with another hit. "Why. Won't. You..." With the last strike, she released the fury bubbling up within her and fire spewed from her clenched fist. "Open." Vashti took a deep breath and stepped back, studying the stone's surface; (is the semi-colon really necessary here? I don't see how these two sentences are uniquely related enough to warrant one where a period achieves the same effect to them) despite all her training, she still wasn't able to break through the magic protecting Earth.

 

Hung in mid-air, the seal was approximately three hands in width, and as long as Vashti was tall. The first time she'd arrived at the portal, the area had been lush and green; overgrown from the eight centuries of disuse. Now, five centuries later, it looked like a combination of a tornado, a hurricane, and wildfire had been through the area.

 

I've created quite a mess; (Again, I don't really think the semi-colon is needed over the period here) she looked around, proud of her handiwork. An image of her maker flashed through her mind, "Wouldn't Caethiel be proud." She sneered. He'll also an egomaniacal psychopath who will probably take all the credit.

 

Hmm. This makes me think of Dragonball . . . which is always a good thing since it's one of my favorite stories ever. XD  

 

Honestly, outside the couple things I noted (splitting up sentences just a wee bit more and the misuse of sneer as a said tag when it's an action), this is very well-written and enjoyable. Not much more I can offer, I'm afraid.

 

Well done! 


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/





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